the messiness...

"The world is a mess; that's hardly deniable. The world fell from its innocence when we disobeyed the law of love in Eden, and ever since then the world (our home) has been marked by misery and mess - war broken relationships, poverty, disease, greed, crime, injustice, hatred, loneliness, hunger, ignorance and death, to name just a few of the common messes that ruin our human living. And we know the particular messes of our own individual lives and of our own society and time. Just think of the messes that have been in the news of late: runaway debt, joblessness and economic anxiety, sexual abuse and terrorism, and on. And on.

God considered it well, we may trust; if he was to incarnate himself and become fully human, he would have to come into all the messiness of our world and at least for a time, be not only immersed in it but actually undone by it - drowned in it, so to speak. Bu that is the grace of Christmas, that God was willing to do that, for love's sake. Christ Jesus came into the messy world to save sinners.... Christ came into the world as a baby to save me, to rescue me, not only from the just wrath of the living God, but also from all the messes I've created, or inherited, or aggravated... The messes are precisely what he came to redeem by subjecting himself to them, all the way to death!" - Ron Lutjens, "Advent 2011"

music - random musings

It's interesting how much a role music plays in my life. Okay, maybe that sounds more dramatic than I intend. Anyway... Music. Music is there to either help change my mood, to help me to process, or to sit with me in whatever mood I may be in, whether it be pure joy, excitement, music to dance to, or sad, melancholy, pensive, mourning, or angry, punch someone, mad at the world, or whatever... I have mixes for a plethora of emotions, or I have certain artists or genres that I turn to when I am sad and want to momentarily snap out of it, or want to just dwell in my emotion, or want to work through and move forward. So interesting. I can just turn on certain songs and it takes me to the place I need to be, or helps me listen to the words and move forward. And I know I'm so speaking in vagueness, but recently some songs have changed, or for me they have. I have no idea what the song was intended for, nor do I actually want to know, but at one point I heard one thing and now I hear another. There's some postmo thoughts for you. :-) Anyway, I am thankful for good friends, but also for good music.

BTW right now I'm listening to Over the Rhine, which I've listened to more times than I can count over the past few months. It's somehow been like a soft blanket or a pair of running shoes in the midst of processing life. And even if the music in itself isn't happy, smiley music, it inevitably lifts my mood and helps me to walk forward being okay with the mix of emotions inside me. I don't have to be happy, smiley. I can just be me and can be happy but also can be sad and in process.

some perspective...

so... here are some of the things i read today that helped me to gain a bit of perspective and, in addition to processing things with the Lord and him giving me some insight and perspective, reading his word (the Bible) always seems to help me step back and to breathe.

Matthew 5 "Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court..."

Colossians 3:12-15 - "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful."

Ezekial 36:24-36 - "I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God. And I will deliver you from all your uncleannesses. And I will summon the grain and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you. I will make the fruit of the tree and the increase of the field abundant, that you may never again suffer the disgrace of famine among the nations. Then you will remember your evil ways, and your deeds that were not good, and you will loathe yourselves for your iniquities and your abominations. It is not for your sake that I will act, declares the Lord God; let that be known to you.

...Thus says the Lord God: On the day that I cleanse you from all your iniquities, I will cause the cities to be inhabited, and the waste places shall be rebuilt. I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it."

Psalm 15 - "O Lord, who shall sojourn in your tent? Who shall dwell on your holy hill?

He who walks blamelessly and does what is right and speaks truth in his heart;
who does not slander with his tongue and does no evil to his neighbor, nor takes up a reproach against his friend;... and does not take a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things shall never be moved."

Psalm 24:1-10 - "The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein, for he has founded it upon the seas and established it upon the rivers.

Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false
and does not swear deceitfully. He will receive blessing from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek the face of the God of Jacob. Selah

Lift up your heads, O gates! And be lifted up, O ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in. Who is this King of glory? The Lord, strong and mighty, the Lord, mighty in battle!

Lift up your heads, O gates! And lift them up, O ancient doors, that the King of glory may come in. Who is this King of glory? The Lord of hosts, he is the King of glory! Selah"

a child?

so, yesterday amidst the many stops i hung out with one of my best friends, catha, and her little 5 mos old baby, sydney. sydney is adorable and has actually grown in her cuteness since i saw her last (when i first got home, end of may).

so as we were talking, catha mentioned that they are having a hard time choosing a guardian, or that person that would take care of their kid(s) should anything God forbid happen to her and john. and she said that of course it would be an easier decision if i lived in the US. i told her that of course if anything were ever to happen that i would be more than happy to take care of sydney and kin, although possibly in spain (or wherever i may be).

at the time it was an obvious reply, but as i went home and laid awake in bed, it occurred to me that it would be a HUGE life-changing decision, should, God-forbid, that ever happen. i began to think of all the decisions a parent moving kids overseas has to think about and all the decisions a parent in general would make. i mean, i'm sure i just touched the surface, but there is the issue of her grandparents all being in missouri-illinois, the wishes of her parents in terms of where she would grow up, where she would attend college (mainly if it would be in the us or abroad), her emotional trauma and all that she would go through if her parents died and then she moved overseas with her mom's best friend, but someone whom she only knew from occasional visits and cards. it made me then think briefly of if all this were to happen while i were single and how, if it happened tomorrow, how it would completely turn my world upside down too. how would i juggle it all? should i really be the one to raise their kid? so many questions. and the fact that this needs to be a real, prayerfully made decision, not just an "of course i'd take care of your kid because i'm your friend" answer. even though in a sense, i still think it is probably that easy. i mean i think it is that simple, even taking away the fact that my life would be turned upside down. sydney would be worth it. crazy... i mean really insane thinking that that could happen. but it could.

and now that i type all this out, i think it would actually be okay. very very complicated, but somehow the Lord would work it out. i mean my best friend in spain is a single mom and somehow she does it. definitely not ideal, nor what i'm hoping for, but just to say... and hopefully, sometime sooner than later i may actually find someone i'd want to spend the rest of my life with and get married and possibly have kids of my own. i know nothing is promised in that respect and i am fairly content with my life, but it is something i still desire (if, of course, i find someone i don't want to live without who, of course, feels the same way about me). it would be nice... and most likely will eventually happen.