singleness, babies, weddings, longings,...

hmm... right now i'm actually in a great mood, so this actually has nothing to do with my present emotions.

recently weddings and babies have been on my mind quite frequently, in fact more frequently than i wish. it seems like everyone and their brother is having babies and getting married this year. since september i've been to two weddings, i have another one in just a week, and a girl who is also in madrid working with me is getting married next summer. as for babies, most of my friends now have at least 2 kids. fortunately, for my sake, there are still a couple other single friends around, but the list keeps on shrinking.

the girl in madrid who is getting married is the one whose wedding somehow affects me more than any other one has in a very long time. she came here last january on staff, this summer met her fiancé, and a month later they were engaged. while i know it isn't true, i feel like it's unfair, that somehow i've put in my time and deserve it more. (obviously, it's not something you "deserve" or "don't deserve," nor something that comes to you when you've earned it, but that is on an emotional level how i feel about it. i mean I want to get married and have kids too. when is it MY turn? that is again my emotions speaking, not my brain.)

then there have been several thoughtless things that people have said. i think it was primarily to poke fun at us (not thinking that it could come across as being hurtful), but a married guy at our meetings this weekend said (again i think in jest) that we just need to seduce a man; that that is the secret of who gets a guy and who doesn't. he said that is obviously an art, as the man needs to think he is doing the work, but he needs to first be enticed. he said it has nothing to do with looks or what a girl is actually like, but all about physical attraction and the girl pursuing the guy. while i think a girl obviously can't go hide inside a burlap bag, i strongly disagree. but then again i'm the one who is single. this guy's remarks infuriated me and at the same time made me feel hurt, as if he was saying that it's my own fault that i'm single. and made me want to survey all the guys i've ever liked and ask them why either nothing ever happened or it didn't work out. is it my fault? i think the answer is no. no, i haven't done things perfectly, but i also think that some of the relationships which haven't worked out have had little to nothing to do with me. honestly i think that we weren't the right two people to go together and/or the guy had no idea what he wanted (and sometimes i didn't either). the fact that most of the guys i'm talking about are still single too seems to support my point. (and they've definitely had some women pursue them or clearly express their interest in them.)

well today is a new day. on one hand i have no idea what to do with all this stuff. and on the other hand, while i would love to have someone to wake up to, to be with me through moves, through think and thin, to have a family with, to make decisions with, and i'd love to hold a little baby in my arms that is mine, i one trust that someday that may happen and on the other hand know that it will be okay if it doesn't, that the Lord will meet me in whatever situation i may find myself. He will give me the grace and strength i need for each day. for i know, despite my emotions at times, that i have a God who walks with me, who is my help and the one who cares for me and loves me and who is with me through the ebs and flows of life. my God loves me and chooses to bless me and protect and provide for me apart from what i deserve or "earn." that is so nice to know.

la aventura de ser una single

"I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord - death can't and life can't, the angels can't and the demons can't, our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell, whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation." Romans 8:38-39

Yesterday I met with a pastor from a suburb of Madrid to talk about the youth group at his church and how I could lend them a hand and also to just catch up a bit after the summer. We talked about that and then he asked (as it seems has come up quite frequently in conversations with married couples) if I was single by choice or why.

I guess the positive side is that there is not a screamingly obvious reason why I haven't found the right guy. And, as is also been true quite frequently as of late (I think several times this past week), he asked if I was closed to the idea of people helping. I said no but that I also was both content where I am and desirous of being married and having kids (if it's God's will and in His timing to the right guy, of course). He then said that I had a hard road - that I had chosen the hard road, with its benefits of course, but not without its troubles. I appreciated his sympathizing and even affirming my chosen road to live as a missionary in a foreign land. But he also was right - choosing to follow Jesus doesn't mean the road will necessarily be easy, in fact often that isn't the case. But I wouldn't change roads, even if that is the case. The benefits of following Christ FAR out way the cost, both in this life and in the next. And while I do desire to marry, the Lord is fully sufficient. He does without fail provide, protect, encourage, sustain,...

I just read this on a friend of a friend's blog and thought it was worth repeating. It's actually from Rob Bell's book Sex God, which is a great book, by the way.

"You don’t need a man by your side to validate you as a woman. You already are loved and valued. You’re good enough exactly as you are. Do you believe this? Because it’s true. You have limitless worth and value. If you embrace this truth, it will affect every area of your life, especially your relationship with men.

You are worth dying for.

Your worth does not come from your body, your mind, your work, what you produce, what you put out, how much money you make. Your worth does not come from whether or not you have a man. Your worth does not come from whether or not men notice you. You have inestimable worth that comes from your Creator.

You will continue to be tempted in a thousand different ways not to believe this. This temptation will be to go searching for your worth and validity from places other than your Creator.

Especially from men.

But you don’t have to give yourself away to earn a man’s love. You’re better than that. You’re already loved.

