You've Gotta Be Raised From The Dead

(another post from a class in response to Chapters 5-8 of Jerry Bridges' Transforming Grace)
Today as I read the next segment of Transforming Grace, I came across 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 in chapter six and I was overwhelmed with a sense of joy. "For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."

Reading and reflecting on grace the past two weeks has reminded me again and again of how far I fall short. Somehow my ingrained desire to perform and be responsible comes out even in my striving to live more by grace. I know, it’s crazy. And yet as I read this passage from 1 Corinthians, the Lord reminded me of what it means to be "compelled by love." It means to live as one dead to sin and alive to Christ. It means to live as the redeemed as the beloved child of God.

Dr. Douglass has again and again stated that our "first identity is first" and I at least intellectually accede to this fact. We are saved by grace, grace alone, and we are now saints securely seated with Christ. That is our first identity. In fact, over the course of this past weekend and past week, I’ve stated these truths again and again to some of the young believers to who I minister. I can explain them well to others and yet I struggle to live them out.

"You may still struggle with sin, but that is no longer who you are. You are a daughter of the King, you are God's beloved. Any sin that you commit or struggle with is accounted to Christ, not you. You in turn have his righteousness, a whiter than white that cannot ever be blemished even to the slightest degree. You are first a saint. That is who you are. Don't let Satan, yourself nor the world tell you anything else." This is the jist of several conversations I had this past week. And yet today, as I think about grace, I am reminded of my striving even striving to not strive. I, too, often forget that I am one of the last hour workers. I forget that I am like any of the myriad of examples Jesus and the Bible give us of those in desperate, dire need of salvation.

Fortunately, for me and us, God never leaves us there. Thank be to God that he doesn’t leave me there! As I am reminded yet again of the fact that I have been redeemed, I have died to sin and been raised to life, all I can think of is my Beautiful, Beloved Savior. He becomes my focus instead of all the things I do or don’t do. He is Holy, Righteous, Just, Glorious, Good, Loving, Beautiful, the Lover of my soul. He is my Lord, my Father, my King, and my Savior. That is indeed VERY good news.

And the irony of it all is that when my eyes are awed and fixed on Jesus, somehow I do both rest in his arms and produce good fruit. When I remember who I truly am in Christ, I live as such. When I focus on my doing, I become anxious, overwhelmed, self-focused, self-critical, and ultimately without any power to change. Praise the Lord that he rescues us, that his grace super-abounds all the more when our sin abounds. Praise the Lord that he has made us dead to sin and alive to Christ. His love compels us.

"...we've cried and we've tried and we've sweat and we've bled. but we don't just need atonement, we need to be raised from the dead... you gotta let his blood stain you if you want to be free..." -- if you want to be free, waterdeep

Re-Entry Thought #10

I've now been back for a few months and today as I went running I passed the "new" high school. Basically, it's new to me. I think it's been there for probably 6+ years, but I haven't been around much in that time.

Well, school is in season and I just happened to be running around 4pm, when sports' practice is in full motion. So, I saw baseball players and games going on. I saw football players. And I saw cheerleaders.

Let me just say that it was hugely surreal, super strange. I mean, really... baseball? I haven't seen a baseball game in at least 6 years, but possibly longer. I have seen NO ONE with a bat or with a glove,... so it was weird. I've been having a lot of these "it feels like a dream" moments recently.

Today I finally went running, running outside. It's been weeks.

Today I realized that I've been going and going and going without much margin for ME. I need to run, I need to be still, I need to be in nature,... I need to just BE and not constantly be DOING. That was the conclusion I came to today.

Somehow sharing with a couple people the fact that I was starting to feel overwhelmed and hadn't figured out how to put running and exercise and me into my life, actually helped me to get out and do it. So, THANK YOU to my dear new friends.

And now I'm SO energized to move forward.

Tied Up In Knots Somewhere In The Woods

This is a post from a class I'm taking. Thought it was worth repeating.

