café y nieves (coffee & snow)

on the way home from campus (UCM) today, i decided to stop by starbucks to spend some time with the Lord, process life, and possibly study a bit for my driving test. i sat there awhile enjoying my cappichino con soja, a muffin, and studying the book of matthew (in the Bible). i processed some thoughts i've had from the past few days of spending time with the team who came from the states.

an older woman eventually wandered over to the corner i was in and sat down with her mug of coffee. sensing that the Lord wanted me to talk with her, i mentioned how cold it was in the coffeeshop. we then talked about the weather for awhile, i asked her if she lived around the area and she said no. she said that she comes everyday to this starbucks to get coffee, go to mass at the church right by, and then stop by el corte inglés (a department store) all within a block of each other.

i asked her about the church and why she went there versus one closer to where she lived. pretty quickly we began talking about Jesus and the gospel and what it means to really know him. she said that God is the one who has never failed her. that he is the one who understands our finiteness and is quick to forgive. she talked about how having a relationship with him has changed her life. she said she liked this church in particular because they realize that the gospel is for NOW and that God wants us to experience eternal life NOW, not just after we die.

she said that it also changes how she treats others because each person is precious to the Lord and of great value in his eyes, so she should treat them as such. anyway, it was really encouraging and fun. i can't say that it's a normal occurrence to meet someone like that here in madrid, particularly someone of her age. it was fun and an unexpected little surprise. :-)

oh, and her name is nieves (snow). i may just start dropping by that starbucks more often (i'd never been there before).

music & nature

the past four days my life has been consumed with attending to the details and people involved with three concerts we put together in three very different venues by a world- renowned pianist and messianic jew, sam rotman. he is absolutely amazing and his music is breathtaking.

while all three concerts were magical, the one that sticks out most in my mind was sunday afternoon (5-7pm). it was held in the garden of a wealthy and very generous business couple's home. they live a bit outside of madrid and their estate is elevated a bit on a hill where you have the perfect view of the mountain range to the northwest of madrid.

so sam began to play pieces by beethoven, debussy, rachmaninoff, chopin, and schubert. before each set of songs he gave some history or explained the songs. for example with "the sunken cathedral" by debussy, he talked about how we'd hear a sunken cathedral and then 3 bells would sound, the water would stir, and the cathedral would emerge in grandiose spender, after some time it would descend back into the water, the water would stir again and then become still, the bells would sound and the it would return to the way it was before. and then when you listened to him, that is precisely what took place. amazing.

so the day in the garden, sam is playing, but in addition to his music nature seemed to be responding as well. when he played the deep, low notes with force, the thunder sounded (really!) to the point that i was sure it was going to rain. when he played some of the more playful trills the dog that was there began to jump and run across the yard. when the piano began to soften, the birds began to chirp melodically. and when the piano played turbulent sounds, the wind blew causing some of the fabric surrounding us to dance and move almost in sync with the music. then at the end when sam finished, he shared his story of how he had grown up and how he had come to know the messiah Yeshua, or Jesus, and then play one final song, the sun came out and illuminated where we were. it was pretty amazing. as if the Lord was directing all of creation and that sam and the piano were just one piece of it all.

the sunset then came, lighting the mountains and bringing a multitude of colors to the sky. it was definitely a great night.

my little walk home...

hmm... i am half asleep, but just wanted to comment on my little walk home...

so, it is now close to 11:30pm, or 23:30, and i am just getting home. i left somewhere around 8am and have spent most of the day either at the airport waiting for people, on the phone while riding to and from the airport or somewhere related, or going through and revising the schedule for the next few days with people. the past three days there has been an exhibit on the jewish roots of cobeña (a small town outside of madrid) and tomorrow begins three days of concerts with sam rotman, a world-renowned expert on beethoven and incredible classical pianist who is also a messianic jew and the son of holocaust survivors. it should be a good time - one concert in cobeña, one a private garden party, and the final one in an amazing venue in the center of madrid (círculo de bellas artes). anyway, i'm getting away a bit from my point...

so, in the midst of this crazy day i was reminded of God's very near presence and the tenderness with which he cares for me. first of all, i just have to say that some of the people i work with are truly amazing. it's nice to be cared for even in the midst of a crazy day. that thanks to mac, a friend who runs the music ministry and who is getting married to a friend in november.

