honesty confessions...

tonight as i sat with a friend and talked about some of the deeper heart issues of life like loneliness, longing, emotions, walls we put up, grace, the gospel,... I was reminded how much i need the body of Christ and a tiny bit of what that means. I was also reminded at how good I am at hiding sometimes... and the walls i so easily build around me out of self protection. yuck. thank you, friend.

"I have a confession to make: I'm addicted to the gospel. It burns inside of me. And it seems to get hotter every day. I can't stop thinking about it, talking about it, writing about it, reading about it, wrestling with it, reveling in it, standing on it, and thanking God for it. For better or for worse, my focus has become myopic. My passion has become singular... I'm beginning to realize that the gospel is way more radical, offensive, liberating, shocking, and counterintuitive than any of us realize... Like Aslan in C.S. Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia, the gospel is good but not safe." Tullian Tchividjian, Jesus + Nothing = Everything

a little bit of spanish goodness...

"Vuestro Dios dice: 'Consolad, consolad a mi pueblo; hablad con cariño a Jerusalén y decidle que su esclavitud ha terminado, que ya ha pagado por sus faltas, que ya ha recibido de mi mano el doble del castigo por todos sus pecados.'

Una voz grita: 'Preparad al Señor un camino en el desierto, trazad para nuestro Dios una calzada recta en la región estéril. Rellenad todas las cañadas, allanad los cerros y las colinas, convertid la región quebrada y montañosa en llanura totalmente lisa. Entonces mostrará el Señor su gloria, y todos los hombres juntos la verán. El Señor mismo lo ha dicho.'

... Viene como un pastor que cuida su rebaño; levanta los corderos en sus brazos, los lleva junto al pecho y atiende con cuidado a la reción paridas..." Isaías 40

the messiness...

"The world is a mess; that's hardly deniable. The world fell from its innocence when we disobeyed the law of love in Eden, and ever since then the world (our home) has been marked by misery and mess - war broken relationships, poverty, disease, greed, crime, injustice, hatred, loneliness, hunger, ignorance and death, to name just a few of the common messes that ruin our human living. And we know the particular messes of our own individual lives and of our own society and time. Just think of the messes that have been in the news of late: runaway debt, joblessness and economic anxiety, sexual abuse and terrorism, and on. And on.

God considered it well, we may trust; if he was to incarnate himself and become fully human, he would have to come into all the messiness of our world and at least for a time, be not only immersed in it but actually undone by it - drowned in it, so to speak. Bu that is the grace of Christmas, that God was willing to do that, for love's sake. Christ Jesus came into the messy world to save sinners.... Christ came into the world as a baby to save me, to rescue me, not only from the just wrath of the living God, but also from all the messes I've created, or inherited, or aggravated... The messes are precisely what he came to redeem by subjecting himself to them, all the way to death!" - Ron Lutjens, "Advent 2011"

broken pots

Today I've been thinking... the road up is down, the way to healing is brokenness,... I am feeling a bit broken and thankful for that brokenness. I want Jesus to break all that makes me run to me as my strength and refuge. The Lord God Almighty is my God and He is the one who is able and worthy to be my strength and refuge. Oh, how I long to drink from His fountain of living water without ceasing. That is the water that refreshes and gives life, the only thing that refreshes and gives life. Let me run, run hard to him. Oh, precious Savior! Blessed be your name for now and forevermore. Amen.

"Hungry I come to for I know you satisfy.
I am empty, but I know your love does not run dry.
So I wait for you, so I wait for you.

I'm falling on my knees, offering all I need.
Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.

Broken I run to you for your arms are opened wide.
I am weary, but I know your touch restores my life.
So I wait for you, so I wait for you.

I'm falling on my knees, offering all I need.
Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.

I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me.
Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.

So I wait for you, so I wait for you.
So I wait for you, so I wait for you.

I'm falling on my knees, offering all I need.
Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.
I'm falling on my knees, offering all I need.
Jesus, you're all this heart is living for.

Hungry I come to for I know you satisfy.
I am empty, but I know your love does not run dry." Hillsong

Why am I so worked up?

Unfortunately it seems that the holidays and family functions are often a mixture of joy and pain. This Thanksgiving was no different.

For the past few months, my parents and I have been coexisting in the same environment and interacting now and then. The reality is that there are a few unspoken tensions, some of which have been resolved, and some which have not. In writing all of this, I know that I too am with fault and have likely been particularly sensitive, which doesn't help my emotion behind all of this.

