fall...

I just made some popcorn (I know I just said that below), but it got me thinking about fall and all the things I miss. Yes, it's fall here too, but somehow this year I feel more nostalgic and am more aware of all the things I miss.

I have always missed the changing leaves. The leaves DO change here, a little, but not like in Missouri, with the brilliant reds and oranges and yellows, with the piles of leaves all over the ground to be raked or jumped into or collected temporarily. I LOVED fall at Mizzou when I was in college. I'd always come back from class with a pile of leaves to put in a basket or something. I LOVED the rainbow of colors and still do... or that's what I miss.

Apple picking, making apple pies from the apples in my parents' backyard,... hayrides, campfires, fall camping trips,.... pumpkins, carving pumpkins, pumpkin pies (and being able to make pumpkin pies from canned pumpkin instead of either having to get someone to ship it or bring it over or making them from sweet potatoes or finding a pumpkin and boiling it),... chili, cornbread,... winter soups (okay, that i do make here. i make a ton of tasty winter & fall soups and do make chili on occasion. it's just not the norm and no one else is making chili.).

So, that is my bemoaning about nothing. Fall is the one season (okay, and maybe winter) that I miss here. They were never my favorite seasons, but I miss the snow, the changing leaves, and probably the trick-or-treaters too. I don't actually have any reason to complain. I live in Spain. You can't really compare with that. Yet this fall I'm melancholy and a little sad, not overly nor excessively just a little. And, if you must know, it has to do with a boy that I'm still getting over. (Which probably helps explain a lot of my emotional-ness as of late.) Somehow it seems like it shouldn't take this long, but it is. So that's why I'm all nostalgic and missing home a little more than normal.

a granola halloween

so... I just made some popcorn and, probably because I'm a little meloncholy and it's fall and getting cold here (primarily just cold enough that it would be nice to have some heat, but the heat doesn't come on until Novemeber unless it gets really cold. it's just the way it is. so we've broken out the space heaters but inevitably it's still cold inside, probably actually colder than outside. anyway, I'm digressing...), it made me think of my mom & Halloween growing up. we always gave out popcorn to trick-or-treaters. it's what we did. I grew up in a super-granola house where we didn't have refined sugar, refined flour, soda, candy, nor anything of the sort. My mom cooked with fruit juice, honey, fructose, brown rice syrup,... I actually LOVED that we gave out popcorn because, having been raised in a super healthy house, I didn't and don't like candy, except for maybe chocolate, dark chocolate. So, we'd spend the afternoon before the trick-or-treaters came popping popcorn and putting it in little baggies. Of course some people thought it was cool and would even ask for an extra bag and others thought it was lame.

My brother, sister and I would go trick-or-treating too and when we came back my mom let us have 2 pieces of candy, I'd give away all my candy except for the chocolate, and we'd put our jack-o-lanterns up in the kitchen on the shelf and have a piece or two over the next few days and then forget about them until next year.

A friend of mine makes fun of me because growing up in a granola house is different. My Easter bunny brought energy bars, nuts, raisins, and carob chips. No chocolate bunnies for me.

bright as yellow

"Bright As Yellow" - Innocence Mission

And you live your life with your arms stretched out.
Eye to eye when speaking.
Enter rooms with great joy shouts,
happy to be meeting.

And bright,
bright,
bright as yellow,
warm as yellow.

And I do not want to be a rose.
I do not wish to be pale pink,
but flower scarlet, flower gold.
And have no thorns to distance me,

but be bright,
bright,
bright as yellow,
warm as yellow.

