home sweet home - "de madrid al cielo"

there is a saying in madrid, "de madrid al cielo" (from madrid to heaven). what is meant is that it doesn't get any better than madrid. now i definitely am a bit fan, but am not quite sure i'd go that far.

having said that... i spent most of my day outside of madrid in a suburb and a small town outside of madrid (mostoles y cobeña respectfully) and spent more than a little on buses, trains, a car, and the metro. more than ever i was wishing i already had both my driver's license and a car. so... i took the train back into madrid, got off at recoletos (by colón) and walked home. i walked out of the train station onto the castillana (a huge 5 lane street that goes through the center of madrid, past cibeles and the major museums, etc) and thought, "ah, por fin, vuelvo a casa!" ("ah, home sweet home").

and it seemed a bit ironic after having been out in cobeña, a very quiet and tiny town, and mostoles, a suburb where people live who don't want to live in the city. yet despite the hustle and bustle, everything felt familiar, i'm used to traffic noise, i actually like all the people around (in part because it's fun to people watch and i enjoy walking quickly down the street). so, madrid is my little home. at least for now.

amazing!

while a bit gross at first, isn't this picture AMAZING! i mean, really. there are these many little baby frogs, just about fully developed in this goo. truly amazing!

basically, i just wanted to share the picture, but it also makes me think of some friends who are pregnant right now and whose babies are starting to visibly kick. it is pretty amazing. and it makes it a bit more real that there is actually a little person in their stomach. pretty crazy and pretty amazing.

world newsbites

(taken from the National Geographic webpage)

Budapest, Hungary, April 16, 2008—Citygoers light candles at the "memorial of shoes" along the Danube River in downtown Budapest.

The solemn occasion marked Hungarian Holocaust Day—the anniversary of the date when members of Hungary's ruling Nazi party shot Jews into the Danube at this location in 1944.

Hungary was an official ally of the Axis powers during World War II and shipped hundreds of thousands of Jews to their eventual deaths during the fighting. The country fell to the Soviet Army in 1945 during its drive to Berlin.

Phnom Penh, Cambodia, April 17, 2008—Skulls of victims are on display at a "killing fields" memorial at Choeung Ek outside of the capital city.

Hundreds of survivors of the brutal Khmer Rouge Communist regime, which killed as many as 1.5 million Cambodians between 1975 and 1979, gathered at the memorial on the anniversary of the government's collapse.

books, more books, and driving school

it just occurred to me today that i have quite the stack of books i have begun recently, not to mention that i need to finish reading and studying my driving school book. and all that before i head back to the US for a month+, the end of may. the driving school book may seem minimal (when you think of the little dinky book you read for your driving test in the states, or at least the one i did), but let me assure you that it is not. the written driving test here is quite meticulous and thorough, as is the book. many people fail it at leas the first time. and then the actual driving test is designed so that you will fail as well. (somehow it is a huge money making business here where most people spend 1500 euros, at least. i actually know a girl who spent 7000+ on hers.) so, my just taking a month and a half to complete it and a mere 250-300 euros is going to be a bit of a challenge. (granted i do know how to drive, but i know plenty of americans who have spent just as much.)

a book on pleasing people

what got me thinking about my tendency to seek to please people was an excerpt a friend shared with me today. somehow it has been on my mind on and off most of the evening, my desire for people to like me and approve me as a person, a fear of man instead of a fear of God. ironically, or providentially, i borrowed this book from another friend because the title intrigued me. but now i'm going to actually start reading it, because it seems applicable, more than i wish it were. hmmm... so, i'll let you know what i think once i get into it.

here's a little excerpt:

"Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe. - Proverbs 29:25

If needing or fearing people is as universal a problem as it seems, then we would expect Scripture to be filled with rich descriptions and in-depth teaching about it. And that is exactly what you find. One of the Bible's dominant questions is, Whom will you fear (need, be controlled by)? Will you fear God or people? Scripture gives three basic reasons why we fear other people...

1. We fear people because they can expose and humiliate us.
2. We fear people because they can reject, ridicule, or despise us.
3. We fear people because they can attack, oppress, or threaten us.

These three reasons have one thing in common: they see people as "bigger" (that is, more powerful and significant) than God, and, out of the fear that creates in us, we give other people the power and right to tell us what to feel, think, and do."

in desperate need of God's grace and mercy

"Así pues, ahora no hay ya ninguna condenación para los que están unidos a Cristo Jesús, porque la ley del Espíritu que da vida en Cristo Jesús te ha liberado de la ley del pecado y de la muerte. Porque Dios ha hecho lo que no pudo hacer la ley de Moisés, que era incapaz de hacerlo a causa de la debilidad humana: Dios envió a su Hijo en la misma débil condición del hombre pecador y como sacrificio por el pecado...

...los que viven sometidos a los deseos de la débil condición humana no pueden agradar a Dios...

...Y si el Espíritu de aquel que resucitó a Jesús vive en vosotros, el mismo que resucitó a Cristo dará nueva vida a vuestros cuerpos mortales por medio del Espíritu de Dios que vive en vosotros...

