the unknowns of life

be forewarned, this is definitely processing at its finest, or not so finest nor thought through. it's just pure thoughts as they come out. just to forewarn you:

some dear friends of mine left this morning for the states. they've been here the past 2.5 yrs and have become dear friends and trusted colleagues. they have a one and a half year old who was born here and they're going home to go back to seminary (for a phd) and to figure out what is next.

i'm so grateful to have gotten to know them and also grateful to have been blessed by them in countless ways. yet as i sit here, granted exhausted (which is why i'm taking a little "siesta" of sorts) and granted emotional, i'm a little introspective. in two weeks i'll turn 34, which somehow seems to be a big year. i mean, it's a year before 35 and 35 seems way too old for me to be. ever. particularly being kid-less and husband-less. i mean, 90+ percent of my life i'm next to fully content with being single and i actually LOVE my life, just the way it is. and i'm not by any means just enduring it. in many, many ways i'm thankful that i've had time to be here and to do a lot of things that i probably wouldn't have had time to do nor freedom and flexibility to do if i were married with kids. that said, 34? i mean, if i want kids, now is the time, no? and right now i think i could be ready. and i think i'm willing and desirous of that life. it's kind of a hard thing, and i guess in some ways good that you don't have it all just planned out ahead of time. i mean, i want to get married and i want to have kids, if the right guy comes along and really is THAT guy. if he doesn't, i still desire that life, but i'd rather never marry than to settle or to choose something lesser, even if that means never having kids of my own. and yet at the same time, now more than ever, i can see that that life means exchanging some of my flexibility and "freedom" for giving to others and little people, which at least today i want, the little people that is. and all this connects with my friends leaving in that they have a little person and my other friends leaving soon have two little people. and i DON'T feel like i'm wasting my life by any means, but in some ways, some little ways, i'm not sure my life has fully begun. i mean, i was thinking at the gym last night that i have probably NOT lived half of my life yet. i could get married in a year or two from now and have kids and have a whole different life than i've yet to know. crazy. or something else i have no idea about could happen. who knows... definitely not me.

so... what i actually meant to be writing about are the unknowns of life, which right now seem like a lot. the fall is a huge unknown - who will i be working with? what will my fall look like? the summer is a little unknown, but for the most part figured out, just some of the "who's" and "when's" are a bit unknown. and then the between the summer and fall is a little unknown, or at least what may or may not happen. then there are the next couple years. there is the boy situation. there is how that will play out, or not. there are the boy situations of some very very close friends... all of it unknown and way way way out of my control. i honestly don't know even how to think about it. and, thank God, that He actually remains a true constant. He doesn't shift nor change nor change his mind nor move nor step away for a time. He is FULLY and COMPLETELY present and active. no, i can't control him. no, i can't always figure him out nor understand WHY. but He's Good, really GOOD. and He love me and knows what's best for me and others. and he has a plan and a will. and He listens to me and cares and hears me. He holds me. He works in me, around me. He goes before and behind me. HE DOES know the plans ahead, whether it be the fall or the summer, or next year, or twenty or eighty or a hundred or a thousand or billion years from now. He KNOWS. and he cares. and as i've been reading a ton lately in psalm 106 & 107, he is gracious and merciful and faithful even when I am not (not that that justifies my wrong-doing, but it does give me confidence and peace that it's not all about me). i can't mess it all up. i'm not that powerful. and thank God that i'm not.

so, i've been reading about prayer recently, specifically i've been reading A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller (no relation). it's good, by no means rocket science but just real life wisdom. good stuff.

i think i had some other thoughts, that were probably much more profound than what i actually wrote. but this is me right now, just processing life, seeking to trust God and to walk by faith, taking Him at his word, trying to allow the Gospel to define my life, trying to allow God to lead me, and taking one day at a time.

grey's anatomy

i just watched this week's grey's anatomy. i love love love that show. okay, sometimes the drama is probably a bit over the top, but i love that the people are real and flawed and alive and a mess, but real. and i love the emotion of it. they're trying to figure out their way through live, how to live, how to work through their stuff, how to live, how to fill their longing for more,... and the show actually shows their dysfunction in trying to escape and such. anyway... random stuff.

in desperate need of God's grace and mercy

"Así pues, ahora no hay ya ninguna condenación para los que están unidos a Cristo Jesús, porque la ley del Espíritu que da vida en Cristo Jesús te ha liberado de la ley del pecado y de la muerte. Porque Dios ha hecho lo que no pudo hacer la ley de Moisés, que era incapaz de hacerlo a causa de la debilidad humana: Dios envió a su Hijo en la misma débil condición del hombre pecador y como sacrificio por el pecado...

...los que viven sometidos a los deseos de la débil condición humana no pueden agradar a Dios...

