SSLYBY - Let It Sway

Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin. A band I've been really getting into recently, which is ironic since the guy I was dating until recently LOVES this band and gave me a cd of their "greatest hits" right before we broke up. And yet I didn't really listen to it until about a month or two later. Somehow their melancholy or just downright heart-broken and depressing lyrics mixed with an upbeat, guster-ish tune makes me love them. And not to mention, they're from Missouri. Springfield to be exact. I love their lyrics and the fact that they seem pretty down to earth. I wish I'd heard more of their music before I went to a concert of theirs in STL exhausted and only knowing one song. They take some time to warm up to, at least did for me.

And, yes, as I'm still processing this break up, and I'm sure that this is part of me processing. At times my emotion is very much on my sleeve and I both need melancholy music and things that make me face the reality of it being over. So, SSLYBY is one of the many "new" things I've begun to do or listen to... It's such an odd thing but I've probably changed a million and one little things. It feels new and refreshing. And I know some of this makes no rational sense, but anyway.

Here's a video of the making of their new cd, "Let It Sway."


I love it! And here is a video from the album that actually is what first made me think twice about the band. :-)

melancholy songs

beirut - "nantes"


feist - "the park"


over the rhine - "ohio"


over the rhine - "i want you to be my love"


feist - "lonely, lonely"

Fall in Madrid

Hmm... I just bemoaned all the things I miss from the States about fall, in part because I'm a little down and in part because I just got a package from my mom, just made popcorn, am cold (because it's fall and there's not any heat until Nov), and, yeah.... SO, I'm going to make a list of the things I love about the fall in Madrid and specifically the fall, not the winter or some other season.

I DO love the beginning of the semester and all the excitement of getting things going again and seeing God at work in my life, in the lives of students, etc.,

I LOVE walking around the streets anytime of year, but the fall is nice. I did love Saturday, just two days ago, when I bought some new plants and potted them and had the windows open with the fresh, cool (but not too cool) air.

I do love making popcorn and snuggling under a blanket because it's just a little too cold. I love tea and making apple cider. I love walking through Retiro park any time of year, but the fall and spring are probably some of the best times. I need to do that more often. The fall is nice to run in because it's finally cool enough to wear pants again, really, but just a tank top or t-shirt. And I LOVE to run when it's cool out.

I don't much care for when it rains, but we haven't had much rain this year, at least not yet, nor actually do we usually.

I like that the leaves do change some, at least more than they used to (during the 2 or 3 years of drought). I like that people are around again. Summer vacations have ended, so the city is full again and life is back to normality, back in motion. I DO like fall cleaning and fall changes (or at least some of them).

Well, that's at least the beginning of a list. I do like spring more. And I am still a little down. But that's okay. It's okay for a time.

fall...

I just made some popcorn (I know I just said that below), but it got me thinking about fall and all the things I miss. Yes, it's fall here too, but somehow this year I feel more nostalgic and am more aware of all the things I miss.

I have always missed the changing leaves. The leaves DO change here, a little, but not like in Missouri, with the brilliant reds and oranges and yellows, with the piles of leaves all over the ground to be raked or jumped into or collected temporarily. I LOVED fall at Mizzou when I was in college. I'd always come back from class with a pile of leaves to put in a basket or something. I LOVED the rainbow of colors and still do... or that's what I miss.

Apple picking, making apple pies from the apples in my parents' backyard,... hayrides, campfires, fall camping trips,.... pumpkins, carving pumpkins, pumpkin pies (and being able to make pumpkin pies from canned pumpkin instead of either having to get someone to ship it or bring it over or making them from sweet potatoes or finding a pumpkin and boiling it),... chili, cornbread,... winter soups (okay, that i do make here. i make a ton of tasty winter & fall soups and do make chili on occasion. it's just not the norm and no one else is making chili.).

So, that is my bemoaning about nothing. Fall is the one season (okay, and maybe winter) that I miss here. They were never my favorite seasons, but I miss the snow, the changing leaves, and probably the trick-or-treaters too. I don't actually have any reason to complain. I live in Spain. You can't really compare with that. Yet this fall I'm melancholy and a little sad, not overly nor excessively just a little. And, if you must know, it has to do with a boy that I'm still getting over. (Which probably helps explain a lot of my emotional-ness as of late.) Somehow it seems like it shouldn't take this long, but it is. So that's why I'm all nostalgic and missing home a little more than normal.

snow!

