walls...

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about walls, specifically walls I put up out of self-protection, walls around my heart.

I tend to pride myself on being open and fairly transparent. YET I am coming to realize that at the sight of anyone being unsafe or uninterested I put up walls and leave them up until the subject is broached or they re-prove themselves to be safe and wanting to hear about my life. I'm not talking about strangers here, I'm talking about friends. I test the ground to see if it will hold and if there is any doubt, up come the walls. There are exceptions to the rule. Exceptions generally include people who need me, who thus can't really hurt me.

This may sound like pure craziness, but it is one of my broken cisterns I run to... self-protection. Unfortunately I have become quite resourceful and efficient in protecting myself from harm. I like not being sensitive nor getting hurt (and some of the walls are wise). YET it also prevents me from fully embracing life and friends.

Today a friend and I talked through a bit of our walls and some the broken places in our story, when we began to build the walls and when we do so. It was refreshing and freeing. She is a good friend who I value and care about, but with whom my walls have gone up. Ironically I think we've both done the same. I actually care what she thinks, so there is more risk. Yet somehow just talking and sharing our wounds and fears and sharing some real things going on has brought the wall back down, at least for now. It feels nice. And yet ironically it makes me long for deeper relationship. It makes me desire a husband and ultimately the intimacy that we won't experience fully until things are put to right. It also makes me miss my Spain and my dear friends who are so far away. Yet I would much rather feel life than have my senses numbed.

Re-Entry Thought #3

Ah!!! My body is falling apart! Not really. But my hand HURTS! And just my left thumb.

I went and got a massage the other day and mentioned it to the woman. She said it looked like I had a bit of carpel tunnel. She asked if I'd been typing a lot. NO. I said it might be because I'm driving a heck of a lot more than normal. I'm used to walking and taking the metro or bus or train and once in a blue moon driving. Here I drive nearly everyday. I wish it weren't the truth, but it is. I have no choice. I can't walk or take a bike on the highway. And there are no other options. So I drive. And my hand hurts bad. She said I should start going to yoga as long as my body is getting used to driving. She said the pain in my back and in my lower back is from that too. REALLY? All that from beginning to drive everyday. Not good.

So that is my saga. I have a parasite (or probably many) that are slowly being killed off and I have a million aches and pains because my body isn't used to driving AND it's used to walking several miles a day. Sorry, little body.

through the wall, part 2

I am sitting at my computer getting some work done and through the wall, where "joseph" lives, Beirut is playing. It sounds like it's on a news program and I can't quite hear it well enough to figure out what the show is and what channel it's on, so I can turn it on. I briefly went to the living room to flip channels, but found nothing with Beirut. I'm sure it was just a clip, but it made me overjoyed. I mean, a few nights ago Death Cab was coming through the wall and now Beirut. I am loving the fun, good music that "joseph" is listening to these days, even if it is thanks to television shows. So, this is all pretty random and quite possibly not that interesting, but I just wanted to share my little joys with the immense world of cyberspace. :-)

World War II IN MY ROOM

It's 3:08am and I am exhausted but awake. And my neighbor has the tv blaring. Tonight it's the history channel with a special on WWII. So, basically I'm sleeping in the middle of a war zone. I'm very thankful that is not really where I live and sleep. But right now there is gunfire, bombs, helicopters, sirens, of course the commentator, much talk of Hitler meaning also crowds of people, a mix of Spanish and German, war music,... I'm taking some melatonin and hoping for pleasant dreams or just for my sleepiness to out-win in the fight against noise and sleep. Night, for now, I hope... Oh, now he's flipping channels... Hopefully something calming will prevail... But then it just occurred to me that my roommate is out of town, so I actually have an even better, farther away from the noise option. Happiness!

Wait For It...

Okay, I love this song. And it's in my head right now. I'm taking a short detour from finishing up a few papers I need to write.