...Todos los que son guiado por el Espíritu de Dios son hijos de Dios. Pues no habéis recibido un espíritu de esclavitud que os lleve ora vez a tener miedo, sino el Espíritu que os hace hijos de Dios. Por este Espíritu nos dirigimos a Dios, diciendo: '¡Abbá!, ¡Padre!'" (Romanos 8:1-3,8,11,14-15)

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus form the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit...

... Those who are in the flesh cannot please God... If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you...

...For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry out, 'Abba! Father!'"(Romans 8:1-5,8,11,14-15)

"Humillaos, pues, bajo la poderosa mano de Dios, para que él os enaltezca a su debido tiempo. Dejad todas vuestras preocupaciónes a Dios, porque él se preocupa de vosotros." (1 Pedro 5:6-7)

"Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God that he may exalt you at the proper time. Cast your cares on Him because He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:6-7)


"Yo soy quien te manda que tengas valor y firmeza. No tengas miedo ni te desanimes, porque yo, tu Señor y Dios, estaré contigo dondequiera que vayas." (Josué 1:9)

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

---
so, it is ironic that last night I would write about God's grace. because today, or at least this evening, I have been struck by my great need for God's mercy and grace.

somehow i am a perfectionist. not in all things, not all the time, but somehow in the way i act toward others and in who i am as a person, somehow i have the misconception that i should be perfect. and when i am struck by the reality that i am not perfect, or haven't been what i wish i had been, then i feel horrible. a mess. a disaster. and somehow God's grace and his sacrifice doesn't seem like enough or like it pertains to me.

that was where i was stuck for awhile today, after talking with one of my roommates. i so want to be perfect, which if i think about it realistically is not really what i want because i want to be a real person, an alive person. yet i don't want to be imperfect. and i hate when i mess up, hurt someone or let someone down. ahhh!!!


so, as i began to want to find someone else to blame and as i wanted to pull away from my roommate emotionally, fortunately in God's grace it occurred to me that what was going on is that i felt bad and that i felt like crap and i wanted to make some kind of excuse to justify myself and to make it not my fault or my imperfection. but in this moment, in God's grace, the scripture above came to mind. it is for all of these reasons that I need Jesus. and it is for all of these reasons that Jesus' death and resurrection give me life and free me from living under the condemnation of myself or another. in Christ i am a new creation, i have a new heart, i have a new spirit that desires what is right, and i have a new identity. i am holy and i am perfect in God's sight. amazing! absolutely amazing!

so, yes, i am still very much in process and, yes, there is stuff that God is working in me that is yet to be finished. but fortunately because of who He is i can actually look at the crap in my life or in my heart and admit that those things are there. it doesn't change my worth. it doesn't change the way God sees me. He loves me and keeps loving me and he already knew all that stuff was there. He wants to bring life to those places of death.

so, yes, this is me verbally processing and working through this all. or at least beginning to let God's grace work in those dark places. :-)

apartheid

here is are a couple excerpts from "kaffir boy," a book i picked up that is an autobiography of a black boy growing up under apartheid in south africa. i'm not too far into it yet, but it is gripping.

"Much has been written and spoken about the politics of apartheid: the forced removals of black communities from their ancestral lands, the Influx Control and Pass laws that mandate where blacks can live, work, raise families, be buried; the migrant labour system that forces black men to live away from their families eleven months out of a year; the breaking up of black families in the ghettos as the authorities seek to create a so-called white South Africa; the brutal suppression of the black majority as it agitates for equal rights. But what does it all mean in human terms?

When I was growing up in Alexandra it meant hate, bitterness, hunger, pain, terror, violence, fear, dashed hopes and dreams. Today it still means the same for millions of black children who are trapped in the ghettos of South Africa, in a lingering nightmare of a racial system that in many respects resembles Nazism..."

"'Peri-Urban!' I gasped and stiffened at the name of the dreaded Alexandra Police Squad. To me nothing, short of a white man, was more terrifying; not even a bogeyman."

great quote

"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it." ~ G.K. Chesterton, Everlasting Man

songs about grace

"love is not against the law" - derek webb

(Vs. 1)
politics or love
can make you blind or make you see
make you a slave or make you free
but only one does it all

and it’s giving up your life
for the ones you hate the most
it’s giving them your gown
when they’ve taken your clothes

it’s learning to admit
when you’'ve had a hand in setting them up
in knocking them down

(chorus)
love is not against the law
love is not against the law

(vs. 2)
are we defending life
when we just pick and choose
lives acceptable to lose
and which ones to defend

‘cause you cannot choose your friends
but you choose your enemies
and what if they were one
one and the same

could you find a way
to love them both the same
to give them your name

(chorus)
love is not against the law
love is not against the law
---

"my enemies are just like me" - derek webb

I have come to give you life
And to show you how to live it
I have come to make things right
To heal their ears and show you how to forgive them

Because I would rather die
I would rather die
I would rather die
Than to take your life

How can I kill the ones I'm supposed to love
My enemies are men like me
I will protest the sword if it's not wielded well
My enemies are men like me

Peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication
It's like telling someone murder is wrong
And then showing them by way of execution

When justice is bought and sold just like weapons of war
The ones who always pay are the poorest of the poor
---

"a new law" - derek webb

(vs. 1)
don’t teach me about politics and government
just tell me who to vote for
don’t teach me about truth and beauty
just label my music

don’t teach me how to live like a free man
just give me a new law

(pre-chorus)
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren'’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me

