cuteness

i am sad today, but that is for another post. in my teary-eyed-ness i just called my best friend ruth and her 6 year old daughter elia just picked up. we talked briefly and then she asked if i wanted her to tell her mom that i was coming over. i said that i couldn't come over and she asked, "why not?" to which i replied, "i'm in the US at my parents' house." "what?" "well, i'll have my mom call you." "when is she going to be back, half an hour?" "i don't know, but don't worry, we'll call you." if only she knew that it's not that simple. anyway, elia's cuteness made me smile in the midst of my sadness.

happy thoughts

I am in a horrible mood. Some of my best friends here leave tomorrow. They've been good friends, great workmates,... They are not the only really good friends leaving... I keep on thinking, "There are people dying in the world. There are kids in horrible situations. There are natural disasters. There are things way worse going on in the world. This is NOT that big. Just get over it." And yet I still feel like poop. So, I'm making a list of happy things. (And also a list of poopy things.)

Poopy things
(1) my back, or to be precise my right shoulder blade/shoulder/upper back is killing me. it really hurts & i've already taken one 600 mg ibuprofen.
(2) i hate people leaving. i hate it. i know i tend to be the one leaving and that's not fun either, but it's way worse when you're the one staying.
(3) i have little to motivation to get things done and yet my to do list keeps growing.

Happy things
(1) lavender tea. i love lavender tea and just brewed some to help me be in a chipper mood.
(2) sufjan stevens. what i'm listening to also in the hopes of cheering up.
(3) what i see of the world isn't all that there is. The Lord IS making all things new and he WILL make all things FULLY new. This really is hopeful and DOES actually help me put things into perspective. It's the only thing that really helps.
(4) good friends who care and who are kind and who think of me and let me complain without telling me to just get over it (but then do that too, if i'm just sulking).
(5) i actually do love where i live. AND we just got a new hot water heater! for the first time in 5 years we actually have water pressure in the shower AND it's actually the right temperature. i no longer have to put a clothespin to keep the water coming out of the shower head. and i no longer have to endure scalding hot water or tepid water. this is AMAZING.
(6) the weather is beautiful! it's perfect for just about anything. the windows are open, the birds are flying and singing,... it is happy weather.
(7) i actually have time to get things done and despite my poopy list item #3, i am for the most part motivated. i just have spurts of unproductivity.
(8) lavender tea
(9) God's grace, Psalms 106 & 107 - it's not dependent on ME and God is so sweet to me and gracious to act in love when that's not what i deserve. he cares for me and loves me!
(10) the little people, aka my friends' kids. they make me happy.
(11) okay, this list is actually WAY longer than the other one!

change, transition, sadness, yuck,...

So... I went running tonight after going to the gym and thought about several things, but one being that I am a bit down today. I'm primarily sad because everyone around me is sad, or so it seems, and that lately I've been seeing the cup as a little less full. One of my best friends here is moving next week, for good reasons (she's getting married soon), but I'm sad to see her go and also sad to see her in the midst of all the emotion of major life changes. I don't want her to go because I want to be there for her in the midst of these changes, not just there on the phone but PHYSICALLY there so she can come over or I can go over. And I want her to be there for me, to listen to me process, to listen to my griping, and to speak truth and wisdom to me, and to just be around. So, I'm sad. And because I'm sad I'm irritated with life and all the things that do normally do irritate me, but that I don't even hardly actually notice, they're more minor things.

The other thing I thought about is that I feel like I've been so negative and so half cup almost empty (or at least not just almost full). I like being a positive, generally happy, cheerful person who cheers others up. I like being that person. I don't like being one who tells you all the bad going on in life first. But right now with the people closest to me, the people by whom I feel listened to, really, and feel free to be a mess, I've been tending to tell all the negative of my day and all the negative of life first. I have a million and one great things happening and going on, so why do I spew the grossness out. I guess I want to be known. I guess I need people to "carry my burdens" right now, or just there to let me get things out and then somehow it's a whole lot better. Hmm... I guess it's just humanness. And I guess it's just where I am right now. Not to say that I'm really in a dark, dark cloud, just in a lightly grey one. I mean, I'm totally justifying myself unnecessarily, but I am there for those around me, I'm just not quite the cup almost full girl, I'm more the half full person. And I guess it doesn't help that I've been a little under the weather too.

