In the bleak midwinter

Last night was fun. In Spain, the night of the 24th is when the family gets together for a large dinner to celebrate the day of Christ's birth. The 25th is more of just a recovery day.

Generally (every year until now) I've spent Christmas with my best friend here, Ruth and her family. This year she went to her pueblo (where her extended family is, a small town a couple hours away), so I had to make other plans. Fortunate for me, the Mission to the World team, for which my roommate Chery works, had already made plans to spend Christmas Eve as a team and, in fact, at the last minute it was moved to our apartment. So we had their team (four couples and my roommate), eight of their kids, and me and my other roommate Melissa. If you're not doing the addition, we had nineteen people (plus two babies - so actually 21). So, we pulled the table out of the kitchen, added it to the dining room table along with two small folding tables. It was great!

We sat down to a plethora of food, which was a mix of vegan food and standard Christmas food. Two of the DeWitt boys then serenaded us with an original guitar piece. It was great. We sang some Christmas carols and then Charles, the MTW team leader, recited the poem, "In the bleak midwinter" by Christina Rosetti, written sometime before 1872. I had heard this poem in song form, but had never paid much attention to the words (except for maybe the very last stanza, which I think is more commonly heard). It is powerful, particularly the third stanza.

In the bleak midwinter
Frosty wind made moan,
Earth stood hard as iron,
Water like a stone;
Snow had fallen,
Snow on snow,
Snow on snow,
In the bleak midwinter,
Long ago.

Our God, heaven cannot hold him,
Nor earth sustain;
Heaven and earth shall flee away
When he comes to reign;
In the bleak midwinter
A stable place sufficed
The Lord God incarnate,
Jesus Christ.

Enough for him, whom Cherubim
Worship night and day
A breast full of milk
And a manger full of hay.
Enough for him, whom angels
Fall down before,
The ox and ass and camel
which adore.

Angels and archangels
May have gathered there,
Cherubim and seraphim
Thronged the air;
But his mother only,
In her maiden bliss,
Worshipped the Beloved
With a kiss.

What can I give him,
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb,
If I were a wise man
I would do my part,
Yet what I can I give Him —
Give my heart.

I think what most struck me is my sinfulness and Christ's selfless humility. I mean, I had been feeling a little bad for myself that I wasn't going to have anything to open today (on Christmas) and wanted to be spending it with a Spanish family, as I normally do. I had just being a bit self-absorbed. As Charles recited the poem, I thought, "Oh precious Lord, forgive me. How can I be so self absorbed in a time that really isn't about me nor about the presents?" "You came from heaven to earth in the humblest, most UNcomfortable forms and yet you were NOT thinking about your needs and comfort. Oh, precious Lord, forgive me, a sinner, in desperate need of your love and grace." It was a good reminder to put into perspective this day.

So, I thought I'd share this all with you, so that you too could appreciate the great profoundness of what Jesus did in the incarnation. This song/poem expresses it well. Merry Christmas! May Christ be glorified today in your lives and presence.

Here is the Magnificate, or Mary's Song, (after Mary had found out that she was pregnant with the Son of God, by the Holy Spirit), found in Luke 1:46-56:

"And Mary said:

'My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
for he has been mindful
of the humble state of his servant.

From now on all generations will call me blessed,
for the Mighty One has done great things for me -
holy is his name.

His mercy extends to those who fear him,
from generation to generation.

He has performed mighty deeds with his arm;
he has scattered those who are proud in their inmost thoughts.

He has brought down rulers from their thrones
but he has lifted up the humble.

He has filled the hungry with good things
but has sent the rich away empty.

He has helped his servant Israel,
remembering to be merciful
to Abraham and his descendants forever,
even as he said to our father.'"

Hope

Today, Christmas Eve, I am both reminded of God's goodness and my desperate need for him. I am doing well and yet my roommmate, who is a bit sad today, basically the same as me two days ago, reminded of my desperate need for Jesus to redeem me and to give me life and peace, now just as much as ever.

I am thankful that Jesus came and dwelt among us. I am thankful that He is the Price of Peace and Lord of Lords. Today I learned a friend is in the process of a divorce, after only a year of marriage, and obviously both feels very broken and a bit distraught. She needs to be reminded of the hope of the world this Christmas, as do I. Last night and today I encountered Rosa, a woman who begs on the street by mine. I brought her food so she could have a real Christmas dinner, but it still was a pretty humble offering. I SO wish I could do more, that I could help her to get on her feet, that I could give her a home and a job. All I have to offer her is the hope of Jesus and some food. Honestly it breaks my heart and yet it reminds me of my humble state and my need for Jesus.

So, in light of all of that, here are a couple hymns that came to mind, which have an immense amount of truth in them. Enjoy & MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

"Be still, My soul" - Katharina Von Schlegel, Born 1697

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heav'nly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know his love, his heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From all his own fullness all he takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last



"Be Thou My Vision"

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle-shield, sword for my fight,
Be Thou my dignity, Thou my delight.
Thou my soul's shelter, Thou my high tower.
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of heaven, my victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all.

i am blessed

So, after the posts yesterday, you would not believe the day i had today. God is so good and gracious. I calmed down a bit and, thanks to God's word, put things back into perspective.

