happy new music

so, yesterday... ok technically now 2 days ago, was my bday. and one of the fun gifts i got was a mixed cd from a friend who has similar taste in music. and let me just say that i LOVE it! i actually love homemade gifts and mixed cds (if i like the music). so, the people i'm loving on the cd are of course feist, bon iver, over the rhine, sufjan stevens, and then surprisingly (only bc i don't really know them well) josh ritter, ohio, ryan adams, ray la montagne, and avett brothers (although they're still growing on me a bit). fun times! i should get mixed cds more often. :-) i love fun bday presents!

out of control

so, i just spent entirely WAY too much time on my computer and connected to internet world tonight. i actually was working most of the time sending e-mails and messages for some upcoming stuff that i need to nail down, but out of control. i'm just not wired to do non-stop admin stuff for hours on end. and having to send fb messages and e-mails has way too many distractions. and i only can stay focused on that kind of stuff for so long, which is why a few other msgs were sent and now this little post. so, now it's way later than i planned, i do have to get up early, or madrugar as they'd say here, so that's it for now. just a mindless, random rant. although i'm actually thankful to have a few more things checked off the invisible to-do-list.

sufjan!!!

i heart sufjan. i think i've said it before, but i've been loving his album seven swans. i've had it awhile, but have been listening it quite frequently lately. :-)

la cucaracha

i am not by nature one who is afraid of bugs. in fact, generally i set them free to the outside. there are a few exceptions, cockroaches being one particularly as of late. yuck! it's summer and it seems like they are everywhere. granted i'm rearranging some stuff, but i did actually just put out stuff to get rid of them. and the past few nights they've been terrorizing me.

the cockroach a few months back that FLEW out of the toilet paper thing when i went to get some tp was funny. it was just so weird. then the occasional one in the kitchen or bathroom isn't that big of a deal. i don't mind cohabitating to some degree. i would just prefer to not see them. but last night was the last straw. i went from my room to the kitchen and had three jet out a various places, one in the hall, one out of the poison trap thing, and then one from by the trash. i trapped one under the clear trashcan and then felt like that was inhumane, so i smashed him. then there is the one that ran over my barefoot the other day. there is something wrong with these bugs. they are neither rational nor good sensed.

this morning when i woke up, it occurred to me that i was afraid to turn on the light in the kitchen, expecting something to scurry away. and the same in the bathroom. then i thought, dawn, you're not actually afraid of cockroaches, they just gross you out. yuck!!! please mr. cucaracha would you leave and take your friends with you. i'm sure it's much cooler and darker a few floors down, or even better go to a park or something. i think you and i would be much happier parting ways. thank you.

summer summertime in the city

Summer has arrived. It was 38ºC, or 100ºF today. I would say that makes it now fully summer. So here is a list of what makes me think of summer, or that summer is just around the corner... Oh and I'll check those that have happened already...

_ Café con hielo, Iced coffee
x Iced Latté
x Washing my feet at night, bc it feels good but also bc they're dirty (and in the bidet, in my opinion it's what it was made for!)
x It's hot enough that I have to wear shorts to run (and don't get as many strange looks)
x I get the fan out
_ Lightening bugs (i'll have to wait 'til i'm back in stl for that one)
x Ice cream!
x Terrazas, or outdoor seating
x LOTS of people outside at night and late
_ Putting a fan or two in my purse
x Sandals
x Dresses & skirts without tights
x Seeing American tourists in shorts (and this year it looks like it might be "in" to wear shorts, although they are definitely "hip" shorts, not just your run of the mill shorts)
x Closing the windows in the day because it's TOOO hot to let the air in
x Loving the cool night breeze
x Noticing all the green!!! (even here)
x Making all kinds of iced drinks
_ Smoothies
_ Frozen Juice Popsicles
_ the pool
_ the beach
_ swimming
_ Galicia
_ Realizing it would make a ton more sense to wake up early to go running in a bit cooler weather
x Dying running in the heat
x Enjoying air conditioning on occasion
x Cold showers
_ barbecues! grilling!
x fresh veggies & fruits
x strawberries
x ice
x blue skies (although we almost always have blue skies in madrid)
x cottony clouds
_ outdoor films
x picnics
x parks
x late night walks

