re-entry thought #13

I haven't been blogging much and I haven't had too many cultural moments as of late. But this past weekend as I went to get the ingredients for a goat-cheese cheesecake, I was hit by the fact that I am not in Europe. Cheese. Good goat cheese and creme fraiche. Expensive and virtually, or literally, impossible to find. At least in the suburbs... Extremely frustrating when there are at least 100 pseudo-fake-gross-processed cheeses and NO creme fraiche and goat cheese that is just okay, but twice or triple the price I would have paid in Spain.

Yes, I know... it's gourmet food here. But there it's just food, normal people, normal, everyday food. I am venting and complaining, but I miss it.

All in all the cheesecake turned out fine and was worth the extra money I spent on cheese, but I'll have to remember to drive into the city the next time I want some "fancy" euro-cheeses. Missing my adopted home... but still thankful for my time here.

Why am I so worked up?

Unfortunately it seems that the holidays and family functions are often a mixture of joy and pain. This Thanksgiving was no different.

For the past few months, my parents and I have been coexisting in the same environment and interacting now and then. The reality is that there are a few unspoken tensions, some of which have been resolved, and some which have not. In writing all of this, I know that I too am with fault and have likely been particularly sensitive, which doesn't help my emotion behind all of this.

So, during our rushed Thanksgiving dinner, I mentioned the Lexicon I was making for my World Religion class, a glossary of the important terms from each major religious tradition. It's been a great class for growing in understanding and learning much about others. It hasn't changed what I believe, but it has changed how I relate to others and how I think of others in various religious traditions. I've read novels, listened to songs and stories, read some of their sacred texts, and discussed in detail the questions being asked by each. I've learned a lot and also realized that I have much to learn.

My mom is highly involved in an interfaith council and both of my parents view themselves as highly open, liberal Christians. Like myself, they highly value other cultures and learning, but they also would argue that all roads lead to god. I would not. While I enjoy learning and better understanding and while I love learning and better appreciating other religious and cultural traditions, I think that there is one mediator between God and man, Jesus Christ. I know this sounds exclusive and narrow, on one hand it is and on another it is not. I believe it is a path open to all who will believe and bow a knee to Christ. I also know that not all people will do this and that many follow other paths that are to either reach God or some universal all through sacrifice, good deeds, and ritual. While there are very good people who follow other religious traditions, I would argue that they don't reach to God. I can't reach God either unless I go through Christ and that is no work of my own.

And, yes, I do think it is right to be in discussion with others, to seek to understand. And yet a follower of Christ cannot deny that they desire all to come to know Him. If they did, they would be unloving. Yet this is the point at which most people take offense. And yet Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, and others would do the same. But that wouldn't be seen as narrow and offensive, it would be seen as being open-minded and culturally open. This is why I am frustrated. My dad wants me to acknowledge the Bible to be on par with other sacred texts and Christ to be ONE of the ways to God. My mom wants to merely talk about differences but to merely explore others' beliefs and yet not hold firmly to Christianity's core beliefs. That is not open, unbiased discussion. Not at all. Yet that is what I am told to do, leave my beliefs at the door, and embrace all. On one hand, I wholeheartedly agree and, on the other hand, I cannot. I do want to embrace all and I do want to learn and listen and understand. I don't want to bulldoze others over, I want to love and serve and pray and share my beliefs as they do. I will pray that they would come to Christ, but if they don't I won't shun or act unrightly toward them. That is why this bothers me. Have I acted unrightly toward people in the past of other beliefs? Am I unloving and one who bulldozes over others? No, I don't think I generally am. At times I may and, hopefully, I then generally ask for forgiveness. I am clearly emotional and upset and hurt. I want my example and attitude to be that of Christ in Philippians. Oh, I pray that it would be more and more like that. And I do pray that people would be changed by seeing Christ in me. Oh how I pray that would be true. I pray that people would not stumble as a result of my testimony, verbal or in action, but instead be confronted with the truth and love of Christ alone.

Both Thanksgiving and today, I realize that this is likely HIGHLY emotional for me and likely not so emotional for them. Their faith is not an essential part of everything they do. It is connected, but it isn't one of the first things they would say that characterizes their life. For me, it is. If I am not a good representation of Christ, that is tragic. Yes, God will and can change me, but it is the reputation and reflection of my God and Savior and King, that is marred by my sin, a reputation and a reflection that I long to be crystal clear to those on-looking. He is my all. He is my life. He is my Lord. I want all I do and say and am to glorify Him and reflect Him. That is why this is so personal. It's not really about me being right or wrong; it's about Him.

Having said all this, I do love and think the world of my parents. I'm grateful to have time with them, I just wish it weren't a mix of joy and pain.

Not Helpful

Recently I sat through a couple seminars on grief and how to walk with others through grief. Then yesterday I experienced exactly some of what they said NOT to do. I may not be in the depths of grief, as the result of a death or severe loss, but I am in the midst of the grief and transition of moving back to the US after six years abroad. Abroad is home, not here. My best friends, those in my daily life, and my "family" all live THERE not HERE. I am in transition and coming to grips with the loss of moving.

