it's nice to have company

I've been a bit melancholy the past few days, on and off. That and happy. Yesterday my mood was greatly affected by how I felt physically - yuck. I'm quite sure of the origin of my illness, just a runny nose and congestion, but somehow I had convinced myself that it was from the gross blue mold I found growing on my pata de jamón. I did some research via the worldwide web and seem to have some evidence that (1) this doesn't deem the ham leg inedible, in fact my information from various sources seems to think you just need to wash it off, I went for cutting it all off plus enough underneath that any remaining spore roots would be gone as well. gross, yes. It also gave some fairly vague information that (2) yes, this mold could have been inadvertently breathed in by me, the one trying to save the ham leg and remove all the mold while talking to my brother on the phone, and thus causing me flu/cold-like symptoms that have affected my respiratory system. I have no idea if this is true or not, but it is a good theory. But I digress...

So, I've been thinking about a million and one things that have to do with my future, what I desire in life & possible futures, and desiring to have someone around to share that with, if it be God's will... and yet somewhat happy and content with where I am, depending on the time, day, and state of my emotions.

Last night a gal working in an Eastern European country showed up to spend a few days here while she works out visa problems with the embassy of her host country. I am fairly agotada and just happen to have a fairly busy few days. This week two close friends here (one today, one two days ago) have had a grandma pass away and it seems like everyone around me is either in crisis or experiencing great loss or both. My life is fine, but the weight of those around me has been weighing on me a bit. So... I made the bed, got her settled, made tea, oatmeal, coffee, etc., and got her directions and such to find her way to the embassy and everything else she needs. And then my roommate shows up and offers to take her around with her to do a few errands, to go to lunch, and just to hang out. WOW!

It just reminded me of (1) that while I may long for a life-mate that the Lord has put people right along side me and (2) how much I appreciate my roommate and having a roommate period. It's true that all people are messy at times, but it is also true that it is nice to have company along for the ride and to have people to pick up your slack or what you don't have to give at times.

I just watched a great Clive Owen film, The Boys Are Back, and was yet again reminded of this truth. Presently I am basking in the gracious and goodness of God's provision for me in countless ways. It's a good place to be. And it's also not bad that I have Carla Bruni playing in the background. :-)

singleness

Hmm... okay, i somehow can't seem to fall asleep quite yet. As I lay awake I started to think about and pray for various friends at the beginning of new relationships, desperately desiring to be married and to find the right one, having babies or desiring babies, having kids and desiring time, getting married, or just about to be married, or recently married,... and I thought, thanks God for having me single right now. I love the opportunities I have to be involved in people's lives, young people in particular, that I wouldn't have in quite as much abundance nor with quite the same flexibility. You know, while I do desire to get married and have kids, I'm pretty happy (at least right now) about the stage of life I'm in and all that it provides. Not to be too cheery, but every stage has it's pros and cons and I just think that today and this week I've see to a larger degree some of the pros of being single, at least for now. :-)

contentment & singleness

I just got off the phone with one of my best friends, someone who I am SO grateful God put in my life and whom it seems (while we are continents away from each other) are going through some very similar things right now (at leas internally).

one of those things is thinking about guys and our singleness. it is interesting because neither one of us feels incomplete being single, nor wants to get married just for the sake of getting married and not being "alone." in fact i met this friend when i lived in kansas and i remember us somewhat ranting about the way it seemed like some thought that we were incomplete without a husband. that somehow we didn't quite fit into the structure we were supposed to fit into when it came to church - we weren't in college, we weren't married, we weren't moms, and we weren't doing everything in our power to make these things happen. that's why we helped to start the 20s30s group at church which we were very clear was NOT a single's group to search for your future spouse. yes, great if that happened, but we just wanted some fun people to hang out with.

neither one of us now lives in kansas and over the past year or so, while we love our lives as they are, guys have pursued us (or half pursued us) making it a bit hard to just be content with the present status quo. some of them we've liked and some of we haven't but nothing has ever really come of them. and the past two weeks, as we've both had guys we're not interested in but who are friends pursue us for us to then have to eventually tell them we're not interested, we have been a bit frustrated both with God's timing and the fact that it seems like we either find guys we like but whom are passive and don't pursue us or guys we don't like for whatever reason who do pursue us.

we both have questioned if there is something wrong with us, some fatal flaw... if the right guy ever will come along... what is God thinking in the midst of all of this...

so tonight as we talked, it was obviously great to have someone else at the same place to relate with and to process life with. at one point she said, "you know i probably should just ask God to show me what he thinks about all this." so i asked God exactly that, "what do you think about all this?" and what i heard inside was, "dawn, just wait. i have good things for you. just trust me." i told her all of this and laughed as i said, "but that's what he always tells me." ironic, no.

i also was reminded that often when i've actually prayed and talked about this to the Lord that i have been brought back to the passage in matthew 7:7-11, "ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be open to you... which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? if you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"

all that to say, God DOES know the desires of my heart, he is the giver of good gifts, and he is not withholding something from me just for the heck of it, just to torture me. he must have some plan that i cannot see.

and, so while i am presently wrestling a bit with contentment, i choose to ask God to enter into this all and at least give me eyes to see him, that he is big enough to hold me, and that he is as he says he is. (and fortunately, based on experience, i know that there are times of discontentedness and times of contentment. this too shall pass.

and, as my friend said, reality is, i do love my life as it is. i wouldn't change anything. i have no idea what the future hopes, but each day has enough trouble of it's own to try to worry too much about what may or may not come.

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding; in all of your ways, acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."