Some music from The Civil Wars, a great band that I just discovered. Reminds me a bit of Over the Rhine.



The Civil Wars - Dance Me to the End of Love




And you can download some of their music for free here on their myspace page. enjoy!

love in action

I was talking with my roommate last night as we went for a walk after they gym. I was telling her that I've been frustrated recently to see people in my life NOT making the decisions they should. And specifically not seeing people grow in their faith, in my timing nor in the way I see fit. I am very much a verbal processor and in the midst of telling her that I answered myself and said, I know that Old Testament prophets, New Testament parables (like the parable of the sower), great men and women of faith, and even Jesus saw more rejection of the Gospel or seeds that didn't bring forth abundant fruit. I told Chery that somehow in my western mind, I think if I just do a good enough job explaining the Gospel, love them well enough, show Christ to them through my life, then they'll see, it'll make sense and of course they'll come running to Christ. The Gospel has power in and of itself. That is true. But the problem isn't in how we explain things nor how we live things out (although we could obviously grow in that individually and as the church as a whole). The problem is that our eyes and hearts are UNABLE to see. Our problem isn't purely understanding from an information standpoint, it's understanding from even being able to hear.

And while I hate the parable of the sower & soils, bc I wish all people would come to Christ as their Lord & Savior and be saved, it's also freeing to remember that it's God's work not mine. Yes, the Lord commands us to GO and invest in others. But He is the one who brings forth fruit, not me. And if Jesus spoke and people rejected Him, or just didn't get it, how can I expect anything different. I say that not in a "throw in the towel" way, but in a pfuuu, freeing way.

So... the chapter from Jerram Barrs' book, "Learning Evangelism From Jesus," that Chery suggested I read was AMAZING. It's a great, great book. The content of what Jerram writes is stuff we could use to hear and hear again a million times. Here are some bits and pieces from Chapter 6, "An Unusual Dinner Invitation," which addresses Luke 19:1-10, Jesus inviting himself to have dinner with Zacchaeus, a tax collector (who was seen as one of the most immoral people of society back in the day):

To understand the attitude of the crowd to Zacchaeus, we should try to imagine the very worst of these modern day examples (corrupt politicians & business people), while at the same time imagining that person collaborating with whoever we hate most passionately (in this case the Romans, who were the occupying army of the Jews' oppressors), such as someone working with a terrorist organization responsible for the deaths of many innocent people...

The reason for the crowd's complaints and criticisms is that Jesus' actions are totally unacceptable, even outrageous... Jesus is breaking not only the social customs, but also the religious and moral laws of his time, by becoming a guest and eating in the home of a sinner, a man with an unclean profession. Jesus is making himself socially, ritually, morally, and religiously unclean by going to Zacchaeus's home. He is polluting himself...

Jesus sets all this custom and law aside - for it is not God's law... Jesus sets them aside as... rules created by the leaders of God's people, rather than by God... these laws also prevent God's people from being obedient to their Lord's command to practice hospitality to strangers, to be merciful and gracious to the alien, and to be kind to the sinful, the needy, and the poor... these laws about socially acceptable behavior are a moral offense to God, who calls his people to precisely the opposite way of life: to be people characterized by the mercy, compassion, and grace that he ahs shown them.

...Jesus did not come into the world to keep himself apart from sinners, nor to demonstrate that his life was socially acceptable. Rather he came in fulfillment of the promise of the Lord made in Ezekial 34:11-16

For thus says the Lord God: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out.... I will seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them.... I myself will be the shepherd of my sheep, and I myself will make them lie down, declares the Lord God. I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed.

...Jesus does not keep his distance from sinners, like the Pharisees and teachers of the law, nor does he preach condemning sermons at sinners, like the Pharisees and teachers of the law. If Jesus had conformed to their practice of devotion to God, moral purity, and separation, they would not have been outraged by his behavior. What is so shocking and unacceptable to them is that Jesus desires to have intimate fellowship with sinners. He visits with them. He sits down and eats with them. He invites them to the homes of his friends and disciples... He goes gladly to their homes... He welcomes them joyfully, and in return, they welcome him joyfully... Eating together, being at home together: these imply love and personal fellowship. It is because of this that Jesus' behavior is considered scandalous. Such a commitment - to have intimate fellowship with sinners - is still considered scandalous by many Christian believers today.

Jesus treats Zacchaeus with wonderful grace in going to his home. It is, of course, this lovely grace, this mercy and respect, this honor and love that lead Zacchaeus to repentance... Zacchaeus makes his amazing statement about giving half of his goods to the poor and paying back those he had defrauded four times as much... The point is simply this: Zacchaeus is so deeply moved by the grace of Jesus that he chose to regard his defrauding as the very worst kind of theft. This deep sense of sin and desire for full repentance is what takes place in the heart when a person meets the Lord and sees him as his is in his moral perfection and marvelous grace. When a person sees the Lord as he truly is, then that person also sees himself or herself with a clear vision of the seriousness of his or her sin. When we meet the Lord in his glory, we see our sin in all its ugliness, rather than minimizing it.