Well, yesterday I finally pinpointed one of my "fish out of water" moments and was able to pinpoint why. A girl told me how much she appreciated what I had shared about missing Spain and then proceeded to tell me that she understood exactly what I was going through. This summer she went overseas for a couple weeks and she missed her family a lot. I wanted to be sympathetic and appreciate her efforts to empathize, but... that is NOT HELPFUL. She may want to be empathetic, but she DOES NOT have any idea what I am going through. I don't want to bemoan my situation nor do I need to talk about it as much as I may do from time to time. YES, I do have some growth that need to take place. Life, even life right now, is NOT all about me. BUT... you don't understand reverse culture shock unless you've experienced it. And I'm sorry, but six years and a month are not the same. You may experience a glimpse of it after a month, but not really. It is NOT the same thing.

I need to remember this too, but one point I was brought back to from those grief seminars was that unless you've been through the same thing, it is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL to have someone say that they understand what you're going through. Some other examples people gave from the seminar were people who had lost a pet telling someone who had recently lost a parent that they understood what they were going through. BULL-POOP! And I think someone else likened someone's dealing with cancer by saying they understood because they too had just been really sick with the flu, or something like that. How would anyone thing that is helpful?

I know those are extreme examples, but even with something as seemingly benign as reverse culture shock, you just someone to listen, to say they're sorry, or to say, "you must be going through a lot right now" sympathetically, or honestly just saying nothing and not understanding is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better than saying they understand because they too have gone on vacation. Give me a break. I know this is a bit fuerte or critical, but just thought I'd process and share a bit. Thanks for listening.

Re-Entry Thought #4

A couple nights ago i was at a party and someone asked me how tall i was in spanish and i told him in feet and then said, "but i can't remember how many centimeters that is" (as if he'd even want to know). Oh, the joys of reverse culture shock.

a plethera of emotions

so... over the past few days i've gone through euphoric denial where everything is horrible but was "for the best," "actually a blessing in disguise," "not really as bad as i thought," etc.,... all that may actually be true, but i was not at all in reality, it was pure denial. then came the sadness & tears, many tears, and the feeling that it wasn't fair, AT ALL. that i didn't understand, i was completely confused, taken by surprise, side-swiped, frustrated, sad, not sure what to do, unable to sleep or eat and almost unable to stop thinking about it other than the fact that that drove me nuts. so my only option, and a good one at that, was to go to the arms of the One who truly love me, fully without limit, the One who rescues me, is oh so tender, oh so kind, oh so gentle, and yet awesome and powerful. and He blew me away. while the past few days have been filled with many tears, the Lord has met me right where I am and is teaching me to trust him even in this.

I need to blog some of my thoughts and reflections, but the past three days a friend and I have been enjoying the calming air and having NOTHING to do except relax and hanging out on Mallorca, one of the Spanish Balearic Islands. During this time I realized how much I need to make sure I have more time than I've had the past few months to just BE. Time to read, time to hang out, time to watch tv or to be around while others do, time to sleep or just wander,... time.

fear of the unknown

waiting... can be a very hard thing, particularly when you don't know exactly why you are waiting, nor for what, nor what happened to cause you to be in the place you are. waiting... is much easier when what you know you are waiting for is good and that you have the assurance that it will come. i guess waiting involves faith. faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the certainty of things unseen (or not yet seen).

generally i am a positive person. generally i am a person full of hope and who almost too quickly gets excited of what could be... of the future... of hopes & dreams...

yet right now i am in the dark. i may be making way too much of the situation, but i am waiting for a friend to call me back, my best friend in spain. i have no idea what has happened, if it is just her being busy, if it is just that but it has been long enough and i have made enough effort that it seems like something must be wrong, either something in her life or something i did unknowingly or didn't do that offended her... i have no idea whatsoever. if she were not my best friend, i wouldn't make much of it. if she were a guy i liked, again i wouldn't make as much of it. it happens... but i am finding that i really need and want to talk with her. there is so much going on that i want to tell her about and so much i want to ask her about. and yet i am waiting... i'm not quite sure why nor for how long nor what the outcome will be. i don't know if i'm just making a bigger deal of this than it is... i have no information. i know she is alive and well and recently moved, but that is it... and i am finding that it is hard to not obsess about this and it is easy to be very sad about it all. i can't imagine living in madrid without my best friend. sorry if this sounds melodramatic, but i am definitely a but unsure what to do other than to wait... and pray... and to trust that God will work on my behalf and on hers and that His good will will be done... that whatever has happened or not happened will be resolved... and that things will go back to normal. or... i guess it that doesn't happen, that the Lord will be faithful to provide (as He always has been) for me.

let me just say that this is all very sad. i mean, really... okay, i really don't know what has happened and it might actually be nothing, so i need not jump to conclusions until i actually have real information. you can pray for me in this. and pray that if there has been a misunderstanding that it will be cleared up. i am just completely confused and taken back. and really hoping that i'm just making more of the situation than it actually is. i'm hoping that in reality she is just busy and i am making it into something much bigger than it is.