emotions...

The good of this day filled with strong and not so comfortable emotions, is that I actually can identify what I feel and part of why without prejudging nor suppressing them. That is good. Now it's just a matter of processing through it, so that I can hear truth and experience growth and healing. Oh, emotions.

jealousy...

I guess it goes way back... both in me and in the world. Jealousy. No, not something I'm proud of... but, yes, it's the third major emotion I've felt today.

It's my dad's bday and my sister and her beau are in town. I've felt major insecurity and thus a bit on edge. I've felt trapped. And I feel jealousy mixed with insecurity. Even though I am in my thirties, I still want my dad to love me. And I still am afraid that he (and everyone else for that matter) likes my little sister better than me. It seems completely idiotic. But it is the way I feel. It is the predominant emotion right now. And somehow these crazy emotions are getting in the way of being as productive as normal. Yet, it is good to get to some of the root, so that hopefully I can figure out what idols are there and then see that God really is sufficient to meet the need I seek to meet elsewhere. And to believe again that Christ died and rose again for exactly this reason, for me and for us.

I am extremely grateful that the Gospel is true. I am extremely grateful that I can rest in knowing that I belong to Jesus. He has paid my way and given me his righteousness in exchange. So, if I'm a mess, I can run to him. I don't have to try to pretend it's really not that bad. Because it actually is way worse than I thought... and is way worse than I even know...

So my little chain of confessions is not to say "i'm a mess and will never change" but rather to say "Jesus, oh how I need you. Make me more like you. Rescue me. And thank you for loving me... knowing full well that this is just the surface of the wretchedness in me."

walls...

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about walls, specifically walls I put up out of self-protection, walls around my heart.

I tend to pride myself on being open and fairly transparent. YET I am coming to realize that at the sight of anyone being unsafe or uninterested I put up walls and leave them up until the subject is broached or they re-prove themselves to be safe and wanting to hear about my life. I'm not talking about strangers here, I'm talking about friends. I test the ground to see if it will hold and if there is any doubt, up come the walls. There are exceptions to the rule. Exceptions generally include people who need me, who thus can't really hurt me.

This may sound like pure craziness, but it is one of my broken cisterns I run to... self-protection. Unfortunately I have become quite resourceful and efficient in protecting myself from harm. I like not being sensitive nor getting hurt (and some of the walls are wise). YET it also prevents me from fully embracing life and friends.

Today a friend and I talked through a bit of our walls and some the broken places in our story, when we began to build the walls and when we do so. It was refreshing and freeing. She is a good friend who I value and care about, but with whom my walls have gone up. Ironically I think we've both done the same. I actually care what she thinks, so there is more risk. Yet somehow just talking and sharing our wounds and fears and sharing some real things going on has brought the wall back down, at least for now. It feels nice. And yet ironically it makes me long for deeper relationship. It makes me desire a husband and ultimately the intimacy that we won't experience fully until things are put to right. It also makes me miss my Spain and my dear friends who are so far away. Yet I would much rather feel life than have my senses numbed.

Why am I so worked up?

Unfortunately it seems that the holidays and family functions are often a mixture of joy and pain. This Thanksgiving was no different.

For the past few months, my parents and I have been coexisting in the same environment and interacting now and then. The reality is that there are a few unspoken tensions, some of which have been resolved, and some which have not. In writing all of this, I know that I too am with fault and have likely been particularly sensitive, which doesn't help my emotion behind all of this.

So, during our rushed Thanksgiving dinner, I mentioned the Lexicon I was making for my World Religion class, a glossary of the important terms from each major religious tradition. It's been a great class for growing in understanding and learning much about others. It hasn't changed what I believe, but it has changed how I relate to others and how I think of others in various religious traditions. I've read novels, listened to songs and stories, read some of their sacred texts, and discussed in detail the questions being asked by each. I've learned a lot and also realized that I have much to learn.

My mom is highly involved in an interfaith council and both of my parents view themselves as highly open, liberal Christians. Like myself, they highly value other cultures and learning, but they also would argue that all roads lead to god. I would not. While I enjoy learning and better understanding and while I love learning and better appreciating other religious and cultural traditions, I think that there is one mediator between God and man, Jesus Christ. I know this sounds exclusive and narrow, on one hand it is and on another it is not. I believe it is a path open to all who will believe and bow a knee to Christ. I also know that not all people will do this and that many follow other paths that are to either reach God or some universal all through sacrifice, good deeds, and ritual. While there are very good people who follow other religious traditions, I would argue that they don't reach to God. I can't reach God either unless I go through Christ and that is no work of my own.