(chorus)
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law

(vs. 2)
don’t teach me about moderation and liberty
i prefer a shot of grape juice

don’t teach me about loving my enemies

don’t teach me how to listen to the Spirit
just give me a new law

(pre-chorus)
i don’t wanna know if the answers aren'’t easy
so just bring it down from the mountain to me

(chorus)
i want a new law
i want a new law
gimme that new law

(bridge)
what’s the use in trading a law you can never keep
for one you can that cannot get you anything
do not be afraid
do not be afraid
do not be afraid
---

Let The Name Of God Be High (Psalm 113)
written by Don Chaffer; performed by Derek Webb

All of you who call yourselves the children of God
Lift His name to the high place in your hearts

From the moment the sun rises
From the place it crests the earth
To the moment the sun sets, and
To the place it slips into the sea

Let the name of God be high
Let the name of God be high
In the hearts of His people
Let the name of God be high
Let the name of God be high
In the hearts of His people
Morning to evening
Midnight to noon

At this moment
And for all the moments that are yet to come
Let His name ascend in the hearts of His people

summer plans, part 2

so... my plane tickets are now bought. i will be in st.louis, lawrence, florida, north carolina (just for a weekend, for my cousin's wedding), chicago (for 2 hours on the way to st.louis), and philadelphia (for 6 hours on the way back to madrid) between may 21 and july 22.

the plan for now, is to fly to st.louis, head to lawrence, ks, for about a week to visit Grace EPC and folks there, spend the next week in st.louis, st.peters, st.charles, etc., and then head off to orlando, fl.

my dad's lending me his car, so i'll be driving from st.louis to orlando. i'll be there for a bit over a month, during which i'll go to charlie (my cousin's) wedding in charlotte, nc, hopefully see some friends who live in or near orlando, be coaching others heading overseas (the reason i'll be there), and hopefully make it to the beach a few times.

then i'll be back in STL for a week plus a bit and then i'll head back to madrid. (and on the way swing by philly to see my brother drew, thanks to a 6 hour layover.)

so, that's the plan.

some other thoughts on grace

Bono: "You see, at the center of all religions is the idea of Karma. You know, what you put out comes back to you: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, or in physics—in physical laws—every action is met by an equal or an opposite one. It's clear to me that Karma is at the very heart of the universe. I'm absolutely sure of it. And yet, along comes this idea called Grace to upend all that "as you reap, so you will sow" stuff. Grace defies reason and logic. Love interrupts, if you like, the consequences of your actions, which in my case is very good news indeed, because I've done a lot of stupid stuff...

...I'd be in big trouble if Karma was going to finally be my judge. I'd be in deep s---. It doesn't excuse my mistakes, but I'm holding out for Grace. I'm holding out that Jesus took my sins onto the Cross, because I know who I am, and I hope I don't have to depend on my own religiosity.

Look, the secular response to the Christ story always goes like this: he was a great prophet, obviously a very interesting guy, had a lot to say along the lines of other great prophets, be they Elijah, Muhammad, Buddha, or Confucius. But actually Christ doesn't allow you that. Christ says: No. I'm not saying I'm a teacher, don't call me teacher. I'm not saying I'm a prophet. I'm saying: "I'm the Messiah." I'm saying: "I am God incarnate... I know you're expecting me to come back with an army, and set you free from these creeps, but actually I am the Messiah. So what you're left with is: either Christ was who He said He was—the Messiah—or a complete nutcase... The idea that the entire course of civilization for over half of the globe could have its fate changed and turned upside-down by a nutcase, for me, that's farfetched …

...I love the idea of the Sacrificial Lamb. I love the idea that God says: Look, you cretins, there are certain results to the way we are, to selfishness, and there's a mortality as part of your very sinful nature, and, let's face it, you're not living a very good life, are you? There are consequences to actions. The point of the death of Christ is that Christ took on the sins of the world, so that what we put out did not come back to us, and that our sinful nature does not reap the obvious death. That's the point. It should keep us humbled... It's not our own good works that get us through the gates of heaven.

If only we could be a bit more like Him, the world would be transformed. …When I look at the Cross of Christ, what I see up there is all my s--- and everybody else's. So I ask myself a question a lot of people have asked: Who is this man? And was He who He said He was, or was He just a religious nut? And there it is, and that's the question. And no one can talk you into it or out of it."
---

Lyrics to "Grace" by U2

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace
It's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that
Changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness
In everything

Grace
She's got the walk
Not on a wrapper on chalk
She's got the time to talk

She travels outside
Of karma, karma
She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace
She carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips
Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl
In perfect condition
What once was hers
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stains

Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty
In everything

Grace finds goodness
In everything
---

"Lo esencial es invisible a los ojos." - from "The Little Prince"

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." - Jim Elliott

thoughts on grace

i'm not quite sure how to write about this in a gracious way. one of my big pet peeves with present-day "christianity" at times (i use the quotes because it is how christianity is represented, but not what i believe is truly at its essence) is when it becomes about everything people are against, or a law of morality. when it becomes that instead of undeserved grace and looking into the face of God and His greatness and being changed by that.

the Gospel is much more about God and Jesus than it is about me or you or the guy down the street or next door or even in my own house or apartment who does or doesn't do what he should.

and yet, way too often instead of calling people to look at Jesus and to be awed and amazed by who He is, to see that HE is worth everything I have and am and ever could want, that He IS in fact the GREATEST thing, for which I would give the world, it seems like we call people to a bunch of rules, to a life of "goodness" just because we should.

but the problem is that God and who HE is is what motivates us to be all the things that please him. it is falling in love with him and wanting to follow him and to do what HE would most desire, not because we should or have to, but because it would be pleasing to him. it is realizing that he LOVES me and that HE delights in ME, not because of what I do for him, or what I do to try to please him, but just because. I have worth in his eyes because HE loves me, he DELIGHTS in me, just as I am. And HE desires the best for me.

