re-entry thought #14 - window screens

Window screens...

I know perfectly well why American windows have them, but I don't particularly like them. Detest is a strong word, but that is the word I want to use. Yes, I like no bugs inside. But I would rather endure the bugs of Missouri to have an uninhibited breeze of fresh air and an uninhibited view of nature. I prefer the brilliant colors of reality, not covered over with a layer of gray to keep out the buggies.

Screens make the outdoor view blurry and somehow make me feel trapped inside. I know that I'm using quite a bit of hyperbole, which apparently I do often, but it's the way I feel. I wish we could go to euro-no-screen-windows and shuddered windows. That's my longing for my adopted home.

I do love that the library has a window with no screen, which I tend to sit by and on occasion open. Not the most profound of posts... just some random rambling and homesickness.

re-entry thought #13

I haven't been blogging much and I haven't had too many cultural moments as of late. But this past weekend as I went to get the ingredients for a goat-cheese cheesecake, I was hit by the fact that I am not in Europe. Cheese. Good goat cheese and creme fraiche. Expensive and virtually, or literally, impossible to find. At least in the suburbs... Extremely frustrating when there are at least 100 pseudo-fake-gross-processed cheeses and NO creme fraiche and goat cheese that is just okay, but twice or triple the price I would have paid in Spain.

Yes, I know... it's gourmet food here. But there it's just food, normal people, normal, everyday food. I am venting and complaining, but I miss it.

All in all the cheesecake turned out fine and was worth the extra money I spent on cheese, but I'll have to remember to drive into the city the next time I want some "fancy" euro-cheeses. Missing my adopted home... but still thankful for my time here.

Re-Entry Thought #9

Metro Madrid, oh how I miss you!

It's a true fact that the metro in Madrid, Spain, is one of the best in the world. It is impeccably clean, there are 14+ lines, it is inexpensive (about a dollar a ride), efficient (you generally only wait a couple minutes if you miss a train), and takes you nearly anywhere in the city and the outlying area (county) fairly quickly. And that doesn't even mention the extensive bus system and train system which go farther out the city to suburbs and to other cities. You can go ANYWHERE by just paying a few dollars.

Here in the US, on the other hand, there are only a few cities that I know of where there is anything even close to comparable. St. Louis is not one of those cities. Apparently back in the day it was, with an extensive system of trolleys. But that was long before my time, long before I was even born. Instead it is odd that one even could walk from one place to another. Usually the distances are larger and not made to be walked. You might have to cross a highway or something. And then if you were to try to hike across town you likely would look like a vagabond. Right now I live in the suburbs. I know that I am much more comfortable in the city. I like walking where I need to go. I like not having to drive. I like public transportation.

That being said, I do like driving, but am realizing that I miss all the walking and the ease of just walking down the street or up the street to catch a train to take me wherever I wanted to go, whenever I wanted. Or to walk around the corner for the grocery store, or just downstairs to go to the bank or bookstore or coffee shop. I could walk everywhere I needed in just a couple minutes. Not here. Not even close.

Metro Madrid, oh how I miss you...

Re-Entry Thought #7

Win! One win for me.

This morning I was in a staff meeting and actually gave some sound grammar advice. I even proved to amaze myself. And I found it more than a bit ironic that the girl who just got back to the US, who can hardly speak correct English herself is giving out English grammar advice. I did actually say that part out loud - "but then what do I know... I'm the girl who can hardly speak proper English herself."

Thought it was funny. And I'm totally proud that I can now speak English well enough to ONCE in awhile (probably very ONCE IN AWHILE) give out unsolicited English grammar advice. Ah, the joys of re-entry.

Not Helpful

Recently I sat through a couple seminars on grief and how to walk with others through grief. Then yesterday I experienced exactly some of what they said NOT to do. I may not be in the depths of grief, as the result of a death or severe loss, but I am in the midst of the grief and transition of moving back to the US after six years abroad. Abroad is home, not here. My best friends, those in my daily life, and my "family" all live THERE not HERE. I am in transition and coming to grips with the loss of moving.

Well, yesterday I finally pinpointed one of my "fish out of water" moments and was able to pinpoint why. A girl told me how much she appreciated what I had shared about missing Spain and then proceeded to tell me that she understood exactly what I was going through. This summer she went overseas for a couple weeks and she missed her family a lot. I wanted to be sympathetic and appreciate her efforts to empathize, but... that is NOT HELPFUL. She may want to be empathetic, but she DOES NOT have any idea what I am going through. I don't want to bemoan my situation nor do I need to talk about it as much as I may do from time to time. YES, I do have some growth that need to take place. Life, even life right now, is NOT all about me. BUT... you don't understand reverse culture shock unless you've experienced it. And I'm sorry, but six years and a month are not the same. You may experience a glimpse of it after a month, but not really. It is NOT the same thing.

