re-entry thought #14 - ahhh!!!

I guess it's normal, BUT I'm realizing that I'm not a huge fan of reverse culture shock. But then who would be. What I dislike is that every new thing I do, seems that much stranger... I suppose that can be true when you go to a new culture, you just don't expect it to be true of the place you were born.

Most recent strange place was the movie theater. I'd been to one movie this summer. But for some reason, I guess since it was only the second and the last was in August, it felt very strange. Popcorn was crazy expensive, the way you went about doing things was different. I don't know what was so weird. But it did feel weird. That and the fact that I didn't really know anyone well who I went to see this film with. I was thankful for the one person I did kind of know... Why am I like this all of a sudden? So insecure. That seems odd, unnormal, uncharacteristically me,... or that is what I thought...

frustrated!!!!

walls...

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about walls, specifically walls I put up out of self-protection, walls around my heart.

I tend to pride myself on being open and fairly transparent. YET I am coming to realize that at the sight of anyone being unsafe or uninterested I put up walls and leave them up until the subject is broached or they re-prove themselves to be safe and wanting to hear about my life. I'm not talking about strangers here, I'm talking about friends. I test the ground to see if it will hold and if there is any doubt, up come the walls. There are exceptions to the rule. Exceptions generally include people who need me, who thus can't really hurt me.

This may sound like pure craziness, but it is one of my broken cisterns I run to... self-protection. Unfortunately I have become quite resourceful and efficient in protecting myself from harm. I like not being sensitive nor getting hurt (and some of the walls are wise). YET it also prevents me from fully embracing life and friends.

Today a friend and I talked through a bit of our walls and some the broken places in our story, when we began to build the walls and when we do so. It was refreshing and freeing. She is a good friend who I value and care about, but with whom my walls have gone up. Ironically I think we've both done the same. I actually care what she thinks, so there is more risk. Yet somehow just talking and sharing our wounds and fears and sharing some real things going on has brought the wall back down, at least for now. It feels nice. And yet ironically it makes me long for deeper relationship. It makes me desire a husband and ultimately the intimacy that we won't experience fully until things are put to right. It also makes me miss my Spain and my dear friends who are so far away. Yet I would much rather feel life than have my senses numbed.

re-entry thought #13

I haven't been blogging much and I haven't had too many cultural moments as of late. But this past weekend as I went to get the ingredients for a goat-cheese cheesecake, I was hit by the fact that I am not in Europe. Cheese. Good goat cheese and creme fraiche. Expensive and virtually, or literally, impossible to find. At least in the suburbs... Extremely frustrating when there are at least 100 pseudo-fake-gross-processed cheeses and NO creme fraiche and goat cheese that is just okay, but twice or triple the price I would have paid in Spain.

Yes, I know... it's gourmet food here. But there it's just food, normal people, normal, everyday food. I am venting and complaining, but I miss it.

All in all the cheesecake turned out fine and was worth the extra money I spent on cheese, but I'll have to remember to drive into the city the next time I want some "fancy" euro-cheeses. Missing my adopted home... but still thankful for my time here.

thanksgiving in the us

It's been six years since I've celebrated a Thanksgiving in the US. That added with NOT cooking for 50+ people and added with it just being me and the parents and added with having beaucoup work to get done this "break" made for a fairly uneventful, strange thanksgiving day. I was thankful to have some great friends with whom to spend dinner and was glad that my parents and I sat around the table together for a meal. But weird to say the least.

Yes, it caused me to pause briefly and to give thanks for what I have and how God has provided for me again and again this year. As my friend said tonight, "we've never truly been without."

It was fun to meet some fun turkish people which somehow strangely seemed appropriate on turkey day. It was nice and fairly uneventful. It made me a bit nostalgic about great thanksgivings past and friends and family whom I miss. Happy Thanksgiving!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, his love endures forever..." Psalms

p.s. Highlights on the menu were some incredible goat cheeses, one with honey drizzled on top with a sage leaf, and the other covered with blueberries and slightly sweet. Yum!

