Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about walls, specifically walls I put up out of self-protection, walls around my heart.
I tend to pride myself on being open and fairly transparent. YET I am coming to realize that at the sight of anyone being unsafe or uninterested I put up walls and leave them up until the subject is broached or they re-prove themselves to be safe and wanting to hear about my life. I'm not talking about strangers here, I'm talking about friends. I test the ground to see if it will hold and if there is any doubt, up come the walls. There are exceptions to the rule. Exceptions generally include people who need me, who thus can't really hurt me.
This may sound like pure craziness, but it is one of my broken cisterns I run to... self-protection. Unfortunately I have become quite resourceful and efficient in protecting myself from harm. I like not being sensitive nor getting hurt (and some of the walls are wise). YET it also prevents me from fully embracing life and friends.
Today a friend and I talked through a bit of our walls and some the broken places in our story, when we began to build the walls and when we do so. It was refreshing and freeing. She is a good friend who I value and care about, but with whom my walls have gone up. Ironically I think we've both done the same. I actually care what she thinks, so there is more risk. Yet somehow just talking and sharing our wounds and fears and sharing some real things going on has brought the wall back down, at least for now. It feels nice. And yet ironically it makes me long for deeper relationship. It makes me desire a husband and ultimately the intimacy that we won't experience fully until things are put to right. It also makes me miss my Spain and my dear friends who are so far away. Yet I would much rather feel life than have my senses numbed.
