So... maybe this is food for thought in and of itself... but it seems that when i am exhausted, which is almost every Friday and at some point during the weekend and such, i find myself in a fog of emotions... which is also when i find the need to process, think, write,... not necessarily when i want to talk (or at least not just with anyone) and also when i am more sensitive, defensive, etc., thus... i should learn to NOT schedule a ton on my Fridays and times where i am exhausted.Today I had a few appointments and I realized in the midst of one that I was a little defensive. I was being transparent, honest about where I am, probably painting a little more melancholy picture than is fully accurate (again, bc i was tired but also because i tend to tell you how i feel NOW specifically not generally) and was told that I just needed to focus on the positive and try to be happy. What! Not what I wanted or needed to hear. Yes, I'm happy. No, I'm not depressed or anything of the like. Yes, I have a million emotions floating around BUT I don't actually think that is bad. I actually think it's good. So... when I was told to be happy and not worry about the sad, I was a little defensive and said that I didn't think it was a bad thing to process and to be sad, as long as I didn't bemoan my present reality and just stay there forever. (Which I don't actually think I'm doing.) I also said that I thought it was actually refreshing and good to be embracing my negative, or sad emotions, instead of just trying to "perk myself up." It's definitely caused me to run to the Lord and He hasn't been telling me to just "snap out of it." No, again, I can't just spend my whole day down. I have to live and be present and all that. BUT it's okay to have my moments and to not be falsely happy when I'm not.
So, yeah, that's a little bit of ranting... but emotions aren't bad. If I were to allow them to control me and monopolize all my time, yes, that would be bad. But while I may not like this valley that I'm in and may not fully understand why I'm here, the Lord is so near, sweet, and hasn't at all left me alone. I guess the blessing and what I needed from this time with my apt, was to realize that I am OKAY right where I am. And that in a strange way I AM happy and thankful for this valley. It may be a valley that seems like the valley of the shadow of death. But in that valley, I've seen & felt my Mighty and Good Shepherd all the nearer and the body of Christ all the more dear and necessary. So... I am thankful for that which I want and that which I don't. It's true that the LORD does work ALL things to the good of those who love Him, to those called according to His purposes. Glory to God. I may not understand but then again I don't need to. He is God and I am not. It may be hard for me to walk without sight, but then again I did ask for him to teach me how to walk by faith and how NOT to have to be in control. I guess that's what I'm learning, how to walk without sight but trusting HIM and HIM ALONE to lead me.