“God provides for us, not just when we’ve done everything right, but also when we’ve screwed up. We can cry out to him when it’s our fault and ask for his mercy and grace.” (Tammie Matlack paraphrased)

This is what I don’t understand. I know that I don’t merit anything from the Lord on my own; it’s always God’s grace that he would choose to bless me. And yet I find it hard to believe that God’s grace still covers me when I really don’t deserve it, when it’s my fault that I’m in a certain predicament.

This past spring I sold most of what I owned in Madrid and made the arrangements necessary to move out of my apartment and move back to the US - sell my car, close my bank account, try to hand off pieces of the ministry I led in Madrid, and other details. I prayed about the details and all that needed to be done and, yet, was acutely aware of the things I didn't deserve. And that made me anxious. I didn't have everything under control. And it would be my fault if things didn't go well; my fault, I thought, that I hadn’t had the foresight to think through all the details. So I prayed, but didn't expect God to fix things. I expected him to provide in some way, knowing it would be okay, but expected it to be messy. God was in no way bound to bless me, particularly if it was my fault anyway.

As I say all this “out loud” on paper, I know it sounds ludicrous. But, if I'm honest, this is what my emotionally charged thought process was. One specific example has to do with my landlord letting me out of a lease that binded me to pay rent until October. I now needed to move out the end of May and, in my messed up mind, I blamed myself for not having figured this out the previous October. I reasoned that since I found out the previous September that I would most likely would have to leave Spain for six months, that I should have figured it all out then. Instead I was busy with life, deeply grieving the end of a relationship, still trying to figure out what I was going to do with the six months I needed to be gone, and assuming my roommate would live there with a subleaser. Instead of figuring it out, I had put it off until now. Now it was almost March and, knowing I had to give her two months notice, was fearful of what might happen.

Around this same time, friends of my roommate were in town. At a staff meeting we both attended, I asked for prayers about the details of my move and things with my landlord. The wife of these friends (Tammie Matlack) later said to me (paraphrasing), “Isn’t it hard to believe that God would bless us even when we don’t deserve it?”

Today as I read Jerry Bridges state, “Grace is not a matter of God’s making up the difference, but of God’s providing all the “cost” of salvation through His Son, Jesus Christ.” I thought back to this situation and realized that I still have trouble believing the depth of God's grace.

As I read the analogy of the Grand Canyon, which I ironically have shared millions of times with students, it occurred to me that not only do I need Christ to bridge the gap, but I need him to lift me out of the mess I’ve gotten myself into that makes it fully impossible for me to even get to the bridge. I’m tied up in knots somewhere off the woods and need Jesus to rescue me from me, need him to forge a way through the forest, need him to build the gigantic bridge, and I need him to carry me to and over the bridge. I have nothing, nothing whatsoever, to bring to the table. I am fully and completely bankrupt and fully and completely crippled.

In Romans 5:8 it is stated, “But God demonstrates His own love in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ died for me, gave me his righteousness and standing with God, WHEN I UTTERLY DIDN’T DESERVE IT! I know this to be true. And yet, as I write this, it still hasn’t made it all the way into my heart.

Oh, Lord, help these truths to go deep into my heart of hearts. Help me to cease striving and know that You alone are God. Help me to realize that I’m covered in filthy rags that I can’t even take off on my own. Have mercy on me, sweet Jesus.

“All who are thirsty, all who are weak, come to the fountain, dip your heart in the stream of life. Let the pain and the sorrow be washed away in the waves of His mercy, as deep cries out to deep. Come, Lord Jesus, come…” (“All Who Are Thirsty,” Brenton Brown)

Re-Entry Thought #9

Metro Madrid, oh how I miss you!