Re-Entry Thought #12

Ah! I feel like I'm in a constant airplane cabin. What I mean is that I feel like all the moisture in my body is being sucked out by all the heating and cooling going on and the fact that 95% of my life seems to be inside a building or car. I know I'm complaining, but doesn't it seem unhealthy to spend that much time inside? Granted I am a student, so much of that time is in the library over books or in a classroom. But, wouldn't it be healthy to travel by foot now and then on a subway or bus... plus wouldn't that help with air pollution and pollution in general? Just a thought. I do know that I'm on my soapbox. And I'm still presently in the hermetically sealed library writing papers and reading. I don't think I'll ever fully get used to the air-conditioning and extreme temperature changes instead of having nice open windows (without screens).

Re-Entry Thought #11

It's been awhile since much has struck me as crazy odd, in respect to returning back to the US. Yes there are odd moments when it feels like a circumstance that has been a long, long time since I last experienced something like it. That still happens.

But my thought today is more about habit. Getting used to being in the same country as your family and many loved ones is an odd thing, particularly as it relates to keeping in touch. We've gotten used to the 6-7 hour time difference and, reading an e-mail from my sister recently just affirmed that I am not the only one feeling the oddity of the change in hours.

I don't think to call until it's too late to call, particularly since my sister lives an hour later than I do. And apparently the same is happening to her.

What we're used to is calling one another at semi-ungodly hours. I would call her if I was up to 1am. She would call me if she was up early in the morning. Now that doesn't work exactly the same.

Changes... changes in habits... that is what this is really about.

Re-Entry Thought #10

I've now been back for a few months and today as I went running I passed the "new" high school. Basically, it's new to me. I think it's been there for probably 6+ years, but I haven't been around much in that time.

Well, school is in season and I just happened to be running around 4pm, when sports' practice is in full motion. So, I saw baseball players and games going on. I saw football players. And I saw cheerleaders.

Let me just say that it was hugely surreal, super strange. I mean, really... baseball? I haven't seen a baseball game in at least 6 years, but possibly longer. I have seen NO ONE with a bat or with a glove,... so it was weird. I've been having a lot of these "it feels like a dream" moments recently.

Tied Up In Knots Somewhere In The Woods

This is a post from a class I'm taking. Thought it was worth repeating.

“God provides for us, not just when we’ve done everything right, but also when we’ve screwed up. We can cry out to him when it’s our fault and ask for his mercy and grace.” (Tammie Matlack paraphrased)

This is what I don’t understand. I know that I don’t merit anything from the Lord on my own; it’s always God’s grace that he would choose to bless me. And yet I find it hard to believe that God’s grace still covers me when I really don’t deserve it, when it’s my fault that I’m in a certain predicament.

This past spring I sold most of what I owned in Madrid and made the arrangements necessary to move out of my apartment and move back to the US - sell my car, close my bank account, try to hand off pieces of the ministry I led in Madrid, and other details. I prayed about the details and all that needed to be done and, yet, was acutely aware of the things I didn't deserve. And that made me anxious. I didn't have everything under control. And it would be my fault if things didn't go well; my fault, I thought, that I hadn’t had the foresight to think through all the details. So I prayed, but didn't expect God to fix things. I expected him to provide in some way, knowing it would be okay, but expected it to be messy. God was in no way bound to bless me, particularly if it was my fault anyway.

As I say all this “out loud” on paper, I know it sounds ludicrous. But, if I'm honest, this is what my emotionally charged thought process was. One specific example has to do with my landlord letting me out of a lease that binded me to pay rent until October. I now needed to move out the end of May and, in my messed up mind, I blamed myself for not having figured this out the previous October. I reasoned that since I found out the previous September that I would most likely would have to leave Spain for six months, that I should have figured it all out then. Instead I was busy with life, deeply grieving the end of a relationship, still trying to figure out what I was going to do with the six months I needed to be gone, and assuming my roommate would live there with a subleaser. Instead of figuring it out, I had put it off until now. Now it was almost March and, knowing I had to give her two months notice, was fearful of what might happen.

Around this same time, friends of my roommate were in town. At a staff meeting we both attended, I asked for prayers about the details of my move and things with my landlord. The wife of these friends (Tammie Matlack) later said to me (paraphrasing), “Isn’t it hard to believe that God would bless us even when we don’t deserve it?”