Then tonight (or this afternoon for spain time, 8-10pm) a friend stopped by, a friend more of my roommate chery than of me, but still a good friend. He practically forced me to go out with them for tapas and drinks. I had planned to finished studying for my seminary class that I have to finish before the end of the year and which i've spent all day working on (basically non-stop), and planned on continuing. Well, she gave him his christmas present and then he convinced me to come with them just for a bit (which in my american mind was an hour, but in my spanish mind i knew it would at least be two and was). We walked a ways (which i love) to a fun little café with vermoth and then went to a place closeby with wine and tapas. We laughed a ton and juan, the friend's name, is just a great, comforable fully platonic person who warms your heart to be with. It is so refreshing and around these days it's nice to both be reminded of God's abundant and gracious care, as well as, being around friends who really care about you.

Beyond that my day has been full of studying and much more, but I've acomplished a great deal and am over halfway done with what i need to do. praise the Lord! As I was walking home with chery and juan, I thought, it is YOU, Lord, who has used this day to remind me of your intimate care for me. That while I don't have a husband or a man to care for me right now, the Lord is the best husband, the best lover I could ever have (not to say that takes away the desire to marry, have kids, etc.,) but it does put things back into perspective and remind me that, yes, I am abundantly blessed. T am the child of a king, a king who loves me as his precious child, a king who makes the impossible happen, a king and Lord I can trust. :-) merry almost christmas!!!

Oh, and here is a little excerpt from my studying. I'm taking a theology class on Christ, man, sin, and salvation. One of the things I most recently read about was what is meant in Genesis 1:26-27 when God says, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness,... So he made man in his image, male and female he created them." (paraphrased) Anyway, there is a quote by C.S. Lewis that I love from his book, "The Weight of Glory." So, here you go:

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations --these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit--immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. This does not mean that we are to be perpetually solemn. We must play. But our merriment must be of the kind (and it is, in fact, the merriest kind) which exists between people who have, from the outset, taken each other seriously--no flippancy, no superiority, no presumption. And our charity must be real and costly love, with deep feeling for the sins in spite of which we love the sinners--no mere tolerance, or indulgence, which parodies love as flippancy parodies merriment. Next to the Blessed Sacrament itself, your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is your Christian neighbor, he is holy in almost the same way, for in him also Christ vere latitat, the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden."

Blessings & a Very Merry Christmas to you and yours!

lights over madrid

Here are some of the many beautiful Christmas lights around Madrid. Madrid spends more on Christmas lights than any other city in Europe. And, while I've yet to see many of these lights, I am very blessed to be here of all places. Merry Christmas!

a light has shined...

so, i know i've just blogged about my sucky day, but i'm doing a little better. somehow God's word always brings me back to reality, the reality of being his child, the one for whom he graciously and abundantly cares. Ahh... refreshing. So, I'm going to write down a few more little passages that are helping me see the light.

"Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justices as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;..." Psalm 37.1-7

a blue, blah day

I am having kind of a blah, blue day. Here are some verse a friend gave me on a note a few months ago and I'm hoping they will help both shine some light on life and also perk me up a bit.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

When evildoers assail me to eat up my flesh, my adversaries and foes, it is they who stumble and fall.

Though an army encamp against me, my heart shall not fear; though war arise against me, yet I will be confident.

One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house o the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire of his temple.

For he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock...

Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud; be gracious to me and answer me! You have said, 'Seek my face.' My heart says to you, 'Your face, Lord, do I seek.' Hide not your face from me. Turn not your servant away in anger, O you who have been my help. Cast me not off; forsake me not, O God of my salvation! For my father and my mother have forsaken me, but the Lord will take me in.

Teach me your way, O Lord, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies. Give me not up to the will of my adversaries; for false witnesses have risen against me, and they breathe out violence.

I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord." - Psalm 27

Ahhh... some fresh air into my tired, weary heart

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, or the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'" - Revelation 21:1-4

:-)

"Now the angel of the Lord came..., while Gideon was beating out wheat in the winepress to hide it from the Midianites. And the angel of the Lord appeared to him and said to him, 'The Lord is with you, O mighty man of valor.' And Gideon said to him, 'Please, sir, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all his wonderful deeds that our fathers recounted to us, saying, 'Did not the Lord bring us up from Egypt? But now the Lord has forsaken us and given us into the hand of Midian.' And the Lord turned to him and said, 'Go in the might of yours and save Israel from the hand of Midian; do not I send you?' And he said to him, "Please, Lord, how can I save Israel? Behold, my clan is the weakest in Manasseh, and I am the least in my father's house.' And the Lord said to him, 'But I will be with you, and you shall strike the Midianites as one man.' And he said to him, 'If now I have found favor in your eyes, then show me a sign that it is you who speaks with me. Please do not depart from here until I come to you and bring out my present and set it before you.' And he said, 'I will stay till you return.'" - Judges 6:11-18

"Moses said to the Lord, 'See, you say to me, 'Bring up this people,' but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. Yet you have said, 'I know you by name, and you have also found favor in my sight.' Now therefore, if I have found favor in your sight, please show me now your ways, that I may know you in order to find favor in your sight...' And he said, 'My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest...'" - Exodus 33:14

"What is impossible with men is possible with God." - Lucas 18:27

christmas blues...