It's a true fact that the metro in Madrid, Spain, is one of the best in the world. It is impeccably clean, there are 14+ lines, it is inexpensive (about a dollar a ride), efficient (you generally only wait a couple minutes if you miss a train), and takes you nearly anywhere in the city and the outlying area (county) fairly quickly. And that doesn't even mention the extensive bus system and train system which go farther out the city to suburbs and to other cities. You can go ANYWHERE by just paying a few dollars.

Here in the US, on the other hand, there are only a few cities that I know of where there is anything even close to comparable. St. Louis is not one of those cities. Apparently back in the day it was, with an extensive system of trolleys. But that was long before my time, long before I was even born. Instead it is odd that one even could walk from one place to another. Usually the distances are larger and not made to be walked. You might have to cross a highway or something. And then if you were to try to hike across town you likely would look like a vagabond. Right now I live in the suburbs. I know that I am much more comfortable in the city. I like walking where I need to go. I like not having to drive. I like public transportation.

That being said, I do like driving, but am realizing that I miss all the walking and the ease of just walking down the street or up the street to catch a train to take me wherever I wanted to go, whenever I wanted. Or to walk around the corner for the grocery store, or just downstairs to go to the bank or bookstore or coffee shop. I could walk everywhere I needed in just a couple minutes. Not here. Not even close.

Metro Madrid, oh how I miss you...

Re-Entry Thought #7

Win! One win for me.

This morning I was in a staff meeting and actually gave some sound grammar advice. I even proved to amaze myself. And I found it more than a bit ironic that the girl who just got back to the US, who can hardly speak correct English herself is giving out English grammar advice. I did actually say that part out loud - "but then what do I know... I'm the girl who can hardly speak proper English herself."

Thought it was funny. And I'm totally proud that I can now speak English well enough to ONCE in awhile (probably very ONCE IN AWHILE) give out unsolicited English grammar advice. Ah, the joys of re-entry.

Re-Entry Thought #6

Phones. Móviles. IPhone. Outdated flip-phone. Fone. Phone. I can't even hardly spell "phone" correctly. (Which is even more ironic considering the next post, that I just wrote.)

But anyway... the thorn in my side right now is that I have a fully functional and beautiful iPhone 4.0 that I bought in Spain for $50, but that I can only use with a free wifi signal in the US. No Sprint, no Verizon, no nobody,... And both the phone and the plan cost about double here - something that I can't presently afford. I'm still investigating, but right now I have the phone I used 6+ years ago, a cute white flip phone and no not a nice mini-phone, but one of the bulky you can almost feel the radiation from the battery in your hand type, pre-pay phones. I should be thankful for what I have. I'm working on that. But I remember fondly my days of checking and replying to my e-mail on the metro, skyping friends for free throughout the day on my PHONE and showing them whatever I wanted to (oh, and seeing them on my phone). One day... all things will be made right. (And to be fully honest, I'm a little conflicted. I have a love - hate relationship with all the new technology. On one hand I love having some of it, but two am very aware that at times I am a product of the horrible consumerism in the US. I don't want to just follow the man and buy into the system. But that is something else to write about another time. Good things to think about that expose the impure places in my heart that despite my best efforts continues to follow things that don't satisfy nor bring life. This may have to do with re-entry, but is a much deeper issue. Oh, the wonderful grace of Jesus to save me despite my very unworthiness & my, even now, at times very unrepentant heart.)

Re-Entry Thought #5

Fall here comes early. Or where did my summer go? Or why are people asking me how my summer was? Isn't it still summer?

Yesterday I sat in on a meeting with the staff I will be working with this fall. At one point we were asked to answer the question, "How was your summer? Highs and lows..." What? My summer? Don't I have a month left? It is only early August, right? Oh, yes, August marks the fall in the states... It's Europe that has August as their vacation month, NOT the US.