Even if I'm shouting, even if I'm shouting here
inside.
Even if I'm shouting, do you see that I'm wanting,
that I want to be so
bright,
bright,
bright as yellow,
warm as yellow.

fashion pages

Some fun fashion pages & lookbooks I found recently:

garance doré
who what wear
lookbook.nu

100 days of action

I just saw this here and thought it was curious/interesting.

up in the air

This Thursday in the film night we'll be watching "Up In the Air." I just previewed it and have a bunch of themes and thoughts scribbled down of possible things to talk about/ questions to ask. It's a pretty relaxed environment but always good to have some fodder for the fire, just in case. I'd love any other thoughts you might have about the film, or predominant themes you saw, character analysis, etc., Here's some reviews I found that I found interesting. Oh, and don't read the reviews if you haven't seen the film and don't want to know what happened. Probably an obvious disclaimer, but anyway...:

In English (US)
ny times review #1
ny times review #2
Film Critic.com

In Spanish (Spain)
El País Review #1
El País Review #2
La Off-Off Crítica

My random scribbles:
- "Moverse es vivir"
- "Ir por el mundo con la mochila lo más vacía posible..."
- idea of "home"
- "backpack" - what is worth filling it with, is it better empty? - +/-
- connection vs. isolation
- freedom vs. strings/responsibility/connection
- isolation/solitude vs. responsibility/commitment/things that tie you down
- family, freedom,...
- solitude, worth, isolation,...
- "relationships are the heaviest weights in your backpack..."
- "some animals are made to live in symbiotic relationships... attached to one another... we are not..." (probably somewhat loosely paraphrased)
- "the slower we move, the fast we die... we are sharks..."
- "make no mistake... we all die alone..."
- human connection or the lack there of - ex. of the young girl, clooney, other woman,...
- absence, clooney's disconnection with his family
- "I tell people how to avoid commitment" - bondednes vs isloation
- "welcome home" after he counsels the fiancé of his sister to go through with his marriage
- the lady's solitude - her affair & desire for escape, a parenthesis in her mundane life of commitments (family, marriage,...)
- the irony of clooney's job & what happens with his relationship, allowing himself to feel
- variety of ways of dealing with emotional commitment or lack there of
- similarities & not to "About a Boy"

hmm... am i nuts?

so... i went and got my haircut today. i never like my hair when they cut it, so maybe in a couple days i'll change my mind.

but am i nuts? i went to a place my roommate recommended to me and told him to do whatever. i described what i'd had before, what i might like,... but when he said, "so basically you're letting me do whatever i want." i, of course, said, "basically."

he went to work, chopping away, which felt great and felt a little freeing. somehow recently anything that has to do with change feels great & freeing. somehow afterward i tend to think, "what was i thinking? everything feels like it's changed and is changing." that's why i wanted my hair cut short again. i actually was thinking really short, but anyway i thought, "i might as well leave hair cutting to the experts" since i have no idea. but it is super textured. he went a little nuts and yet i wonder if it's bordering on a she-mullet. okay, maybe that's exaggerating a bit, but i'm not a huge fan. maybe in a few days or a few months. BUT i need to remember in a few months that i like my hair long. i should let it grow out even when it gets to the awkward in between phase it was at before this crazy fiasco. okay... i am definitely over reacting. it is a good haircut, just not what i had hoped for. BUT then i told him to do whatever, so i can't much complain. next time maybe i'll have to make a trip to see my friend carlos (although he lives 2.5 hrs away). it's just hair, anyway! isn't that what they always say. i'll have to play with it a bit and get used to it. :-S hopefully a couple of days will make a world of difference. we'll see what people tonight say. if they like it, i'll feel worlds better. i'm such a dork.

beirut

Ok. Beirut is quickly becoming one of my favorite bands and they have the greatest videos too. Here are just a couple in the order of my preference of them. Enjoy!
video 1 - "knives and forks (la fete)"
video 2 - "nantes"
video 3 - "nantes" in paris

feist

I've been loving listening to Feist tonight and thought I'd post some youtube videos I found. What I love is the honest emotion sometimes mixed with a whimsical happiness of sorts. If that makes any sense. Anyway, here's some of her music. Enjoy!
video 1 - the park
video 2 - lonely, lonely
video 3 - 1234

...learning to walk by faith & to TRUST beyond what my mind understands and beyond what my eyes see...