well... i think i definitely have a case of the Christmas blues today mixed with a sad heart. inevitably i have a couple sad days during or after Christmas, but it kind of took me by surprise today. in part, i'm guessing because i woke up this morning EXHAUSTED after four days of late nights thanks to all the crazy spanish holiday festivities, all good, fun things, my body just is a little worn out. and that mixed with so desiring to have someone to spend my life with, a husband, and seeing nothing in sight, or nothing very sure... honestly it's this later bit that got to me a bit today... that, i'm sure, mixed with the former and mixed with the fact that i feel a little under the pile with a couple things that have to get done before the end of the year. i'm sure in the light of day, and by God's grace, all will be fine. i've just had a little more disappointment the past few days than normal, failing yet another driving test which will only cost about 300 euros more, and seeing the boy that i like and who acts as if he feels the same but who has yet to really DO anything to say that we are more than just friends. honestly i haven't felt this heartsick in awhile, but then we haven't really talked in awhile. hmmmm... i know these are all opportunities to trust God and to take him at his word. i'm just a little tired. while the world seems awfully dark right now, i trust that the Lord will work in me and in my circumstances as he always seems to do...

Okay, how about a little light for my darkness. Thankfully this season is actually more than just spending time with family, it is about Jesus, the Light of the world.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. HE was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it." John 1.1-5

"And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." - John 1.14

I have been sad and bemoaned my state. Those are obviously valid emotions and yet Jesus, the son of God, came to save me, to make a way for Him to be my God and me to be his people. He came as a humble baby born in a manger, for there was no room for him in the inn. He came simply and humbly. Of all the people who felt betrayed, abandoned, alone, he would be the one.

Thank you, Lord, for giving your life for me, so that I might have life, so that I might be able to have hope, and so that I would have one who cares for me who also can actually do something about my situation. I choose to trust in you and I choose to hope in you, despite what I might feel or see with my eyes. Lord, help me to rest and trust in you. Amen.

The third try is not always a charm

So... I regret to say that today was my third attempt at the practical test of the Spanish driving test and... yet again, I didn't pass. :-S The guy who also took the test told me that he felt worse for me than for himself (he didn't pass either, his second try), because yet again I did everything right EXCEPT one little thing, I didn't stop long enough at the stop sign. I by no means would call it a rolling stop, in fact i stopped twice, once at the line and once a bit farther ahead. BUT apparently it wasn't a COMPLETE stop. And unfortunately the examiner today was really nice. She didn't even make me parallel park. So...that means another 200+ Euros, the really bad news, and that I have to wait until the end of January for the next one. I really don't understand why this is taking so long. It seems that the only times I do something stupid, like not wait enough after stopping is DURING the exam, when it matters. Suffice to say I'm a bit frustrated, but am also choosing to trust that God has a plan in all of this and that he has this too in his hands.

some other great movies i've seen recently

Here is a brief list of some GREAT films I've seen recently thanks to our film night & discussion we're doing following up the ¿Qué ves? outreach.

The Red Violin (French: Le Violon rouge, German: Die Rote Violine, Italian: Il Violino Rosso, traditional Chinese: 紅提琴) is a Canadian film (1998)

It's about the life of a violin and is a REALLY excellent film. And it's fun because there is a mix of French Canadian, French, English, German, Italian, and Chinese.



The Lives of Others (original German: Das Leben der Anderen), a German film from 2006, also EXCELLENT. About Naxi Germany, but also talks a lot about what it means to be free, or not. The original version is obviously in German.


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is also a great film, but a bit less obscure. It's interesting to watch it thinking about relationships.

And the other films we've watched this semester include Batman Begins & the Matrix, which are also great films, but not quite in the same category as the one's I've just mentioned.

Hey, and if you have any suggestions for good films that would also lend to discussion afterward, PLEASE comment and suggest them. Thanks!

the secret life of words

i just watched one of the best movies i've ever seen, definitely one of the best i've seen recently. "la vida secreta de las palabras" (the secret life of words) by isabel coixet who is cátalan (spanish). the film is in english (btw) and is EXCELLENT! i'm still absorbing it all. if you want to read more about it before renting it, you can check out wikipedia's page on it.

silly teen movies

i have no idea what possessed me to do so (although kelly, an old roommate, would be proud), but i watched "the clique" and "another cinderella story" this weekend, in the midst of cleaning. i don't quite know what possessed me to do so.

friday i watched "surf's up" with beth, carol & sarah jane (carol's 12 year old daughter), which is a good animated film and was mainly for carol & sarah jane. i had just skimmed through some films to rent prior to carol & sarah jane getting there and somehow hoped to watch a teen movie. so on sunday i somehow jumped back to that and actually did. now, neither movie was actually worth watching much of, but since i was multi-tasking and resting simultaneously (and had quite a bit to organize), i got through them both - both scary and crazy. i now have no idea why i am telling you this other than for kelly's sake and because i am tired and illogical right now. so, no need to do the same, although i would recommend "surf's up." and if you do feel the need to see a silly teen movie, "mean girls" is actually good and i'm sure kelly could add a good list.

hmm...

a friend just posted this from another blog and it seemed timely. on his blog, they are entitled, "christmas cards from God (my version)." they have some good things to say, so here are just a couple:

Dear Lonely Heart,
“Its not good to be alone.” I was the one who said those words immediately after I created the first human, and so I know that they apply to you as well. I was the one who created you with a longing for relationship. So, when you feel disconnectedness of isolation over Christmas - as you are feeling right now, I know why you feel that way. I see this and I have heard all of your prayers. But don’t forget that I’m with you always (Mt. 28:20) and that I love you.