I got back to the US early July and haven't really stopped since I got back. I haven't slept in the same house for more than a bit more than a week yet. I haven't yet gotten all my luggage and I definitely have neither had a vacation nor gotten settled yet. I will get settled, but this year there wasn't much time for my birthday and there definitely hasn't yet been time to catch my breathe. I'll be fine, but no I didn't really have a summer. Summer in Spain begins in mid-July and ends the end of September, here it begins in May and ends in early August. So, I got back here "early," meaning early July, but it's early August and I'm gearing up for my vacation, which would generally be in early September. Yes, there is some logic to my crazy emotions even if I definitely feel out of place and a little confused, many times for no seemingly logical reason. Ah, the joys of re-entry. And this doesn't even begin to address the fact that I keep on forgetting meals because it the timing is off, but that's another subject for another day.

Not Helpful

Recently I sat through a couple seminars on grief and how to walk with others through grief. Then yesterday I experienced exactly some of what they said NOT to do. I may not be in the depths of grief, as the result of a death or severe loss, but I am in the midst of the grief and transition of moving back to the US after six years abroad. Abroad is home, not here. My best friends, those in my daily life, and my "family" all live THERE not HERE. I am in transition and coming to grips with the loss of moving.

Well, yesterday I finally pinpointed one of my "fish out of water" moments and was able to pinpoint why. A girl told me how much she appreciated what I had shared about missing Spain and then proceeded to tell me that she understood exactly what I was going through. This summer she went overseas for a couple weeks and she missed her family a lot. I wanted to be sympathetic and appreciate her efforts to empathize, but... that is NOT HELPFUL. She may want to be empathetic, but she DOES NOT have any idea what I am going through. I don't want to bemoan my situation nor do I need to talk about it as much as I may do from time to time. YES, I do have some growth that need to take place. Life, even life right now, is NOT all about me. BUT... you don't understand reverse culture shock unless you've experienced it. And I'm sorry, but six years and a month are not the same. You may experience a glimpse of it after a month, but not really. It is NOT the same thing.

I need to remember this too, but one point I was brought back to from those grief seminars was that unless you've been through the same thing, it is NOT AT ALL HELPFUL to have someone say that they understand what you're going through. Some other examples people gave from the seminar were people who had lost a pet telling someone who had recently lost a parent that they understood what they were going through. BULL-POOP! And I think someone else likened someone's dealing with cancer by saying they understood because they too had just been really sick with the flu, or something like that. How would anyone thing that is helpful?

I know those are extreme examples, but even with something as seemingly benign as reverse culture shock, you just someone to listen, to say they're sorry, or to say, "you must be going through a lot right now" sympathetically, or honestly just saying nothing and not understanding is MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH MUCH better than saying they understand because they too have gone on vacation. Give me a break. I know this is a bit fuerte or critical, but just thought I'd process and share a bit. Thanks for listening.

Re-Entry Thought #4

A couple nights ago i was at a party and someone asked me how tall i was in spanish and i told him in feet and then said, "but i can't remember how many centimeters that is" (as if he'd even want to know). Oh, the joys of reverse culture shock.

america, america

I've been meaning to write a post about all that I do like about the US. As I mentioned before, it's always easier (and in some ways I think you have authority to do so) to be more critical with whatever group you fall into, or whatever country you live in - that is as long as you have freedom of speech to do so without being killed or imprisoned. That is one thing that I appreciate about the good US of A. I recently returned for a time from Spain to the US and thus am in the midst of re-entry / reverse culture shock / etc., and thus can be a bit more critical. So, here are some of the things I love here.

1 - That we do have rights such as freedom of speech, freedom of expression, freedom to be free, freedom of religion,...

2 - That we tend to value hard work, positivity, hope, encouraging others, tolerance, diversity, learning,... (We're by no means perfect in this and there are BIG problems, but this is true here in a way it is very few other places.)

3 - That you can accomplish a million things in one day. Efficiency. (I don't think this should be a higher value than community and than people, but I do appreciate it a ton.)