And, yes, I do think it is right to be in discussion with others, to seek to understand. And yet a follower of Christ cannot deny that they desire all to come to know Him. If they did, they would be unloving. Yet this is the point at which most people take offense. And yet Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, and others would do the same. But that wouldn't be seen as narrow and offensive, it would be seen as being open-minded and culturally open. This is why I am frustrated. My dad wants me to acknowledge the Bible to be on par with other sacred texts and Christ to be ONE of the ways to God. My mom wants to merely talk about differences but to merely explore others' beliefs and yet not hold firmly to Christianity's core beliefs. That is not open, unbiased discussion. Not at all. Yet that is what I am told to do, leave my beliefs at the door, and embrace all. On one hand, I wholeheartedly agree and, on the other hand, I cannot. I do want to embrace all and I do want to learn and listen and understand. I don't want to bulldoze others over, I want to love and serve and pray and share my beliefs as they do. I will pray that they would come to Christ, but if they don't I won't shun or act unrightly toward them. That is why this bothers me. Have I acted unrightly toward people in the past of other beliefs? Am I unloving and one who bulldozes over others? No, I don't think I generally am. At times I may and, hopefully, I then generally ask for forgiveness. I am clearly emotional and upset and hurt. I want my example and attitude to be that of Christ in Philippians. Oh, I pray that it would be more and more like that. And I do pray that people would be changed by seeing Christ in me. Oh how I pray that would be true. I pray that people would not stumble as a result of my testimony, verbal or in action, but instead be confronted with the truth and love of Christ alone.

Both Thanksgiving and today, I realize that this is likely HIGHLY emotional for me and likely not so emotional for them. Their faith is not an essential part of everything they do. It is connected, but it isn't one of the first things they would say that characterizes their life. For me, it is. If I am not a good representation of Christ, that is tragic. Yes, God will and can change me, but it is the reputation and reflection of my God and Savior and King, that is marred by my sin, a reputation and a reflection that I long to be crystal clear to those on-looking. He is my all. He is my life. He is my Lord. I want all I do and say and am to glorify Him and reflect Him. That is why this is so personal. It's not really about me being right or wrong; it's about Him.

Having said all this, I do love and think the world of my parents. I'm grateful to have time with them, I just wish it weren't a mix of joy and pain.

Re-Entry Thought #11

It's been awhile since much has struck me as crazy odd, in respect to returning back to the US. Yes there are odd moments when it feels like a circumstance that has been a long, long time since I last experienced something like it. That still happens.

But my thought today is more about habit. Getting used to being in the same country as your family and many loved ones is an odd thing, particularly as it relates to keeping in touch. We've gotten used to the 6-7 hour time difference and, reading an e-mail from my sister recently just affirmed that I am not the only one feeling the oddity of the change in hours.

I don't think to call until it's too late to call, particularly since my sister lives an hour later than I do. And apparently the same is happening to her.

What we're used to is calling one another at semi-ungodly hours. I would call her if I was up to 1am. She would call me if she was up early in the morning. Now that doesn't work exactly the same.

Changes... changes in habits... that is what this is really about.

"we used to wait..."

Waiting... Hoping... Impatience... Surrender... Waiting... Hoping... Waiting... Hoping... Joy In Waiting... Peace in Waiting... Impatiently Waiting... Surrender... Hopefully & Expectantly Waiting.... Waiting

The kindness & sweetness of the Lord

I have MUCH to write here and doubt I'll get very far right now, since I actually need to be sleeping so I can get up in about 5 hours. The bad news is I haven't been sleeping well or much lately, which in inevitably means I'm fighting off a cold, fully equipped with vitamin c, equinacea, bee propolis, oj, and the like. But the Lord over the past few months and even just today has been so kind to me. I love the way he meets me just when I need it and just how I need it. I have a million and one decisions to make right now, with a million and one options (which as a friend I talked with today said, is NOT a good thing for me, the options that is). I've been running them through my mind, run a million and one scenarios, somewhat investigated the pros and cons of each, prayed, thought, and then finally came to my senses and realized i needed to talk it through with some people (primarily to verbally process and have them ask some good, insightful questions). God most definitely used them and I more or less had come to at least the first steps of the many decisions. I more or less have it all figured out now. I even have a few of the overwhelming situations that I've been at my wit's end trying to figure out, not fully fixed, but more or less settled and a plan and my mind no longer racing thinking through the possibilities and the "well, maybe"s.