Somehow it's Friday night and while part of me really wanted to go hang out with people, the other part of me wanted to just be alone, to watch Grey's Anatomy, listen to some good music, maybe journal or not think at all, to talk to some friends, but to be alone and to let myself be sad or confused or whatever it is that I'm feeling right now. So yeah, that's what I'm doing. It's so weird. Fortunate for me there were some incredible leftovers in the fridge from lunch - my roommate made some rice stuffed sea bass for a meeting we had here at lunchtime. Incredible doesn't fully do it justice. And some nice red wine goes alone quite nicely. And, yeah, somehow getting all this out helps. And somehow being alone in the midst of this to process, and yet not actually feeling alone at all, and having talked to some good friends but not about all this but that love me and somehow are also feeling a bit down, makes me feel a bit more happy. hmm... oh, and by the way, you've gotta love the Dark Was The Night: Red Hot Compilation. sooooo soooo soooo good.

so, i just found out that a good friend of mine has passed away. i have a mix of emotions, many so mixed that i can't even hardly process them. grief. sadness. anger. empathy. sadness. resign. knowledge of hope and joy, but which are more cerebral than emotional.

cheryl was an amazing woman. and the thing that hits me so hard is that i really don't understand nor like what happened to her over the past couple of years. she was healthy and very active in helping others. she worked at a florist, had two boys, played the piano at church, and just was an amazing lady. that did not change when her body slowly began to stop functioning as a result the effects of parkinson's disease, but very quickly it progressed into her not even being able to talk. debilitating. awful. it pretty much came overnight. and over the course of two years it got worse, and worse, and worse. in fact her father will now bury her. as will her loving husband and two sons (who are now both college aged). it breaks my heart.

and, while i know there is another side to all of this, it is very hard for me to see right now. all i can think of is those she had to leave behind and the grief they will feel over the years to come.

death is a horrible thing. and yet, it happens to all of us, at some time or another.

in moments like this, it seems that my first response is to ask "why?" why did cheryl have to die this way? this horrible and drawn out way? why cheryl, why not someone else (who seemingly deserves it more - horrible thought, right, but i just wish it weren't her)?

and, yet as i continue to process this, i know that this is exactly why Jesus died on the cross. he died to give us life and to break the sting of death. he died so that our physical death wouldn't mean eternal separation from God and all humanity. instead of being the end of all connection and all relationship, it is really the beginning of something marvelous.

now as we mourn over our loss and as we question the "why"s of death and dying, cheryl is with the Lord. she has no more suffering. she has no more tears. she can dance and sing and talk and rejoice. she is not sad. she is not suffering. she is more alive than ever before. hallelujah! praise the Lord!

this does change my perspective and that upon which my eyes are focused. it doesn't take away the sadness, nor the fact that i wish i could take away the pain bruce and the boys feel. but it does remind me that God is in fact Good. and he is in fact in control. this did not happen unbeknownst to him. nor will he be distance from cheryl's family and friends during this time. he will use this too for his glory and to draw them near to him. he will use it for good.

and i am reminded (while still a bit disconnected emotionally) by the fact that my grandpa's death and other extremely hard and times full of wrestling with the Lord have actually been some of the times during which I have grown closest to him and seen more of who he is and of who i am in relationship to him.

so, this is my prayer for bruce and sterling and the boys and all the others that mourn cheryl's death. i pray that they would wrestle with the Lord. i pray that they would ask the hard questions and that they would see the Lord respond. i pray that they would submit to the Lord and see more of His goodness and graciousness. i pray that HE would be the one who comforts them and that HE would be the one to whom they run to find refuge. i pray that he would use those in their midst to be his hands and feet and voice. and my cheryl dance and sing as she never did before. i pray that this would give them hope as well.

note: interestingly, as i posted this, my itunes switched to a sermon by john piper entitled "prayer - the work of missions." (i just tried to find it online and while i did search for it did not find it. i have no idea where i got it, but know that i downloaded it from somewhere - and i thought from his website. anyway...) it talks about prayer and missions. in light of the topic of death, as i began to listen to the message, i was reminded of the importance of really living life and really living it for things that matter and in a way that glorifies and reflects God. i'm not sure what i want to say, more than that times like this make me reevaluate my life - how i spend my time, what i'm doing with my life, what i invest my time and money and effort in,...