So, during our rushed Thanksgiving dinner, I mentioned the Lexicon I was making for my World Religion class, a glossary of the important terms from each major religious tradition. It's been a great class for growing in understanding and learning much about others. It hasn't changed what I believe, but it has changed how I relate to others and how I think of others in various religious traditions. I've read novels, listened to songs and stories, read some of their sacred texts, and discussed in detail the questions being asked by each. I've learned a lot and also realized that I have much to learn.

My mom is highly involved in an interfaith council and both of my parents view themselves as highly open, liberal Christians. Like myself, they highly value other cultures and learning, but they also would argue that all roads lead to god. I would not. While I enjoy learning and better understanding and while I love learning and better appreciating other religious and cultural traditions, I think that there is one mediator between God and man, Jesus Christ. I know this sounds exclusive and narrow, on one hand it is and on another it is not. I believe it is a path open to all who will believe and bow a knee to Christ. I also know that not all people will do this and that many follow other paths that are to either reach God or some universal all through sacrifice, good deeds, and ritual. While there are very good people who follow other religious traditions, I would argue that they don't reach to God. I can't reach God either unless I go through Christ and that is no work of my own.

And, yes, I do think it is right to be in discussion with others, to seek to understand. And yet a follower of Christ cannot deny that they desire all to come to know Him. If they did, they would be unloving. Yet this is the point at which most people take offense. And yet Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, Mormons, and others would do the same. But that wouldn't be seen as narrow and offensive, it would be seen as being open-minded and culturally open. This is why I am frustrated. My dad wants me to acknowledge the Bible to be on par with other sacred texts and Christ to be ONE of the ways to God. My mom wants to merely talk about differences but to merely explore others' beliefs and yet not hold firmly to Christianity's core beliefs. That is not open, unbiased discussion. Not at all. Yet that is what I am told to do, leave my beliefs at the door, and embrace all. On one hand, I wholeheartedly agree and, on the other hand, I cannot. I do want to embrace all and I do want to learn and listen and understand. I don't want to bulldoze others over, I want to love and serve and pray and share my beliefs as they do. I will pray that they would come to Christ, but if they don't I won't shun or act unrightly toward them. That is why this bothers me. Have I acted unrightly toward people in the past of other beliefs? Am I unloving and one who bulldozes over others? No, I don't think I generally am. At times I may and, hopefully, I then generally ask for forgiveness. I am clearly emotional and upset and hurt. I want my example and attitude to be that of Christ in Philippians. Oh, I pray that it would be more and more like that. And I do pray that people would be changed by seeing Christ in me. Oh how I pray that would be true. I pray that people would not stumble as a result of my testimony, verbal or in action, but instead be confronted with the truth and love of Christ alone.

Both Thanksgiving and today, I realize that this is likely HIGHLY emotional for me and likely not so emotional for them. Their faith is not an essential part of everything they do. It is connected, but it isn't one of the first things they would say that characterizes their life. For me, it is. If I am not a good representation of Christ, that is tragic. Yes, God will and can change me, but it is the reputation and reflection of my God and Savior and King, that is marred by my sin, a reputation and a reflection that I long to be crystal clear to those on-looking. He is my all. He is my life. He is my Lord. I want all I do and say and am to glorify Him and reflect Him. That is why this is so personal. It's not really about me being right or wrong; it's about Him.

Having said all this, I do love and think the world of my parents. I'm grateful to have time with them, I just wish it weren't a mix of joy and pain.

thanksgiving in the us

It's been six years since I've celebrated a Thanksgiving in the US. That added with NOT cooking for 50+ people and added with it just being me and the parents and added with having beaucoup work to get done this "break" made for a fairly uneventful, strange thanksgiving day. I was thankful to have some great friends with whom to spend dinner and was glad that my parents and I sat around the table together for a meal. But weird to say the least.

Yes, it caused me to pause briefly and to give thanks for what I have and how God has provided for me again and again this year. As my friend said tonight, "we've never truly been without."

It was fun to meet some fun turkish people which somehow strangely seemed appropriate on turkey day. It was nice and fairly uneventful. It made me a bit nostalgic about great thanksgivings past and friends and family whom I miss. Happy Thanksgiving!

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, his love endures forever..." Psalms

p.s. Highlights on the menu were some incredible goat cheeses, one with honey drizzled on top with a sage leaf, and the other covered with blueberries and slightly sweet. Yum!