Then I was spending some time praying with the Lord just about the future and the upcoming changes that are just a few months away and full of unknown. (I'm learning about myself that, which while I love change, I like to know what to expect and feel like things are under control and more or less figured out.) I'm grateful that I'm learning a whole new depth of what it means to walk by faith, to wait on the Lord, to trust him with that which I don't see (nor even know at times), and to let Him lead, trust that He'll show me the next steps and that He'll carry me and I don't HAVE to actually have it all figured out. In fact, it's probably better to not have some things figured out and in respect to this coming year and all my questions and unknowns, I probably have to just walk forward and the future and the plans the Lord has for me will just unfold.

Trust is a hard thing. Trust in unknown circumstances is a hard thing. And yet, while I'm still learning, trusting in someone I do know and someone who has proved time and time again to be trustworthy and sweet and kind and tender and to have my best in mind and to be far wiser and have far better plans than I do, shouldn't be that hard. And isn't the more closely I walk with Him. I'm grateful that the Lord's been so patient with me and so faithful to lead me slowly through various paths of unknown. When I do walk by faith and quiet trust, it's so glorious and wonderful and peaceful. I'm so grateful for this time. And so glad that the Lord cares about me and my heart. He is faithful and works despite me. And I love love love His word and the way it speaks LIFE to me and speaks VOLUMES to me.

I may at some point write more and more specifics about what I'm learning, the specific areas of "walking by faith" that I'm talking about, etc., but for now the general and not quite as personal will have to suffice.

a fog of emotions...

So... maybe this is food for thought in and of itself... but it seems that when i am exhausted, which is almost every Friday and at some point during the weekend and such, i find myself in a fog of emotions... which is also when i find the need to process, think, write,... not necessarily when i want to talk (or at least not just with anyone) and also when i am more sensitive, defensive, etc., thus... i should learn to NOT schedule a ton on my Fridays and times where i am exhausted.

Today I had a few appointments and I realized in the midst of one that I was a little defensive. I was being transparent, honest about where I am, probably painting a little more melancholy picture than is fully accurate (again, bc i was tired but also because i tend to tell you how i feel NOW specifically not generally) and was told that I just needed to focus on the positive and try to be happy. What! Not what I wanted or needed to hear. Yes, I'm happy. No, I'm not depressed or anything of the like. Yes, I have a million emotions floating around BUT I don't actually think that is bad. I actually think it's good. So... when I was told to be happy and not worry about the sad, I was a little defensive and said that I didn't think it was a bad thing to process and to be sad, as long as I didn't bemoan my present reality and just stay there forever. (Which I don't actually think I'm doing.) I also said that I thought it was actually refreshing and good to be embracing my negative, or sad emotions, instead of just trying to "perk myself up." It's definitely caused me to run to the Lord and He hasn't been telling me to just "snap out of it." No, again, I can't just spend my whole day down. I have to live and be present and all that. BUT it's okay to have my moments and to not be falsely happy when I'm not.

So, yeah, that's a little bit of ranting... but emotions aren't bad. If I were to allow them to control me and monopolize all my time, yes, that would be bad. But while I may not like this valley that I'm in and may not fully understand why I'm here, the Lord is so near, sweet, and hasn't at all left me alone. I guess the blessing and what I needed from this time with my apt, was to realize that I am OKAY right where I am. And that in a strange way I AM happy and thankful for this valley. It may be a valley that seems like the valley of the shadow of death. But in that valley, I've seen & felt my Mighty and Good Shepherd all the nearer and the body of Christ all the more dear and necessary. So... I am thankful for that which I want and that which I don't. It's true that the LORD does work ALL things to the good of those who love Him, to those called according to His purposes. Glory to God. I may not understand but then again I don't need to. He is God and I am not. It may be hard for me to walk without sight, but then again I did ask for him to teach me how to walk by faith and how NOT to have to be in control. I guess that's what I'm learning, how to walk without sight but trusting HIM and HIM ALONE to lead me.

dark and twisty

Meredith in Grey's Anatomy talks about being dark and twisty, or at least she did. I've been feeling that way recently as I've been processing the plethora of emotions. And ironically at church yesterday someone told me I looked punky and a little dark. It made me laugh.