Today as I read Jerry Bridges state, “Grace is not a matter of God’s making up the difference, but of God’s providing all the “cost” of salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.” I thought back to this situation and realized that I still have trouble believing the depth of God's grace.

As I read the analogy of the Grand Canyon, which I ironically have shared millions of times with students, it occurred to me that not only do I need Christ to bridge the gap, but I need him to lift me out of the mess I’ve gotten myself into that makes it fully impossible for me to even get to the bridge. I’m tied up in knots somewhere off the woods and need Jesus to rescue me from me, need him to forge a way through the forest, need him to build the gigantic bridge, and I need him to carry me to and over the bridge. I have nothing, nothing whatsoever, to bring to the table. I am fully and completely bankrupt and fully and completely crippled.

In Romans 5:8 it is stated, “But God demonstrates His own love in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ died for me, gave me his righteousness and standing with God, WHEN I UTTERLY DIDN’T DESERVE IT! I know this to be true. And yet, as I write this, it still hasn’t made it all the way into my heart.

Oh, Lord, help these truths to go deep into my heart of hearts. Help me to cease striving and know that You alone are God. Help me to realize that I’m covered in filthy rags that I can’t even take off on my own. Have mercy on me, sweet Jesus.

“All who are thirsty, all who are weak, come to the fountain, dip your heart in the stream of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away in the waves of His mercy, as deep cries out to deep. Come, Lord Jesus, come…” (“All Who Are Thirsty,” Brenton Brown)

Re-Entry Thought #9

Metro Madrid, oh how I miss you!

It's a true fact that the metro in Madrid, Spain, is one of the best in the world. It is impeccably clean, there are 14+ lines, it is inexpensive (about a dollar a ride), efficient (you generally only wait a couple minutes if you miss a train), and takes you nearly anywhere in the city and the outlying area (county) fairly quickly. And that doesn't even mention the extensive bus system and train system which go farther out the city to suburbs and to other cities. You can go ANYWHERE by just paying a few dollars.

Here in the US, on the other hand, there are only a few cities that I know of where there is anything even close to comparable. St. Louis is not one of those cities. Apparently back in the day it was, with an extensive system of trolleys. But that was long before my time, long before I was even born. Instead it is odd that one even could walk from one place to another. Usually the distances are larger and not made to be walked. You might have to cross a highway or something. And then if you were to try to hike across town you likely would look like a vagabond. Right now I live in the suburbs. I know that I am much more comfortable in the city. I like walking where I need to go. I like not having to drive. I like public transportation.

That being said, I do like driving, but am realizing that I miss all the walking and the ease of just walking down the street or up the street to catch a train to take me wherever I wanted to go, whenever I wanted. Or to walk around the corner for the grocery store, or just downstairs to go to the bank or bookstore or coffee shop. I could walk everywhere I needed in just a couple minutes. Not here. Not even close.

Metro Madrid, oh how I miss you...

Re-Entry Thought #7

Win! One win for me.

This morning I was in a staff meeting and actually gave some sound grammar advice. I even proved to amaze myself. And I found it more than a bit ironic that the girl who just got back to the US, who can hardly speak correct English herself is giving out English grammar advice. I did actually say that part out loud - "but then what do I know... I'm the girl who can hardly speak proper English herself."

Thought it was funny. And I'm totally proud that I can now speak English well enough to ONCE in awhile (probably very ONCE IN AWHILE) give out unsolicited English grammar advice. Ah, the joys of re-entry.

Re-Entry Thought #6

Phones. Móviles. IPhone. Outdated flip-phone. Fone. Phone. I can't even hardly spell "phone" correctly. (Which is even more ironic considering the next post, that I just wrote.)