I appreciate the lyrics and the fact the commentary on our "instant" lives today of smartphones, e-mail, tweets, blogs,... and our becoming accustom with instant replies, things coming easy, and not waiting. Anyway, I could write more but should get back to what I was doing before this musical interlude.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not all against technology nor some of the things that simplify life. I, for instance, am LOVING my new iphone and the fact that I actually spend less time messing with e-mail and such, or at least less computer time on these things, because I can now check them on the bus, metro, walking, while I'm waiting, or whenever. I can reply back in the moment and be done with it. Technology is good if it's a tool and not a burden. But I DO also appreciate the old-fashion slowness of writing letters, camping, the outdoors, I love that in Spain I have to hang out my clothes to dry instead of having a dryer, that I walk and take public transportation instead of driving, that I make food from scratch (even if it takes longer), and that people take time to just be with people and to just enjoy life. I'm not trying to make a US - Spain comparison here, because there are plenty of good things about the US. I just am making the point that the art of "waiting," even the unwanted waiting of waiting in lines and waiting on people is something we'd do well not to lose. While I'm rambling, I must say, I am not by any means the most patient person. I like things to be efficient, quick, effortless,... But living here in Spain has taught me a lot more patience. It's taught me to not get so ruffled by unexpected interruptions in my day, or things that just take longer or take more hassle than expected. I've become much more easy-going, much more go with the flow. So, anyway, there are some of my random ramblings, which I know are still slightly under the influence of nyquil (see previous post). Enjoy the music. :-)

Sleeplessness... and random ramblings..

Unfortunately, I am wide awake at 2:45 am and part of my unablity to fall asleep is the neighbor's tv BLARING through the wall. It's actually not an uncommon occurrence, but usually I just pray, ask the Lord to help me sleep and then just begin to talk to God, and somewhere in the midst, I eventually fall asleep. Not tonight.

Somehow his tv, which ironically sounds like Pekín Express a show I really like, has enough fluctuations in tone and noise that I can't help but to listen to it. And it's, as usual, turned up pretty loud. I'm guessing he is actually asleep, or fading in and out of sleep as it seems is common for old men.

So... I'm blogging for a bit and then will try to go to sleep. Hmm... or maybe I'll try to finish my book, which only has about 20 pages left. I have energy to get up and do something, but if I do that it's doubtful I'll get to sleep before 4 o 5. I'm turning into my brother. Oh, the joys of sharing a wall with an insomniac neighbor with hearing problems.

Okay, now they're singing "La Bamba" on the tv. Honestly I'm more humored than frustrated. I just know rationally that I should be sleeping instead of typing and yet half want to turn on the tv and find the show he's watching, but it's nearly impossible for me to fall asleep to something I'm actually somewhat interested in, unless I'm dead tired. Okay, enough rambling for now.

Okay... so some commercials are now on and just a couple notes from a completely unrelated song now have "we used to wait" in my head by Arcade Fire. I actually love the song but have a feeling I'm going to fall asleep with it in my head. Oh, wait. Now a clip of Lady Gaga's "bad romance" just came on. Oh, now he's switching channels... a game show... changing again... a cooking show? at 2:55am? really? Well, this is much lest dynamic...I can probably sleep to this. Oh, shoot, now we're on news, I think. Probably also good sleeping tv. We'll see... This may not be exciting to read, but I'm fairly humored by my play-by-play of the neighbor's late night tv watching through the noise of my bedroom wall. Now we're back on commercials, which as always are louder than the normal tv noises. But at least we're on a talk show or some news sort of show. Should be good for sleeping. Night.

Note: Yoshitomo Nara is the artist of the picture above, one of my sister's favorite artists and actually one i like a lot too. this piece is called sleepless, which seemed appropriate.

not wanting to miss out...

I'm such a dork. I've known this for quite awhile but just was thinking about it today as I was about to act completely irrationally... or maybe not irrationally but psycho. I suffer from both the desire to not miss out on ANYTHING or at least not miss out on the possibility of missing out on something. AND I suffer from wanting to be wherever there might be something fun where fun people are. I hate to feel like I'm missing out. That's probably why at times I do WAY too much and can be way too slow to commit to things until I know all my options (bc I also don't like to back out of things that I said I'd do or places I'd be), but then I also don't like to say no until I'm sure I wanted to say no. I don't like my options to be closed bc I'd hate to miss out or to not say yes to anything and not have a plan B, C, or D.

