Recently I sat through a couple seminars on grief and how to walk with others through grief. Then yesterday I experienced exactly some of what they said NOT to do. I may not be in the depths of grief, as the result of a death or severe loss, but I am in the midst of the grief and transition of moving back to the US after six years abroad. Abroad is home, not here. My best friends, those in my daily life, and my "family" all live THERE not HERE. I am in transition and coming to grips with the loss of moving.
Well, yesterday I finally pinpointed one of my "fish out of water" moments and was able to pinpoint why. A girl told me how much she appreciated what I had shared about missing Spain and then proceeded to tell me that she understood exactly what I was going through. This summer she went overseas for a couple weeks and she missed her family a lot. I wanted to be sympathetic and appreciate her efforts to empathize, but... that is NOT HELPFUL. She may want to be empathetic, but she DOES NOT have any idea what I am going through. I don't want to bemoan my situation nor do I need to talk about it as much as I may do from time to time. YES, I do have some growth that need to take place. Life, even life right now, is NOT all about me. BUT... you don't understand reverse culture shock unless you've experienced it. And I'm sorry, but six years and a month are not the same. You may experience a glimpse of it after a month, but not really. It is NOT the same thing.
I need to remember this too, but one point I was brought back to from those grief seminars was that unless you've been through the same thing, it is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL to have someone say that they understand what you're going through. Some other examples people gave from the seminar were people who had lost a pet telling someone who had recently lost a parent that they understood what they were going through. BULL-POOP! And I think someone else likened someone's dealing with cancer by saying they understood because they too had just been really sick with the flu, or something like that. How would anyone thing that is helpful?
I know those are extreme examples, but even with something as seemingly benign as reverse culture shock, you just someone to listen, to say they're sorry, or to say, "you must be going through a lot right now" sympathetically, or honestly just saying nothing and not understanding is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better than saying they understand because they too have gone on vacation. Give me a break. I know this is a bit fuerte or critical, but just thought I'd process and share a bit. Thanks for listening.