"I'm learning to walk by faith & to TRUST beyond what my mind understands and my eyes see." That's what I wrote to a friend earlier today and what I was talking through with the Lord this morning. It was a lot more specific than what I just wrote, about specific circumstances in my life now and in the future, but that was the jist of it. I asked the Lord what he wanted me to do and felt like he said, "I want you to TRUST me and to walk by FAITH not by sight." I then thought, "But couldn't this still be a little easier!" Hmm... from there I asked the Lord for strength, peace, quiet trust, and to be still before him, seeing HIS power and strength. I guess if Jesus learned "by suffering," something which I still don't comprehend, but know that's what the Bible says, then I guess it makes sense that I would as well. I can't say that I'd choose this path, but if this is what the Lord, the One I love and trust and know is GOOD and has my best at mind, then I guess this is the way I'll walk.

"In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my life, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest droughts and storms

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are still, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground his body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave he rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final death
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from his hand
Till he returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

the Lord's sweetness

Over the past few weeks I have been BLOWN away by the Lord's sweetness and tenderness to me. It may sound odd to say, but he is most definitely the kindest, sweetest, nearest, faithful lover one could ever known. He has held me near and reminded me of what is true about HIM and about ME in the midst of a plenitude of emotional ups and downs...

So... what exactly does that look like? Some of it is probably too personal to post here. And some of it seems inappropriate to share because it is too specific to the situation. So, I'll probably have to think and post more later. But... here is just some of HIS sweetness...

Oh, how I love him. And yet as I say that I must say it has soooo very little to do with me and so much more to do with Him and His pursuit and consistency and oh so present love and tenderness.

It may be cheesy, but here's a song that just came to mind in respect to all of this:

"//He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane.
I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy

When all of a sudden
I am aware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us, oh
Oh, how He loves us
How he loves us, oh//

//Yeah he loves us,
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how he loves us
Whoa, how he loves.//

We are his portion
And he is our prize
Drawn to redemption
By the grace in his eyes
And if grace is an ocean
We're all sinking

So heaven meets earth
Like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently
Inside of my chest

And I don't have time to maintain these regrets
When I think about how he loves us
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how he loves us
Whoa, how he loves.

He loves us,
Whoa, how He loves us
Whoa, how he loves us
Whoa, how he loves."

Lists

So, somehow I hate just pitching the lists of movies I've watched, music I was listening to, books I've read,... So I just went back through the sidebar and while I did delete the books without thinking here are some bands I was listening to more before (not to say now i dislike them, i just haven't listened to them much as of late), or had discovered and thought were cool, and films I've watch probably the first half of the year. The lists are updated as of the past couple months (ie summer).

Music Finds & List
- Tune Yards
- Alabanza Misión Posible
- Assemble - my brother
- Marta Gomez
- Waterdeep
- Village Thrift
- Chris Tomlin
- Innocence Mission
- Ray LaMontagne
- Corinne Bailey Rae

Films
- Pollock
- Hurt Locker (En Tierra Hostíl)
- Okuribito (Despedidas) - Japanese
- Contact
- Big Fish
- A River Runs Through It
- Dead Poets' Society
- Invictus
- The Hedgehog (El Erizo) - French
- Bride & Prejudice
- Water
- The Namesake
- The Reader
- Avatar
- The Boys Are Back
- Whip It!
- Paper Heart
- In America
- Cold Souls
- The Class (french)
- The Diving Bell and the Butterfly (Le Scaphandre et le Papillon - French)
- The Orphanage (El Orfanato - Spanish)
- Doubt
- Dancer in the Dark
- Into the Wild
- Elephant
- The Mission
- Sunshine Cleaning
- Sin Nombre
- The Journey of the Red Ballon (Le Voyage du Ballon Rouge - French)
- American History X
- Julia & Julia
- Thin Red Line
- Pleasantville
- No Country For Old Men
- I Love You, New York
- The Secret Life of Bees
- District 9
- Where The Wild Things Are
- Almost Famous
- Dogville
- Up
- High Fidelity
- There Will Be Blood
- The Squid and the Whale
- Smart People
- Precious
- Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist

a day in NYC

It's been a few weeks now, but on the way back from the US I had a day in NYC, a place I will always love since I spent the summer there back in 1996 with "Summer In the City." Wow, that makes me feel old.