Dear Busy,
Whenever I look at you, I see a blur of activity with a contrail of exhaustion. You seem to have less and less time for me; and thus less time for the things that are important to Me. I admire your drive but what you are looking for will never come your way by adding more things to your plate, or by pleasing more people, I know the way to the still waters and I know the way to the the truly greener pastures (Ps. 23:2 ). Trust me, before its too late.

a happy week...

this is only wednesday and i am somewhat exhausted, but also encouraged. this has been a fabulous week!

it started out at the end of a holiday weekend, which was nice although a bit emotional. after a somewhat overwhelming couple days, i hung out with my friend beth and her little man, lucas (her 7 mos old son) while her husband was out of town surfing. then later saturday night i went to my best friend's apartment and had a great time catching up, talking about life, getting some perspective, getting to listen and support her, etc., and of course it didn't hurt having her little girl around who always runs to me when i get there and gives me kisses, wants to sit in my lap, etc.,

sunday i went to a church right around the corner from my apt, that has great music and is just a breath of fresh air to me, the rest of the day i did what was absolutely FABULOUS - cleaning my room, listening to music, reading, and relaxing.

monday was a holiday, but since the week still was going to be busy, the morning i rested and then went off to meet tyler for our normal monday meeting (lacking dave, who was still on his surfing trip) to talk about our tuesday night of conversation, this week on FREEDOM. it was raining, as it has been most of the past week & weekend, and, being a holiday, most places were closed. we had some fabulous italian coffee (which is definitely the best) while we talked about freedom, pictures of freedom, how to lead this discussion, and how we can hope for the world to be set free and how we can be free, etc., good times... since julie, tyler's wife, had to take ellia, their 3mos old home, they invited me over for an incredible lunch of yummy californian chicken burgers with cilantro, ali-oli sauce, and such. fun times & great food.

i then was off to meet with alina, a girl i disciple/mentor, at atocha, the big train station (that also has an indoor garden with cafés and such around it). we had a REALLY good time, talking about some fairly deep and personal issues and what it means to submit your life fully to Christ, even when you (a) don't know the outcome and (b) want control over the situation and outcome (as if we really could). it was a really great time. i mentioned to her as we were leaving that she could come over (back to tyler & julie's) to both see ellia (their baby, who she had yet to see) and to preview the movie we'd be watching thursday at the movie night & discussion. since it was a holiday, she had plenty of time and came with a present in hand. we headed (back for me) to tyler & julie's and had a great dinner of pesto pasta & salad, while alina got to practice some english (she's hoping to study abroad in the US sometime in the next 2 years, but we always seem to speak in spanish) as we talked about babies, growing up, english slang & idioms, and other random topics. alina ended up heading home right as julie went to sleep and tyler and i began to watch, "The Matrix" at about 11pm, which meant we ended around 1am, when i got to walk home (which fortunately isn't that far away, just about 25min walking - really not that far, and on well lit streets that at that hour, actually still have people out, so pretty safe).

tuesday, i got up a little late (due to the late night and the day ahead), but then headed to the dentist for a couple fillings, which while i had to wait about an hour actually didn't take much time at all. i for one don't much enjoy the dentist, but it was fairly painless (as soon as the anesthetic kicked in and minus this torturous tarter removal thing, which fortunately didn't last that long and did make my teeth extra-white). on the way there i had gotten a call from the director of ágape in spain, edi, to say that he and javier (the director over western europe) were in town because javier needed to go to the hospital with his brother. anyway, they wanted to meet up if that was at all possible. after some confusion (during which i also remembered the english club we have on tuesdays) about where they were and when we were going to meet up, we met up at atocha right before their train was to leave back to barcelona and spent about an hour talking about madrid, ministry, how they could better resource the campus ministry in madrid in spain, and encouraging me a great deal (which was great!). i then was off back to the dentist, so he could level out the filling on one of my teeth, that felt a bit off. i went there and then RUSHED to the ¿qué ves? conversations night. it was great! we had a good crowd and while i was exhausted, the conversation went well and was encouraging as we talked about freedom and eventually what God and Jesus have to do with freedom, in the big scope and then also on a more personal level. it was good, which meant i got home yet again around midnight (which is more like 10pm in US standards). (everyone else there had to work the next day too.) part of what was so encouraging is that a real community is beginning to form, both from tuesday & thursday night activities.

that brings us to today... wednesday. i again woke up a little groggy and tired, particularly since it took me awhile to fall asleep last night, in part from getting home late, in part from a long day, and in part from the movie my neighbor was watching. i got up, had some coffee, read a little bit, and rushed down to móstoles, on the southern side of the city. i made some calls on the way, which were encouraging, to various students to meet up sometime this week (or next) and then met up with a girl i disciple, which again was great. it's nice to both see her growth and how the Lord is at work in and through her. we then went to the english club we have on this campus, and had about 20 people, half who came at 3pm and the other half who came at 4pm. we talked about holidays and a lot of things and had a good time.

