Re-Entry Thought #5

Fall here comes early. Or where did my summer go? Or why are people asking me how my summer was? Isn't it still summer?

Yesterday I sat in on a meeting with the staff I will be working with this fall. At one point we were asked to answer the question, "How was your summer? Highs and lows..." What? My summer? Don't I have a month left? It is only early August, right? Oh, yes, August marks the fall in the states... It's Europe that has August as their vacation month, NOT the US.

I got back to the US early July and haven't really stopped since I got back. I haven't slept in the same house for more than a bit more than a week yet. I haven't yet gotten all my luggage and I definitely have neither had a vacation nor gotten settled yet. I will get settled, but this year there wasn't much time for my birthday and there definitely hasn't yet been time to catch my breathe. I'll be fine, but no I didn't really have a summer. Summer in Spain begins in mid-July and ends the end of September, here it begins in May and ends in early August. So, I got back here "early," meaning early July, but it's early August and I'm gearing up for my vacation, which would generally be in early September. Yes, there is some logic to my crazy emotions even if I definitely feel out of place and a little confused, many times for no seemingly logical reason. Ah, the joys of re-entry. And this doesn't even begin to address the fact that I keep on forgetting meals because it the timing is off, but that's another subject for another day.

Not Helpful

Recently I sat through a couple seminars on grief and how to walk with others through grief. Then yesterday I experienced exactly some of what they said NOT to do. I may not be in the depths of grief, as the result of a death or severe loss, but I am in the midst of the grief and transition of moving back to the US after six years abroad. Abroad is home, not here. My best friends, those in my daily life, and my "family" all live THERE not HERE. I am in transition and coming to grips with the loss of moving.

Well, yesterday I finally pinpointed one of my "fish out of water" moments and was able to pinpoint why. A girl told me how much she appreciated what I had shared about missing Spain and then proceeded to tell me that she understood exactly what I was going through. This summer she went overseas for a couple weeks and she missed her family a lot. I wanted to be sympathetic and appreciate her efforts to empathize, but... that is NOT HELPFUL. She may want to be empathetic, but she DOES NOT have any idea what I am going through. I don't want to bemoan my situation nor do I need to talk about it as much as I may do from time to time. YES, I do have some growth that need to take place. Life, even life right now, is NOT all about me. BUT... you don't understand reverse culture shock unless you've experienced it. And I'm sorry, but six years and a month are not the same. You may experience a glimpse of it after a month, but not really. It is NOT the same thing.

I need to remember this too, but one point I was brought back to from those grief seminars was that unless you've been through the same thing, it is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL to have someone say that they understand what you're going through. Some other examples people gave from the seminar were people who had lost a pet telling someone who had recently lost a parent that they understood what they were going through. BULL-POOP! And I think someone else likened someone's dealing with cancer by saying they understood because they too had just been really sick with the flu, or something like that. How would anyone thing that is helpful?

I know those are extreme examples, but even with something as seemingly benign as reverse culture shock, you just someone to listen, to say they're sorry, or to say, "you must be going through a lot right now" sympathetically, or honestly just saying nothing and not understanding is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better than saying they understand because they too have gone on vacation. Give me a break. I know this is a bit fuerte or critical, but just thought I'd process and share a bit. Thanks for listening.

Re-Entry Thought #4

A couple nights ago i was at a party and someone asked me how tall i was in spanish and i told him in feet and then said, "but i can't remember how many centimeters that is" (as if he'd even want to know). Oh, the joys of reverse culture shock.

change... transition... change...

Uf... I'm in major transition mode. And days like today it affects me more than others. God-willing my car will be sold in just a couple of days, but it's driving me nuts waiting and trusting. I not, I'll have to pay for insurance, since it runs out next monday.

Be still and know that I am God.

My best friend just got married last weekend and I feel like it's affecting me as much as it is here 7 year old daughter. I am VERY excited and happy for them, but it marks another change and the end of another season of life. Normally this wouldn't affect me, but right now it adds to the panic of leaving known, good things behind for a future very unknown but that I trust to be good, because it's been the Lord orchestrating the changes and the leaving...

Be still and know that I am God.

Then there is the fact that we're moving out of our apartment at the end of this month, ie in 21 days, and thus everything must be sold or given away or packed by that day... In some ways selling everything is freeing... In some ways it's surreal and strange. Right now in that department I'm just going through the motions and looking forward to the future.

Be still and know that I am God.