then as i went to debrief a journalist here from germany (who will be covering the whole weekend also writing about the various ágape ministries in madrid) my cell phone died and by God's grace i found my way to the home at which he is staying and stumbled upon a health food store with my favorite (and by the way incredible) natural soy yogurt. i was famished, so bought it and ate it once i got to the house. then, richard, the guy who is hosting bill, the journalist, as we were leaving told me to take anything i wanted (food-wise). i said i was fine and he then said, "do you want a shot before you go?" i said no and then he asked if i wanted some port. well, it didn't take much for me to say yes to that. so he poured the three of us small glasses of port (it's kind of strong, but tasty stuff). and, richard and twinky (his wife)'s home is absolutely incredible. the sun came in the windows just the right way, they have enough plants to make if feel like you are outside (mixed with the windows), and twinky is an absolutely amazing painter. their house is filled with paintings she has done of her beautiful daughters and of various other things. absolutely breathtaking and peaceful. and definitely the breathe of fresh air i needed today.

so then i returned with bill to meet the others to walk around briefly before solving a few more problems (i was the official personal assistant to the whole crew today, and i suppose for the weekend) and heading to dinner (which was a hit).

we headed to dinner and karen, one of the gals in the team with sam, the pianist, continues to go on and on about how great i am and how on a scale of 1-10 that i've been an 30+. suffice it to say that since words mean a lot to me, my tiredness was the farthest thing from my mind.

we ate incredible spanish tapas (which isn't hard to to in the center of madrid), had some great wine, and had some great conversation. then we headed back to their hotel, where there were apples out (which i love, when the front desk has them out) and we ended up talking to the waiter in the café in the hotel for a bit about wine and such. oh, and did i add that karen insisted on paying for me, which is something else i love (particularly when it's good food and totally unexpected, but hugely appreciated).

then i began my relaxing, unwinding walk home. and i began to think about how well the Lord takes care of me. i walked past cibeles, down the castellana, past colon and the fountains, and then up sagasta a ways. it's about a 30-45 minute walk, more or less. and the weather was absolutely perfect.

as i walked back there were some scantily clad teenage girls drinking and smoking pot (having a botellón) there on a bench on the castillana, there were the fair number of couples going to town, and the normal revelry of a friday night. it made my heart go out to them and made me think a bit about things i try to fill myself up with instead of the Lord. they may seem like "better" things, but essentially it is me trying to be self-sufficient and to live without needing God. in that sense it is exactly the same.

and then i again thought, "but, Lord, why in the world do i try to fill myself with other things when you know exactly what i need and want. and you take such good care of me." good question.

i continued to walk and just take in all the beauty of my surroundings, as i thought and replayed the day. so, anyway... while i am a bit delirious from lack of sleep, and much of this may either be rambling and/or nonsensical, i thought i'd at least write a little bit about my day and about how good the Lord is to me. how he cares for me as a husband would - protecting, providing, wooing me, caring for my needs unconditionally, loving me, delighting in me, reminding me of what he thinks of me, etc., amazing!

here are a few passages that came to mind as i was thinking about all of this:


"...forget your people and your father's house. The King is enthralled with your beauty, honor Him for he is your God." Psalm 45:10-11

"He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young." Isaiah 40:11

"For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called." Isaiah 54:5

"He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul. he leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake... Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:3,6

"the Lord is near to those who trust Him, to those who call on him in truth."

bienaventurados

"Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: 'Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when others revive you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltinesss be restored? It is no longer good for anything except to be thrown away and trampled under people's feet.

You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:1-20 (ESV)
---

"Cuando Jesús vio a las multitudes, subió al monte; y después de sentarse, Sus discípulos se acercaron a El. Y abirendo Su boca, les enseñaba, diciendo:

'Bienaventurados (Felices) los pobres en espíritu, pues de ellos es el reino de los cielos. Bienaventurados los que lloran, pues ellos serán consolados. Bienaventurados los humildes, pues ellos heradarán la tierra. Bienaventurados los que tienen hambre y sed de justicia, pues ellos serán saciados. Bienaventurados los misericordiosos, pues ellos recibirán misericordia. Bienaventurados los de limpio corazón, pues ellos verán a Dios. Bienaventurados los que procuran la paz, pues ellos serán llamados hijos de Dios. Bienaventurados aquéllos que han sido perseguidos por causa de la justicia, pues de ellos es el reino de los cielos. Bienaventurados seráis cuando os insulten o persigan, y digan todo género de mal contra vosotros falsamente, por causa de Mí. Regocijados y alegrados, porque la recompensa de vosotros en los cielos es grande, porque así persiguieron a los profetas que fueron antes que vosotros.