I am neither perfect nor do I do or say all the right things, far from it. I seek to and desire to, but inevitably I fail and fall. but as i said before, when i think of the gospel and grace, i think about the fact that it is not so much about me, as it is about HIM. It is about a VERY perfect GOD who loves me and loves mankind. He loved us so much that he came to earth as a man, to help us to understand, to help us to see HIM. He came as a humble baby, one born in a manger, one who grew up and faced hardship, who faced being misunderstood, who faced being ridiculed, who faced being hurt and abandoned and alone, who chose to be subjected to the worst condemnation and suffering to set us free, to act on our behalf, to become what we couldn't be for ourselves. THAT is the amazing, awesome, powerful, grace-filled, loving, wonderful, tender GOD that I want to follow and that I want to please and that I love. HE is the one who is my God.

And it is for that reason that at times it infuriates me when he is misrepresented. AND for me worse of all when it comes from the church. It is why it infuriates me when i hear sermons who call us to follow a list of rules (whether they be in the positive or the negative) or when christians talk about everything others do wrong (in or outside of the church). it is why i think sermons should always cause us to come away in awe of GOD, not with a to do list. and it is why this morning as i heard a sermon on missions and obedience, i neither had any idea why the guy preaching would try to guilt people into giving more (of themselves and of their time and their money), when my GOD is MUCH more convincing. When I look at HIM, at least when I get even a glimpse of who HE is, I don't need someone to pressure me. I may need some direction and advice, or guidance or correction, but the desire to follow HIM and to give him all of my being comes not from my being all that great, nor from someone convincing me it is what I "should" do, but instead from the fact that there is nothing I would rather do. And I say that about things I would naturally desire to do, things I would naturally run from, and things that are so far from my natural nature that it is obvious that something supernatural and someone holy happens when I come into God's presence.

now even as i say this, i am aware of the unfortunate fact that while it may infuriate me when others misrepresent the gospel and God, that i at times do the same. and most often i do so by my attitude or actions toward others. i desire not to and trust that the Lord is and will continue to change me, but it is most evident the inconsistencies in my own life when it comes to situations with my family or my roommates or those that don't treat me as i think they should. obviously these are the things i don't particularly like to admit nor like others to see. but, while i am loved by God and while I love him, I still far too often forget that it isn't all about me and my goodness (or even my lack there of). I am made good by what Jesus did, not by my being any better than any one else.

wedding pics

so the wedding was great! but then i think it would be kind of hard to have a bad time at a spanish wedding. i figured i'd post a few pictures, so you can see my dress that turned out pretty well (i'm not a huge fan of the picture of me, but at least you see the dress).

peace and quiet

so... i am beyond the point of exhaustion. last night i went to a wedding, so got back at 4:30am and then got up at noon to go to church. it hasn't helped that i haven't gotten much sleep this week. and somehow tonight was the night that my roommates decided to have a few (25+) friends over for dinner. somehow i wish i would have thought through the whole thing more fully and asked them not to, but i didn't. so, while i did rest some today, was hoping to go to bed at least somewhat early. but, the dinner party ended up being a semi-large party and unfortunately i left some bongos in the living room, so in addition to the loud music & such, there were bongos.

now, i like people and parties, unless i am beyond sleep deprived. to the point where i am not really sure if i am awake or asleep, can't think clearly and all i want to do is sleep... so instead of sleeping i am not writing, so i get my frustration and anger (whether rightly directed or not) out. somehow i've realized that i value (sometimes a bit too much) both courteousy (for neighbors and roommates - here myself - and most other people), particularly as it relates to bothering someone with noise. and when i am completely exhausted, i value quietness and space and aloneness. more than anything i want to sleep, read, or watch a movie by myself with complete silence (except for any noise i choose to add). what i want is control over my surroundings. somehow this has been one of those things that i have very much NOT had this year. some of that is good, but some of that has just made me all the more long for a home that is mine. a home where i can control fully (or near to fully what it looks like, it's cleanliness, and when there are lots of people around and when there are not).

i want to be flexible. or more exactly, i want to appreciate the many people around when they are around and such, but if i am exhausted i don't.

yes, some of this is purely selfish and some of it is the mere fact that i am a normal person who needs her space at times and the pure fact that i am no longer twenty years old and the fact that, yes, i do have to get up and go to work tomorrow (even if tomorrow most of my work will be done in my apartment). it isn't the same as when i was twenty years old and it is not the same when my responsibilities solely consisted in getting a degree.