This is what happens to Zacchaeus. His clear sight of his sin leads to a passionate desire to make amends and to do what is right and pleasing in the eyes o the Lord... He is overwhelmed by the grace and love of CHrist, and so generosity flows from his hearts... Indeed, in the kingdom of God, such a response ought not to surprise us. What the Lord has done for us is inexpressibly generous and kind...

Learning from Jesus...
...We learn from Jesus how important it is to seek for ways to dignify those who are despised and who may despise themselves...

...we are to seek to honor those who are dishonest, corrupt, and wicket... "If he not only merits no good, but has provoked you by injury and mischief, still this is no good reason why you should not embrace him in love, and visit him with love. He has deserved very differently from me, you will say. But what has the Lord deserved? ...In this way only we attain to what is not to say difficult but altogether against nature, to love those that hate us, render good for evil, and blessing for cursing, remembering that we are not to reflect on the wickedness of men, but look to the image of God in them, an image which, covering and obliterating their faults, should by its beauty and dignity allure us to love and embrace them." (Calvin's Institutes III, vii, 6)

Calvin makes two points here: the first is that we are to see the image of God in a person, no matter how covered over with sin it may be; the second is that we are to remember that Christ is willing to have all this person's sins counted against himself. Our sin becomes Christ's; His righteousness becomes ours. This is the gospel, and we are to remember its power and extraordinary grace even with those who make themselves our enemies...

Honestly, you should buy and read the book. It's good, really good. I wish I could read it all to you. It's good, challenging, but oh so good.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set thy people free
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in You.

Israel's strength and consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Come, thou long awaited Emmanuel

Born thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.

By Thine own eternal spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to thy glorious throne.

Come, thou long awaited Emmanuel
Come, thou long awaited Emmanuel
Hallelujah
Come, thou Emmanuel

"Come, Thou Long Expected Jesus" - Sarah McCracken & Derek Webb

the hair... good friends... good food... :-)

Okay... so, you're probably tired of hearing about my short hair drama. No new haircut today, but... I went out to lunch with some dear friend, one of whom cut my hair short six or so months ago, so I obviously had to style my hair to make it look good (I mean he is a hair stylist and DOES have opinions about hair). He and Juan are dear dear friends. They were in town and we went out to lunch with Juan's sister and my roommate Chery. And of course the first thing Juan said upon seeing me, is "Dawn, you cut your hair!" He said I looked beautiful, which he always says (bc he's a good friend). And then when we got in the car of course he said to Carlos (the hair stylist), did you notice Dawn's hair? A little later at lunch Juan brought up the subject again and said that he loved my new cut, that it looked a little funkier and more "dangerous." It made me laugh. Chery told them I want to grow it back out and both Carlos & Juan immediately said, "NO! You look way better with short hair." I said, "Well, it's just a matter of opinion. Some people like long hair and others short." They of course protested, but anyway... Who knows what the future of my hair holds, nor does it really matter. This is all craziness, but it is great to have two great guy friends who make me feel great both about how I look and cared for (as always, they treated us to lunch, which ALWAYS makes my day). Oh, how great it is to feel cared for and loved.

not wanting to miss out...

I'm such a dork. I've known this for quite awhile but just was thinking about it today as I was about to act completely irrationally... or maybe not irrationally but psycho. I suffer from both the desire to not miss out on ANYTHING or at least not miss out on the possibility of missing out on something. AND I suffer from wanting to be wherever there might be something fun where fun people are. I hate to feel like I'm missing out. That's probably why at times I do WAY too much and can be way too slow to commit to things until I know all my options (bc I also don't like to back out of things that I said I'd do or places I'd be), but then I also don't like to say no until I'm sure I wanted to say no. I don't like my options to be closed bc I'd hate to miss out or to not say yes to anything and not have a plan B, C, or D.

So recently EVERYONE and their brother seems to be getting U2 tickets for St. Louis. Now granted I do love U2 and have ALWAYS wanted to go to their concert AND it is likely that I'll be in the States when they're playing in STL, but it's still up in the air AND all these people going to the show already have their tickets. AND good tickets cost way too much than I can probably justifiably spend for a show right now. This morning I was looking at tickets and dreaming about going. For now, I should probably let it sit and if it is to be, well than things will work themselves out when I can responsibly make a decision and commit to going.

Wow. That was quite a bit of rambling about nothing. Probably in reality it was my assuring myself that I made the right decision instead of trying to track down some tickets and people to go with me. Although... I may change my mind. It is U2. Maybe I just need to hurry up and figure out if it's plausible for me to be in MO for those dates, which is a little up in the air. I may be in CO. Anyway... things for me to think about.

a fog of emotions...

So... maybe this is food for thought in and of itself... but it seems that when i am exhausted, which is almost every Friday and at some point during the weekend and such, i find myself in a fog of emotions... which is also when i find the need to process, think, write,... not necessarily when i want to talk (or at least not just with anyone) and also when i am more sensitive, defensive, etc., thus... i should learn to NOT schedule a ton on my Fridays and times where i am exhausted.