Vosotros sois la sal de la tierra; pero si la sal se ha vuelto insípida, ¿con qué se hará salada otra vez? Ya no sierve para nada, sino para ser echada fuera y pisoteada por los hombres.

Vosotros sois la luz del mundo. Una ciudad situada sobre un monte no se puede ocultar; ni se enciende una lámpara y se pone debajo de una vasija (un almud), sino sobre el candelero, y alumbra a todos los que están en la casa. Así brille la luz de vosotros delandte de los hombres, para que vean vuestras buenas acciones y glorifiquen a vuestro Padre que está en los cielos.'" Mateo 5.1-20 (BDLA)


Note: Just some stuff I've been reading and thinking about recently

home sweet home - "de madrid al cielo"

there is a saying in madrid, "de madrid al cielo" (from madrid to heaven). what is meant is that it doesn't get any better than madrid. now i definitely am a bit fan, but am not quite sure i'd go that far.

having said that... i spent most of my day outside of madrid in a suburb and a small town outside of madrid (mostoles y cobeña respectfully) and spent more than a little on buses, trains, a car, and the metro. more than ever i was wishing i already had both my driver's license and a car. so... i took the train back into madrid, got off at recoletos (by colón) and walked home. i walked out of the train station onto the castillana (a huge 5 lane street that goes through the center of madrid, past cibeles and the major museums, etc) and thought, "ah, por fin, vuelvo a casa!" ("ah, home sweet home").

and it seemed a bit ironic after having been out in cobeña, a very quiet and tiny town, and mostoles, a suburb where people live who don't want to live in the city. yet despite the hustle and bustle, everything felt familiar, i'm used to traffic noise, i actually like all the people around (in part because it's fun to people watch and i enjoy walking quickly down the street). so, madrid is my little home. at least for now.

amazing!

while a bit gross at first, isn't this picture AMAZING! i mean, really. there are these many little baby frogs, just about fully developed in this goo. truly amazing!

basically, i just wanted to share the picture, but it also makes me think of some friends who are pregnant right now and whose babies are starting to visibly kick. it is pretty amazing. and it makes it a bit more real that there is actually a little person in their stomach. pretty crazy and pretty amazing.

world newsbites

(taken from the National Geographic webpage)

Budapest, Hungary, April 16, 2008—Citygoers light candles at the "memorial of shoes" along the Danube River in downtown Budapest.

The solemn occasion marked Hungarian Holocaust Day—the anniversary of the date when members of Hungary's ruling Nazi party shot Jews into the Danube at this location in 1944.

Hungary was an official ally of the Axis powers during World War II and shipped hundreds of thousands of Jews to their eventual deaths during the fighting. The country fell to the Soviet Army in 1945 during its drive to Berlin.

Phnom Penh, Cambodia, April 17, 2008—Skulls of victims are on display at a "killing fields" memorial at Choeung Ek outside of the capital city.

Hundreds of survivors of the brutal Khmer Rouge Communist regime, which killed as many as 1.5 million Cambodians between 1975 and 1979, gathered at the memorial on the anniversary of the government's collapse.

books, more books, and driving school

it just occurred to me today that i have quite the stack of books i have begun recently, not to mention that i need to finish reading and studying my driving school book. and all that before i head back to the US for a month+, the end of may. the driving school book may seem minimal (when you think of the little dinky book you read for your driving test in the states, or at least the one i did), but let me assure you that it is not. the written driving test here is quite meticulous and thorough, as is the book. many people fail it at leas the first time. and then the actual driving test is designed so that you will fail as well. (somehow it is a huge money making business here where most people spend 1500 euros, at least. i actually know a girl who spent 7000+ on hers.) so, my just taking a month and a half to complete it and a mere 250-300 euros is going to be a bit of a challenge. (granted i do know how to drive, but i know plenty of americans who have spent just as much.)

a book on pleasing people

what got me thinking about my tendency to seek to please people was an excerpt a friend shared with me today. somehow it has been on my mind on and off most of the evening, my desire for people to like me and approve me as a person, a fear of man instead of a fear of God. ironically, or providentially, i borrowed this book from another friend because the title intrigued me. but now i'm going to actually start reading it, because it seems applicable, more than i wish it were. hmmm... so, i'll let you know what i think once i get into it.

here's a little excerpt:

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. - Proverbs 29:25

If needing or fearing people is as universal a problem as it seems, then we would expect Scripture to be filled with rich descriptions and in-depth teaching about it. And that is exactly what you find. One of the Bible's dominant questions is, Whom will you fear (need, be controlled by)? Will you fear God or people? Scripture gives three basic reasons why we fear other people...

