so, i just found out that a good friend of mine has passed away. i have a mix of emotions, many so mixed that i can't even hardly process them. grief. sadness. anger. empathy. sadness. resign. knowledge of hope and joy, but which are more cerebral than emotional.

cheryl was an amazing woman. and the thing that hits me so hard is that i really don't understand nor like what happened to her over the past couple of years. she was healthy and very active in helping others. she worked at a florist, had two boys, played the piano at church, and just was an amazing lady. that did not change when her body slowly began to stop functioning as a result the effects of parkinson's disease, but very quickly it progressed into her not even being able to talk. debilitating. awful. it pretty much came overnight. and over the course of two years it got worse, and worse, and worse. in fact her father will now bury her. as will her loving husband and two sons (who are now both college aged). it breaks my heart.

and, while i know there is another side to all of this, it is very hard for me to see right now. all i can think of is those she had to leave behind and the grief they will feel over the years to come.

death is a horrible thing. and yet, it happens to all of us, at some time or another.

in moments like this, it seems that my first response is to ask "why?" why did cheryl have to die this way? this horrible and drawn out way? why cheryl, why not someone else (who seemingly deserves it more - horrible thought, right, but i just wish it weren't her)?

and, yet as i continue to process this, i know that this is exactly why Jesus died on the cross. he died to give us life and to break the sting of death. he died so that our physical death wouldn't mean eternal separation from God and all humanity. instead of being the end of all connection and all relationship, it is really the beginning of something marvelous.

now as we mourn over our loss and as we question the "why"s of death and dying, cheryl is with the Lord. she has no more suffering. she has no more tears. she can dance and sing and talk and rejoice. she is not sad. she is not suffering. she is more alive than ever before. hallelujah! praise the Lord!

this does change my perspective and that upon which my eyes are focused. it doesn't take away the sadness, nor the fact that i wish i could take away the pain bruce and the boys feel. but it does remind me that God is in fact Good. and he is in fact in control. this did not happen unbeknownst to him. nor will he be distance from cheryl's family and friends during this time. he will use this too for his glory and to draw them near to him. he will use it for good.

and i am reminded (while still a bit disconnected emotionally) by the fact that my grandpa's death and other extremely hard and times full of wrestling with the Lord have actually been some of the times during which I have grown closest to him and seen more of who he is and of who i am in relationship to him.

so, this is my prayer for bruce and sterling and the boys and all the others that mourn cheryl's death. i pray that they would wrestle with the Lord. i pray that they would ask the hard questions and that they would see the Lord respond. i pray that they would submit to the Lord and see more of His goodness and graciousness. i pray that HE would be the one who comforts them and that HE would be the one to whom they run to find refuge. i pray that he would use those in their midst to be his hands and feet and voice. and my cheryl dance and sing as she never did before. i pray that this would give them hope as well.

note: interestingly, as i posted this, my itunes switched to a sermon by john piper entitled "prayer - the work of missions." (i just tried to find it online and while i did search for it did not find it. i have no idea where i got it, but know that i downloaded it from somewhere - and i thought from his website. anyway...) it talks about prayer and missions. in light of the topic of death, as i began to listen to the message, i was reminded of the importance of really living life and really living it for things that matter and in a way that glorifies and reflects God. i'm not sure what i want to say, more than that times like this make me reevaluate my life - how i spend my time, what i'm doing with my life, what i invest my time and money and effort in,...