I do have a more funky haircut, which I've been styling a little more edgy bc (1) it better that way and (2), again, a little how I feel. My hair has also gotten darker, which probably adds to that, although it's still blond-ish (ie blond for spain and light brown for the states). (In fact, for awhile I thought about dying it black, but decided it was too much work and probably wouldn't actually look that great and i, well, tend to procrastinate things like that or just go for it, anyway. We'll see. I'd probably do something temporary anyway.) I've been feeling more punky and black and dark and twisty, or at least now and then when i'm feeling down & a little melancholy. Which is probably I LOVED the idea of dressing up as something goth or dark for Halloween (al final I didn't do much of anything, but anyway... and in Spain if you do anything for Halloween it can't be cute, it has to be something dead or dying...).

Ironically the hair was an accident. My hair needed something and I figured I'd cut it once more before letting it grow out, so I told the guy to do whatever and he went nuts with the scissors with millions of little layers. All in all, it is cute and funky. So, yeah, a couple people have told me recently that I look punk-ish, in part bc of the hair and in part bc I've probably been dressing more punk-ish and with the hair if fits. Plus I did put in a nose ring instead of the stud I've had in for awhile. It goes better with the hair... But I find it hard to think that I could actually look very punk-ish. I am so not that cool. But anyway, it is fun for awhile. And does go with how I feel.

So, yeah, I feel dark, twisty, a little mad at the world, but that's okay. This too shall pass eventually. And meanwhile I guess I'm becoming more okay with negative emotions and that they don't need to just be gotten rid of... Anyway, I'm way rambling...

So, I found a picture recently in a magazine that I love. It's a girl in a field throwing torn, confetti-like paper to the wind with a smile on her face. That's what I've been thinking a lot on recently. I want to LET GO, throw my hands up, not try to control things that I clearly can't, nor try to grasp on something that is far from my grasp anyway, and TRUST, WAIT, and REST in God's strong, tender, loving arms. That's what I want.

The dark, twistiness is probably just my emotions and anger and sadness. It's there, but so is a quiet hope and joy of that which I cannot see right now. :-)

music - random musings

It's interesting how much a role music plays in my life. Okay, maybe that sounds more dramatic than I intend. Anyway... Music. Music is there to either help change my mood, to help me to process, or to sit with me in whatever mood I may be in, whether it be pure joy, excitement, music to dance to, or sad, melancholy, pensive, mourning, or angry, punch someone, mad at the world, or whatever... I have mixes for a plethora of emotions, or I have certain artists or genres that I turn to when I am sad and want to momentarily snap out of it, or want to just dwell in my emotion, or want to work through and move forward. So interesting. I can just turn on certain songs and it takes me to the place I need to be, or helps me listen to the words and move forward. And I know I'm so speaking in vagueness, but recently some songs have changed, or for me they have. I have no idea what the song was intended for, nor do I actually want to know, but at one point I heard one thing and now I hear another. There's some postmo thoughts for you. :-) Anyway, I am thankful for good friends, but also for good music.

BTW right now I'm listening to Over the Rhine, which I've listened to more times than I can count over the past few months. It's somehow been like a soft blanket or a pair of running shoes in the midst of processing life. And even if the music in itself isn't happy, smiley music, it inevitably lifts my mood and helps me to walk forward being okay with the mix of emotions inside me. I don't have to be happy, smiley. I can just be me and can be happy but also can be sad and in process.

SSLYBY - Let It Sway

Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin. A band I've been really getting into recently, which is ironic since the guy I was dating until recently LOVES this band and gave me a cd of their "greatest hits" right before we broke up. And yet I didn't really listen to it until about a month or two later. Somehow their melancholy or just downright heart-broken and depressing lyrics mixed with an upbeat, guster-ish tune makes me love them. And not to mention, they're from Missouri. Springfield to be exact. I love their lyrics and the fact that they seem pretty down to earth. I wish I'd heard more of their music before I went to a concert of theirs in STL exhausted and only knowing one song. They take some time to warm up to, at least did for me.