i want to be gracious and want to just go with the flow, but right now i just want to be selfish and have my house the way i want my house. i want these people to leave, i want to kick them all out and sleep. or at least kick them out and do what I want to do. at the same time, i don't want to be unreasonable and imposing. i do want my roommates to have space and to be able to have their friends around, but also want to have the same. the hardest thing about this year, has been that our expectations and desires for our house are very different things. and most of it comes down to the fact that, yes, i am thirty-one and they are twenty - ten years difference. they want to live the vida loca and i want a refuge, i want a home, a place of tranquility and, yes, a place to have people over (sometimes lots of people), but to have a balance of the two. they want to go out everyday of the week and experience the experiences of life abroad with no rules. they want to get up at two in the afternoon and stay out 'til 4 am. and i, on the other hand, have a job and responsibilities and, while it doesn't have a normal 9 to 5 schedule, i do need sleep, i do need to get up at a decent hour, and i do enjoy my sleep.

so, yes, i am complaining, complaining more than i wish and complaining more than i wish i felt. but it is much better out than inside. it is now 0:35 (or 12:35 in the morning). i'm going to wait until 1am and if they haven't left to go to the club they were headed too, i am going to ask them to leave. while i want to make the excuse that they are bothering the neighbors, the reality is that few people in spain go to bed before midnight. yes, 12:35 on a sunday night is a bit late, but it still seems a bit early to kick everyone out and make my roommates mad. (i think the equivalent in the US would be at 11pm or even 10:30pm.)

gosh, i sooo long for some space of my own. i love having roommates and i love having lots of people around, but sometime i just want peace and quiet. no, i can't control my neighbors and i can't control much of life, but it is a nice thing to have some control over your own apartment, or at least on a sunday night when you are tired, exhausted, and just desiring some time alone.

little creations

so, i did finish the dress for the wedding. now i just need to make a shawl to go with it. here are a few pictures of the dress. i'll get one later with it actually on me, but this gives you an idea.

it has an underlayer that is a sage green and then an overlayer that is sheer and goldish. and, i really like how it turned out, particularly the bodice. :-)

and there is a picture at the bottom of the other fabric i bought to make another dress or two...

random thoughts & happenings from today

so... first thought is from an older man i ended up talking to on the bus on the way home from Cobeña (a small town outside of madrid, where i have a meeting about every thursday morning). apparently the lilies you see pictured here are calla lilies (or calas, in spanish), they aren't peace lilies, while i'm sure they are related.

i'll have to write more another time about the adventures he told me about before he retired. oh, and by the way, he had a whole huge bouquet of calas he had taken from his garden in their country home to take to his wife who was ill in their home in the city. it didn't sound like she was doing too well, but the flowers were beautiful! oh, and to give you an idea of their size, they were about the size (each) of my two hands cupped together. now granted my hands aren't huge, but still. and their stem was about the circumference of a nickel or quarter. and he had at least 8-10 of them, along with some of their large, rich green leaves. very beautiful.
---

another random thought is that i am somewhat insane. as i'm learning about myself, somehow i have crazy ideas that seem fully possible and reasonable to take on (or maybe i just don't really think about whether or not it is reasonably possible, i think i like the challenge of doing the impossible). so, somehow i decided it would be a great idea to MAKE my dress for the wedding i am going to on saturday. i didn't really like any of the dresses i have. so, i figured i could try to make one.

i bought fabric and thread and such on tuesday morning, cut out half of the pieces yesterday, cut out the rest today and began sewing. now truth be told, I am just about done. i have to finish the skit part of the dress, put in the zipper, and then just make sure it all lays right and fits me. oh, and i need to buy some shoes as well. i have no idea where the time actually came from to do this, but considering it is now 2:00 am, it makes a bit more sense. (by the way, if it turns out the way i hope, it should be really cute. it should look more or less like the picture above, but with a green lining, like an olive green, and then a shimmery golden green semi-sheer overlayer. it looks a bit more formal than the pictured dress and should be at least fairly long. and if it turns well, i'll most likely post a picture. :-))

as i said before, i beginning to really enjoy my sewing machine i got this summer. and while i may be mildly insane, more often than not these crazy ideas actually pull through. (like when kelly and i decided to catch up with some guys who were heading to the mountains in santiago, chile. we had no idea where we were going, but i figured we could figure it out and that asking some of the locals would eventually get us there. long story short, we actually ended up ahead of the guys (who had left at least an hour and a half earlier) and did in fact make it to the rocky mountain that we also ended up sliding down (unintentionally) about half way. it was a fun, crazy time that i actually really miss.)

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in addition to the older man with the flowers, i also met a guy from israel on the metro (which i took after the bus to get home) who asked me for directions. apparently he owns a hostel in nicaragua, likes to take pictures, somehow had a couple day layover in rio de janeiro, had 4 hours to spare in madrid before heading back to hypha, israel, for passover. interesting guy. we talked in spanish for a bit and then when he realized i was an american we finished talking in english.

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another random thought... i probably should get some sleep.

(taken by nathanbhughes)

a long way gone

here is another book, A Long Way Gone, by Ishmael Beah, the first hand story of a real child soldier from Sierra Leone. my roommate just finished it and i started reading it before i went to bed. it seems like a pretty quick, but good and heart-wrenching, read. it's about 200 pages. anyway, here's what the back cover says:

'Why did you leave Sierra Leone?'
'Because there is a war.'
'Did you witness some of the fighting?'
'Everybody in the country did.'
'Cool.'
I smile a little.
'You should tell us about it sometime.'
'Yes, sometime.'

