Sleeplessness... and random ramblings..

Unfortunately, I am wide awake at 2:45 am and part of my unablity to fall asleep is the neighbor's tv BLARING through the wall. It's actually not an uncommon occurrence, but usually I just pray, ask the Lord to help me sleep and then just begin to talk to God, and somewhere in the midst, I eventually fall asleep. Not tonight.

Somehow his tv, which ironically sounds like Pekín Express a show I really like, has enough fluctuations in tone and noise that I can't help but to listen to it. And it's, as usual, turned up pretty loud. I'm guessing he is actually asleep, or fading in and out of sleep as it seems is common for old men.

So... I'm blogging for a bit and then will try to go to sleep. Hmm... or maybe I'll try to finish my book, which only has about 20 pages left. I have energy to get up and do something, but if I do that it's doubtful I'll get to sleep before 4 o 5. I'm turning into my brother. Oh, the joys of sharing a wall with an insomniac neighbor with hearing problems.

Okay, now they're singing "La Bamba" on the tv. Honestly I'm more humored than frustrated. I just know rationally that I should be sleeping instead of typing and yet half want to turn on the tv and find the show he's watching, but it's nearly impossible for me to fall asleep to something I'm actually somewhat interested in, unless I'm dead tired. Okay, enough rambling for now.

Okay... so some commercials are now on and just a couple notes from a completely unrelated song now have "we used to wait" in my head by Arcade Fire. I actually love the song but have a feeling I'm going to fall asleep with it in my head. Oh, wait. Now a clip of Lady Gaga's "bad romance" just came on. Oh, now he's switching channels... a game show... changing again... a cooking show? at 2:55am? really? Well, this is much lest dynamic...I can probably sleep to this. Oh, shoot, now we're on news, I think. Probably also good sleeping tv. We'll see... This may not be exciting to read, but I'm fairly humored by my play-by-play of the neighbor's late night tv watching through the noise of my bedroom wall. Now we're back on commercials, which as always are louder than the normal tv noises. But at least we're on a talk show or some news sort of show. Should be good for sleeping. Night.

Note: Yoshitomo Nara is the artist of the picture above, one of my sister's favorite artists and actually one i like a lot too. this piece is called sleepless, which seemed appropriate.

the farmer and the dell?

It is 1:30am and I should be asleep. My roommate leaves tomorrow on a plane for the US for Christmas and I am driving her to the airport nice and early. And yet I am not asleep. And neither are my neighbors (which in part why I haven't yet hit the hay). Upstairs I keep on hearing a kid's toy play "The Farmer in the Dell" in Spanish of course and accompanied by a 3yr old or so's voice. Now the TV is also on upstairs, or at least I think it's upstairs, and there are also adult voices. At least the little girl is no longer crying. And then next door are two old men talking in deep gruff voices. That is a bit more normal, but it's been awhile since I've heard such a lively night like this. 1:30am in Madrid and time to get some shut-eye.

peace and quiet

so... i am beyond the point of exhaustion. last night i went to a wedding, so got back at 4:30am and then got up at noon to go to church. it hasn't helped that i haven't gotten much sleep this week. and somehow tonight was the night that my roommates decided to have a few (25+) friends over for dinner. somehow i wish i would have thought through the whole thing more fully and asked them not to, but i didn't. so, while i did rest some today, was hoping to go to bed at least somewhat early. but, the dinner party ended up being a semi-large party and unfortunately i left some bongos in the living room, so in addition to the loud music & such, there were bongos.

now, i like people and parties, unless i am beyond sleep deprived. to the point where i am not really sure if i am awake or asleep, can't think clearly and all i want to do is sleep... so instead of sleeping i am not writing, so i get my frustration and anger (whether rightly directed or not) out. somehow i've realized that i value (sometimes a bit too much) both courteousy (for neighbors and roommates - here myself - and most other people), particularly as it relates to bothering someone with noise. and when i am completely exhausted, i value quietness and space and aloneness. more than anything i want to sleep, read, or watch a movie by myself with complete silence (except for any noise i choose to add). what i want is control over my surroundings. somehow this has been one of those things that i have very much NOT had this year. some of that is good, but some of that has just made me all the more long for a home that is mine. a home where i can control fully (or near to fully what it looks like, it's cleanliness, and when there are lots of people around and when there are not).

i want to be flexible. or more exactly, i want to appreciate the many people around when they are around and such, but if i am exhausted i don't.

yes, some of this is purely selfish and some of it is the mere fact that i am a normal person who needs her space at times and the pure fact that i am no longer twenty years old and the fact that, yes, i do have to get up and go to work tomorrow (even if tomorrow most of my work will be done in my apartment). it isn't the same as when i was twenty years old and it is not the same when my responsibilities solely consisted in getting a degree.