then i was off to go to a church in móstoles which is SUPER supportive and encouraging. they wanted me to come by so they could pray for me and the ministry in madrid. i got sketchy directions, which means i got a little lost, but thanks to spaniards' helpfulness and my recognizing landmarks here & there to know if i was on the right path or not, i eventually found it after walking around for about an hour (it should have taken about 30min). the pastor invited me to coffee, where we caught up a bit and he asked me if i had been told what all he wanted me to share. he asked me to share a little devotional & what the Lord is doing on campus. no problem, i said, i'll just need a few minutes to think a bit. :-) (sometimes i don't know what goes through my head.) we went back to the church, people arrived, we had a great time of prayer & worship, i shared about what's been going on on campus, asked for some specific requests, and then shared some things i've been learning and studying in the word, as i study the sermon on the mount. the Lord was very gracious, as i thoroughly enjoyed it and was HUGELY blessed, as it seems i always am when i visit this church. the pastor walked me to the train station and on the way asked if i would consider leading the youth group there. i told him i couldn't commit to anything right now, but would pray about it seriously, as i would LOVE to do it (if it makes sense and if i can figure out how to fit it into my schedule within reason). i hoped on the train back to go back home and en route called my friend ruth to hear how her week has been going and some decisions she had to make this week. i got home around 10:30, which is good for this week, made a salad and later some tea, sent out some e-mails for tomorrow night and just catching up on e-mails, and am now headed to bed - exhausted, but hugely encouraged (and realizing that friday i need to take some time to REST, just BE, and to catch up on the admin stuff i haven't hardly even looked at this week - including a bizillion christmas cards and such, not to mention the present i desperately need to buy/make for my family & friends). but right now honestly i'm not so worried about my list of things to do, i'm just happy and content. it's amazing how much it ministers to me to have to share with others what God is doing and who He is. it helps me to REMEMBER and to put everything back into perspective. "seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all things will be added unto you." matt 6:33 "don't worry about tomorrow; each day has enough trouble of it's own." hmm... right now it's time to sleep a bit. :-)

Driving Test #2

So... here's the latest driving update. I went to take the test again this monday and... again failed. Yet I felt a bit better about the whole thing this time because I didn't do one thing wrong (even according to my less than positive instructor) except on one of the sharp right turns i went over the curb a tiny bit, which is grounds for FAILING me again. Honestly, it is almost humorous. And everyone I've talked to since then, American and Spanish and other nationality, has said, "Don't worry, that's completely normal. I passed it on my fourth try." (And note this is even from people 10 or 20 years older than me, who had also been driving for quite some time prior to it.)

But all said and done, I was proud of myself, for not once pushing the clutch before the brake, nor putting my hand inside the wheel upon turning, and not once skipping a gear.

And the other thing, much more calming than my "perfection" was that I was very aware and thankful for the Lord's presence with me and that I can trust that He is in control and with me. I had to get up at 5:30am, made myself a cappichino, which i don't think i actually drank, and some oatmeal that was too hot to eat before i left the house, or at least more than a bit, and sat down to do the Sermon on the Mount study I've been doing. I just happened ;-) to be reading a ton of verses about the law and how the law and the rules are good because they point you to God, your desperate need of Him, and yet they cannot save you. They don't have the power too, only Jesus can do that.

A passage in particular struck me as I read in Exodus after God gives the Israelites the 10 Commandments and Moses & Israel promise to keep the commandments, they make a covenant with God, and Moses sprinkles the blood (from the sacrificed animals) over the people and over the law. God says that he wants them to remember Him and that He is with them and that He goes before them.

As I read through the various passages and was praying about my exam, I felt the Lord say to me, "I go with you. I will be with you. Do not fear, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name. You are mine. Do not fear man, trust me to bring about my will and trust my will to be done. I will be there with you as you drive." And I asked the Lord to calm me, to help my feet to push the brakes before the clutch every time, to be aware of my hands, and anything else that I needed to know. I ask him to calm me and to remind me he was there. And He did just that. I was nervous, but calm at the same time. It really did go absolutely perfectly! No, I didn't pass, but I let him be God and me be man, which is a nice feeling, particularly since it seems that when I feel out of control often times I try to fix things myself (which makes no sense, if He is God). So it felt good to let Him be God and to trust Him.

And, while I have no idea what the future may hold, I am fairly confident that this third time will be a charm and will be my day to finally get my SPANISH DRIVER'S LICENSE. It is in two weeks (after paying some more fees, for having failed it twice, and then for the required 5 more classes I must take), most likely on a Wednesday, Dec 17, and likely at 8am. Please pray for me and also for the Lord to provide the extra money I need to take these silly classes and test. :-)

Note: Another fun thing about Monday was that it SNOWED!!! This may not be as noteworthy where you live, but in the city it RARELY snows and it came down hard for about a half an hour, really hard. Granted none of it stuck, but I've been asking the Lord to let it snow this year, and it DID. What I'd REALLY like is some snow that sticks at least for a day and at least a good inch to cover everything. I mean I'd love more, but that seems pushing it a bit already. And I'd LOVE a white Christmas.

So far it's been a much colder winter than normal, which I am presently stoked about (knowing it could mean, SNOoooW). We'll just have to see though. It is impressive, I must say that we've already had some snow and it's only the beginning of December!

