hmm... right now i'm actually in a great mood, so this actually has nothing to do with my present emotions.
recently weddings and babies have been on my mind quite frequently, in fact more frequently than i wish. it seems like everyone and their brother is having babies and getting married this year. since september i've been to two weddings, i have another one in just a week, and a girl who is also in madrid working with me is getting married next summer. as for babies, most of my friends now have at least 2 kids. fortunately, for my sake, there are still a couple other single friends around, but the list keeps on shrinking.
the girl in madrid who is getting married is the one whose wedding somehow affects me more than any other one has in a very long time. she came here last january on staff, this summer met her fiancé, and a month later they were engaged. while i know it isn't true, i feel like it's unfair, that somehow i've put in my time and deserve it more. (obviously, it's not something you "deserve" or "don't deserve," nor something that comes to you when you've earned it, but that is on an emotional level how i feel about it. i mean I want to get married and have kids too. when is it MY turn? that is again my emotions speaking, not my brain.)
then there have been several thoughtless things that people have said. i think it was primarily to poke fun at us (not thinking that it could come across as being hurtful), but a married guy at our meetings this weekend said (again i think in jest) that we just need to seduce a man; that that is the secret of who gets a guy and who doesn't. he said that is obviously an art, as the man needs to think he is doing the work, but he needs to first be enticed. he said it has nothing to do with looks or what a girl is actually like, but all about physical attraction and the girl pursuing the guy. while i think a girl obviously can't go hide inside a burlap bag, i strongly disagree. but then again i'm the one who is single. this guy's remarks infuriated me and at the same time made me feel hurt, as if he was saying that it's my own fault that i'm single. and made me want to survey all the guys i've ever liked and ask them why either nothing ever happened or it didn't work out. is it my fault? i think the answer is no. no, i haven't done things perfectly, but i also think that some of the relationships which haven't worked out have had little to nothing to do with me. honestly i think that we weren't the right two people to go together and/or the guy had no idea what he wanted (and sometimes i didn't either). the fact that most of the guys i'm talking about are still single too seems to support my point. (and they've definitely had some women pursue them or clearly express their interest in them.)
well today is a new day. on one hand i have no idea what to do with all this stuff. and on the other hand, while i would love to have someone to wake up to, to be with me through moves, through think and thin, to have a family with, to make decisions with, and i'd love to hold a little baby in my arms that is mine, i one trust that someday that may happen and on the other hand know that it will be okay if it doesn't, that the Lord will meet me in whatever situation i may find myself. He will give me the grace and strength i need for each day. for i know, despite my emotions at times, that i have a God who walks with me, who is my help and the one who cares for me and loves me and who is with me through the ebs and flows of life. my God loves me and chooses to bless me and protect and provide for me apart from what i deserve or "earn." that is so nice to know.
The good of this day filled with strong and not so comfortable emotions, is that I actually can identify what I feel and part of why without prejudging nor suppressing them. That is good. Now it's just a matter of processing through it, so that I can hear truth and experience growth and healing. Oh, emotions.
I don't generally think of myself as an anxious person. Most of the time I am not easily freaked out. Yet recently I've been delving into my reactions and relationships with my family and have noticed how anxious I can get. I get anxious when I expect someone to criticize me or find fault with me, particularly when I don't actually think I did anything wrong. I don't feel that way about just anyone, but only about those people whose opinion and approval I want and dare I say feel that I "need." So, in other words, family and those who I most want to approve me.
So... maybe this is food for thought in and of itself... but it seems that when i am exhausted, which is almost every Friday and at some point during the weekend and such, i find myself in a fog of emotions... which is also when i find the need to process, think, write,... not necessarily when i want to talk (or at least not just with anyone) and also when i am more sensitive, defensive, etc., thus... i should learn to NOT schedule a ton on my Fridays and times where i am exhausted.
I am not one who tends to read through old journals much. But that's exactly what I've been doing, reading through the journal I wrote in the past six months or so and I just skimmed through my blog over the past year. It's been good to REMEMBER and to be reminded of who God's been to me, who He is, and who He will continue to be. It's been good to be REMINDED of His promises, steadfastness and faithfulness, of Him being the giver of good gifts, the one who satisfies our desires, thoughts, needs,.... It's been good to both gain PERSPECTIVE and to help me to TRUST and walk by faith. 
so... over the past few days i've gone through euphoric denial where everything is horrible but was "for the best," "actually a blessing in disguise," "not really as bad as i thought," etc.,... all that may actually be true, but i was not at all in reality, it was pure denial. then came the sadness & tears, many tears, and the feeling that it wasn't fair, AT ALL. that i didn't understand, i was completely confused, taken by surprise, side-swiped, frustrated, sad, not sure what to do, unable to sleep or eat and almost unable to stop thinking about it other than the fact that that drove me nuts. so my only option, and a good one at that, was to go to the arms of the One who truly love me, fully without limit, the One who rescues me, is oh so tender, oh so kind, oh so gentle, and yet awesome and powerful. and He blew me away. while the past few days have been filled with many tears, the Lord has met me right where I am and is teaching me to trust him even in this.
i am fully aware of the fact that at times i make no sense. today i was in a horrible mood for the latter part of the day for NO reason whatsoever (other than purely hormonal, which is actually nice to know). the day started off great and nothing today happened that changed that reality. in fact, life in general is good. yet i realized i was extremely irritated by the smallest and stupidest of things. I could list the reasons, but there is no sense in it. so, i went to the gym. fortunately today was cardio day, so i did weights with various aerobic stuff in between. it was a good, or better great, workout. in fact, it gave me enough motivation to then go for a run, which was the best idea yet! it was raining lightly and somehow it just put me in the giddiest of moods. it was dark, so only the lights around the track through this park i go to were lit. my eyes were half closed due to the rain that continued to come down. and somehow most of the runners were dressed in blue coats of various shades. strange.
i got there, passed a few guys, which of course made me feel great. (and made me then run harder, so they wouldn't turn around to pass me - since a girl had just passed them, which honestly at times seems their motivation.) i was running alright and kept on convincing myself to go just a little longer, either with the motivation of "you can at least make it to the next turn", "you can at least make it to the end of this lap", "at least pass the guy up ahead in the blue jacket before you finish", or "if the blue jacket guy (a different one) up ahead keeps going then you have to too." and the fact that there were so many blue men, both made me laugh and somehow who ever i decided to pace myself with or pass magically would disappear. go figure. i know this whole dialogue is funny, but it works. i am definitely both competitive and motivated by little things. in fact, as i was running, i was thinking how silly i am - that some light rain, and the fact that i was running in the rain on what was progressively becoming a more and more beautiful night, was making me so happy when not that much before i was rationalizing with myself why it made no sense that i was in a bad mood.
later i got home, changed, grabbed some money and went to get some food for dinner at the grocery store, and put some music on. i originally put some dance music on and electronic stuff, but somehow while i was talking to my roommate it changed to death cab for cutie, which i LOVE. and which i had forgotten how much i love and how happy it too can make me. go figure. i have no clue. again, i know that at times i can be fairly illogical. but sometimes the little things - rain, a good workout, some great music - can make all the difference.
hmm... right now i'm actually in a great mood, so this actually has nothing to do with my present emotions. 
I just started my period today, which always in some ways is nice, as it gives some logic to my strange emotions the couple days before and this time to why i had an enormous appetite yesterday. The downside is the rush of emotions i felt today - longing to be married and have kids, a little overwhelmed with my to do list, frustrated at the world for no reason, feeling needy and unheard and uncared for, and just in an all around bad mood.