...Y si el Espíritu de aquel que resucitó a Jesús vive en vosotros, el mismo que resucitó a Cristo dará nueva vida a vuestros cuerpos mortales por medio del Espíritu de Dios que vive en vosotros...

...Todos los que son guiado por el Espíritu de Dios son hijos de Dios. Pues no habéis recibido un espíritu de esclavitud que os lleve ora vez a tener miedo, sino el Espíritu que os hace hijos de Dios. Por este Espíritu nos dirigimos a Dios, diciendo: '¡Abbá!, ¡Padre!'" (Romanos 8:1-3,8,11,14-15)

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus form the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit...

... Those who are in the flesh cannot please God... If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you...

...For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry out, 'Abba! Father!'"(Romans 8:1-5,8,11,14-15)

"Humillaos, pues, bajo la poderosa mano de Dios, para que él os enaltezca a su debido tiempo. Dejad todas vuestras preocupaciónes a Dios, porque él se preocupa de vosotros." (1 Pedro 5:6-7)

"Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God that he may exalt you at the proper time. Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)


"Yo soy quien te manda que tengas valor y firmeza. No tengas miedo ni te desanimes, porque yo, tu Señor y Dios, estaré contigo dondequiera que vayas." (Josué 1:9)

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

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so, it is ironic that last night I would write about God's grace. because today, or at least this evening, I have been struck by my great need for God's mercy and grace.

somehow i am a perfectionist. not in all things, not all the time, but somehow in the way i act toward others and in who i am as a person, somehow i have the misconception that i should be perfect. and when i am struck by the reality that i am not perfect, or haven't been what i wish i had been, then i feel horrible. a mess. a disaster. and somehow God's grace and his sacrifice doesn't seem like enough or like it pertains to me.

that was where i was stuck for awhile today, after talking with one of my roommates. i so want to be perfect, which if i think about it realistically is not really what i want because i want to be a real person, an alive person. yet i don't want to be imperfect. and i hate when i mess up, hurt someone or let someone down. ahhh!!!


so, as i began to want to find someone else to blame and as i wanted to pull away from my roommate emotionally, fortunately in God's grace it occurred to me that what was going on is that i felt bad and that i felt like crap and i wanted to make some kind of excuse to justify myself and to make it not my fault or my imperfection. but in this moment, in God's grace, the scripture above came to mind. it is for all of these reasons that I need Jesus. and it is for all of these reasons that Jesus' death and resurrection give me life and free me from living under the condemnation of myself or another. in Christ i am a new creation, i have a new heart, i have a new spirit that desires what is right, and i have a new identity. i am holy and i am perfect in God's sight. amazing! absolutely amazing!

so, yes, i am still very much in process and, yes, there is stuff that God is working in me that is yet to be finished. but fortunately because of who He is i can actually look at the crap in my life or in my heart and admit that those things are there. it doesn't change my worth. it doesn't change the way God sees me. He loves me and keeps loving me and he already knew all that stuff was there. He wants to bring life to those places of death.

so, yes, this is me verbally processing and working through this all. or at least beginning to let God's grace work in those dark places. :-)

milk?

milk. i am one of the many people who is lactose intolerant. meaning my body and milk don't agree.

and, unfortunately, i am hypersensitive to lactose, aka the protein in milk. it doesn't as much matter the quantity. if it's there, my body will let me know. butter, cheese, ice cream, cream, dry milk, whey, you name it, if it contains milk, or whey, or lactose, it is no good.

there are some combinations that are a little less painful, like cheese and wine. somehow the wine helps the digestion of the cheese. and sometimes, from time to time, sometimes with reason and some not, i decide that the joys of a tasty dessert, not inconveniencing my dinner hosts, or some tasty spanish cheese outweigh the affects and repercussions my indulgence will have on my little stomach.

as i said, sometimes i have sound reasoning and sometimes i am a bit diluted. every once and awhile i just decide to pretend that milk doesn't in fact bother me, somehow in my deranged logic thinking that mind over matter will help out.

so, take for instance this past sunday. my kind roommate anna made chocolate chip cookies, really good chocolate chip cookies. but chocolate chip cookies choked full of butter and milk chocolate. not really a good mix.

i woke up and my stomach still hurt a bit from something i ate the night before, which must have had some milk somewhere in it, so i thought, "oh, who cares." i never eat anna's cookies and for what ever reason this day they sounded INCREDIBLE! so i grabbed two and as another roommate adeline looked at me oddly i said, "oh well, my stomach already hurts. this might make it worse, but it already is upset."

they were yummy. and before i left for some planning meetings i grabbed two more. yum!

i then was at basically two days of planning meetings setting the direction for ágape madrid and (again, since my stomach was already upset and i didn't want to offend my host and i was hungry) ate some of the cheese and crackers they had out. and again it was good. somehow, it bothered me but i had a mild reaction.