4 - Whole Foods... stores open 24 hours or later than meals, since I'm still pretty messed up in terms of the whole meal thing... It's common that I forget to eat lunch until 4pm and that I don't eat dinner or think of it at 8-10pm. And I'm STARVING at lunch, or my lunch, for a two course meal and at dinner for a tapa or two.

5 - I'm sure there are many more, but I'll have to do this when I'm more awake. :-)

Re-Entry Thought #3

Ah!!! My body is falling apart! Not really. But my hand HURTS! And just my left thumb.

I went and got a massage the other day and mentioned it to the woman. She said it looked like I had a bit of carpel tunnel. She asked if I'd been typing a lot. NO. I said it might be because I'm driving a heck of a lot more than normal. I'm used to walking and taking the metro or bus or train and once in a blue moon driving. Here I drive nearly everyday. I wish it weren't the truth, but it is. I have no choice. I can't walk or take a bike on the highway. And there are no other options. So I drive. And my hand hurts bad. She said I should start going to yoga as long as my body is getting used to driving. She said the pain in my back and in my lower back is from that too. REALLY? All that from beginning to drive everyday. Not good.

So that is my saga. I have a parasite (or probably many) that are slowly being killed off and I have a million aches and pains because my body isn't used to driving AND it's used to walking several miles a day. Sorry, little body.

Re-Entry Thought #2

I recently drove to and from Colorado. BUT since I got back to Missouri, I've seen COUNTLESS people wearing what look like ipod headphones, WHILE THEY DRIVE!!!! How in the world?

Apparently they are likely iphone headsets or other phone headsets. I guess I've been spoiled in Spain to have "hands free" built in to my car. Yes, it was installed by the gal who owned my car before me, but it's there. And if it weren't than I wouldn't be able to talk in the car BECAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL! And even though I am now in the US, I can't really believe that it's legal to talk in your car. I did see a billboard somewhere in Colorado or Kansas or Missouri saying that it's illegal to text while driving, BUT that seems to be the extent.

So, really, you think it's better to drive with HEADPHONES on instead of actually hearing the outside world and holding your phone in your hand while driving. Craziness...

I really thought I was going nuts until I found out that it was completely normal. Where am I? Not in Oz anymore.

Re-Entry Thought #1

I went to some friends' double birthday party a few nights ago and as I left felt oddly awkward. Being in the process of reverse culture shock, or re-learning my own native culture, I wasn't surprised, but I was trying to figure out why. It occurred to me that two things had occurred that my cultural radar had picked up on.

(1) Americans go home early. It was 11:30pm and I was enjoying myself and expected the party to go on for at least 2-3 more hours with others staying late or heading out somewhere else. This is what would have happened in Spain. Not in the US. Around 11:30pm those remaining all left in about 2 seconds, which involved their quick goodbyes to the host. It felt abrupt and as if they had realized they had overstayed their welcome, which by the way I don't actually feel was the case. I offered to help, finished what I was saying to the hostess, and took off, feeling like I wished there was something else to go to. Yes, I'd get home at 12 or later, due to the drive home, but that's early for Spain for a night of hanging out with friends, and note NOT a late night. A late night, such as New Year's Eve would go at least to 7am. I'm no longer in Madrid.

(2) The other "strange" reality to my spanishized self happened a few times throughout the night. I had been talking to someone who got ready to leave, albeit someone I had just met and I felt VERY odd that they just walked off, sometimes without really saying goodbye. Or they did SAY goodbye, but there was no physical contact. No besitos, or spanish air kisses, no hug, no handshake, no nothing. Not that they did anything wrong, but in Spain things would have been done differently. So I found myself leaning toward them waiting for them to say goodbye, but instead they just took off.

Then there were those I hadn't met or to whom I hadn't been talking to right before I left, I always expected to receive besitos and for them to come over to say goodbye. It wasn't like we were a massive group, but alas NO. They said goodbye to the hosts, generally just a shout out and immediately left. No saying goodbye and hovering for a half hour. No making the rounds to say goodbye to everyone at the party, including those they had yet to meet. Nope. A quick, "okay, we're leaving. bye." End of the story.