Re-Entry Thought #12

Ah! I feel like I'm in a constant airplane cabin. What I mean is that I feel like all the moisture in my body is being sucked out by all the heating and cooling going on and the fact that 95% of my life seems to be inside a building or car. I know I'm complaining, but doesn't it seem unhealthy to spend that much time inside? Granted I am a student, so much of that time is in the library over books or in a classroom. But, wouldn't it be healthy to travel by foot now and then on a subway or bus... plus wouldn't that help with air pollution and pollution in general? Just a thought. I do know that I'm on my soapbox. And I'm still presently in the hermetically sealed library writing papers and reading. I don't think I'll ever fully get used to the air-conditioning and extreme temperature changes instead of having nice open windows (without screens).

what more could one want?

"Supermarket? I had hardly thought of the word for months. What would I do if I ever walked down an aisle again, pushing a cart? The whole idea of all that variety seemed ridiculous. If one had a little rice and vegetable, and a few kinds of meat or fish, what more could one want?"(p. 97, The Spring Wind)

"To accept the otherness of other people was a thing I could do... but to become that otherness... to submerge totally what I thought I was in another's style of living... in another's life... this was almost like annihilation." (p. 78)

"Perhaps this was what relationship meant... trust. To be able to give help and take help..." (p.50)

more quotes from The Spring Wind

(p.89) "What we saw as an opportunity, Wing Sung saw as exploitation... exploitation of his friendship. What we wanted to give, he was afraid was going to get him. How could we be true to our Christian motivation of sharing the love of God as revealed in Jesus Christ, and yet show this boy that we respected him first of all as a person... as the person he was at that moment, and not the person he might become if he someday conformed to our thinking?...

'My brothers and the people in the village will never believe it, not until they see it.'"

(p. 99) "It was only a simple meal of rice and meat, with greens form Yau Tai's stall, but it will always stand out in our minds as a most significant occasion. We gathered around the table, held hands as a family and friends, and Gordon thanked God for the food in Chinese... Just as we were ready to raise our heads, Ah Chun began to speak. I looked at him, and realized his eyes were closed and his head was bowed. I closed my eyes and listened. He was speaking to God in a prayer that made my heart stand still. He prayed in Jesus' name, a prayer direct and simple. I was silent for a moment.

'Ah Chun!' Gordon said, extending his hand. 'I didn't know you were a Christian!'

'Ding Mok-si! I didn't either! I wasn't, but I am! This is the first time I've ever prayed aloud to God... the first time! You were all praying, and I felt my heart move and tell me to pray. I've prayed to God aloud for the fist time!'

I sat with head down, not daring to look up. To hear a man establishing a speaking relationship with God was an awesome thing... an awesome thing to happen over rice and tea and half-washed hands, clasped in a squirming circle of peeping children and tired adults at the end of a day..."

(p.104) "Language is a people-oriented art, and only those who have a genuine interest in people for people's sake seem to mater it..."

(p.105) "O God! make us free... free like the grass to bend with the wind, with no consciousness of our rightness or wrongness, but only of your greatness."

(pp.111-112) "'Few people are blackhearted,' Gordon said. 'There are times when we understand and times when we do not understand. Misunderstanding acts like blackheartedness.'... But dare we tell him now that the builders of the first bridges he had known were also the stokers of his early fires of mistrust?... That good and evil were not two men, but in every man... in us?

I glanced again at his puzzled face, and knew. Yes, we dared. We dared because we were not playing roles. We were not the wise seeking to teach the foolish, the good seeking to eradicate the bad. We were persons, capable of understanding and misunderstanding, of understanding a thousand things and failing to understand a thousand more, and as persons we could dare to share ourselves not only as we were but as we had been.

The fences were down, and the lines were gone between us. We were no longer foreigner and Chinese seeking to adapt and bow to each other, dealing in bargains and tinged with mistrust. We were a company of people walking along the road, surrounded by darkness but walking toward light... people with faces turned toward the wind... The Spring Wind, before which we must all bow as grass.

The night wind blew up from the sea, and we turned our faces toward home."

Let Freedom Ring

(written from Sinclair Ferguson's Children of the Living God for a class)

Reading Ferguson's chapter on "Family Freedom" I couldn't help but to think of what it would have been like for Mephiboseth, or for a slave, to be truly adopted into the family of another. What would it be like to be one day treated as a cripple and outcast, or one enslaved without basic human rights and freedom, and then in the course of a day for everything to be changed? Having a freedom, a dignity, a worth imparted to you by another, another who loves you dearly and works for your complete restoration with him and others. Mind blowing.

