broken pots revisited

Tonight I was reminded of the light that shines forth from brokenness. We're not meant to be perfect now. Our brokenness is reality and good. Our put-togetherness is sometimes the precise thing which needs to be broken. I write these words and yet am highly aware that I only know a tiny bit of what they mean. O Lord, break me and make me, mold me as you see fit. Take the broken cisterns and the things I so easily cling to in place of you and restore my need and dependence on you alone.

emotions...

The good of this day filled with strong and not so comfortable emotions, is that I actually can identify what I feel and part of why without prejudging nor suppressing them. That is good. Now it's just a matter of processing through it, so that I can hear truth and experience growth and healing. Oh, emotions.

jealousy...

I guess it goes way back... both in me and in the world. Jealousy. No, not something I'm proud of... but, yes, it's the third major emotion I've felt today.

It's my dad's bday and my sister and her beau are in town. I've felt major insecurity and thus a bit on edge. I've felt trapped. And I feel jealousy mixed with insecurity. Even though I am in my thirties, I still want my dad to love me. And I still am afraid that he (and everyone else for that matter) likes my little sister better than me. It seems completely idiotic. But it is the way I feel. It is the predominant emotion right now. And somehow these crazy emotions are getting in the way of being as productive as normal. Yet, it is good to get to some of the root, so that hopefully I can figure out what idols are there and then see that God really is sufficient to meet the need I seek to meet elsewhere. And to believe again that Christ died and rose again for exactly this reason, for me and for us.

I am extremely grateful that the Gospel is true. I am extremely grateful that I can rest in knowing that I belong to Jesus. He has paid my way and given me his righteousness in exchange. So, if I'm a mess, I can run to him. I don't have to try to pretend it's really not that bad. Because it actually is way worse than I thought... and is way worse than I even know...

So my little chain of confessions is not to say "i'm a mess and will never change" but rather to say "Jesus, oh how I need you. Make me more like you. Rescue me. And thank you for loving me... knowing full well that this is just the surface of the wretchedness in me."

re-entry thought #14 - ahhh!!!

I guess it's normal, BUT I'm realizing that I'm not a huge fan of reverse culture shock. But then who would be. What I dislike is that every new thing I do, seems that much stranger... I suppose that can be true when you go to a new culture, you just don't expect it to be true of the place you were born.

Most recent strange place was the movie theater. I'd been to one movie this summer. But for some reason, I guess since it was only the second and the last was in August, it felt very strange. Popcorn was crazy expensive, the way you went about doing things was different. I don't know what was so weird. But it did feel weird. That and the fact that I didn't really know anyone well who I went to see this film with. I was thankful for the one person I did kind of know... Why am I like this all of a sudden? So insecure. That seems odd, unnormal, uncharacteristically me,... or that is what I thought...

Missing the sweets of Easter in Spain - Rosquillas... Torrijas...

feeling trapped...

Analyzing my emotions right now... I have a huge knot in my stomach, my body is tight, i feel anxious, and a bit fearful of being trapped.

So, what exactly do I fear? I fear being put down, being made feel like crap,... I don't understand. Why do I fear being trapped? I fear not being able to do what I want. I do fear feeling invisible and manipulated, yet without a voice, or only a voice that is defensive and reactionary... Really? This is how I feel? That is crazy.

I think the trapped part comes from feeling that I can't say anything. I just have to go with the flow and not have an opinion. If I do, I'll be told that I am self-centered, difficult, complicated, and that everyone else wants to do whatever it is. I will feel like an outsider, out of place, clumsy, un-cool,... and trapped, unable to be me, unable to talk about what I enjoy, unable to give my opinion,... for fear of stepping on someone else's toes, for fear of being hurt, for fear of being misconstrued. Yuck. No wonder I wanted to go far away... No wonder I was getting anxious... Yuck. There's definitely a bunch here to process...

why am i so anxious?

I don't generally think of myself as an anxious person. Most of the time I am not easily freaked out. Yet recently I've been delving into my reactions and relationships with my family and have noticed how anxious I can get. I get anxious when I expect someone to criticize me or find fault with me, particularly when I don't actually think I did anything wrong. I don't feel that way about just anyone, but only about those people whose opinion and approval I want and dare I say feel that I "need." So, in other words, family and those who I most want to approve me.

So, that's easy enough to identify. But then my seemingly irrational reactions, are the crazy part. When I am anxious, I am more on edge and more quick to strike back. When I am anxious, I am more defensive and more easily hurt, ironically. This mixture is disaster ready to happen.

And maybe I'm the only one who responds this way. I doubt it. Yet this is hopefully a place I will continue to grow, heal, and react better... I hope.