This is the story of Ishmael Beah's childhood - how, aged just 12, he fled from rebels attacking his village to wander a violent land, before being conscripted into the army -- where he learnt that he too was capable of terrible acts. Once he emerged he decided to tell his story, a story of loss of innocence and the power of redemption.

This is the first first-hand account of how wars are now fought: by children, on drugs, with AK-47s. In more than fifty conflicts going on worldwide, there are an estimated 300,000 child soldiers. Ishmael Beah was one of them.

What does war look like through the eyes of a child soldier? How does one become a killer? How does one stop? Child soldiers have been profiled by journalists, and novelists have struggled to imagine their lives. But it is rare to find a first-person account from someone who endured this hell and survived.

In A LONG WAY GONE: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier, Beah, now twenty-six years old, tells a powerfully gripping story: At the age of twelve, he fled attacking rebels and wandered a land rendered unrecognizable by violence. By thirteen, he’d been picked up by the government army, and Beah, at heart a gentle boy, found that he was capable of truly terrible acts. At sixteen, he was removed from fighting by UNICEF, and through the help of the staff at his rehabilitation center, he learned how to forgive himself, to regain his humanity, and, finally, to heal.

This is an extraordinary and mesmerizing account, told with real literary force and heartbreaking honesty.

dark train

the strangest thing happened yesterday. and somehow since i am only barely awake right, it seems even more surreal.

i was on the way back from a campus down in the southwestern outskirts of madrid and heading to a small group on the northeastern side off the city. i was a bit pressed for time and hoped that i could get there in an hour and a half (which i did, by the way).

anyway, i had to switch train lines before i jumped on the metro to finish my treck across the city. i stepped on the train and pretty quickly noticed all the lights inside the train were off. strange.

the train paused a bit more than normal, so i asked the lady next to me (who was on the train before i got on) if the train was working, despite the fact that we were in medio-darkness. it seemed a bit strange. but within a minute or so the doors shut and the train left. still no lights, but the train worked. and now pitch black.

so we are zooming through tunnels as normal. but the entire train (at least the car i was in and those around it) is pitch black.

pretty quickly it occurred to me that i felt like i was on some amusement park ride, although better because it was real. something like the old pirate's of the caribbean at disneyland. it's an odd thing, but i have a memory from when i was two and at disneyland and went on that ride (or at least i think it was that one). it's a memory that i had countless dreams of when i was little, some nightmares and some just dreams.

anyway, so we are jetting through tunnels without any light except that coming from the tunnels and the occasional cell phone light. it was definitely surreal. but i laughed at myself as we rode down the track because i really was ecstatic about this dark train ride. it was pretty fun though, particularly at the almost end of a full day (which happened to involve several train rides mixed with the normal metro rides). it really only lasted a couple stops because then i had to get off, but it was one of the highlights of my day (even though it may be seemingly insignificant).

so... later i was telling one of my roommates about this and she said, but someone could have mugged you or... and yeah, the brief thought went through my mind. but i was more ecstatic about the ride. and, as tends to be the case, i thought of what i would do if that were to happen.

somehow since i think that i am superwoman at times, i always think about how i would take them out (granted in reality i have no knowledge of karate nor any great martial art, but then it always makes perfect sense in the realm of my mind). there was one medio-sketchy guy who was waiting with me and the other lady by the door standing, but he went upstairs (it was a double-decker train) to sit down. and since i had my cell phone in my hand, i could always make the light come on and use it as a little flashlight.

so, yeah, that is my story of the cool, dark train. somehow it wouldn't be the same, but i wish fun pitch black trains would ride across town more often.

the cult of sincerity

Some friends, or more accurately friends of friends recently made a film, posted it on youtube (by the way, it's a full length film), and are now giving about half of their earnings to Fount of Mercy, an NGO (non-profit) working in Uganda. It's a good film. So, check it out if you have time. Oh, and by the way, to help them out and to "donate" to Fount of Mercy via them, you can do so for nearly for free. So go check out the film and do what they say.

child soldiers

if you have any interest in learning about child soldiers in Uganda, or just getting a larger more complete picture of the world we live in (of which we are definitely in the upper 1% of the world's wealthy and, for the most part, very much out of touch with how the majority of the world unfortunately lives), you should definitely check out my friend's blog about his recent trip to Uganda after having spend a year+ working with World Vision, a non-profit, or NGO, group that works throughout Africa and the world. You can reach his blog at http://allkindsoftime.blogspot.com/

learning to drive, again... part two

i am little by little developing quite an extensive technical spanish vocabulary pertaining to all things having to do with cars, roads, and parts there within. honestly i don't know that i have this extensive of a vocabulary in english. somehow the textbook, and in turn the tests, are extremely technical. the word used even for road isn't the same. and then there are the 20 other "road" words that give you an idea of the specific type of road it is, and in turn the millions of rules that follow.

i have driven in spain and it never seemed that different. the main difference is that all of their rules are written down with great depth and with all the exceptions and all the prohibitions.