So, anyway, I have some of the greatest friends in the world in NYC and as always they showed me a great time. I met a dear friend, K, saw her new digs in the Upper West Side. Very swanky. We had a delightfully delicious lunch at a Mediterranean place, I can't remember the specific type of fare, but anyway. It was good and it was actually more about the conversation than the food. We talked about men, specifically the men that have been in our lives romantically lately and our unfortunate disappointments as of late. We both were hopeful it would work out this time and, at least for now, it hasn't. Sad. Frustrating. Disappointing. Illogical.... And a million other emotions and adjectives.

From there we went to meet up with another fun friend J to hear about his life, his possible job changes, or more exactly inevitable job change with an open door to a plethora of fun options for the future. It was fun to dream with him and to hear about the exciting-ness of having to make a change. And to hear about his lady friend, or more exactly girlfriend of about a year. We had yummy coffee and then headed through Italy-town, into Chinatown, while still talking about life and my desire to escape (with all the sadness of a recent breakup, about which I didn't really want to talk). So, j being the great friend that he is and the definite culturally ept soho resident, we went to the most incredible cocktail bar, Apotheke. It was amazing! I had a gingery jasmine sour, j had a sidecar (but the best sidecar i've ever had), k had something fresh called "seal the deal" with cucumber, vodka and also was pure yumminess. All very different, but all delicious! Definitely made the day & brightened my spirits. From there we went to a fun asian diner and had more yumminess - I had some kind of spicey green salad with shrimp and a delicious asian sauce of sorts, j had a yummy soup with asian dumplings or something and i don't remember what k had. From there k and i were beat, so we headed back to her place, talked more and crashed. Oh no, actually we went to the corner store (think NYC). I LOVED IT! I felt almost home (ie almost back to europe). It was a gourmet-esce store, but with everything crammed from floor to ceiling of a small corner store. The men working there were from somewhere else, but it didn't seem appropriate to ask where from exactly. Oh, and K is amazing. She bought Illy coffee which is by far my favorite (okay, maybe Kaldi's is up there too) in the whole world. YUM! And pb and soymilk and some yummy whole grain bread. Okay, she gets the amazing friend award (particularly after listening to my moping and pining). We then went to another place for tp because we had forgotten it and as I heard the clerks speaking Spanish, but from the States just from Latino families. I asked where they were from (in spanish) and either they weren't expecting me to ask in Spanish or something bc they acted like i was nuts. I said, "Nevermind." And we went home.

The next day we walked through Riverside Park (in You've Got Mail), took some pictures, met up with J and his girlfriend, walked around a bunch, went to an appointment she had, and eventually I made my way to the airport. I was happy to leave the US and return to normality. But I was also thankful to have some great friends care for me. :-)

quinoa!

Recently on fb I mentioned that I recently re-discovered Quinoa, a grain-like seed that you can make into a pilaf or incorporate in a variety of dishes. It acts kind of like rice, but is much higher in protein, actually it's one of the most complete proteins in one food, particularly a non-animal product. So, recently my roommate has been eating quinoa and I decided to get some too to eat instead of more carby grains or bread and it's working. I love it and it's more nutritious and delicious. So, here are some of the quinoa ideas friends mentioned. I know I have some good recipes around here from my sister too, but I'll have to find them and post them later.