Driving... :-S

Note: Picture by Nathan B Hughes

I failed my driving test on Monday. It makes me a little mad because I failed it because I didn't correctly understand the rule for a stop sign with no line on the ground.

Instead of stopping AT the stop sign, you are supposed to PASS the stop sign without stopping and go into the intersection until you can see clearly for 30-40 meters in both directions and then STOP completely (even though you may be halfway in the intersection). If you do stop at the stop sign by accident, or if you stop before the point where you can see cars in both directions fairly far down the street in BOTH directions, you have to come to a complete stop. If you pause at any moment to look without coming to a complete stop (even if you have already stopped once or even twice), then you technically have RUN THE STOP SIGN and you FAIL the test, which is what happened with me. I stopped twice (although somehow I didn't realize that I had to stop halfway into the intersection (because it seemed dangerous to me, go figure)) but stopped too early the second time, then inched forward and paused (NOT STOPPING FULLY) and so I failed the test. It took all of about 5 minutes.

In other words, long story short, I have to go back this next Monday to try again. PLEASE PLEASE pray for me.

I just got back from another pricey driving class (40 Euros) and the instructor, as normal, yelled at me a ton, asking me what was wrong with me and why I didn't listen every time I did the slightest thing wrong. My main problems were not being able to see far enough on the roads (you have to see the ENTIRE car, 30-40 meters away, which means that if you can only see the nose of the car or if bushes obstruct part of the car in anyway then you CAN'T see clearly, which is obviously grounds for yelling and insults (since negative reinforcement is the way to go)), when I had to stop quickly pushing the clutch BEFORE the brake (or at all before the car was going to stall), and once in awhile putting one of my hands inside the wheel to turn, instead of ALWAYS keeping them FULLY on the outside.

I am a bit fed up with all of this and ended up crying for half my lesson today. It infuriates me to no end that when I ask him to explain something, he always says, "I already told you that (which is generally NOT the case, or even if it is, I obviously DIDN'T understand if fully)." His other great responses are, "Of course" or "That's your problem, you're in Spain now and yet you act as if you're still in the US" or insulting the way my dad taught me 16 years ago. Oh, and if I do mess up, at least not stopping in the correct spot (due to a stop sign or yield) of course he SLAMS on the brakes to prove his point. This would be better if he then would actually explain himself well, so that I get what he's trying to impress upon me. Oh, the joys of relearning to drive! And for a mere 400+ Euros!

It's true that I am driving a lot more relaxed these days, have gotten a lot more used to his critique, and think that I may finally know all the tricks they could pull. I just want this to be over. I don't really like how tense I get while driving and for a couple hours afterward. God-willing this will all be over NEXT Monday. Seriously, do pray for me.

(matthew 25:35-36,40)

"Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life." Proverbs 4:23

"For thus says the Lord God: Behold, I, I myself will search for my sheep and will seek them out. As a shepherd seeks out his flock when he is among his sheep that have been scattered, so will I seek out my sheep, and I will rescue them from all places where they have been scattered on a day of clouds and thick darkness... I will seek the lost, and I will bring back the strayed, and I will bind up the injured, and I will strengthen the weak... I will feed them in justice." Ezekiel 34:11-12,16

"I will take you from the nations and gather you from all the countries and bring you into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleanliness, and from all your idols I will cleanse. And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statues and be careful to obey my rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be my people, and I will be your God." Ezekiel 36:24-28

Here are some song lyrics that caught my attention today:

"Mighty Is The Power Of The Cross" - Chris Tomlin

What can take a dying man and raise him up to life again?
What can heal a wounded soul?
What can make us white as snow?
What can fill the emptiness?
What can mend our brokenness?
Brokenness

[Chorus:]
Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall
Mighty is the power of the cross

What restores our faith in God?
What reveals the Father's love?
What can lead the wayward home?
What can melt a heart of stone?
What can free the guilty ones
What can save and overcome?
Overcome

[Chorus]

It's a miracle to me [2x]
And It's still a mystery [2x]
It's a miracle to me
The power of God
For those who believe

Mighty, awesome, wonderful
Is the holy cross
Where the Lamb laid down His life
To lift us from the fall
Mighty is, Mighty is,
Mighty is the power of the cross

Thank You for the cross [2x]
Love the cross [2x]
So Powerful...... ohhhhh yeahhh
What can take a dying man?
And raise him up to life again?

Worship You Jesus
By your wounds we are healed
By your wounds we are saved
Mighty is the power of the cross [2x]
Thank You Jesus for the Holy cross
---

"Worthy, You Are Worthy" - Matt Redman

Worthy, You are worthy
Much more worthy than I know
I cannot imagine
Just how glorious You are
And I cannot begin to tell
How deep a love You bring
O Lord my ears have heard of You
But now my eyes have seen

You're worthy
You're worthy
You're worthy
You're worthy to be praised
Forever and a day

Glory, I give glory
To the One who saved my soul
You found me and You freed me
From the shame that was my own
And I cannot begin to tell
How merciful You've been
O Lord, my ears had heard of You
But now my eyes have seen

We'll sing an anthem of the highest praise
We'll sound an anthem of Your glorious name
---

"Manners and Means" - Caedmon's Call

The heart is a lonely thing to lose in the dead of night
The heart is a sad thing to lose in the throws of a fight
The heart is the match to the fire
And the embers of desire, to keep it burning

I am a shell of the manner and the means
Mine is a story of nothing as it seems
But when we have come this far
And still don't know who we are, does it keep burning?