because i am spending so much time studying for the written exam, i am very tempted to compile a list of my newfound words, some of which i have no idea their english equivalent. somehow i want someone to see all of my immense work which i fear will only be really used for the test. and i am sure would be of very little use to you all.

flying

some friends of one of my roommates are in town right now, girls studying in edinburough. one of them is an amazing cook at one of my favorite restaurants (the main squeeze) in columbia, mo, where i went to college. so, as we enjoyed some amazing pizza and salad (which may sound fairly simple and normal, but when made by sarah was definitely not just the norm - it was incredible), we ended up talking about airplane flights and specifically the time where the stewardess (or steward) shares the escape plan in case of emergency.

now, i for one have never thought too much about it. i have heard the speech a million and one times so sometimes listen, sometimes read a book, sometimes sleep, read a magazine, talk to my neighbor,...

interestingly, most of the people at the table had a slight to moderate fear of flying. they either pay extremely close attention to the flight attendant or try to ignore her or him, so as to not think about the possibilities of calamity. and, in fact, they at times (when not trying to ignore the entire situation) get irritated at people like me who don't pay full attention.

the went on to say that have a million fears that arise with turbulence, flights over oceans,... they often check for the red tag under the seat, just in case their seat doesn't have a life vest, in case of emergency...

i, on the other hand, am pretty much the opposite. what i don't like about flying is that i sometimes feel a bit motion sick. but when there is turbulence, a not so uncommon thought is "i wonder if we'll get to try out the slides and those boats and floating cushions. that would be really fun." "they don't have parachutes on here, do they? that would be really fun. i wish." i think there was one or two flights that got kind of bad, which i did get a bit scared on, but that isn't the norm. now that i actually write this and said it out loud, it sounds a bit insane, but it is true that i've always had a fairly active imagination.

and really, wouldn't it be fun to be the one to slide out of a plane into the ocean. i don't know if you'd actually live to tell the story, but it would be pretty cool, no? right?

anyway, suffice to say, it was an interesting people study and i still like the overly optimistic, possibly a bit out of touch with reality, and imaginative option when flying on a plane. as i told my mom tonight on the phone, i think i inherited the medio-superhero gene. i may not have any superpowers, but it seems more often than not that both my dad and i seem to think we have them and can do the impossible. not all a bad thing.

great music

so, i love how music brings life to lyrics and that somehow can speak to a different level of our being. my brother who is a musician and i were talking about this a bit when he was here.

anyway, i was just reading the lyrics to the shins' "caring is creepy," which by the way is great music. anyway, the lyrics don't seem to make nearly as much sense as when they sing them and the pauses, the inflection and stress all come into play.

so, if you feel like some good music, find the shins and you can see what i mean. hear are the lyrics thanks to the immense worldwide web:

"I think I'll go home and mull this over
Before I cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, this colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.

lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Underneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks I dreamt of where we'd stepped
And all the whole mess of roads we're now on.

Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day I'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending

All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks.

Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day I'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

This is way beyond my remote concern
Of being condescending

All these squawking birds won't quit.
Building nothing, laying bricks."

Darfur

I just started to read the book, "Not On Our Watch" by Don Cheadle and John Predergast on the genecide in Darfur and the world at large.

I'm not very far into it, but from what I've read thusfar I think it's probably a must read for every living person in the at least western world. I think we need to be aware of what is going on in the world, so that we can act accordingly. We are NOT unaffected or uninvolved, even if we are passive or ignorant of what is going on.

Elie Wiesel (author of Night and Day, and holocaust survivor) who wrote the forward wrote this:

"I am a Jew who remembers when my people in German-occupied Europe were condemned to isolation, hunger, humiliation, unspeakable terror, and death. Until almost the end of the war, nobody came to our rescue.

I am member of the human family who remembers that 800,000 human beings were massacred in Rwanda in 1994. They could have been saved, but nobody came to their rescue. The leaders of the world knew of the perpetrators' intention and their victims' vulnerability, but they failed to respond. Everything was known, and to the shame of civilized society, hundreds of thousands of men, women, and children were abandoned and then slaughtered.

I am writing this now because in Darfur, Sudan, families are being uprooted and starved, children tormented and murdered in the thousands, and women raped with impunity. The world knows that the non-Arab peoples of Darfur are dying by the thousands, yet, in the eyes of the eyes of the victims, the world remains indifferent to their plight.

I refuse to remain silent while leaders of the world make excuses for failing to protect the people of Darfur. I am writing to voice my compassion for the victims and my anger at leaders who are timorous, complacent, and unwilling to take risks. Remember: silence helps the killer, never his victims.

Darfur is today's capital of human suffering. Darfur deserves to live, and American citizens are providing it with reason to hope. Not to help, not to urge our elected officials to intervene and save innocent lives in any manner possible and needed is to condemn us on grounds of immorality. Our failure to speak out to end the ongoing genocide in Darfur would place us on the wrong side of history. And that thought must seem intolerable to all of us.

For the sake of humanity, SAVE DARFUR!"

So, go pick up the book and get informed and DO something! You can also go the the website linked with the book title above or to www.enoughproject.org

With those thoughts in mind, this song came onto my itunes and it just seemed both timely and made me think of the role each of us plays in the world we live, for better or for worse. We can choose to be passive to that which goes on around us or we can choose to do something.