I actually am really excited about the changes and what the future holds. In fact I had a dream where I was at a party with a ton of people I know, and those I will meet. It was fun. And yet then reality struck a bit and I realized that I'm sad for all that I am leaving behind. Normal, I know, but that's where I am... in a whirlwind of change and transition... Some of it is fun and I'm looking forward to.. but at the same time I feel a bit overwhelmed, in great need of One to lead me, and yet having a hard time just resting in His provision and walking by faith.

Changes Come
words: Bergquist/Detweiler
music: Bergquist
recording: Ohio
artist: Over the Rhine

Changes come
Turn my world around

I have my father's hand
I have my mother's tongue
I look for redemption in everyone

I wanna wear your ring
I have a song to sing
It ain't over babe
In fact it's just begun

Changes come
Turn my world around
Changes come
Bring the whole thing down

I wanna have our baby
Somedays I think that maybe
This ol' world's too fucked up
For any firstborn son

There is all this untouched beauty
The light the dark both running through me
Is there still redemption for anyone

Jesus come
Turn the world around
Lay my burden down
Turn this world around
Bring the whole thing down
Bring it down

change, transition, sadness, yuck,...

So... I went running tonight after going to the gym and thought about several things, but one being that I am a bit down today. I'm primarily sad because everyone around me is sad, or so it seems, and that lately I've been seeing the cup as a little less full. One of my best friends here is moving next week, for good reasons (she's getting married soon), but I'm sad to see her go and also sad to see her in the midst of all the emotion of major life changes. I don't want her to go because I want to be there for her in the midst of these changes, not just there on the phone but PHYSICALLY there so she can come over or I can go over. And I want her to be there for me, to listen to me process, to listen to my griping, and to speak truth and wisdom to me, and to just be around. So, I'm sad. And because I'm sad I'm irritated with life and all the things that do normally do irritate me, but that I don't even hardly actually notice, they're more minor things.

The other thing I thought about is that I feel like I've been so negative and so half cup almost empty (or at least not just almost full). I like being a positive, generally happy, cheerful person who cheers others up. I like being that person. I don't like being one who tells you all the bad going on in life first. But right now with the people closest to me, the people by whom I feel listened to, really, and feel free to be a mess, I've been tending to tell all the negative of my day and all the negative of life first. I have a million and one great things happening and going on, so why do I spew the grossness out. I guess I want to be known. I guess I need people to "carry my burdens" right now, or just there to let me get things out and then somehow it's a whole lot better. Hmm... I guess it's just humanness. And I guess it's just where I am right now. Not to say that I'm really in a dark, dark cloud, just in a lightly grey one. I mean, I'm totally justifying myself unnecessarily, but I am there for those around me, I'm just not quite the cup almost full girl, I'm more the half full person. And I guess it doesn't help that I've been a little under the weather too.

Somehow it's Friday night and while part of me really wanted to go hang out with people, the other part of me wanted to just be alone, to watch Grey's Anatomy, listen to some good music, maybe journal or not think at all, to talk to some friends, but to be alone and to let myself be sad or confused or whatever it is that I'm feeling right now. So yeah, that's what I'm doing. It's so weird. Fortunate for me there were some incredible leftovers in the fridge from lunch - my roommate made some rice stuffed sea bass for a meeting we had here at lunchtime. Incredible doesn't fully do it justice. And some nice red wine goes alone quite nicely. And, yeah, somehow getting all this out helps. And somehow being alone in the midst of this to process, and yet not actually feeling alone at all, and having talked to some good friends but not about all this but that love me and somehow are also feeling a bit down, makes me feel a bit more happy. hmm... oh, and by the way, you've gotta love the Dark Was The Night: Red Hot Compilation. sooooo soooo soooo good.

Transition / Change Cycle

So, way back when I heard about the change cycle, what everyone normal goes through when there is big transition. My team here is all leaving over the next few months and most of them leave in 3-4 weeks. Crazy.

So today I was talking to Bekah, who is one of those leaving and also a good good friend (who is leaving because she's getting married). Anyway, she was looking through a copy of the change cycle and rightly diagnosed me in the second phase, where I am no longer avoiding the inevitable but where my emotions are a bit exaggerated and all I want is structure (something I generally don't need much of). There is more, but all that to say that I'm normal. Thank God. Recently I've noticed I feel like my emotions can be all over the place. Yes, the Lord reminds me of what is true and I eventually get back to normal, but in the meantime I freak out a bit, probably replaying and over-evaluating everything. I love understanding things, which doesn't justify my psycho behavior or mood swings, but puts things back into perspective and helps me to know what to expect and helps me to respond better. I'll have to find a copy of it and put it up for any others going through the craziness that is BIG change and transition.