1. We fear people because they can expose and humiliate us.
2. We fear people because they can reject, ridicule, or despise us.
3. We fear people because they can attack, oppress, or threaten us.

These three reasons have one thing in common: they see people as "bigger" (that is, more powerful and significant) than God, and, out of the fear that creates in us, we give other people the power and right to tell us what to feel, think, and do."

in desperate need of God's grace and mercy

"Así pues, ahora no hay ya ninguna condenación para los que están unidos a Cristo Jesús, porque la ley del Espíritu que da vida en Cristo Jesús te ha liberado de la ley del pecado y de la muerte. Porque Dios ha hecho lo que no pudo hacer la ley de Moisés, que era incapaz de hacerlo a causa de la debilidad humana: Dios envió a su Hijo en la misma débil condición del hombre pecador y como sacrificio por el pecado...

...los que viven sometidos a los deseos de la débil condición humana no pueden agradar a Dios...

...Y si el Espíritu de aquel que resucitó a Jesús vive en vosotros, el mismo que resucitó a Cristo dará nueva vida a vuestros cuerpos mortales por medio del Espíritu de Dios que vive en vosotros...

...Todos los que son guiado por el Espíritu de Dios son hijos de Dios. Pues no habéis recibido un espíritu de esclavitud que os lleve ora vez a tener miedo, sino el Espíritu que os hace hijos de Dios. Por este Espíritu nos dirigimos a Dios, diciendo: '¡Abbá!, ¡Padre!'" (Romanos 8:1-3,8,11,14-15)

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus form the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit...

... Those who are in the flesh cannot please God... If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you...

...For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry out, 'Abba! Father!'"(Romans 8:1-5,8,11,14-15)

"Humillaos, pues, bajo la poderosa mano de Dios, para que él os enaltezca a su debido tiempo. Dejad todas vuestras preocupaciónes a Dios, porque él se preocupa de vosotros." (1 Pedro 5:6-7)

"Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God that he may exalt you at the proper time. Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)


"Yo soy quien te manda que tengas valor y firmeza. No tengas miedo ni te desanimes, porque yo, tu Señor y Dios, estaré contigo dondequiera que vayas." (Josué 1:9)

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

---
so, it is ironic that last night I would write about God's grace. because today, or at least this evening, I have been struck by my great need for God's mercy and grace.

somehow i am a perfectionist. not in all things, not all the time, but somehow in the way i act toward others and in who i am as a person, somehow i have the misconception that i should be perfect. and when i am struck by the reality that i am not perfect, or haven't been what i wish i had been, then i feel horrible. a mess. a disaster. and somehow God's grace and his sacrifice doesn't seem like enough or like it pertains to me.

that was where i was stuck for awhile today, after talking with one of my roommates. i so want to be perfect, which if i think about it realistically is not really what i want because i want to be a real person, an alive person. yet i don't want to be imperfect. and i hate when i mess up, hurt someone or let someone down. ahhh!!!


so, as i began to want to find someone else to blame and as i wanted to pull away from my roommate emotionally, fortunately in God's grace it occurred to me that what was going on is that i felt bad and that i felt like crap and i wanted to make some kind of excuse to justify myself and to make it not my fault or my imperfection. but in this moment, in God's grace, the scripture above came to mind. it is for all of these reasons that I need Jesus. and it is for all of these reasons that Jesus' death and resurrection give me life and free me from living under the condemnation of myself or another. in Christ i am a new creation, i have a new heart, i have a new spirit that desires what is right, and i have a new identity. i am holy and i am perfect in God's sight. amazing! absolutely amazing!

so, yes, i am still very much in process and, yes, there is stuff that God is working in me that is yet to be finished. but fortunately because of who He is i can actually look at the crap in my life or in my heart and admit that those things are there. it doesn't change my worth. it doesn't change the way God sees me. He loves me and keeps loving me and he already knew all that stuff was there. He wants to bring life to those places of death.

so, yes, this is me verbally processing and working through this all. or at least beginning to let God's grace work in those dark places. :-)

apartheid

here is are a couple excerpts from "kaffir boy," a book i picked up that is an autobiography of a black boy growing up under apartheid in south africa. i'm not too far into it yet, but it is gripping.

