jealousy...

I guess it goes way back... both in me and in the world. Jealousy. No, not something I'm proud of... but, yes, it's the third major emotion I've felt today.

It's my dad's bday and my sister and her beau are in town. I've felt major insecurity and thus a bit on edge. I've felt trapped. And I feel jealousy mixed with insecurity. Even though I am in my thirties, I still want my dad to love me. And I still am afraid that he (and everyone else for that matter) likes my little sister better than me. It seems completely idiotic. But it is the way I feel. It is the predominant emotion right now. And somehow these crazy emotions are getting in the way of being as productive as normal. Yet, it is good to get to some of the root, so that hopefully I can figure out what idols are there and then see that God really is sufficient to meet the need I seek to meet elsewhere. And to believe again that Christ died and rose again for exactly this reason, for me and for us.

I am extremely grateful that the Gospel is true. I am extremely grateful that I can rest in knowing that I belong to Jesus. He has paid my way and given me his righteousness in exchange. So, if I'm a mess, I can run to him. I don't have to try to pretend it's really not that bad. Because it actually is way worse than I thought... and is way worse than I even know...

So my little chain of confessions is not to say "i'm a mess and will never change" but rather to say "Jesus, oh how I need you. Make me more like you. Rescue me. And thank you for loving me... knowing full well that this is just the surface of the wretchedness in me."