Analyzing my emotions right now... I have a huge knot in my stomach, my body is tight, i feel anxious, and a bit fearful of being trapped.
So, what exactly do I fear? I fear being put down, being made feel like crap,... I don't understand. Why do I fear being trapped? I fear not being able to do what I want. I do fear feeling invisible and manipulated, yet without a voice, or only a voice that is defensive and reactionary... Really? This is how I feel? That is crazy.
I think the trapped part comes from feeling that I can't say anything. I just have to go with the flow and not have an opinion. If I do, I'll be told that I am self-centered, difficult, complicated, and that everyone else wants to do whatever it is. I will feel like an outsider, out of place, clumsy, un-cool,... and trapped, unable to be me, unable to talk about what I enjoy, unable to give my opinion,... for fear of stepping on someone else's toes, for fear of being hurt, for fear of being misconstrued. Yuck. No wonder I wanted to go far away... No wonder I was getting anxious... Yuck. There's definitely a bunch here to process...