lavender tea... pure joy

one of the things my sister got me for christmas was lavender tea. when i went to visit last year to columbus, we went to the coolest tea shop ever and had the most incredible tea. she got a lavender latté and then later bought me the tea. it's one of the things that makes me happy, just smelling it and having it. part of it is the memory and that it's from my sister, who i love. but part of it really is the tea and the lavender. it just smells and tastes SOOOOO good. and it also is calming, since it's lavender. :-) happiness! and so nice in the midst of change and transition.

the unknowns of life

be forewarned, this is definitely processing at its finest, or not so finest nor thought through. it's just pure thoughts as they come out. just to forewarn you:

some dear friends of mine left this morning for the states. they've been here the past 2.5 yrs and have become dear friends and trusted colleagues. they have a one and a half year old who was born here and they're going home to go back to seminary (for a phd) and to figure out what is next.

i'm so grateful to have gotten to know them and also grateful to have been blessed by them in countless ways. yet as i sit here, granted exhausted (which is why i'm taking a little "siesta" of sorts) and granted emotional, i'm a little introspective. in two weeks i'll turn 34, which somehow seems to be a big year. i mean, it's a year before 35 and 35 seems way too old for me to be. ever. particularly being kid-less and husband-less. i mean, 90+ percent of my life i'm next to fully content with being single and i actually LOVE my life, just the way it is. and i'm not by any means just enduring it. in many, many ways i'm thankful that i've had time to be here and to do a lot of things that i probably wouldn't have had time to do nor freedom and flexibility to do if i were married with kids. that said, 34? i mean, if i want kids, now is the time, no? and right now i think i could be ready. and i think i'm willing and desirous of that life. it's kind of a hard thing, and i guess in some ways good that you don't have it all just planned out ahead of time. i mean, i want to get married and i want to have kids, if the right guy comes along and really is THAT guy. if he doesn't, i still desire that life, but i'd rather never marry than to settle or to choose something lesser, even if that means never having kids of my own. and yet at the same time, now more than ever, i can see that that life means exchanging some of my flexibility and "freedom" for giving to others and little people, which at least today i want, the little people that is. and all this connects with my friends leaving in that they have a little person and my other friends leaving soon have two little people. and i DON'T feel like i'm wasting my life by any means, but in some ways, some little ways, i'm not sure my life has fully begun. i mean, i was thinking at the gym last night that i have probably NOT lived half of my life yet. i could get married in a year or two from now and have kids and have a whole different life than i've yet to know. crazy. or something else i have no idea about could happen. who knows... definitely not me.

so... what i actually meant to be writing about are the unknowns of life, which right now seem like a lot. the fall is a huge unknown - who will i be working with? what will my fall look like? the summer is a little unknown, but for the most part figured out, just some of the "who's" and "when's" are a bit unknown. and then the between the summer and fall is a little unknown, or at least what may or may not happen. then there are the next couple years. there is the boy situation. there is how that will play out, or not. there are the boy situations of some very very close friends... all of it unknown and way way way out of my control. i honestly don't know even how to think about it. and, thank God, that He actually remains a true constant. He doesn't shift nor change nor change his mind nor move nor step away for a time. He is FULLY and COMPLETELY present and active. no, i can't control him. no, i can't always figure him out nor understand WHY. but He's Good, really GOOD. and He love me and knows what's best for me and others. and he has a plan and a will. and He listens to me and cares and hears me. He holds me. He works in me, around me. He goes before and behind me. HE DOES know the plans ahead, whether it be the fall or the summer, or next year, or twenty or eighty or a hundred or a thousand or billion years from now. He KNOWS. and he cares. and as i've been reading a ton lately in psalm 106 & 107, he is gracious and merciful and faithful even when I am not (not that that justifies my wrong-doing, but it does give me confidence and peace that it's not all about me). i can't mess it all up. i'm not that powerful. and thank God that i'm not.

so, i've been reading about prayer recently, specifically i've been reading A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller (no relation). it's good, by no means rocket science but just real life wisdom. good stuff.