"Our God Reigns" - Written by Delirious? ©2005 Curious? Music UK

"40 million babies lost to Gods great orphanage,
It’s a modern day genocide and a modern day disgrace
If this is a human right then why aren’t we free?
The only freedom we have is in a man nailed to a tree.

100 million faces, staring at the sky,
Wondering if this HIV will ever pass us by.
The devil stole the rain and hope trickles down the plug,
But still my Chinese take away could pay for someone’s drugs.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.
Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

The west has found a gun and it’s loaded with ‘unsure’
Nip and tuck if you have the bucks in a race to find a cure.
Psalm one hundred and thirty nine is the conscience to our selfish crime,
God didn’t screw up when he made you,
He’s a father who loves to parade you.

Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.
Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.
Our God reigns, Our God reigns,
Forever your kingdom reigns.

Yes he reigns, yes you reign, yes you reign,
For there is only one true God,
But we’ve lost the reins on this world,
Forgive us all, forgive us please,
As we fight for this broken world on our knees."

Spring has arrived!

It seems that spring, or la primavera, may have finally arrived to Madrid (at least for the week). And I am overjoyed! I am still adjusting to the time change (which occurred here last weekend), but I am loving the 70-80ºF (20-30ºC) weather, the sun and just the happiness of spring.

While I haven't had much extra time, it has been just nice to wear short sleeves, skirts, dresses, sunglasses (with actual warmth) and either a jacket (versus a coat) or just carry it! Fun, fun fun!

(another picture taken by nathanbhughes)

matthew 7:7-11, "ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be open to you... which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? if you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!"

looking back

(picture taken by nathanbhughes)

this morning i just finished my joshua study, that has endured most of this year. it has been exactly what i've needed this year.

as both the book and the study come to a close, it is interesting that in the last chapters of joshua, the people of Israel renew their covenant with God and REMEMBER what the Lord has done (in bringing them out of Egypt, in fulfilling what he had promised, and in bringing them to the promised land (and being the one who went before them in their battles)).

as i read the last little bit this morning and was reflecting, it made me REMEMBER as well how God has shown his faithfulness to me this year, this semester, in drawing me to himself, in the last few years, etc., and it also made me think about how HE WILL be faithful today and in the weeks and years to come. hmmm... :-) good stuff to start the day with.

this helps me to rest at ease with the things I can't control, don't know how they will play out, or the things that I find it hard to let rest in the Lord's hands instead of my own. it also causes me to respond in praise, faith, and the desire to follow Jesus with all that I am. ah... it's nice to be reminded that i am safe and secure.

enjoy the day!

PLAMM bbq & music festival

as i mentioned, this weekend i helped out with the PLAtaforma de Musica de Madrid's barbecue and highlight of 21 bands from madrid. it was a great time, with lots of talent. here are some pictures from the day. the first one is just a general pic. then miguel angel (the one holding the beer) in the second picture was in charge of it all and is the director of the music ministry with ágape. the next picture has my friend jomi who helped with the sound. then part of the band Ni Uno Bueno. enuk, a friend of mine who raps. joanarman, who is part of Praxiz, and is a pretty well known rapper in the spanish christian music world. then just a general pic of the sound crew. and then another fun band, My Dear Flotsam.

learning to drive, again

i am on the road to getting my spanish driver's license and eventually a car! yesterday class was on the various signs and signals.

and while i'm going to have to unlearn the way we do things in the US, i am really excited about the possibility of DRIVING again. it's been two years since i last got into the driver's seat - the last time i was in the US. i cannot begin to tell you the joy!

and somehow every night since i paid my money and signed up at the driving school (which is mandatory here), i have had at least one strange dream about my driving test. in one i couldn't get the car to stop at the red lights, it just wouldn't slow down. and last night i don't fully remember, but i know it had to do with signs and signal lights - the same thing the class i went to last night was on.

and just to explain the whole thing a bit more to give you context... most spaniards spend 1000-1500 Euros, while i have friends that have spent more like 6000 Euros for their license. you have the written test, which is much more comprehensive than ours - including some basic first aid, mechanics, the million more rules they have about precedence of signal lights and signs (if they contradict each other, which one it is that you are to follow), etc., then you have the driving test which depends mainly on the examiner you get. but several americans i know failed their driving test several times, meaning they then had to pay for extra driving classes, which cost 25-30 euros a class. if you fail the driving test once (you have 1-2 tries, depending on if you pass the written the first or second time - you get 3 tries in total), you have to take 5 more driving tests. if you fail it again, 8 more. and if you fail it again, 15 more. and, while i find it hard to believe, i've heard some people say that the spanish driving test was harder than their bar exams.

but then i also know people who did just fine. as a friend said the other day, it seems there is more than just a bit of urban legend surrounding driving schools here. it is true that they are here to make money (they are not state run) and they do make quite a bit. God-willing, i will only spend 300 euros on mine. that is my goal.

and, yes, there are no loopholes. you can't just show them your US driver's license or pay the $5 for the international license. you can if you are just visiting as a tourist, but after you are a resident you have to do it the same way everyone else does.

so, hopefully in the next month i will take and pass my written exam and then move on to phase two, the driving test! God-willing, all of this will happen before i return to the US this summer (end of may).