It's snowing!!!

I'm still feeling quite melancholy and trying to sort through my wealth of emotions. There is something comforting and refreshing about snow. It's like rain, in that it feels like creation is sad with me, and yet it's light and fluffy and right now coming down pretty hard. Since I live in Madrid, it likely won't stick, but for the time being I can enjoy the clumps of snow falling down.

My sweet roommate left a copy of a page from the book Thirty-one Days of Praise. It's exactly what I need right now:

Father, I'm so delighted that You are both loving and sovereign, and that You cause all things to work together for good to those who love You, to those who are called according to Your purpose. So I thank You for each disturbing or humbling situation in my life, for each breaking or cleansing process You are allowing, for each problem or hindrance, for each thing that triggers in me anxiety or anger or pain. And I thank You in advance for each disappointment, each demanding duty, each pressure, each interruption that may arise in the coming hours and days.

In spite of what I think or feel when I get my eyes off You, I choose not to resist my trials as intruders, but to welcome them as friends. (Okay, that's a little harder to say.)

Thank You that each difficulty is an opportunity to see You work... that in Your time You will bring me out to a place of abundance. I rejoice that You plan to enrich and beautify me through each problem, each conflict, each struggle... that through them You expose my weaknesses and needs, my hidden sins, my self-centeredness (and especially my self-reliance and pride (which are most definitely there more than I wish were the case)). Thank You that You use trials to humble me and perfect my faith and produce in me the quality of endurance that they prepare the soil of my heart for the fresh new growth in godliness that You and I both long to see in me... and that my momentary troubles are producing for me an eternal glory that far outweighs them all, as I keep my eyes focused on You. I'm grateful that You look beyond my superficial desire for a trouble-free life; instead, You fulfill my deep-down desire to glorify You, enjoy Your warm fellowship, and become more like Your Son.

I thank You for the bitter things
They've been a friend to grace,
They've driven me from teh paths of ease
To storm the secret place.
- Florence White Willett

Oh, how sweet the Lord is, how gentle and tender. Praise Him, even in the midst of a messy world, in fact, all the more in the mess of my life, those around me, and the broken sorrows of life, sin y tal.

singleness, babies, weddings, longings,...

hmm... right now i'm actually in a great mood, so this actually has nothing to do with my present emotions.

recently weddings and babies have been on my mind quite frequently, in fact more frequently than i wish. it seems like everyone and their brother is having babies and getting married this year. since september i've been to two weddings, i have another one in just a week, and a girl who is also in madrid working with me is getting married next summer. as for babies, most of my friends now have at least 2 kids. fortunately, for my sake, there are still a couple other single friends around, but the list keeps on shrinking.

the girl in madrid who is getting married is the one whose wedding somehow affects me more than any other one has in a very long time. she came here last january on staff, this summer met her fiancé, and a month later they were engaged. while i know it isn't true, i feel like it's unfair, that somehow i've put in my time and deserve it more. (obviously, it's not something you "deserve" or "don't deserve," nor something that comes to you when you've earned it, but that is on an emotional level how i feel about it. i mean I want to get married and have kids too. when is it MY turn? that is again my emotions speaking, not my brain.)

then there have been several thoughtless things that people have said. i think it was primarily to poke fun at us (not thinking that it could come across as being hurtful), but a married guy at our meetings this weekend said (again i think in jest) that we just need to seduce a man; that that is the secret of who gets a guy and who doesn't. he said that is obviously an art, as the man needs to think he is doing the work, but he needs to first be enticed. he said it has nothing to do with looks or what a girl is actually like, but all about physical attraction and the girl pursuing the guy. while i think a girl obviously can't go hide inside a burlap bag, i strongly disagree. but then again i'm the one who is single. this guy's remarks infuriated me and at the same time made me feel hurt, as if he was saying that it's my own fault that i'm single. and made me want to survey all the guys i've ever liked and ask them why either nothing ever happened or it didn't work out. is it my fault? i think the answer is no. no, i haven't done things perfectly, but i also think that some of the relationships which haven't worked out have had little to nothing to do with me. honestly i think that we weren't the right two people to go together and/or the guy had no idea what he wanted (and sometimes i didn't either). the fact that most of the guys i'm talking about are still single too seems to support my point. (and they've definitely had some women pursue them or clearly express their interest in them.)