Another new find, or re-find, is almond butter. Better for you and actually much more tasty than pb. It's more pricey, but delicious in smoothies, on toast, in oatmeal,... a nice way to add protein and yumminess to a million things. And apparently it's not too hard to make. I'll write if I find an easy way to do that. I'm just a bit weary of what machine I have that I could use to ground almonds & where to find a good, fresh source that's not too pricey of almonds. But I'm on it... we'll see...

Quinoa Ideas from friends:
I've just recently discovered quinoa, too, and love it. I've been cooking it in finas hierbas bullion along with corn, onion, and sometimes garlic. Then add some feta cheese and use to stuff tomatoes (I incorporate the tomato pulp that I scoop out into the mixed quinoa, so as to not waste it). Adjust seasoning to taste. Top stuffed tomatoes with a bit of mozzarella, and into the oven at 175 C for 25 minutes or so. Yum!

One of our summer favorites is a cold salad of quinoa, black beans, bell peppers, tomatoes, cilantro and maybe feta, with a cumin and chile powder enhanced red wine vinaigrette (avocado is also good but then it sort of loses its stash in the fridge for leftovers all week status).

Oh in the winter quinoa topped with kale or chard (cooked with lots of garlic in a sort of saute/stem/braise method on the stovetop). Or just used as a faster cooking sub for brown rice.

You can also make tabbouleh with it. It's way yummy and better protein than couscous

"Jesus cast a look on me,
Give me sweet simplicity.
Make me poor and keep me low,
Seeking only Thee to know.

Please defeat my busy pride
Cast it ever more aside
Bid my will to Thine submit,
Lay thee humbly at Thy feet.

Make me like a little child,
Of my strength and wisdom spoil,
Seeing only in Thy light,
Walking only in Thy might.

Leaning on Thy loving breast,
Where a weary soul can rest.
Feeling well the peace of God,
Flowing from His precious blood.

In this posture let me live,
And Hosanna's daily gift
In this temper let me die
And hosannas ever cry."

"Someday You Will Be Loved"

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And every time tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

a plethera of emotions

so... over the past few days i've gone through euphoric denial where everything is horrible but was "for the best," "actually a blessing in disguise," "not really as bad as i thought," etc.,... all that may actually be true, but i was not at all in reality, it was pure denial. then came the sadness & tears, many tears, and the feeling that it wasn't fair, AT ALL. that i didn't understand, i was completely confused, taken by surprise, side-swiped, frustrated, sad, not sure what to do, unable to sleep or eat and almost unable to stop thinking about it other than the fact that that drove me nuts. so my only option, and a good one at that, was to go to the arms of the One who truly love me, fully without limit, the One who rescues me, is oh so tender, oh so kind, oh so gentle, and yet awesome and powerful. and He blew me away. while the past few days have been filled with many tears, the Lord has met me right where I am and is teaching me to trust him even in this.

cuteness

i am sad today, but that is for another post. in my teary-eyed-ness i just called my best friend ruth and her 6 year old daughter elia just picked up. we talked briefly and then she asked if i wanted her to tell her mom that i was coming over. i said that i couldn't come over and she asked, "why not?" to which i replied, "i'm in the US at my parents' house." "what?" "well, i'll have my mom call you." "when is she going to be back, half an hour?" "i don't know, but don't worry, we'll call you." if only she knew that it's not that simple. anyway, elia's cuteness made me smile in the midst of my sadness.

i hate milk!

okay, so it's not entirely true that i hate milk, but milk does seem to dislike me or tries to reap havoc on my life at times. last night we went out for mexican food and unbeknownst to me there was cheese or some milk substance on my yummy tacos al pastor. not normal and not nice! so today i am STILL reaping the conse-quences of my unwelcome visitor. milk, i don't like you!!! (or at least when i don't choose you to be around! yes you taste good, but why must you make me feel so sick!!! it's my fault if i eat you knowingly, but why must people think it's a good idea to add you to things where milk just shouldn't be!!!) yuck!