But anyway... the thorn in my side right now is that I have a fully functional and beautiful iPhone 4.0 that I bought in Spain for $50, but that I can only use with a free wifi signal in the US. No Sprint, no Verizon, no nobody,... And both the phone and the plan cost about double here - something that I can't presently afford. I'm still investigating, but right now I have the phone I used 6+ years ago, a cute white flip phone and no not a nice mini-phone, but one of the bulky you can almost feel the radiation from the battery in your hand type, pre-pay phones. I should be thankful for what I have. I'm working on that. But I remember fondly my days of checking and replying to my e-mail on the metro, skyping friends for free throughout the day on my PHONE and showing them whatever I wanted to (oh, and seeing them on my phone). One day... all things will be made right. (And to be fully honest, I'm a little conflicted. I have a love - hate relationship with all the new technology. On one hand I love having some of it, but two am very aware that at times I am a product of the horrible consumerism in the US. I don't want to just follow the man and buy into the system. But that is something else to write about another time. Good things to think about that expose the impure places in my heart that despite my best efforts continues to follow things that don't satisfy nor bring life. This may have to do with re-entry, but is a much deeper issue. Oh, the wonderful grace of Jesus to save me despite my very unworthiness & my, even now, at times very unrepentant heart.)

Re-Entry Thought #5

Fall here comes early. Or where did my summer go? Or why are people asking me how my summer was? Isn't it still summer?

Yesterday I sat in on a meeting with the staff I will be working with this fall. At one point we were asked to answer the question, "How was your summer? Highs and lows..." What? My summer? Don't I have a month left? It is only early August, right? Oh, yes, August marks the fall in the states... It's Europe that has August as their vacation month, NOT the US.

I got back to the US early July and haven't really stopped since I got back. I haven't slept in the same house for more than a bit more than a week yet. I haven't yet gotten all my luggage and I definitely have neither had a vacation nor gotten settled yet. I will get settled, but this year there wasn't much time for my birthday and there definitely hasn't yet been time to catch my breathe. I'll be fine, but no I didn't really have a summer. Summer in Spain begins in mid-July and ends the end of September, here it begins in May and ends in early August. So, I got back here "early," meaning early July, but it's early August and I'm gearing up for my vacation, which would generally be in early September. Yes, there is some logic to my crazy emotions even if I definitely feel out of place and a little confused, many times for no seemingly logical reason. Ah, the joys of re-entry. And this doesn't even begin to address the fact that I keep on forgetting meals because it the timing is off, but that's another subject for another day.

Not Helpful

Recently I sat through a couple seminars on grief and how to walk with others through grief. Then yesterday I experienced exactly some of what they said NOT to do. I may not be in the depths of grief, as the result of a death or severe loss, but I am in the midst of the grief and transition of moving back to the US after six years abroad. Abroad is home, not here. My best friends, those in my daily life, and my "family" all live THERE not HERE. I am in transition and coming to grips with the loss of moving.

Well, yesterday I finally pinpointed one of my "fish out of water" moments and was able to pinpoint why. A girl told me how much she appreciated what I had shared about missing Spain and then proceeded to tell me that she understood exactly what I was going through. This summer she went overseas for a couple weeks and she missed her family a lot. I wanted to be sympathetic and appreciate her efforts to empathize, but... that is NOT HELPFUL. She may want to be empathetic, but she DOES NOT have any idea what I am going through. I don't want to bemoan my situation nor do I need to talk about it as much as I may do from time to time. YES, I do have some growth that need to take place. Life, even life right now, is NOT all about me. BUT... you don't understand reverse culture shock unless you've experienced it. And I'm sorry, but six years and a month are not the same. You may experience a glimpse of it after a month, but not really. It is NOT the same thing.

I need to remember this too, but one point I was brought back to from those grief seminars was that unless you've been through the same thing, it is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL to have someone say that they understand what you're going through. Some other examples people gave from the seminar were people who had lost a pet telling someone who had recently lost a parent that they understood what they were going through. BULL-POOP! And I think someone else likened someone's dealing with cancer by saying they understood because they too had just been really sick with the flu, or something like that. How would anyone thing that is helpful?

I know those are extreme examples, but even with something as seemingly benign as reverse culture shock, you just someone to listen, to say they're sorry, or to say, "you must be going through a lot right now" sympathetically, or honestly just saying nothing and not understanding is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better than saying they understand because they too have gone on vacation. Give me a break. I know this is a bit fuerte or critical, but just thought I'd process and share a bit. Thanks for listening.