"Much has been written and spoken about the politics of apartheid: the forced removals of black communities from their ancestral lands, the Influx Control and Pass laws that mandate where blacks can live, work, raise families, be buried; the migrant labour system that forces black men to live away from their families eleven months out of a year; the breaking up of black families in the ghettos as the authorities seek to create a so-called white South Africa; the brutal suppression of the black majority as it agitates for equal rights. But what does it all mean in human terms?

When I was growing up in Alexandra it meant hate, bitterness, hunger, pain, terror, violence, fear, dashed hopes and dreams. Today it still means the same for millions of black children who are trapped in the ghettos of South Africa, in a lingering nightmare of a racial system that in many respects resembles Nazism..."

"'Peri-Urban!' I gasped and stiffened at the name of the dreaded Alexandra Police Squad. To me nothing, short of a white man, was more terrifying; not even a bogeyman."

great quote

"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it." ~ G.K. Chesterton, Everlasting Man

songs about grace

"love is not against the law" - derek webb

(Vs. 1)
politics or love
can make you blind or make you see
make you a slave or make you free
but only one does it all

and it’s giving up your life
for the ones you hate the most
it’s giving them your gown
when they’ve taken your clothes

it’s learning to admit
when you’'ve had a hand in setting them up
in knocking them down

(chorus)
love is not against the law
love is not against the law

(vs. 2)
are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend

‘cause you cannot choose your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same

could you find a way
to love them both the same
to give them your name

(chorus)
love is not against the law
love is not against the law
---

"my enemies are just like me" - derek webb

I have come to give you life
And to show you how to live it
I have come to make things right
To heal their ears and show you how to forgive them

Because I would rather die
I would rather die
I would rather die
Than to take your life

How can I kill the ones I'm supposed to love
My enemies are men like me
I will protest the sword if it's not wielded well
My enemies are men like me

Peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication
It's like telling someone murder is wrong
And then showing them by way of execution

When justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war
The ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor
---

"a new law" - derek webb

(vs. 1)
don’t teach me about politics and government
just tell me who to vote for
don’t teach me about truth and beauty
just label my music

don’t teach me how to live like a free man
just give me a new law

(pre-chorus)
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren'’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me

(chorus)
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law

(vs. 2)
don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
i prefer a shot of grape juice

don’t teach me about loving my enemies

don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
just give me a new law

(pre-chorus)
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren'’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me

(chorus)
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law

(bridge)
what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything
do not be afraid
do not be afraid
do not be afraid
---

Let The Name Of God Be High (Psalm 113)
written by Don Chaffer; performed by Derek Webb

All of you who call yourselves the children of God
Lift His name to the high place in your hearts

From the moment the sun rises
From the place it crests the earth
To the moment the sun sets, and
To the place it slips into the sea

Let the name of God be high
Let the name of God be high
In the hearts of His people
Let the name of God be high
Let the name of God be high
In the hearts of His people
Morning to evening
Midnight to noon

At this moment
And for all the moments that are yet to come
Let His name ascend in the hearts of His people

summer plans, part 2

so... my plane tickets are now bought. i will be in st.louis, lawrence, florida, north carolina (just for a weekend, for my cousin's wedding), chicago (for 2 hours on the way to st.louis), and philadelphia (for 6 hours on the way back to madrid) between may 21 and july 22.

the plan for now, is to fly to st.louis, head to lawrence, ks, for about a week to visit Grace EPC and folks there, spend the next week in st.louis, st.peters, st.charles, etc., and then head off to orlando, fl.

my dad's lending me his car, so i'll be driving from st.louis to orlando. i'll be there for a bit over a month, during which i'll go to charlie (my cousin's) wedding in charlotte, nc, hopefully see some friends who live in or near orlando, be coaching others heading overseas (the reason i'll be there), and hopefully make it to the beach a few times.

then i'll be back in STL for a week plus a bit and then i'll head back to madrid. (and on the way swing by philly to see my brother drew, thanks to a 6 hour layover.)

so, that's the plan.

some other thoughts on grace

Bono: "You see, at the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one. It's clear to me that Karma is at the very heart of the universe. I'm absolutely sure of it. And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that "as you reap, so you will sow" stuff. Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff...

...I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge. I'd be in deep s---. It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity.

Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: he was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. Christ says: No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: "I'm the Messiah." I'm saying: "I am God incarnate... I know you're expecting me to come back with an army, and set you free from these creeps, but actually I am the Messiah. So what you're left with is: either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase... The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me, that's farfetched …

...I love the idea of the Sacrificial Lamb. I love the idea that God says: Look, you cretins, there are certain results to the way we are, to selfishness, and there's a mortality as part of your very sinful nature, and, let's face it, you're not living a very good life, are you? There are consequences to actions. The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death. That's the point. It should keep us humbled... It's not our own good works that get us through the gates of heaven.

If only we could be a bit more like Him, the world would be transformed. …When I look at the Cross of Christ, what I see up there is all my s--- and everybody else's. So I ask myself a question a lot of people have asked: Who is this man? And was He who He said He was, or was He just a religious nut? And there it is, and that's the question. And no one can talk you into it or out of it."
---

Lyrics to "Grace" by U2

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a wrapper on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hers
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stains

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything
---

"Lo esencial es invisible a los ojos." - from "The Little Prince"

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliott

thoughts on grace

i'm not quite sure how to write about this in a gracious way. one of my big pet peeves with present-day "christianity" at times (i use the quotes because it is how christianity is represented, but not what i believe is truly at its essence) is when it becomes about everything people are against, or a law of morality. when it becomes that instead of undeserved grace and looking into the face of God and His greatness and being changed by that.

the Gospel is much more about God and Jesus than it is about me or you or the guy down the street or next door or even in my own house or apartment who does or doesn't do what he should.

and yet, way too often instead of calling people to look at Jesus and to be awed and amazed by who He is, to see that HE is worth everything I have and am and ever could want, that He IS in fact the GREATEST thing, for which I would give the world, it seems like we call people to a bunch of rules, to a life of "goodness" just because we should.

but the problem is that God and who HE is is what motivates us to be all the things that please him. it is falling in love with him and wanting to follow him and to do what HE would most desire, not because we should or have to, but because it would be pleasing to him. it is realizing that he LOVES me and that HE delights in ME, not because of what I do for him, or what I do to try to please him, but just because. I have worth in his eyes because HE loves me, he DELIGHTS in me, just as I am. And HE desires the best for me.

I am neither perfect nor do I do or say all the right things, far from it. I seek to and desire to, but inevitably I fail and fall. but as i said before, when i think of the gospel and grace, i think about the fact that it is not so much about me, as it is about HIM. It is about a VERY perfect GOD who loves me and loves mankind. He loved us so much that he came to earth as a man, to help us to understand, to help us to see HIM. He came as a humble baby, one born in a manger, one who grew up and faced hardship, who faced being misunderstood, who faced being ridiculed, who faced being hurt and abandoned and alone, who chose to be subjected to the worst condemnation and suffering to set us free, to act on our behalf, to become what we couldn't be for ourselves. THAT is the amazing, awesome, powerful, grace-filled, loving, wonderful, tender GOD that I want to follow and that I want to please and that I love. HE is the one who is my God.

And it is for that reason that at times it infuriates me when he is misrepresented. AND for me worse of all when it comes from the church. It is why it infuriates me when i hear sermons who call us to follow a list of rules (whether they be in the positive or the negative) or when christians talk about everything others do wrong (in or outside of the church). it is why i think sermons should always cause us to come away in awe of GOD, not with a to do list. and it is why this morning as i heard a sermon on missions and obedience, i neither had any idea why the guy preaching would try to guilt people into giving more (of themselves and of their time and their money), when my GOD is MUCH more convincing. When I look at HIM, at least when I get even a glimpse of who HE is, I don't need someone to pressure me. I may need some direction and advice, or guidance or correction, but the desire to follow HIM and to give him all of my being comes not from my being all that great, nor from someone convincing me it is what I "should" do, but instead from the fact that there is nothing I would rather do. And I say that about things I would naturally desire to do, things I would naturally run from, and things that are so far from my natural nature that it is obvious that something supernatural and someone holy happens when I come into God's presence.

now even as i say this, i am aware of the unfortunate fact that while it may infuriate me when others misrepresent the gospel and God, that i at times do the same. and most often i do so by my attitude or actions toward others. i desire not to and trust that the Lord is and will continue to change me, but it is most evident the inconsistencies in my own life when it comes to situations with my family or my roommates or those that don't treat me as i think they should. obviously these are the things i don't particularly like to admit nor like others to see. but, while i am loved by God and while I love him, I still far too often forget that it isn't all about me and my goodness (or even my lack there of). I am made good by what Jesus did, not by my being any better than any one else.