well today is a new day. on one hand i have no idea what to do with all this stuff. and on the other hand, while i would love to have someone to wake up to, to be with me through moves, through think and thin, to have a family with, to make decisions with, and i'd love to hold a little baby in my arms that is mine, i one trust that someday that may happen and on the other hand know that it will be okay if it doesn't, that the Lord will meet me in whatever situation i may find myself. He will give me the grace and strength i need for each day. for i know, despite my emotions at times, that i have a God who walks with me, who is my help and the one who cares for me and loves me and who is with me through the ebs and flows of life. my God loves me and chooses to bless me and protect and provide for me apart from what i deserve or "earn." that is so nice to know.

breathe

Strong Weakness - from Village Thrift, Enter the Worship Circle

No matter what i do my weakness is stronger than me,
How can i be changed? All of my goodness has failed.
Will you turn your anger to mercy and look upon me?
For i am your child; I am the work of your hands.
No matter what i do your love is stronger than me,
Bigger than my faults... only your love will not fail.

You are the one, You are the only one
Who can bring me to my knees.

You are the one, You are the only one
Who can rescue me, rescue me from me.

You are the one, You are the only one
Who will color love, You cover me.

No matter what i do my weakness is stronger than me,
How can i be changed? All of my goodness has failed.
Will you turn your anger to mercy and look upon me?
For i am your child; I am the work of your hands.
No matter what i do your love is stronger than me,
Bigger than my faults... only your love will not fail.

You are the one, you are the only one
Who can pull me from the grave.

You are the one, you are the only one
Who thinks I’m good, good enough to save.

You are the one, you are the only one
Who will color love, you cover me.

Oh, amazing!!! I love this music and I love the Lord! Amazing!!!

I've kind of had a melancholy day and couldn't quite put my finger on why until I sat down and realized, (1) I'm exhausted, (2) I had a crappy weekend, which I thought was going to be relaxing and restful but was frustrating, tiring, draining,... and that on top of that that I was frustrated that I was frustrated (which I'm realizing happens more often than I had previously thought), and (3) I haven't had good time with the Lord today, in His word, letting it wash me and renew me.

So, here I am, resting in the Lord and being renewed and refreshed, given life again. No wonder the Lord talks about a sabbath rest, where we rest from our works. I am seeing the results of not always taking a day to rest and be refreshed and renewed and I am learning how to do that in a very abnormal schedule. Ahh....refreshment... ahh... rest... ah... renewal and resting from working... (even if I love my life and my "job" and such, I still need time for me and time to be refreshed - a fact which I forget way too easily...)

:-) I'm listening to "my favorites" on my itunes and Paul Oakenfold just came on. Not necessarily "spiritual" music, but I love it. I think the Lord smiles as I listen to it. It makes me smile. :-) I love this mix!

Now onto Caedmon's Call - "Only Hope"

Depth of mercy, can there be
Mercy still reserved for me,
Can my God, your wrath forbear,
Me, the chief of sinners, spare

Chorus
It's my only hope,
You're my only hope,
It's my only hope of Heaven,
At the cross forgiven

I have long withstood your grace,
King, provoked you to your face,
Would not harken to your calls,
Grieved you by a thousand falls,

Chorus

There for me the Savior stands,
Shows his wounds and spreads His hands,
Face to face before the Son
And like Isaiah I'm undone

Depth of mercy, vast and free,
So much deeper than the sea,
God of love, you heard my cry,
Now into your open arms I fly

Chorus

I'll make another post for my thoughts and readings, since this one is getting kind of long. :-) Oh, now we're onto Guster, "Satellite." I have to say, GREAT MUSIC!!!!

"You Never Let Go" - Mat Redman

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

(Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

(Chorus 2x's)

thunder & lightening

today it has been a beautiful day, nice, warm and sunny AND from now and then it downpours with lightening, hail, lots of rain, the works... it is nice. and it is nice particularly since i've been in quite a melancholy mood today. there is just something about rain that is refreshing.

and i have to say that i love to hear the rain downpour. it makes me feel clean. it makes me feel safe. because (as does much of nature) it reminds me that i am little and that God is big and yet He loves me and is Good. thunderstorms remind me of His power and might and help me to remember that it really does make a lot more sense to entrust Him with my life instead of me trying to do it on my own.