When you give too much of yourself away too quickly, when you show too much skin, you’re not being true to yourself. When you dress to show us everything, then in some sense we have all shared in it, or at least been exposed to it. There is a mystery to you, infinite depth and endless complexity.

As the woman says in Song of Songs, “My own vineyard is mine to give.” In the ancient Near East, a vineyard was a euphemism for sexuality. She is saying that she doesn’t give herself to just anyone. She is fully in control of herself, and she is not cheap, and she is not easy.

Your strength is a beautiful thing. And when you live in it, when you carry yourself with the honor and dignity that are yours, it forces the men around you to relate to you on more than just a flesh level.

You are worth dying for.

When you live in your true identity, when you find your worth and value in your Creator, when you live “in Christ,” in who you really are, you force men to rethink what it means to be a man." -Sex God by Rob Bell

singleness

Hmm... okay, i somehow can't seem to fall asleep quite yet. As I lay awake I started to think about and pray for various friends at the beginning of new relationships, desperately desiring to be married and to find the right one, having babies or desiring babies, having kids and desiring time, getting married, or just about to be married, or recently married,... and I thought, thanks God for having me single right now. I love the opportunities I have to be involved in people's lives, young people in particular, that I wouldn't have in quite as much abundance nor with quite the same flexibility. You know, while I do desire to get married and have kids, I'm pretty happy (at least right now) about the stage of life I'm in and all that it provides. Not to be too cheery, but every stage has it's pros and cons and I just think that today and this week I've see to a larger degree some of the pros of being single, at least for now. :-)

Contemplating Life

Recently there have been two blogs that have made me think a bit. One posted an article entitled "Married to the Job" and the other post was "The right to a normal romance.. if any..." which refers to a book by the late Mabel Williamson, "Have we no rights? - A frank discussion of the "rights" of missionaries".

This summer I heard a great several sermons on the parable of the prodigal son (which sometime i should type up my notes and also look back over them), spending significant time looking at the father, the son and the older brother. it was good in terms of asking what rights we feel like we deserve when we come to God. do we think that by our "goodness" we have earned anything or deserve anything in particular from him? it is something good for me to contemplate.

In this book (which is online, just follow the link above) in the last chapter talks of Jesus not claiming his rights (as talked about in Philippians 2 and elsewhere) and then talks about us and I'm guessing summarizes, in part, the book. As a disclaimer, I'm not really a fan of the way she uses the word "right" in terms of our "right to Jesus. I think it is not a right at all, for we did nothing and He did it all. So, with that, here is an excerpt:

"He had no rights. And I?

A right to the "comforts" of life? No, but a right to the
love of God for my pillow.

A right to physical safety? No, but a right to the security
of being in His will.

A right to love and sympathy from those around me? No, but a
right to the friendship of the One who understands me better
than I do myself.

A right to be a leader among men? No, but the right to be
led by the One to whom I have given my all, led as is a
little child, with its hand in the hand of its father.

A right to a home, and dear ones? No, not necessarily; but a
right to dwell in the heart of God.

A right to myself? No, but, oh, I have a right to Christ.

All that He takes I will give;
All that He gives will I take;
He, my only right!
He, the one right before which all other rights
fade into nothingness.
I have full right to Him;
Oh, may He have full right to me!"

My friend Christy wrote (in part) after reading at least part of this book - "Tim Keller talks about a woman coming to grips with the gospel in his church and suddenly being really disturbed because she realized that if the gospel is really all about grace.. and Jesus did so much for me.. and there is nothing I can do in return.. than actually .. I have no leverage or bargaining chip with him. My life is bought with a price and there is not anything He cannot ask of me. That is a scary idea. Do we say that? Do we believe that? Is the gospel so real that I know and believe and live.. that there is nothing to scary or hard or difficult that Jesus cannot ask of me.. because I am his. Even into the realm of relationships.. a normal one.. or if any..."

---
The other article, published by Christianity Today, on their ChristianSingles.com site is really good. Also something that has gotten me thinking. Yes, I can work a ton. In part because I really believe in and enjoy my job. Secondly, because it has no clear finish. It is by no means a 9-to-5 job, in fact it is not uncommon for me to get home somewhere between 21:00 (9pm) and 1:00 am. Much of my job happens when students have time, nights, weekends, lunch, dinner, etc., But this article got me thinking. Do I use my job as an escape? or as a way to keep myself from feeling lonely? If I'm honest with myself and with God, reality is that sometimes that is exactly what I am doing and becomes a bit of an idol, in the respect that it is what I run to to give me a sense of worth instead of to Jesus. Oh, Lord, I want YOU to fill this place. I want to NOT have any other idols before you. For you ARE enough, more than enough. I just at times forget.