i think i had some other thoughts, that were probably much more profound than what i actually wrote. but this is me right now, just processing life, seeking to trust God and to walk by faith, taking Him at his word, trying to allow the Gospel to define my life, trying to allow God to lead me, and taking one day at a time.

sufjan stevens

i heart sufjan! his music hoy hits the spot. it's the right mix of melancholia, but hopeful, happy, mad, real, witty lyrics, good music, variety,.... i love it and it is one of the things that is helping this day turn from totally sad to somewhat happy & productive. (see the post below.)

happy thoughts

I am in a horrible mood. Some of my best friends here leave tomorrow. They've been good friends, great workmates,... They are not the only really good friends leaving... I keep on thinking, "There are people dying in the world. There are kids in horrible situations. There are natural disasters. There are things way worse going on in the world. This is NOT that big. Just get over it." And yet I still feel like poop. So, I'm making a list of happy things. (And also a list of poopy things.)

Poopy things
(1) my back, or to be precise my right shoulder blade/shoulder/upper back is killing me. it really hurts & i've already taken one 600 mg ibuprofen.
(2) i hate people leaving. i hate it. i know i tend to be the one leaving and that's not fun either, but it's way worse when you're the one staying.
(3) i have little to motivation to get things done and yet my to do list keeps growing.

Happy things
(1) lavender tea. i love lavender tea and just brewed some to help me be in a chipper mood.
(2) sufjan stevens. what i'm listening to also in the hopes of cheering up.
(3) what i see of the world isn't all that there is. The Lord IS making all things new and he WILL make all things FULLY new. This really is hopeful and DOES actually help me put things into perspective. It's the only thing that really helps.
(4) good friends who care and who are kind and who think of me and let me complain without telling me to just get over it (but then do that too, if i'm just sulking).
(5) i actually do love where i live. AND we just got a new hot water heater! for the first time in 5 years we actually have water pressure in the shower AND it's actually the right temperature. i no longer have to put a clothespin to keep the water coming out of the shower head. and i no longer have to endure scalding hot water or tepid water. this is AMAZING.
(6) the weather is beautiful! it's perfect for just about anything. the windows are open, the birds are flying and singing,... it is happy weather.
(7) i actually have time to get things done and despite my poopy list item #3, i am for the most part motivated. i just have spurts of unproductivity.
(8) lavender tea
(9) God's grace, Psalms 106 & 107 - it's not dependent on ME and God is so sweet to me and gracious to act in love when that's not what i deserve. he cares for me and loves me!
(10) the little people, aka my friends' kids. they make me happy.
(11) okay, this list is actually WAY longer than the other one!

once

I love the music from "Once" and the film itself. :-) Right now I'm listening to it in my meloncholy state of missing people who are leaving or who have already left.

grey's anatomy

i just watched this week's grey's anatomy. i love love love that show. okay, sometimes the drama is probably a bit over the top, but i love that the people are real and flawed and alive and a mess, but real. and i love the emotion of it. they're trying to figure out their way through live, how to live, how to work through their stuff, how to live, how to fill their longing for more,... and the show actually shows their dysfunction in trying to escape and such. anyway... random stuff.

nickel creek

:-)

edges lopped off

They say that when you live in another culture for awhile that you go from being a square head (the previous culture) to looking more like a rounded head (that of the new culture), but since you never are truly native, having not grown up there you look more like a stop-sign head, with edges little by little being lopped off. Some of those changes are gentle, like greetings (for instance in Spain I greet everyone with two air kisses, one on each side; it's not a hard change, just different). Other changes are felt a bit more, for instance getting used to not being so "polite." It's not that we're not polite here, but saying "please" and "thank you" and "would you..." just doesn't always translate the same way. I still say thank you, but there are other more culturally "genuine" ways. This might not be the best example, but anyway... you get my point.

