Salmo 63

¡Dios mío, tú eres mi Dios!
Con ansias te busco,
pues tengo sed de ti;
mi ser entero te desea
cual tierra árida, sin agua, sin vida.
¡Quiero verte en tu santuario
y contemplar tu poder y tu gloria,
pues tu amor vale más que la vida!
Con mis labios te alabaré;
toda mi vida te bendeciré
y a ti levantaré mis manos en oración.

a simple prayer

Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly,

Thou has brought me to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

frustrated!!!!

Missing home...

book lists - fall 2011

Here are some of the books I've read this past semester... i.e. Fall 2011 (there are some missing from the list, but there are all the ones that just came to mind)

The Help
Christian Spirituality - ed. Donald Alexander
The Healing Path - Dan Allander
Anatomy of the Soul
Perfecting Ourselves to Death - Richard Winter
Creation Regained
Strategic Pastoral Counseling - David G. Benner
The Pastor's Guide to Psychological Disorders and Treatments - Johnson & Johnson
The Call - Os Guinness
Transforming Grace - Jerry Bridges
Children of the Living God - Sinclair Ferguson
God Needs No Passport - Peggy Levitt
The Qur'an
A New Testament Greek Primer - Baugh
The Epic of Eden - Sandra Richter
The Spring Wind - Gladis DePree
Things Fall Apart
Words of Life - Timothy Ward
Creation Regained - Albert Wolters
He Gave Us Stories - Richard Pratt
Far As The Curse Is Found - Michael Williams
Proper Confidence - Lesslie Newbigin
Bible - Isaiah
Heart of Evangelism - Jerram Barrs
Learning Evangelism from Jesus - Jerram Barrs
Jesus + Nothing = Everythingre

walls...

Over the past few weeks I've been thinking a lot about walls, specifically walls I put up out of self-protection, walls around my heart.

I tend to pride myself on being open and fairly transparent. YET I am coming to realize that at the sight of anyone being unsafe or uninterested I put up walls and leave them up until the subject is broached or they re-prove themselves to be safe and wanting to hear about my life. I'm not talking about strangers here, I'm talking about friends. I test the ground to see if it will hold and if there is any doubt, up come the walls. There are exceptions to the rule. Exceptions generally include people who need me, who thus can't really hurt me.

This may sound like pure craziness, but it is one of my broken cisterns I run to... self-protection. Unfortunately I have become quite resourceful and efficient in protecting myself from harm. I like not being sensitive nor getting hurt (and some of the walls are wise). YET it also prevents me from fully embracing life and friends.

Today a friend and I talked through a bit of our walls and some the broken places in our story, when we began to build the walls and when we do so. It was refreshing and freeing. She is a good friend who I value and care about, but with whom my walls have gone up. Ironically I think we've both done the same. I actually care what she thinks, so there is more risk. Yet somehow just talking and sharing our wounds and fears and sharing some real things going on has brought the wall back down, at least for now. It feels nice. And yet ironically it makes me long for deeper relationship. It makes me desire a husband and ultimately the intimacy that we won't experience fully until things are put to right. It also makes me miss my Spain and my dear friends who are so far away. Yet I would much rather feel life than have my senses numbed.

book review - heart of evangelism

The Heart of Evangelism masterfully weaves together a balance of Scripture, life experience, and practical instruction. Barrs spurs personal life reflection, gently counters misconceptions within the church about evangelism, and sets forth a philosophy of evangelism. Honestly, it is the most complete and balanced book on evangelism I’ve ever read. Not only did it enrich my biblical framework for evangelism, but the Lord also used it to stop me again and again to reflect and examine my own life and heart. I wish I had read this book long ago.

There is much I could write in the way of application, yet a few points were particularly poignant to me. The other day I walked out of class infuriated about what I thought to be a misrepresentation of facts about Christianity in Europe, a place I love dearly. I was indignant both with the ignorance and the lack of action on the part of the church. As I began to journal and pour out my heart to the Lord, I found myself both questioning God’s judgment and also acting as if God wasn’t doing enough, in Barrs’ words, that he was “reluctant” in bringing people, specifically my parents, siblings, and Spanish friends, to faith. I found myself sitting in the first couple sessions of “Apologetics & Outreach” both with a broken heart for my family and friends and frustration toward the church for not acting and doing as I think it should. There was righteous anger and some valid concerns, but I was also acting out of self-idolatry. I was fearful that God wouldn’t do what I thought was right in the world and in the lives of those around me. It is thinking that my ways are better than God’s. It is forgetting who He is and how He has acted in history and in my own life.

In The Heart of Evangelism Barrs gently reminded me: “we become discouraged easily… But God is big enough to cope with the whole world, for He is infinite in His knowledge, His power, and His love… He can handle the big picture…” (47-48) He also corrected me by stating, “The impression we sometimes give with such questions is that we care more about people than God does, that we would do anything to make sure lost people are saved, whereas God is too laid-back about the whole problem of the destiny of unbelievers. It is as if we think we are eager to save people, but God is reluctant. But is it true that God is the one who is reluctant to reach people with the good news of Christ’s salvation?” (83). Through Jerram’s portraits of individuals in the Bible coming to faith, I was reminded again, “that God’s arm is not so short as to save,” and the profound implications of Christ’s incarnation, life, death, and resurrection. I was also reminded of my own shortcomings in caring for others. God is neither reluctant nor impotent. Christ is seated in heaven and actively present in the world and lives of today.

There is much more I could write about the way the Lord has used this book to cut to the heart of the matter in my life. Barrs articulated in 278 pages many of the things I’ve learned from ministering overseas in a very post-modern culture. Yet he did so in a way that was gentle, challenging, highly accessible, and practical. Again, it is a book I will pass on again and again.

broken pots

Tonight I was reminded of the light that shines forth from brokenness. We're not meant to be perfect now. Our brokenness is reality and good. Our put-togetherness is sometimes the precise thing which needs to be broken. I write these words and yet am highly aware that I only know a tiny bit of what they mean. O Lord, break me and make me, mold me as you see fit. Take the broken cisterns and the things I so easily cling to in place of you and restore my need and dependence on you alone.

re-entry thought #13

I haven't been blogging much and I haven't had too many cultural moments as of late. But this past weekend as I went to get the ingredients for a goat-cheese cheesecake, I was hit by the fact that I am not in Europe. Cheese. Good goat cheese and creme fraiche. Expensive and virtually, or literally, impossible to find. At least in the suburbs... Extremely frustrating when there are at least 100 pseudo-fake-gross-processed cheeses and NO creme fraiche and goat cheese that is just okay, but twice or triple the price I would have paid in Spain.

Yes, I know... it's gourmet food here. But there it's just food, normal people, normal, everyday food. I am venting and complaining, but I miss it.

All in all the cheesecake turned out fine and was worth the extra money I spent on cheese, but I'll have to remember to drive into the city the next time I want some "fancy" euro-cheeses. Missing my adopted home... but still thankful for my time here.

honesty confessions...

tonight as i sat with a friend and talked about some of the deeper heart issues of life like loneliness, longing, emotions, walls we put up, grace, the gospel,... I was reminded how much i need the body of Christ and a tiny bit of what that means. I was also reminded at how good I am at hiding sometimes... and the walls i so easily build around me out of self protection. yuck. thank you, friend.