Here's an excerpt:

"I know I'm not alone in this singleness workaholism struggle. Just the other day, a single friend told me he realized he'd been working too much of late and was trying to strike a new healthier balance between work and play. And when I went in search of stats about singles and workaholism, I stumbled on this quote from author Richard Gosse, "Workaholism is a frequent problem among single people. Work enables you to escape the fear, loneliness, and boredom that often plague singles." Ouch!

When I look at my work patterns of late, I realize this is exactly what I've been doing—escaping some evening loneliness and boredom by staying at work later and later. Sure, the pattern started when our staff experienced a recent crunch time. But, I have to admit, it's partly continued out of laziness and escapism. And sure, there are much worse things to fill our downtime with than too much work. But I wonder if sometimes God wants to meet us in those silent moments we're often quick to fill with work, or any other number of distractions. Or maybe that awkward evening time is just the motivation we need to seek out a new ministry pursuit, friendship, or extended prayer time.

The funny thing is, I fell into this overwork pattern so subtly and since no one sees and holds me accountable for my daily comings and goings, I didn't even realize what I was doing. That is, until it recently dawned on me that I'm now on a first-name basis with our company's nighttime janitor."

"The name of the Lord is a strong tower;
the righteous man runs into it and is safe."
Proverbs 18:10

"Lord, you have been our dwelling place in ages past.
Before the mountains were brought forth,
or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God."
Psalm 90:1-2

"My people will abide in a peaceful habitation,
in secure dwellings, and in quiet resting places." Isaiah 32:18

being known, or unknown

I am finding that one of the hardest things about being in the States, but here in Florida, in Orlando, is the fact that I am somewhat unknown to people here. Yes, I know a lot of people, but none of them know me WELL, none of them are really close friends. And that is hard, hard not to really feel known, at least by anyone present in flesh and bone.

I have good friends just a call away, but somehow that feels different. I can't jump in the car or on the metro to go see them, or at least not with frequency nor in any kind of quick time frame. I can't just stop by.

Yes, the Lord is VERY present and, yes, this is a great time to draw near to him, but he has created us to be known and to be in relationships. So, when I am tired, a bit emotional, and haven't had much time to process life, I miss my good friends and I long to be married, to have someone who more or less goes where I go (and I with him), someone who when I am a bit strange or emotional might get frustrated with me, but also loves me and can speak truth and grace to me, someone who moves when I move and who knows my past and present and I his....

I just talked to one of my roommates about this, some of the things that at time are less than pleasant sides of singleness.

contentment & singleness

I just got off the phone with one of my best friends, someone who I am SO grateful God put in my life and whom it seems (while we are continents away from each other) are going through some very similar things right now (at leas internally).

one of those things is thinking about guys and our singleness. it is interesting because neither one of us feels incomplete being single, nor wants to get married just for the sake of getting married and not being "alone." in fact i met this friend when i lived in kansas and i remember us somewhat ranting about the way it seemed like some thought that we were incomplete without a husband. that somehow we didn't quite fit into the structure we were supposed to fit into when it came to church - we weren't in college, we weren't married, we weren't moms, and we weren't doing everything in our power to make these things happen. that's why we helped to start the 20s30s group at church which we were very clear was NOT a single's group to search for your future spouse. yes, great if that happened, but we just wanted some fun people to hang out with.

neither one of us now lives in kansas and over the past year or so, while we love our lives as they are, guys have pursued us (or half pursued us) making it a bit hard to just be content with the present status quo. some of them we've liked and some of we haven't but nothing has ever really come of them. and the past two weeks, as we've both had guys we're not interested in but who are friends pursue us for us to then have to eventually tell them we're not interested, we have been a bit frustrated both with God's timing and the fact that it seems like we either find guys we like but whom are passive and don't pursue us or guys we don't like for whatever reason who do pursue us.

we both have questioned if there is something wrong with us, some fatal flaw... if the right guy ever will come along... what is God thinking in the midst of all of this...

so tonight as we talked, it was obviously great to have someone else at the same place to relate with and to process life with. at one point she said, "you know i probably should just ask God to show me what he thinks about all this." so i asked God exactly that, "what do you think about all this?" and what i heard inside was, "dawn, just wait. i have good things for you. just trust me." i told her all of this and laughed as i said, "but that's what he always tells me." ironic, no.

i also was reminded that often when i've actually prayed and talked about this to the Lord that i have been brought back to the passage in matthew 7:7-11, "ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be open to you... which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? if you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"

all that to say, God DOES know the desires of my heart, he is the giver of good gifts, and he is not withholding something from me just for the heck of it, just to torture me. he must have some plan that i cannot see.

and, so while i am presently wrestling a bit with contentment, i choose to ask God to enter into this all and at least give me eyes to see him, that he is big enough to hold me, and that he is as he says he is. (and fortunately, based on experience, i know that there are times of discontentedness and times of contentment. this too shall pass.

and, as my friend said, reality is, i do love my life as it is. i wouldn't change anything. i have no idea what the future hopes, but each day has enough trouble of it's own to try to worry too much about what may or may not come.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."