Re-Entry Thought #4

A couple nights ago i was at a party and someone asked me how tall i was in spanish and i told him in feet and then said, "but i can't remember how many centimeters that is" (as if he'd even want to know). Oh, the joys of reverse culture shock.

Re-Entry Thought #3

Ah!!! My body is falling apart! Not really. But my hand HURTS! And just my left thumb.

I went and got a massage the other day and mentioned it to the woman. She said it looked like I had a bit of carpel tunnel. She asked if I'd been typing a lot. NO. I said it might be because I'm driving a heck of a lot more than normal. I'm used to walking and taking the metro or bus or train and once in a blue moon driving. Here I drive nearly everyday. I wish it weren't the truth, but it is. I have no choice. I can't walk or take a bike on the highway. And there are no other options. So I drive. And my hand hurts bad. She said I should start going to yoga as long as my body is getting used to driving. She said the pain in my back and in my lower back is from that too. REALLY? All that from beginning to drive everyday. Not good.

So that is my saga. I have a parasite (or probably many) that are slowly being killed off and I have a million aches and pains because my body isn't used to driving AND it's used to walking several miles a day. Sorry, little body.

Re-Entry Thought #2

I recently drove to and from Colorado. BUT since I got back to Missouri, I've seen COUNTLESS people wearing what look like ipod headphones, WHILE THEY DRIVE!!!! How in the world?

Apparently they are likely iphone headsets or other phone headsets. I guess I've been spoiled in Spain to have "hands free" built in to my car. Yes, it was installed by the gal who owned my car before me, but it's there. And if it weren't than I wouldn't be able to talk in the car BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL! And even though I am now in the US, I can't really believe that it's legal to talk in your car. I did see a billboard somewhere in Colorado or Kansas or Missouri saying that it's illegal to text while driving, BUT that seems to be the extent.

So, really, you think it's better to drive with HEADPHONES on instead of actually hearing the outside world and holding your phone in your hand while driving. Craziness...

I really thought I was going nuts until I found out that it was completely normal. Where am I? Not in Oz anymore.

Re-Entry Thought #1

I went to some friends' double birthday party a few nights ago and as I left felt oddly awkward. Being in the process of reverse culture shock, or re-learning my own native culture, I wasn't surprised, but I was trying to figure out why. It occurred to me that two things had occurred that my cultural radar had picked up on.

(1) Americans go home early. It was 11:30pm and I was enjoying myself and expected the party to go on for at least 2-3 more hours with others staying late or heading out somewhere else. This is what would have happened in Spain. Not in the US. Around 11:30pm those remaining all left in about 2 seconds, which involved their quick goodbyes to the host. It felt abrupt and as if they had realized they had overstayed their welcome, which by the way I don't actually feel was the case. I offered to help, finished what I was saying to the hostess, and took off, feeling like I wished there was something else to go to. Yes, I'd get home at 12 or later, due to the drive home, but that's early for Spain for a night of hanging out with friends, and note NOT a late night. A late night, such as New Year's Eve would go at least to 7am. I'm no longer in Madrid.

(2) The other "strange" reality to my spanishized self happened a few times throughout the night. I had been talking to someone who got ready to leave, albeit someone I had just met and I felt VERY odd that they just walked off, sometimes without really saying goodbye. Or they did SAY goodbye, but there was no physical contact. No besitos, or spanish air kisses, no hug, no handshake, no nothing. Not that they did anything wrong, but in Spain things would have been done differently. So I found myself leaning toward them waiting for them to say goodbye, but instead they just took off.

Then there were those I hadn't met or to whom I hadn't been talking to right before I left, I always expected to receive besitos and for them to come over to say goodbye. It wasn't like we were a massive group, but alas NO. They said goodbye to the hosts, generally just a shout out and immediately left. No saying goodbye and hovering for a half hour. No making the rounds to say goodbye to everyone at the party, including those they had yet to meet. Nope. A quick, "okay, we're leaving. bye." End of the story.

I on the other hand either would have made the rounds AND said goodbye, but lingered for 30 minutes more, getting into one or two more last conversations. I tried that, unconsciously, but since I was the last one there, it WAS probably a bit awkward.

AHHHH, the craziness of re-entry. I'm sure this is merely the first of many awkward, at least in feeling, stories.