This has to do with one of those easy, but for me farther down the road changes. And right now I would say that I'm past just the "trying out" phase of it, although I don't know if it's something I'll permanently incorporate into my life. Quite honestly, it will probably depend where I live. If I stay here, yes, I'll continue to do as the Spanish do, but if I move somewhere else where it's not so common, it's unlikely that I'll be able to afford it nor do I value it quite that much. What I'm talking about is waxing. Maybe a bit too much information, but it occurred to me last year that the reason that Americans tend to think that Europeans don't shave has to do with the fact that most of them don't, but they do wax. And to wax you have to let your hair grow a little bit before it can be ripped out. So, no, Spanish women don't tend to shave, but their legs and armpits are probably more hair free and smoother than most American women, at least most of the time.

So, about a year ago I made the plunge. I'd been putting it off for years, primarily because I thought it had to be horribly painful and I couldn't seem to let the hair grow out. (It grossed me out.) So last summer, I thought, I could go get waxed once and it would last the rest of the month. No more shaving. Pain is momentary and everyone I know here does it. It can't be that bad. And it costs about 10 Euros for everything I'd want. (Sorry if it's tmi.) And, yes, the first time it hurt, but not that bad. And your hair doesn't actually grow back much and it's weaker. All the stuff they told me before. And this weekend I even took it a step further. I did it myself. Now for the time, ease, and cost difference, I probably won't do it myself again until I'm visiting the States, but I've got it down. I figured out the way to rip and the way not to. And I must say that I'm pretty impressed with myself. And since in the states, what costs me 10 Euros would cost over 100, and while I'd spend less shaving, for the time being I'll probably continue to visit my local salon.

"Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God." Psalm 90:2

sooooo good

So, here's the playlist for the Dark Was the Night: Red Hot Compilation. It is SOOO good, as the teen girl squad would say. And it really is. It's what I'm loving to listen to these days. And it somehow always cheers me up. Nice.

DARK WAS THE NIGHT

THIS DISC
1 Knotty Pine – Dirty Projectors + David Byrne
2 Cello Song (Nick Drake) – The Books featuring Jose Gonzalez
3 Train Song (Vashti Bunyan recorded, written by Alasdair Clayre) – Feist + Ben Gibbard
4 Brackett, WI – Bon Iver
5 Deep Blue Sea – Grizzly Bear
6 So Far Around the Bend – The National (arrangement by Nico Muhly)
7 Tightrope – Yeasayer
8 Feeling Good (popularized by Nina Simone) – My Brightest Diamond
9 Dark Was the Night (Blind Willie Johnson) – Kronos Quartet
10 I Was Young When I Left Home (Bob Dylan) – Antony + Bryce Dessner
11 Big Red Machine – Justin Vernon + Aaron Dessner
12 Sleepless – The Decemberists
13 Stolen Houses (Die) – Iron and Wine
14 Service Bell – Grizzly Bear + Feist
15 You Are The Blood – Sufjan Stevens

THAT DISC
1 Well-Alright – Spoon
2 Lenin – Arcade Fire
3 Mimizan – Beirut
4 El Caporal – My Morning Jacket
5 Inspiration Information (Shuggie Otis) – Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings
6 With A Girl Like You (The Troggs) – Dave Sitek
7 Blood Pt 2 (based on original song “You are the Blood” by the Castanets) – Buck 65 Remix (featuring Sufjan Stevens and Serengeti)
8 Hey, Snow White (Destroyer) – The New Pornographers
9 Gentle Hour (Snapper) – Yo La Tengo
10 Another Saturday (traditional song) – Stuart Murdoch
11 Happiness – Riceboy Sleeps
12 Amazing Grace (traditional song) – Cat Power and Dirty Delta Blues
13 The Giant Of Illinois (Handsome Family) – Andrew Bird
14 Lua – Conor Oberst + Gillian Welch
15 When the Road Runs Out – Blonde Redhead + Devastations
16 Love vs. Porn – Kevin Drew

change, transition, sadness, yuck,...