I need to remember this too, but one point I was brought back to from those grief seminars was that unless you've been through the same thing, it is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL to have someone say that they understand what you're going through. Some other examples people gave from the seminar were people who had lost a pet telling someone who had recently lost a parent that they understood what they were going through. BULL-POOP! And I think someone else likened someone's dealing with cancer by saying they understood because they too had just been really sick with the flu, or something like that. How would anyone thing that is helpful?

I know those are extreme examples, but even with something as seemingly benign as reverse culture shock, you just someone to listen, to say they're sorry, or to say, "you must be going through a lot right now" sympathetically, or honestly just saying nothing and not understanding is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better than saying they understand because they too have gone on vacation. Give me a break. I know this is a bit fuerte or critical, but just thought I'd process and share a bit. Thanks for listening.

Re-Entry Thought #4

A couple nights ago i was at a party and someone asked me how tall i was in spanish and i told him in feet and then said, "but i can't remember how many centimeters that is" (as if he'd even want to know). Oh, the joys of reverse culture shock.

Re-Entry Thought #1

I went to some friends' double birthday party a few nights ago and as I left felt oddly awkward. Being in the process of reverse culture shock, or re-learning my own native culture, I wasn't surprised, but I was trying to figure out why. It occurred to me that two things had occurred that my cultural radar had picked up on.

(1) Americans go home early. It was 11:30pm and I was enjoying myself and expected the party to go on for at least 2-3 more hours with others staying late or heading out somewhere else. This is what would have happened in Spain. Not in the US. Around 11:30pm those remaining all left in about 2 seconds, which involved their quick goodbyes to the host. It felt abrupt and as if they had realized they had overstayed their welcome, which by the way I don't actually feel was the case. I offered to help, finished what I was saying to the hostess, and took off, feeling like I wished there was something else to go to. Yes, I'd get home at 12 or later, due to the drive home, but that's early for Spain for a night of hanging out with friends, and note NOT a late night. A late night, such as New Year's Eve would go at least to 7am. I'm no longer in Madrid.

(2) The other "strange" reality to my spanishized self happened a few times throughout the night. I had been talking to someone who got ready to leave, albeit someone I had just met and I felt VERY odd that they just walked off, sometimes without really saying goodbye. Or they did SAY goodbye, but there was no physical contact. No besitos, or spanish air kisses, no hug, no handshake, no nothing. Not that they did anything wrong, but in Spain things would have been done differently. So I found myself leaning toward them waiting for them to say goodbye, but instead they just took off.

Then there were those I hadn't met or to whom I hadn't been talking to right before I left, I always expected to receive besitos and for them to come over to say goodbye. It wasn't like we were a massive group, but alas NO. They said goodbye to the hosts, generally just a shout out and immediately left. No saying goodbye and hovering for a half hour. No making the rounds to say goodbye to everyone at the party, including those they had yet to meet. Nope. A quick, "okay, we're leaving. bye." End of the story.

I on the other hand either would have made the rounds AND said goodbye, but lingered for 30 minutes more, getting into one or two more last conversations. I tried that, unconsciously, but since I was the last one there, it WAS probably a bit awkward.

AHHHH, the craziness of re-entry. I'm sure this is merely the first of many awkward, at least in feeling, stories.

New Eyes

I got back to the US about a week ago and this time around will be here longer than normal, what in someways seems like an infinite amount. And I am VERY much in transition and culture shock. I generally experience all of this, but it's amplified greatly by the fact that I'll be here awhile longer than normal.

Thus I'm trying to see my "coming back" in the same way as I would if I were to go any new culture. I'm trying to observe and to "be open" instead of making quick judgment calls about nearly everything. And yet that's a hard thing to do when it comes to your own culture. By nature we as Americans feel the "right" to be as critical as we want of our own culture and right now nearly everything here that is "different" seems wrong and stupid to me. If it were the reverse I would say "oh, it's just different. i just don't understand how their culture works yet. I'm not from there so i have no right to be critical quite yet." And yet I am from here, so it's hard not to be critical despite the fact that I have change.

I've been so intentional about trying to understand and adapt to Spanish culture that I've forgotten some of how it is here. I guess it's normal, I've been here a week after 8 years in Spain.

I'll try not to be too critical of US culture, but I'm giving a disclaimer now: I'm in MAJOR transition, so I'm sorry if I'm critical. It's going to take me time to re-adapt.