When it's over, and you see it with your eyes
Would you rather have the truth or a lie?

I call for angels to breathe holy on this rust
I call the snakes to come out slowly from the brush
I need a massive overhaul
A revival to fall, to keep it burning

The heart is a costly thing to sell in the prime of the years
And my heart is thinly veiled in the usual fears
The heart is the dream, and the kiss
That there could be more than this, to keep it burning
---

"Awake My Soul" - Caedmon's Call

The image of God invisible, the first born of all life
Before and within, he holds it all in
One name, one faith, one Christ

No one is good enough, to save himself
Awake my soul tonight, to boast nothing else

I trust no other source or name, nowhere else can I hide
This grace gives me fear, and this grace draws me near
And all that it asks it provides

No seam in this garment, all my rags to hide
No less than your love, for Jesus is mine

When I stand on the edges of Jordan
With the saints and the angels beside
When my body is healed, and the glory revealed
Still I can boast only Christ

To boast nothing else
---
"I See the Lord" - Mark McCoy, Andy Park

I see the Lord and His train fills the temple
I see the Lord, He is high and lifted up
I see the Lord and His train fills the temple
I see the Lord, He is high and lifted up
Angels cry? Holy, holy is the Lord?
Angels cry? Holy, holy is the Lord?

I see the Lord and His eyes are flaming with fire
I see the Lord and His hair is white as snow
Angels cry? Holy, holy is the Lord?
Angels cry? Holy, holy is the Lord?

The angels came and touched the coal to my lips
My guilt is gone and sin has been forgiven
And I cry? Holy, holy is the Lord?
And I cry? Holy, holy is the Lord?

And the temple is filled with the glory of God
And the whole earth is filled with the glory of God

He called to me? Whom shall I send??
I answered Him? I will go for You?
And I cry? Holy, holy is the Lord?

It just occurred to me why I've been in a little bit of a funk the past couple days and a bit more easily perturbed and overwhelmed than normal. My period, or regla, is just around the corner. Oh the joys of being a woman. At least I can see that, no I am not depressed or a complete mess. I can stop asking, "What is wrong with me? Why do I get so upset about the tiniest of things?" Obviously it doesn't justify my being mean or rude, but it gives an explanation of why I feel as I do, which somehow makes me put everything back into perspective and to not let it affect me as much. I just know that it will last about a few days to a week, then my regla will come and all will return to normal. So if over the next few days I become really emotional at the drop of a pin, it will have some explanation.

And, I guess as I write this, that reality is that my emotions are only exaggerated, so sometimes it's actually a good thing to get to the root of what is going on inside me but that would normally NOT come out. Just like being overseas. :-) Hmmm...

Psalm 136:26
"O give thanks to the God of heaven, for his steadfast love endures forever."

Psalm 30
"I will extol you, O Lord, for you lifted me out of the depths, and did not let my enemies gloat over me. O Lord my God, I cried to you for help, and you healed me. O Lord, you brought up my soul up from the grave; you spared me from going down into the pit.

Sing to the Lord, you saints of his (all who follow him); praise his holy name. For his anger lasts only a moment, but his favor lasts a lifetime; weeping may last for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

When I felt secure, I said, ‘I will never be shaken.’ O Lord, when you favored me, you made my mountain stand firm; but when you hid your face, I was dismayed.

To you, O Lord, I cried; and to the Lord I cried for mercy; ‘What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help.’

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."

Tonight I was feeling tired, weary, overwhelmed and burdened. It occurred to me that I have been running around all day, busy with things to do, fixing things, and just getting a million things done despite being fairly exhausted from my week of meetings in Barcelona and of lacking sleep.

I opened my Bible to read a bit and it fall to Isaiah 40. This isn't the general way I tend to go about things, but it was good for tonight.

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.
Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord's hand double for all her sins.

A voice of one calling:
'In the desert prepare the way for the Lord;
make straight in the wilderness a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain.
And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the Lord has spoken.'

... You who bring good tidings to Zion, go up on a high mountain.
You who bring good tidings to Jerusalem,
lift up your voice with a shout,
lift it up, do not be afraid;
say to the towns of Judah, 'Here is your God!'
See, the Sovereign Lord comes with power...
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of his hand,
or with the breadth of his hand marked off the heavens?
Who has held the dust of the earth in a basket,
or weighed the mountains on the scales and the hills in a balance?
Who has understood the mind of the Lord,
or instructed him as his counselor?
Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him,
and who taught him the right way?
Who was it that taught him knowledge
or showed him the path of understanding?

...To whom, then, will you compare God?
What image will you compare him to?
As for an idol, a craftsman casts it,
and a goldsmith overlays it with gold
and fashions silver chains for it.
A man too poor to present such an offering
selects wood that will not rot.
He looks for a skilled craftsman
to set up an idol that will not topple.

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
Has it not been told you from the beginning?
Have you not understood since the earth was founded?
He sits enthroned above the circle of the earth,
and its people are like grasshoppers.
He stretches out the heavens like a canopy,
and spreads the out like a tent to live in...

'To whom will you compare me? Or who is my equal?'
says the Holy One.
Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens:
Who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one
and calls them each by name.
Because of his great power and mighty strength
not one of them is missing.

Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel,
'My way is hidden from the Lord;
my cause is disregarded by my God?'

Do you not know? Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40)

I could write a bunch more, but that is exactly what I needed to meditate upon - God and His character and power. :-) Praise be the Lord God Almighty. And thanks to Him that He is oh so faithful to meet me just as I am and to lead me onward, reminding me that HE and He alone is my only hope and the one I need to cling to. I am not self-sufficient nor superwoman, nor do I even need to pretend to be such. He delights in me depending on and delighting in Him and in needing Him. :-) So sweet, he is.

My Trip Back (to Madrid from Barcelona)

I had a day full of travel today. After four days of meetings in Barcelona, talking about ways to improve internal communication with the student ministries and some other national decisions, I headed back to Madrid today.

I woke up, had some coffee, talked a bit with a friend (with whom I stayed last night), jumped on the ferrocarril (a train), switched over to the metro 20 min later, walked to the bus station, bought a very gross sandwich (I think it was a couple days old - all the veggies on it were brown, soggy and gross. Unfortunately it wasn't until I was on the bus eating it that I found out this sad news.), got on the bus to the outside of Barcelona Ryanair airport (an hour+ outside of Barcelona), went through security, got on the plane, arrived to Madrid, got on a bus, got on the metro, and then finally walked home.

It was a long day and on the last stretch of the metro I saw a couple brief headlines on the metro news (on tv's at the platform where you wait). I only caught a couple words as I walked past them, but they were a bit disturbing - Barajas (the Madrid airport), Bin Laden, Monday,... (It also just happens that I have an entirely too active of an imagination, so I likely unconsciously embellished what I actually saw and made up my own story.)

When I got home I asked one of my roommates if she had heard anything and, yes, she had. It wasn't a bomb threat, as I thought I had heard, but instead one of Bin Laden's 17 or so kids asking for political asylum in Spain (after being denied it in both the UK and in France). Very strange and I'm not quite sure what to make out of it (which seems was also true of the Spanish government). Apparently, according to various sources, he was denied asylum. So, I'm not quite sure where that leaves him. Interesting. Strange. And a bit unsettling.

If you want to read the stories I found, here are some of them (the ones in english: nytimes, bbc.

various random updates

As seems to be happening a bit too often recently, I can't seem to fall asleep so I am blogging. I do have quite a bit on my mind and have had a full week and for some reason am really happy and full of adrenaline presently (inexplicably other than having had a great day and a great few days). I finally joined a gym by my house which I tried out early this morning and loved, I got the color copies for an outreach we're doing on campus the week after next, had a great time talking with one of my roommates today, and am excited about my costume for the "metro" party tomorrow.

The party is a costume party where we have to dress as one of the metro stops. For instance, if you dressed as the Princesa (princess) stop, you'd likely dress as a princess. If you dressed as the Lavapies (wash feet) stop, you might dress as one who washes feet or as washed feet or one who has washed feet. You get the idea. So, I have decided to go as the Bambú (bamboo) stop and precisely to go as a bamboo fairy. There is no real explanation other than the idea came to mind, I got excited about the idea and the idea of making my costume and, really, when else can a grown woman dress up like a green fairy with wings and tights and sequins and fabric leaves all over, and real bamboo in her hair with a mask. There are really very few times. So, tomorrow is my excuse and I am excited about my costume even though all I have so far is some paint, some sequins, some possible skirts to sew onto or to copy, some random fabric scraps, a green shirt or two to choose from, bamboo, wings made from hangers and pantyhose (ready to be painted), some random ideas, and a little bit of time. So happy costume wearing to the rest of you if you happen to have the occasion.

Okay, now for the actual updates... things I blogged about at some point in time recent or earlier this month, but never got around to telling you how they went...

My second driving class was much better than the first. I think I amused my roommates and some friends as I told them about it. First of all, I think my instructor and I are understanding each other better. He wasn't quite as critical of me and when he was I found some new strategies to cope. One, encouraging myself out loud (which is what amused my friends, who said they weren't really surprised). For instance, when he told me, "What are you doing with your foot on the clutch, you should only have the brake on!" One of the times I responded, by saying, "Yeah, I know, but did you notice how most of the times today I've done it the way you want. In fact I think more times than not, something like three fourths of the time." Then another time I said, "Yeah, but imagine if you had to go to another country and "relearn" how to drive, changing minute details that you have spent the last 16+ years doing." He then said that he had been to the US and had rented a car. And I asked if it was an automatic. It was and then he chimed in that he had actually rented two and had driven in both Miami and Orlando, FL. The other tricks were that (1) I actually have begun to change how I drive, (2) my dad confirmed that the way I drive is the "right" way, and (3) after having talked to my dad, I asked a Spanish friend of mine who was kind enough to answer my e-mail with a thorough response of the fact that he drives the same way I do, that driving schools don't teach you how to drive just how to pass the test, and WHY the driving examiners make you drive this way (for example, they don't want you to turn your head because they assume you don't know how to set your mirrors properly). Actually my friend's explanations helped tremendously and the reassurance that I am not psycho nor that strange by how I drive, that it is actually what normal people do AFTER they have passed through the driving school and exam and actually learn how to drive. So, I am one step closer to a Spanish driver's license and car.