I came to the Ferguson’s book thinking both about the plural you in Scripture, or the body of Christ, and also the film, “The Help” which I recently saw. This film depicts the horrible reality of the segregation of African-Americans in the 1960s in the US, after they had “technically” gained freedom from the former ways of slavery. The film vividly shows that this was unfortunately not the case. They were told they were free, but then quickly told their place, their dignity trampled upon, and then treated as if they weren’t even fully human. Atrocities. Grievous sins committed. Things not only done by those far off from Christ but those who claimed to be in Christ and even against their brothers and sisters also in Christ. It is no small thing. It is not so far in the past, either.

Ferguson reminds us the rich freedom we have in Christ. He talks about this freedom as one that brings change, peace, and freedom from anxiety, from traditions of men, and from Satan’s chains and bond over us, to name a few. This is what the Scriptures proclaim clearly again and again. Ferguson also points out that this is not merely a change in status nor an ethereal freedom. We are not merely freed from going to hell when we die; we are now free to live in righteousness, righteousness not just as individuals but as the whole body of Christ, the church. We are not mere servants of God; we are his full-fledged children, all of us - sons and daughters of God. We all got here the same way; we’ve all been adopted in. The dividing wall between Jew and Gentile has been abolished.

And yet I’m disturbed as I read Ferguson by the discrepancy. We are not to use our freedom for selfish ambition; we are no longer to live by the insidious sin that we are slaves of the former master. We are not to turn a blind eye to our brother. We are not to merely take the easy road. We are to love and act as ambassadors for our Father in the world. Yet even in present day America, even in our own denomination, there is great rift, which remains in the body of Christ.

How then shall we live? If we are truly free in Christ, how should this affect the way we live with one another? How should this affect how we defend and fight for the rights of our brothers and sisters in Christ? How should we worship? Are we to just wait for “them,” whomever “they” are, to make the first move and to move out of their comfort zone to come to our camp? Ferguson likens the Christian life to the year of Jubilee, or the year of the Lord's favor. Isn’t it time that we work true unity and as Martin Luther King, Jr., stated, “let freedom ring”?

Re-Entry Thought #11

It's been awhile since much has struck me as crazy odd, in respect to returning back to the US. Yes there are odd moments when it feels like a circumstance that has been a long, long time since I last experienced something like it. That still happens.

But my thought today is more about habit. Getting used to being in the same country as your family and many loved ones is an odd thing, particularly as it relates to keeping in touch. We've gotten used to the 6-7 hour time difference and, reading an e-mail from my sister recently just affirmed that I am not the only one feeling the oddity of the change in hours.

I don't think to call until it's too late to call, particularly since my sister lives an hour later than I do. And apparently the same is happening to her.

What we're used to is calling one another at semi-ungodly hours. I would call her if I was up to 1am. She would call me if she was up early in the morning. Now that doesn't work exactly the same.

Changes... changes in habits... that is what this is really about.

"i know the plans" - waterdeep

You talk of hating war,
but where's your own peacetime?
You don't love anymore,
all my children.
It lingers in your mind,
"everyone's so unkind,"
but you forgot the mines
you laid on your land.

"I know the plans that I have for you.
I know the things that I want for you to do.
I know the plans that I have for you.
And it hurts sometimes to see you blind."

You read up on the lies,
And keep them in motion.
So clever the disguise of devotion.
You say that there's not time,
but there you stand joking.
You've forgot that I'm the one
who weighs the words you've spoken.

"I know the plans that I have for you.
I know the things that I want for you to do.
I know the plans that I have for you.
And it hurts sometimes to see your crimes."

You talk of hating war, but where's your own peacetime?
"I know the plans that I have for you.
I know the things that I want for you to do.
I know the plans that I have for you.
Plans to prosper, plans to not fail.
Plans for hope, plans for peace,
Plans for love, love..."