So recently EVERYONE and their brother seems to be getting U2 tickets for St. Louis. Now granted I do love U2 and have ALWAYS wanted to go to their concert AND it is likely that I'll be in the States when they're playing in STL, but it's still up in the air AND all these people going to the show already have their tickets. AND good tickets cost way too much than I can probably justifiably spend for a show right now. This morning I was looking at tickets and dreaming about going. For now, I should probably let it sit and if it is to be, well than things will work themselves out when I can responsibly make a decision and commit to going.

Wow. That was quite a bit of rambling about nothing. Probably in reality it was my assuring myself that I made the right decision instead of trying to track down some tickets and people to go with me. Although... I may change my mind. It is U2. Maybe I just need to hurry up and figure out if it's plausible for me to be in MO for those dates, which is a little up in the air. I may be in CO. Anyway... things for me to think about.

music - random musings

It's interesting how much a role music plays in my life. Okay, maybe that sounds more dramatic than I intend. Anyway... Music. Music is there to either help change my mood, to help me to process, or to sit with me in whatever mood I may be in, whether it be pure joy, excitement, music to dance to, or sad, melancholy, pensive, mourning, or angry, punch someone, mad at the world, or whatever... I have mixes for a plethora of emotions, or I have certain artists or genres that I turn to when I am sad and want to momentarily snap out of it, or want to just dwell in my emotion, or want to work through and move forward. So interesting. I can just turn on certain songs and it takes me to the place I need to be, or helps me listen to the words and move forward. And I know I'm so speaking in vagueness, but recently some songs have changed, or for me they have. I have no idea what the song was intended for, nor do I actually want to know, but at one point I heard one thing and now I hear another. There's some postmo thoughts for you. :-) Anyway, I am thankful for good friends, but also for good music.

BTW right now I'm listening to Over the Rhine, which I've listened to more times than I can count over the past few months. It's somehow been like a soft blanket or a pair of running shoes in the midst of processing life. And even if the music in itself isn't happy, smiley music, it inevitably lifts my mood and helps me to walk forward being okay with the mix of emotions inside me. I don't have to be happy, smiley. I can just be me and can be happy but also can be sad and in process.

blogging...

Okay. So, yes, I'm going a little nuts tonight in the blogging department. My roommate's grandma died today. I'm am hormonal and sad. And what I usually do Monday night is temporarily suspended until November. I should have gone running or something but instead I'm home blogging, something I haven't really done for awhile. I haven't really had much time to do so. But now... I seem to need to. So, that's what I'm doing. Unless I can't sleep, there probably won't be much more for the next week or so, because Monday night I am actually around, but we'll see...

hmm... am i nuts?

so... i went and got my haircut today. i never like my hair when they cut it, so maybe in a couple days i'll change my mind.

but am i nuts? i went to a place my roommate recommended to me and told him to do whatever. i described what i'd had before, what i might like,... but when he said, "so basically you're letting me do whatever i want." i, of course, said, "basically."

he went to work, chopping away, which felt great and felt a little freeing. somehow recently anything that has to do with change feels great & freeing. somehow afterward i tend to think, "what was i thinking? everything feels like it's changed and is changing." that's why i wanted my hair cut short again. i actually was thinking really short, but anyway i thought, "i might as well leave hair cutting to the experts" since i have no idea. but it is super textured. he went a little nuts and yet i wonder if it's bordering on a she-mullet. okay, maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but i'm not a huge fan. maybe in a few days or a few months. BUT i need to remember in a few months that i like my hair long. i should let it grow out even when it gets to the awkward in between phase it was at before this crazy fiasco. okay... i am definitely over reacting. it is a good haircut, just not what i had hoped for. BUT then i told him to do whatever, so i can't much complain. next time maybe i'll have to make a trip to see my friend carlos (although he lives 2.5 hrs away). it's just hair, anyway! isn't that what they always say. i'll have to play with it a bit and get used to it. :-S hopefully a couple of days will make a world of difference. we'll see what people tonight say. if they like it, i'll feel worlds better. i'm such a dork.