wedding pics

so the wedding was great! but then i think it would be kind of hard to have a bad time at a spanish wedding. i figured i'd post a few pictures, so you can see my dress that turned out pretty well (i'm not a huge fan of the picture of me, but at least you see the dress).

peace and quiet

so... i am beyond the point of exhaustion. last night i went to a wedding, so got back at 4:30am and then got up at noon to go to church. it hasn't helped that i haven't gotten much sleep this week. and somehow tonight was the night that my roommates decided to have a few (25+) friends over for dinner. somehow i wish i would have thought through the whole thing more fully and asked them not to, but i didn't. so, while i did rest some today, was hoping to go to bed at least somewhat early. but, the dinner party ended up being a semi-large party and unfortunately i left some bongos in the living room, so in addition to the loud music & such, there were bongos.

now, i like people and parties, unless i am beyond sleep deprived. to the point where i am not really sure if i am awake or asleep, can't think clearly and all i want to do is sleep... so instead of sleeping i am not writing, so i get my frustration and anger (whether rightly directed or not) out. somehow i've realized that i value (sometimes a bit too much) both courteousy (for neighbors and roommates - here myself - and most other people), particularly as it relates to bothering someone with noise. and when i am completely exhausted, i value quietness and space and aloneness. more than anything i want to sleep, read, or watch a movie by myself with complete silence (except for any noise i choose to add). what i want is control over my surroundings. somehow this has been one of those things that i have very much NOT had this year. some of that is good, but some of that has just made me all the more long for a home that is mine. a home where i can control fully (or near to fully what it looks like, it's cleanliness, and when there are lots of people around and when there are not).

i want to be flexible. or more exactly, i want to appreciate the many people around when they are around and such, but if i am exhausted i don't.

yes, some of this is purely selfish and some of it is the mere fact that i am a normal person who needs her space at times and the pure fact that i am no longer twenty years old and the fact that, yes, i do have to get up and go to work tomorrow (even if tomorrow most of my work will be done in my apartment). it isn't the same as when i was twenty years old and it is not the same when my responsibilities solely consisted in getting a degree.

i want to be gracious and want to just go with the flow, but right now i just want to be selfish and have my house the way i want my house. i want these people to leave, i want to kick them all out and sleep. or at least kick them out and do what I want to do. at the same time, i don't want to be unreasonable and imposing. i do want my roommates to have space and to be able to have their friends around, but also want to have the same. the hardest thing about this year, has been that our expectations and desires for our house are very different things. and most of it comes down to the fact that, yes, i am thirty-one and they are twenty - ten years difference. they want to live the vida loca and i want a refuge, i want a home, a place of tranquility and, yes, a place to have people over (sometimes lots of people), but to have a balance of the two. they want to go out everyday of the week and experience the experiences of life abroad with no rules. they want to get up at two in the afternoon and stay out 'til 4 am. and i, on the other hand, have a job and responsibilities and, while it doesn't have a normal 9 to 5 schedule, i do need sleep, i do need to get up at a decent hour, and i do enjoy my sleep.

so, yes, i am complaining, complaining more than i wish and complaining more than i wish i felt. but it is much better out than inside. it is now 0:35 (or 12:35 in the morning). i'm going to wait until 1am and if they haven't left to go to the club they were headed too, i am going to ask them to leave. while i want to make the excuse that they are bothering the neighbors, the reality is that few people in spain go to bed before midnight. yes, 12:35 on a sunday night is a bit late, but it still seems a bit early to kick everyone out and make my roommates mad. (i think the equivalent in the US would be at 11pm or even 10:30pm.)

gosh, i sooo long for some space of my own. i love having roommates and i love having lots of people around, but sometime i just want peace and quiet. no, i can't control my neighbors and i can't control much of life, but it is a nice thing to have some control over your own apartment, or at least on a sunday night when you are tired, exhausted, and just desiring some time alone.

little creations

so, i did finish the dress for the wedding. now i just need to make a shawl to go with it. here are a few pictures of the dress. i'll get one later with it actually on me, but this gives you an idea.

it has an underlayer that is a sage green and then an overlayer that is sheer and goldish. and, i really like how it turned out, particularly the bodice. :-)

and there is a picture at the bottom of the other fabric i bought to make another dress or two...