and the saga continued for a few days. my stomach was already upset and i was tired of denying myself the pleasures of milk (mainly just cheese and chocolate chip cookies) so i didn't. it wasn't non-stop gluttony, just a piece of cheese here and there.

it is now thursday and while it hasn't been continual, the last cookie i had last night is still causing havoc on my body and is not just a milk reaction, it is full out war. so, i think it's over. yes, as always, i come back to the fact that it really does make the whole world a much better place if i don't have milk, at least for awhile. sad, sad, sad.

cafe con soja

okay, while i am blogging away about random and not so randomness... and while i am up entirely too late... i might as well blog about coffee and crazy randomness. i just came across this picture and love it. it makes me think of espresso, which i also love.

this is also on my mind because i met up with some students for lunch and then coffee today. ironically we went to foster's hollywood (an american restaurant) and then starbucks. they weren't my picks, but just a bit ironic and fun. first of all at lunch, miriam started to pick off the oats from the bread of her sandwich and said, "Alba (me in spanish), this looks like something you would like. It just looks so, um..." "healthy? (i said)" "yeah (her)"

then a bit later, as we sat drinking our coffees in the middle of this mall, one of the girls, irene, looked over at me and said, "Isn't Alba just so... um... sana (healthy) or um... natural. Yeah, you're just so natural. And you like everything healthy."

so, now that i'm writing about randomness and coffee, this whole conversation is coming back to mind... by the way, here is a little picture of miriam, yoana, irene, and ana. marta, natán, and i were there, but somehow they must have left before we started taking pictures and i am taking the picture.




it is kind of funny and a little out of the ordinary. i grew up in a very granola, health food family.

my mom made everything from scratch. we bought a lot of our food from a health food coop. we had a decent size garden most summers along with fruit trees. we lived in the suburbs, but had a compost pile and such before it was cool.

i didn't have refined sugar until i was three (only fruit juice & honey). i didn't have soda until i was in fifth grade and then thought it was gross. i remember in third grade designing the "ideal" cereal and was sure that mine would win. the big thing to catch people's attention was "NO SUGAR ADDED," "NO ARTIFICIAL COLORS OR FLAVORS," "ALL NATURAL." i had no clue why i didn't win, no clue. obviously mine was by far the best. what else, whenever the neighborhood kids would go to 7-11 to buy candy the once or twice i bought a chocolate bar (the only candy i actually like, strange, i know) i felt so guilty (thinking i had done something wrong) that i threw it away. truth be told, my mom wouldn't have cared, but in my mind junk food was bad, morally bad.

through high school and college i worked at health food stores, was planning to get an m.d. and some sort of natural healing degree to balance things out, and helped start "vegitarian action" at mizzou. truth be told, coming to spain, i was a bit overboard in terms of healthy eating. i still love healthy food, but don't think (or feel) it's morally wrong to add sugar to my coffee, to for that matter drink coffee, or to eat things that aren't necessarily good for you (within balance). i know this is odd, but it is in fact my life.

so, anyway, i came to spain wanting to serve others and willing to eat whatever was given to me (and assuming that probably meant eating meat). pretty quickly i figured out that there was virtually no vegitarian food in sevilla, at least not easily found at a café. everything labeled "vegetarian" came with tuna and a fried egg on top. so, i began to eat the way i normally would at home, but to eat fish, seafood, jamon serrano (spanish ham, like prosciutto), chorizo,... when i was out or at a friend's house. now truth be told i have begun to think about becoming a vegitarian again, not because i dislike meat (that actually never was the case), but that is another post for another time. as far as spain goes and as far as animal rights here, i really need to look into things more. it seems that animals are much more likely to actually run around and live a normal life. so, i feel better about eating meat here than i do in the US. but, as i said, i should probably look more into this.

also, in moving to sevilla, as i got used to the late nights, the sleepiness that comes after a big 2-course lunch, and the many appointments over coffee, i began to drink café sólo (or espresso). the most common thing would have been café con leche, but since i am lactose intolerant, i opted for pure espresso. and i must say it is awfully good. it didn't take long to enjoy it. and i haven't been the same since.

i mean i still love just about anything healthy, but also love a good soy cappichino.

and while i'm not much of a fan of american watered down coffee (i learned to drink espresso coffee in spain and that is what i like), i love the smell of an open bag of coffee (which by the way, if it's spanish, smells like chocolate - really - and just fyi, the best kind in my opinion is saimaza natural). and i love my regular café con soja.

the mornings i make coffee, i brew my delicious coffee in a nice cafetera on the stove. i put a bit of soymilk in an italian frother (which unlike the fully silver one to the right has a cool green handle and plunger). i have to say that it is one of the best cappichino con soja i've had. i don't have it every morning, but recently it's been more often than not. and then i generally have a café sólo (espresso) after lunch to help me wake up from the food induced sleep of lunch.

so, all that to say, i like coffee, particularly espresso or a good soy cappichino.