out of control

so, i just spent entirely WAY too much time on my computer and connected to internet world tonight. i actually was working most of the time sending e-mails and messages for some upcoming stuff that i need to nail down, but out of control. i'm just not wired to do non-stop admin stuff for hours on end. and having to send fb messages and e-mails has way too many distractions. and i only can stay focused on that kind of stuff for so long, which is why a few other msgs were sent and now this little post. so, now it's way later than i planned, i do have to get up early, or madrugar as they'd say here, so that's it for now. just a mindless, random rant. although i'm actually thankful to have a few more things checked off the invisible to-do-list.

decorating!!!

I've been thinking on and off about decorating my apartment and while I probably won't we able to actually do so until Christmas, I at least have a few more ideas...

...estanterías, or bookshelves, made from old, brown crates. fun in part because we found a guy who sells crates (versus having to find this many in good shape on the street) for cheap. also fun because i'll get to design it and such.

... a floor lantern for the hallway, possibly two, one at each end, for when we have guests over. it's kind of a long hallway, but i hate leaving the lights on and wasting the electricity. plus candles are always more enchanting.


















... i'd also love a little corner in the living room with a soft, comfy chair to curl up in with a book. or maybe a hammock, although that would probably take up a lot of space.

... lots of textures, pretty earthly but also pretty. hmm...

... paint is the thing i haven't quite figured out. I wouldn't actually mind a couple shades of brown with maybe some earthly colors to accent (either real colors or whites and greens and blues and maybe the right color of coral or pink)... i really have no idea.

... i'm thinking of moving the huge bookshelf/buffet to the entryway of the hall to make more space

... the entryway needs a major overhall. i'd love to get a lot of morroccan lamps and such to make it very inviting and magical. the main question is the cost and where to find cheap, morroccan lamps. maybe i just make to take a trip down south soon. :-)

... and i think the entryway definitely needs a coat of paint, possibly a more vibrant color...

... and then there is a bookshelf that could be painted. i would totally strip it, but that is a long, some what toxic process. so... that also has to be decided, depending on where it ends up.

so... those are my rambling, random thoughts on redecorating as of late. not to mention some of the remodeling we're going to request from our landlord. i'd so love love love a new kitchen, or at least new cabinets and stove/oven. one that actually has a temperature gauge in the oven instead of just having to guess by the size of the flame and then knowing it will take longer and possibly have to be tinkered with and possibly turn out unevenly heated... i so have kitchen envy of the place we stayed in on the surf trip. cooking was so much more simple.

if i had my druthers i'd have a marble counter top. that's unlikely, but a girl can definitely dream.

café

:-) yum! well it seems like the web domain panic is just about gone, although i'm still waiting for it to get fully resolved (i'm waiting for wordpress support to write me back). but it does look like all is well, no information lost, it looks like we still have our web domain, it just doesn't actually work yet.

in the meantime, i'm drinking some coffee - just pure espresso this morning (i need to go buy some soymilk), which is probably helpful since i'm running low on sleep, and it does taste mighty good.

here are two quick side notes before i get back to being productive...

here are two blogs that made me laugh (i found them looking for coffee pics):

"how to defend your coffee habit"

"coffee as a cure for the plague

and, secondly, contrary to these blogs and to my love of coffee, i actually do think that it's much more advisable to not be addicted to coffee, but to merely use it now and then when necessary for either emotional or mental conditions. :-) it's definitely true that coffee addiction makes more tired in the long-run, as it drains your adrenal glands and causes you to need stimulant to function (and actually to function at a lower level of energy). bottom line, it's not so good (although it is tasty) and better in small doses, or on occasion.

note: i think i am mindlessly writing whatever, so this is probably very much random ramblings...