i want to be gracious and want to just go with the flow, but right now i just want to be selfish and have my house the way i want my house. i want these people to leave, i want to kick them all out and sleep. or at least kick them out and do what I want to do. at the same time, i don't want to be unreasonable and imposing. i do want my roommates to have space and to be able to have their friends around, but also want to have the same. the hardest thing about this year, has been that our expectations and desires for our house are very different things. and most of it comes down to the fact that, yes, i am thirty-one and they are twenty - ten years difference. they want to live the vida loca and i want a refuge, i want a home, a place of tranquility and, yes, a place to have people over (sometimes lots of people), but to have a balance of the two. they want to go out everyday of the week and experience the experiences of life abroad with no rules. they want to get up at two in the afternoon and stay out 'til 4 am. and i, on the other hand, have a job and responsibilities and, while it doesn't have a normal 9 to 5 schedule, i do need sleep, i do need to get up at a decent hour, and i do enjoy my sleep.

so, yes, i am complaining, complaining more than i wish and complaining more than i wish i felt. but it is much better out than inside. it is now 0:35 (or 12:35 in the morning). i'm going to wait until 1am and if they haven't left to go to the club they were headed too, i am going to ask them to leave. while i want to make the excuse that they are bothering the neighbors, the reality is that few people in spain go to bed before midnight. yes, 12:35 on a sunday night is a bit late, but it still seems a bit early to kick everyone out and make my roommates mad. (i think the equivalent in the US would be at 11pm or even 10:30pm.)

gosh, i sooo long for some space of my own. i love having roommates and i love having lots of people around, but sometime i just want peace and quiet. no, i can't control my neighbors and i can't control much of life, but it is a nice thing to have some control over your own apartment, or at least on a sunday night when you are tired, exhausted, and just desiring some time alone.

random thoughts & happenings from today

so... first thought is from an older man i ended up talking to on the bus on the way home from Cobeña (a small town outside of madrid, where i have a meeting about every thursday morning). apparently the lilies you see pictured here are calla lilies (or calas, in spanish), they aren't peace lilies, while i'm sure they are related.

i'll have to write more another time about the adventures he told me about before he retired. oh, and by the way, he had a whole huge bouquet of calas he had taken from his garden in their country home to take to his wife who was ill in their home in the city. it didn't sound like she was doing too well, but the flowers were beautiful! oh, and to give you an idea of their size, they were about the size (each) of my two hands cupped together. now granted my hands aren't huge, but still. and their stem was about the circumference of a nickel or quarter. and he had at least 8-10 of them, along with some of their large, rich green leaves. very beautiful.
---

another random thought is that i am somewhat insane. as i'm learning about myself, somehow i have crazy ideas that seem fully possible and reasonable to take on (or maybe i just don't really think about whether or not it is reasonably possible, i think i like the challenge of doing the impossible). so, somehow i decided it would be a great idea to MAKE my dress for the wedding i am going to on saturday. i didn't really like any of the dresses i have. so, i figured i could try to make one.

i bought fabric and thread and such on tuesday morning, cut out half of the pieces yesterday, cut out the rest today and began sewing. now truth be told, I am just about done. i have to finish the skit part of the dress, put in the zipper, and then just make sure it all lays right and fits me. oh, and i need to buy some shoes as well. i have no idea where the time actually came from to do this, but considering it is now 2:00 am, it makes a bit more sense. (by the way, if it turns out the way i hope, it should be really cute. it should look more or less like the picture above, but with a green lining, like an olive green, and then a shimmery golden green semi-sheer overlayer. it looks a bit more formal than the pictured dress and should be at least fairly long. and if it turns well, i'll most likely post a picture. :-))

as i said before, i beginning to really enjoy my sewing machine i got this summer. and while i may be mildly insane, more often than not these crazy ideas actually pull through. (like when kelly and i decided to catch up with some guys who were heading to the mountains in santiago, chile. we had no idea where we were going, but i figured we could figure it out and that asking some of the locals would eventually get us there. long story short, we actually ended up ahead of the guys (who had left at least an hour and a half earlier) and did in fact make it to the rocky mountain that we also ended up sliding down (unintentionally) about half way. it was a fun, crazy time that i actually really miss.)

---

in addition to the older man with the flowers, i also met a guy from israel on the metro (which i took after the bus to get home) who asked me for directions. apparently he owns a hostel in nicaragua, likes to take pictures, somehow had a couple day layover in rio de janeiro, had 4 hours to spare in madrid before heading back to hypha, israel, for passover. interesting guy. we talked in spanish for a bit and then when he realized i was an american we finished talking in english.

---

another random thought... i probably should get some sleep.

pure exhaustion

It's funny because it just occurred to me that I started another post about a week ago entitled "sleep, or lack thereof" and never got around to finishing it.

I must say that this has been quite a week. It's been a great week, and while I am exhausted, it seems like that is just part of my life.

note: photo taken from http://www.bunrab.com/photohutch/ichioka_photos/ichioka_phgal.html from a set of photos on sleep