So... I went running tonight after going to the gym and thought about several things, but one being that I am a bit down today. I'm primarily sad because everyone around me is sad, or so it seems, and that lately I've been seeing the cup as a little less full. One of my best friends here is moving next week, for good reasons (she's getting married soon), but I'm sad to see her go and also sad to see her in the midst of all the emotion of major life changes. I don't want her to go because I want to be there for her in the midst of these changes, not just there on the phone but PHYSICALLY there so she can come over or I can go over. And I want her to be there for me, to listen to me process, to listen to my griping, and to speak truth and wisdom to me, and to just be around. So, I'm sad. And because I'm sad I'm irritated with life and all the things that do normally do irritate me, but that I don't even hardly actually notice, they're more minor things.

The other thing I thought about is that I feel like I've been so negative and so half cup almost empty (or at least not just almost full). I like being a positive, generally happy, cheerful person who cheers others up. I like being that person. I don't like being one who tells you all the bad going on in life first. But right now with the people closest to me, the people by whom I feel listened to, really, and feel free to be a mess, I've been tending to tell all the negative of my day and all the negative of life first. I have a million and one great things happening and going on, so why do I spew the grossness out. I guess I want to be known. I guess I need people to "carry my burdens" right now, or just there to let me get things out and then somehow it's a whole lot better. Hmm... I guess it's just humanness. And I guess it's just where I am right now. Not to say that I'm really in a dark, dark cloud, just in a lightly grey one. I mean, I'm totally justifying myself unnecessarily, but I am there for those around me, I'm just not quite the cup almost full girl, I'm more the half full person. And I guess it doesn't help that I've been a little under the weather too.

Somehow it's Friday night and while part of me really wanted to go hang out with people, the other part of me wanted to just be alone, to watch Grey's Anatomy, listen to some good music, maybe journal or not think at all, to talk to some friends, but to be alone and to let myself be sad or confused or whatever it is that I'm feeling right now. So yeah, that's what I'm doing. It's so weird. Fortunate for me there were some incredible leftovers in the fridge from lunch - my roommate made some rice stuffed sea bass for a meeting we had here at lunchtime. Incredible doesn't fully do it justice. And some nice red wine goes alone quite nicely. And, yeah, somehow getting all this out helps. And somehow being alone in the midst of this to process, and yet not actually feeling alone at all, and having talked to some good friends but not about all this but that love me and somehow are also feeling a bit down, makes me feel a bit more happy. hmm... oh, and by the way, you've gotta love the Dark Was The Night: Red Hot Compilation. sooooo soooo soooo good.

the reader

I just saw the Reader again tonight and discussed it with some friends. EXCELLENT film. I've hesitated to recommend it because of the nudity at the beginning of the film, but the way it treats the subject of guilt and forgiveness, or the lack there of, is EXCELLENT. It is craftfully written, taking twists that you wouldn't expect from the beginning. It is definitely a drama and one of the best films I've seen this year. I know that's pretty brief, but I'm still thinking about it.

dark was the night

I have said it before, but I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Dark Was The Night Compilation. It's an excellent mix of incredible musicians, pretty much all indie stuff and oh so good!

A mighty Fortress is our God,
A Bulwark never failing;
Our Helper He amid the flood
Of mortal ills prevailing;
For still our ancient Foe
Doth seek to work us woe;
His craft and power are great,
And, armed with cruel hate,
On earth is not his equal.
Did we in our own strength confide,
Our striving would be losing;
Were not the right Man on our side,
The Man of God's own choosing;
Dost ask who that may be?
Christ Jesus, it is He;
Lord Sabaoth His Name,
From age to age the same,
And He must win the battle.

And though this world, with devils filled,
Should threaten to undo us;
We will not fear, for God hath willed
His truth to triumph through us;
The Prince of Darkness grim,
We tremble not for him;
His rage we can endure,
For lo! his doom is sure,
One little word shall fell him.

That word above all earthly powers,
No thanks to them, abideth;
The Spirit and the gifts are ours
Through Him who with us sideth;
Let goods and kindred go,
This mortal life also;
The body they may kill;
God's truth abideth still,
His Kingdom is forever. Amen.

Martin Luther, 1529

mindy smith

Mindy Smith is quickly becoming someone I listen to now and again. I love her voice. It somewhat reminds me of Alison Krauss and Nickel Creek. Good stuff. But a little too depressing for me to listen to more than de vez y cuando.