I am a worm

(another post from a class in response to Chapters 9-11 of Jerry Bridges' Transforming Grace)

Reading Bridges this week about "by the grace of God" in both his own life and in the life of Paul in chapter 11, I was reminded of two things - the abundant grace of God and the great cloud of witnesses surrounding me. I had a sort of "aha" moment. I don't have in and of myself all that I need, but that's good. God's grace is sufficient and super-abundant. It is by his grace that I am in the position that I am in here right now and at any given moment. It is by God's grace that I am. It is by God's grace that I have anything at all to offer. And, wherever God may place me, my true audience, my true judge, to borrow from Guinness, is an Audience of One. Bridges primarily focused on the fact that we are inadequate and yet God's grace is more than sufficient - when we are weak (which we are completely and wholly), God is strong (which he is more than completely and wholly). His examples, however, of himself and of Paul were what reminded me of "the great cloud of witnesses." I am not alone in my finiteness. And I am not alone in receiving this abundant grace of God.

Along these lines, I love the picture Bridges borrows from Isaiah 41 and Psalm 22 of a worm. In Isaiah 41, God refers to Israel as a worm, one completely squishable and defeatable by a mere step of their enemy. And yet this passage in Isaiah is where God again and again tells his people to "Fear not!" But he doesn't tell them how strong of worms they are, nor how they are the greatest among people. No. He does precisely the opposite. He reminds them of how small they are and yet how great He is. He is their Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel. He is the One who helps them. This is precisely the position they and I need to be in.

The teaching and the application seem to be one in the same. Behold your God. Gaze upon His beauty, His grace. Remember who you are and whose you are. "For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” (Isaiah 41:13 ESV)

"In the upshot there is only one answer for the preacher who wonders whether he is worthy to preach the sermon he has composed or for the writer who wonders whether he is worthy to writ the religious book he is working on. The answer is: Of course not...." Harry Blamires, quoted by Bridges on p.155

You've Gotta Be Raised From The Dead

(another post from a class in response to Chapters 5-8 of Jerry Bridges' Transforming Grace)
Today as I read the next segment of Transforming Grace, I came across 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 in chapter six and I was overwhelmed with a sense of joy. "For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."

Reading and reflecting on grace the past two weeks has reminded me again and again of how far I fall short. Somehow my ingrained desire to perform and be responsible comes out even in my striving to live more by grace. I know, it’s crazy. And yet as I read this passage from 1 Corinthians, the Lord reminded me of what it means to be "compelled by love." It means to live as one dead to sin and alive to Christ. It means to live as the redeemed as the beloved child of God.

Dr. Douglass has again and again stated that our "first identity is first" and I at least intellectually accede to this fact. We are saved by grace, grace alone, and we are now saints securely seated with Christ. That is our first identity. In fact, over the course of this past weekend and past week, I’ve stated these truths again and again to some of the young believers to who I minister. I can explain them well to others and yet I struggle to live them out.

"You may still struggle with sin, but that is no longer who you are. You are a daughter of the King, you are God's beloved. Any sin that you commit or struggle with is accounted to Christ, not you. You in turn have his righteousness, a whiter than white that cannot ever be blemished even to the slightest degree. You are first a saint. That is who you are. Don't let Satan, yourself nor the world tell you anything else." This is the jist of several conversations I had this past week. And yet today, as I think about grace, I am reminded of my striving even striving to not strive. I, too, often forget that I am one of the last hour workers. I forget that I am like any of the myriad of examples Jesus and the Bible give us of those in desperate, dire need of salvation.

Fortunately, for me and us, God never leaves us there. Thank be to God that he doesn’t leave me there! As I am reminded yet again of the fact that I have been redeemed, I have died to sin and been raised to life, all I can think of is my Beautiful, Beloved Savior. He becomes my focus instead of all the things I do or don’t do. He is Holy, Righteous, Just, Glorious, Good, Loving, Beautiful, the Lover of my soul. He is my Lord, my Father, my King, and my Savior. That is indeed VERY good news.

And the irony of it all is that when my eyes are awed and fixed on Jesus, somehow I do both rest in his arms and produce good fruit. When I remember who I truly am in Christ, I live as such. When I focus on my doing, I become anxious, overwhelmed, self-focused, self-critical, and ultimately without any power to change. Praise the Lord that he rescues us, that his grace super-abounds all the more when our sin abounds. Praise the Lord that he has made us dead to sin and alive to Christ. His love compels us.

"...we've cried and we've tried and we've sweat and we've bled. but we don't just need atonement, we need to be raised from the dead... you gotta let his blood stain you if you want to be free..." -- if you want to be free, waterdeep

Re-Entry Thought #10

I've now been back for a few months and today as I went running I passed the "new" high school. Basically, it's new to me. I think it's been there for probably 6+ years, but I haven't been around much in that time.

Well, school is in season and I just happened to be running around 4pm, when sports' practice is in full motion. So, I saw baseball players and games going on. I saw football players. And I saw cheerleaders.