Here are my somewhat harsh first observations (some which are always my thoughts when I return stateside):

I wish I could walk, take public transportation, instead of a car EVERYWHERE. St.Louis has ONE and a HALF metro lines and I've been told it is because we don't want the people from the city who would rob and increase crime in the suburbs to be able to easily get out here. (That seems INSANE. Seriously we believe that the city holds the "bad" people and the suburbs have the "good" people. That's a load of poop. And would they really get here more easily in public transportation. I'm guessing any real criminal can probably access or rob a car to get out here just as easily. And, unfortunately, I felt MUCH more safe in a big city in terms of walking at night alone. Yeah, maybe that was a European city, but maybe the problem is not city versus county.) And thus there are way too many cars and way too big of cars. Plus gas prices have skyrocketed. I knew this, but it's still a shock.

The food here (I know HUGE generalization) has no flavor to it. Huge portions are given and yet only sometimes is the food incredibly delicious. I know comparisons might not be good, but in comparison I could get food for half the cost and I almost always at INCREDIBLE food. And there I'm not exaggerating. Even grocery fruits and veggies lack flavor.

Cell phone prices are DOUBLE! No where else that I know of in the whole world pays for incoming calls and texts. To the best of my knowledge our prices are HUGE in comparison. For a technologically advanced country, this seems ironic. I guess if people are willing to pay... it probably isn't going to change.

Restaurant menus have MILLIONS of options that overwhelm me. I just need a few good options, not 100. Same with grocery stores. Okay, maybe I'd like more olive oil, olives, jamon serrano, queso manchego, but the grocery stores here are HUGE. At least two of my normal grocery store in Spain would fit in one here.

Too much noise!!!

Too many, "I'm sorry, did I come close to touching you or get a tiny bit too close." I'm so sick of hearing, "I'm sorry..." Physical touch is not bad. Brushing someone by accident is no big deal. Yeah, if you bump someone apologize, but the rest is too much.

Too many smiley, falsely happy people. This is probably a little critical and fully culture shock, but I get sick of the shiny-happy-people-holding-hands attitude. I like nice, kind people, but when they are genuine not fake. American culture is way more "polite" that what I'm used to, and it's driving me a bit batty.

Too much stuff.

Too little fashion sense.

Too COLD!!! Why am I freezing inside in July? I understand the need for AC, but couldn't we moderate that a bit?

And overpriced bad coffee... (Okay, I did go to a yummy NOT overpriced place this morning. But not the norm... or at least where I am right now.)

sensory overload

(note: preliminary thoughts about heading back to the states and "reverse culture shock" (going back to your mother country) which may seem strange, but is commonly understood to be much worse than that of going to a foreign country. this is the beginning, but i'll probably write more later...)

so, what for me is sensory overload is probably not the same as some. i live in a city of 5 million and am regularly jammed into a metro car where literally no one else can cram themselves in (because it's fully acceptable to physically cram yourself in - literally push your way in - to an already packed metro car, particularly during rush hour).

it's also not the quantity of people because there are a lot of places that i enjoy going that are cram packed with people. and i like to be there in part because of the shear quantity of people and the "life" there. now obviously i don't always enjoy that, but it is more the norm than the abnormal.

and, apparently, i read recently that the noise levels in madrid are not very healthy over the long-term. so, noise, which is nearly always present, isn't really what i'm talking about either.

what i am talking about is that sensory overload that i tend to experience when i return to the states. all the english just jumps out. i hear every conversation around me, word for work. i read every sign and every billboard without wanting to. i am amazed by all the english and read and hear everything. exhausting. and the reality is that there are advertisements absolutely everywhere.

the other thing that can overwhelm me a bit is the number of options. there are two sides to this, one, i enjoy the simplicity of having only a few options. usually for lunch, on campus or at a restaurant, you order the menu, which includes a first course plate, second course plate, a dessert, a drink and bread. you get one of each and there are at most 4 options for each. simple.

when you go to the grocery store, yes you have a whole aisle of olive oil to choose from and the same with types of jamon serrano, cheeses, olives and a few other things. and you have a fully stocked array of fresh fish to choose from. but the stores are much smaller to begin with. and there are only a few options for most things, not a bizillion. again... simplicity.

and i guess there is one more area of simplicity. it's just more normal to take time doing normal life things and to not use so many machines. for example, a 24-hour huge megagrocery store where everything exists is not that common, or at least not in walking distance from my house. also, i have a washer, but hang out my clothes to dry, as to most other people (probably 75-80%), no matter what social class you fall into. i don't have a dryer nor a dishwasher and food comes fresh (not prepackaged). while spaniards actually work an ungodly amount of hours (even by american standards), the pace of life is more relaxed.