Today I had a few appointments and I realized in the midst of one that I was a little defensive. I was being transparent, honest about where I am, probably painting a little more melancholy picture than is fully accurate (again, bc i was tired but also because i tend to tell you how i feel NOW specifically not generally) and was told that I just needed to focus on the positive and try to be happy. What! Not what I wanted or needed to hear. Yes, I'm happy. No, I'm not depressed or anything of the like. Yes, I have a million emotions floating around BUT I don't actually think that is bad. I actually think it's good. So... when I was told to be happy and not worry about the sad, I was a little defensive and said that I didn't think it was a bad thing to process and to be sad, as long as I didn't bemoan my present reality and just stay there forever. (Which I don't actually think I'm doing.) I also said that I thought it was actually refreshing and good to be embracing my negative, or sad emotions, instead of just trying to "perk myself up." It's definitely caused me to run to the Lord and He hasn't been telling me to just "snap out of it." No, again, I can't just spend my whole day down. I have to live and be present and all that. BUT it's okay to have my moments and to not be falsely happy when I'm not.

So, yeah, that's a little bit of ranting... but emotions aren't bad. If I were to allow them to control me and monopolize all my time, yes, that would be bad. But while I may not like this valley that I'm in and may not fully understand why I'm here, the Lord is so near, sweet, and hasn't at all left me alone. I guess the blessing and what I needed from this time with my apt, was to realize that I am OKAY right where I am. And that in a strange way I AM happy and thankful for this valley. It may be a valley that seems like the valley of the shadow of death. But in that valley, I've seen & felt my Mighty and Good Shepherd all the nearer and the body of Christ all the more dear and necessary. So... I am thankful for that which I want and that which I don't. It's true that the LORD does work ALL things to the good of those who love Him, to those called according to His purposes. Glory to God. I may not understand but then again I don't need to. He is God and I am not. It may be hard for me to walk without sight, but then again I did ask for him to teach me how to walk by faith and how NOT to have to be in control. I guess that's what I'm learning, how to walk without sight but trusting HIM and HIM ALONE to lead me.

death cab for cutie

I've always loved this band, but this morning have been rediscovering them again. Yet what has struck me more than anything else are their lyrics. Steller! :-) And what I've always loved is how they talk about deep, sometimes dark subjects (mainly just the human experience) and yet somehow always have a sort of hope at least in the tune of the songs. That's my take on it. So here is one song's lyrics (honestly, I could put up nearly any song, but one will suffice for now):

"Transatlanticism"

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.

I need you so much closer [x8]

[instrumental break]

I need you so much closer [x4]
So come on, come on [x4]

SSLYBY - more Let It Sway

so, i just saw this and LOVE LOVE LOVE it! it makes me laugh with the point break masks and, well, it just good music. so, enjoy...

dark and twisty

Meredith in Grey's Anatomy talks about being dark and twisty, or at least she did. I've been feeling that way recently as I've been processing the plethora of emotions. And ironically at church yesterday someone told me I looked punky and a little dark. It made me laugh.

I do have a more funky haircut, which I've been styling a little more edgy bc (1) it better that way and (2), again, a little how I feel. My hair has also gotten darker, which probably adds to that, although it's still blond-ish (ie blond for spain and light brown for the states). (In fact, for awhile I thought about dying it black, but decided it was too much work and probably wouldn't actually look that great and i, well, tend to procrastinate things like that or just go for it, anyway. We'll see. I'd probably do something temporary anyway.) I've been feeling more punky and black and dark and twisty, or at least now and then when i'm feeling down & a little melancholy. Which is probably I LOVED the idea of dressing up as something goth or dark for Halloween (al final I didn't do much of anything, but anyway... and in Spain if you do anything for Halloween it can't be cute, it has to be something dead or dying...).

Ironically the hair was an accident. My hair needed something and I figured I'd cut it once more before letting it grow out, so I told the guy to do whatever and he went nuts with the scissors with millions of little layers. All in all, it is cute and funky. So, yeah, a couple people have told me recently that I look punk-ish, in part bc of the hair and in part bc I've probably been dressing more punk-ish and with the hair if fits. Plus I did put in a nose ring instead of the stud I've had in for awhile. It goes better with the hair... But I find it hard to think that I could actually look very punk-ish. I am so not that cool. But anyway, it is fun for awhile. And does go with how I feel.

So, yeah, I feel dark, twisty, a little mad at the world, but that's okay. This too shall pass eventually. And meanwhile I guess I'm becoming more okay with negative emotions and that they don't need to just be gotten rid of... Anyway, I'm way rambling...

So, I found a picture recently in a magazine that I love. It's a girl in a field throwing torn, confetti-like paper to the wind with a smile on her face. That's what I've been thinking a lot on recently. I want to LET GO, throw my hands up, not try to control things that I clearly can't, nor try to grasp on something that is far from my grasp anyway, and TRUST, WAIT, and REST in God's strong, tender, loving arms. That's what I want.

The dark, twistiness is probably just my emotions and anger and sadness. It's there, but so is a quiet hope and joy of that which I cannot see right now. :-)