Let me just say that it was hugely surreal, super strange. I mean, really... baseball? I haven't seen a baseball game in at least 6 years, but possibly longer. I have seen NO ONE with a bat or with a glove,... so it was weird. I've been having a lot of these "it feels like a dream" moments recently.

Today I finally went running, running outside. It's been weeks.

Today I realized that I've been going and going and going without much margin for ME. I need to run, I need to be still, I need to be in nature,... I need to just BE and not constantly be DOING. That was the conclusion I came to today.

Somehow sharing with a couple people the fact that I was starting to feel overwhelmed and hadn't figured out how to put running and exercise and me into my life, actually helped me to get out and do it. So, THANK YOU to my dear new friends.

And now I'm SO energized to move forward.

Tied Up In Knots Somewhere In The Woods

This is a post from a class I'm taking. Thought it was worth repeating.

“God provides for us, not just when we’ve done everything right, but also when we’ve screwed up. We can cry out to him when it’s our fault and ask for his mercy and grace.” (Tammie Matlack paraphrased)

This is what I don’t understand. I know that I don’t merit anything from the Lord on my own; it’s always God’s grace that he would choose to bless me. And yet I find it hard to believe that God’s grace still covers me when I really don’t deserve it, when it’s my fault that I’m in a certain predicament.

This past spring I sold most of what I owned in Madrid and made the arrangements necessary to move out of my apartment and move back to the US - sell my car, close my bank account, try to hand off pieces of the ministry I led in Madrid, and other details. I prayed about the details and all that needed to be done and, yet, was acutely aware of the things I didn't deserve. And that made me anxious. I didn't have everything under control. And it would be my fault if things didn't go well; my fault, I thought, that I hadn’t had the foresight to think through all the details. So I prayed, but didn't expect God to fix things. I expected him to provide in some way, knowing it would be okay, but expected it to be messy. God was in no way bound to bless me, particularly if it was my fault anyway.

As I say all this “out loud” on paper, I know it sounds ludicrous. But, if I'm honest, this is what my emotionally charged thought process was. One specific example has to do with my landlord letting me out of a lease that binded me to pay rent until October. I now needed to move out the end of May and, in my messed up mind, I blamed myself for not having figured this out the previous October. I reasoned that since I found out the previous September that I would most likely would have to leave Spain for six months, that I should have figured it all out then. Instead I was busy with life, deeply grieving the end of a relationship, still trying to figure out what I was going to do with the six months I needed to be gone, and assuming my roommate would live there with a subleaser. Instead of figuring it out, I had put it off until now. Now it was almost March and, knowing I had to give her two months notice, was fearful of what might happen.

Around this same time, friends of my roommate were in town. At a staff meeting we both attended, I asked for prayers about the details of my move and things with my landlord. The wife of these friends (Tammie Matlack) later said to me (paraphrasing), “Isn’t it hard to believe that God would bless us even when we don’t deserve it?”

Today as I read Jerry Bridges state, “Grace is not a matter of God’s making up the difference, but of God’s providing all the “cost” of salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.” I thought back to this situation and realized that I still have trouble believing the depth of God's grace.

As I read the analogy of the Grand Canyon, which I ironically have shared millions of times with students, it occurred to me that not only do I need Christ to bridge the gap, but I need him to lift me out of the mess I’ve gotten myself into that makes it fully impossible for me to even get to the bridge. I’m tied up in knots somewhere off the woods and need Jesus to rescue me from me, need him to forge a way through the forest, need him to build the gigantic bridge, and I need him to carry me to and over the bridge. I have nothing, nothing whatsoever, to bring to the table. I am fully and completely bankrupt and fully and completely crippled.

In Romans 5:8 it is stated, “But God demonstrates His own love in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ died for me, gave me his righteousness and standing with God, WHEN I UTTERLY DIDN’T DESERVE IT! I know this to be true. And yet, as I write this, it still hasn’t made it all the way into my heart.

Oh, Lord, help these truths to go deep into my heart of hearts. Help me to cease striving and know that You alone are God. Help me to realize that I’m covered in filthy rags that I can’t even take off on my own. Have mercy on me, sweet Jesus.

“All who are thirsty, all who are weak, come to the fountain, dip your heart in the stream of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away in the waves of His mercy, as deep cries out to deep. Come, Lord Jesus, come…” (“All Who Are Thirsty,” Brenton Brown)