And, yes, as I'm still processing this break up, and I'm sure that this is part of me processing. At times my emotion is very much on my sleeve and I both need melancholy music and things that make me face the reality of it being over. So, SSLYBY is one of the many "new" things I've begun to do or listen to... It's such an odd thing but I've probably changed a million and one little things. It feels new and refreshing. And I know some of this makes no rational sense, but anyway.

Here's a video of the making of their new cd, "Let It Sway."


I love it! And here is a video from the album that actually is what first made me think twice about the band. :-)

the unknowns of life

be forewarned, this is definitely processing at its finest, or not so finest nor thought through. it's just pure thoughts as they come out. just to forewarn you:

some dear friends of mine left this morning for the states. they've been here the past 2.5 yrs and have become dear friends and trusted colleagues. they have a one and a half year old who was born here and they're going home to go back to seminary (for a phd) and to figure out what is next.

i'm so grateful to have gotten to know them and also grateful to have been blessed by them in countless ways. yet as i sit here, granted exhausted (which is why i'm taking a little "siesta" of sorts) and granted emotional, i'm a little introspective. in two weeks i'll turn 34, which somehow seems to be a big year. i mean, it's a year before 35 and 35 seems way too old for me to be. ever. particularly being kid-less and husband-less. i mean, 90+ percent of my life i'm next to fully content with being single and i actually LOVE my life, just the way it is. and i'm not by any means just enduring it. in many, many ways i'm thankful that i've had time to be here and to do a lot of things that i probably wouldn't have had time to do nor freedom and flexibility to do if i were married with kids. that said, 34? i mean, if i want kids, now is the time, no? and right now i think i could be ready. and i think i'm willing and desirous of that life. it's kind of a hard thing, and i guess in some ways good that you don't have it all just planned out ahead of time. i mean, i want to get married and i want to have kids, if the right guy comes along and really is THAT guy. if he doesn't, i still desire that life, but i'd rather never marry than to settle or to choose something lesser, even if that means never having kids of my own. and yet at the same time, now more than ever, i can see that that life means exchanging some of my flexibility and "freedom" for giving to others and little people, which at least today i want, the little people that is. and all this connects with my friends leaving in that they have a little person and my other friends leaving soon have two little people. and i DON'T feel like i'm wasting my life by any means, but in some ways, some little ways, i'm not sure my life has fully begun. i mean, i was thinking at the gym last night that i have probably NOT lived half of my life yet. i could get married in a year or two from now and have kids and have a whole different life than i've yet to know. crazy. or something else i have no idea about could happen. who knows... definitely not me.

so... what i actually meant to be writing about are the unknowns of life, which right now seem like a lot. the fall is a huge unknown - who will i be working with? what will my fall look like? the summer is a little unknown, but for the most part figured out, just some of the "who's" and "when's" are a bit unknown. and then the between the summer and fall is a little unknown, or at least what may or may not happen. then there are the next couple years. there is the boy situation. there is how that will play out, or not. there are the boy situations of some very very close friends... all of it unknown and way way way out of my control. i honestly don't know even how to think about it. and, thank God, that He actually remains a true constant. He doesn't shift nor change nor change his mind nor move nor step away for a time. He is FULLY and COMPLETELY present and active. no, i can't control him. no, i can't always figure him out nor understand WHY. but He's Good, really GOOD. and He love me and knows what's best for me and others. and he has a plan and a will. and He listens to me and cares and hears me. He holds me. He works in me, around me. He goes before and behind me. HE DOES know the plans ahead, whether it be the fall or the summer, or next year, or twenty or eighty or a hundred or a thousand or billion years from now. He KNOWS. and he cares. and as i've been reading a ton lately in psalm 106 & 107, he is gracious and merciful and faithful even when I am not (not that that justifies my wrong-doing, but it does give me confidence and peace that it's not all about me). i can't mess it all up. i'm not that powerful. and thank God that i'm not.

so, i've been reading about prayer recently, specifically i've been reading A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller (no relation). it's good, by no means rocket science but just real life wisdom. good stuff.

i think i had some other thoughts, that were probably much more profound than what i actually wrote. but this is me right now, just processing life, seeking to trust God and to walk by faith, taking Him at his word, trying to allow the Gospel to define my life, trying to allow God to lead me, and taking one day at a time.