I on the other hand either would have made the rounds AND said goodbye, but lingered for 30 minutes more, getting into one or two more last conversations. I tried that, unconsciously, but since I was the last one there, it WAS probably a bit awkward.

AHHHH, the craziness of re-entry. I'm sure this is merely the first of many awkward, at least in feeling, stories.

Para - what?

:-S Sorry for the gross picture and reference... but after a few days of spending time with other missionaries who have lived overseas for a time, realizing that my digestive system wasn't getting any better, and sharing some of my symptoms with people who live or have lived in developing countries, and then consulting with a friend who is a doctor, I came to the conclusion that my worst fears had come true (ok, that's a little overly dramatic). I did most likely, in fact, have a parasite of some sort that I had gotten, I'm fairly sure from the Subway restaurant in India.

I won't go into detail about the symptoms, but I've begun a parasite cleanse that means 30 days of taking capsules and drops of a mixture of herbs to kill the alive ones, the eggs, and to kill the eggs that hatch into alive little guys. Yuck.

The first 2 days I felt like poop. But then it occurred to me that I was killing living beings inside me, so it was no wonder. Now I feel pretty good as long as I watch what I eat, or more the quantity. Oh, the joys of life sometimes.

the current

Okay... I've been searching a good radio station since I got back to the US. Unfortunately I've yet to find anything consistent in STL, but I did find a FABULOUS station in Minnesota. The Current, Minnesota Public Radio. I like it even more for that. But the MUSIC is fab. And I've had it on all afternoon and NOT ONCE wanted to change the station. Thank goodness I can stream it here. Enjoy!

En Serio? What?

I went to meet a friend at First Watch the other morning for breakfast. So after breakfast I returned to my car to drive home and happened to glance at the guy in the truck next to me who was PICKING HIS NOSE HAIRS! What? In a parking lot that was fairly large and well traveled. He was parked directly in front of First Watch so those inside could watch too. What in the world? And he looked at me and continued with his tweezers in hand and looking in the rear view mirror. What in the heck would possess you to do that in the NON-privacy of your car? Isn't that something more well fitted for a vacant parking lot, or even better, your OWN HOUSE or at least a public bathroom or something. A little more discrete location. What in the world?

New Eyes

I got back to the US about a week ago and this time around will be here longer than normal, what in someways seems like an infinite amount. And I am VERY much in transition and culture shock. I generally experience all of this, but it's amplified greatly by the fact that I'll be here awhile longer than normal.

Thus I'm trying to see my "coming back" in the same way as I would if I were to go any new culture. I'm trying to observe and to "be open" instead of making quick judgment calls about nearly everything. And yet that's a hard thing to do when it comes to your own culture. By nature we as Americans feel the "right" to be as critical as we want of our own culture and right now nearly everything here that is "different" seems wrong and stupid to me. If it were the reverse I would say "oh, it's just different. i just don't understand how their culture works yet. I'm not from there so i have no right to be critical quite yet." And yet I am from here, so it's hard not to be critical despite the fact that I have change.

I've been so intentional about trying to understand and adapt to Spanish culture that I've forgotten some of how it is here. I guess it's normal, I've been here a week after 8 years in Spain.

I'll try not to be too critical of US culture, but I'm giving a disclaimer now: I'm in MAJOR transition, so I'm sorry if I'm critical. It's going to take me time to re-adapt.

Here are my somewhat harsh first observations (some which are always my thoughts when I return stateside):

I wish I could walk, take public transportation, instead of a car EVERYWHERE. St.Louis has ONE and a HALF metro lines and I've been told it is because we don't want the people from the city who would rob and increase crime in the suburbs to be able to easily get out here. (That seems INSANE. Seriously we believe that the city holds the "bad" people and the suburbs have the "good" people. That's a load of poop. And would they really get here more easily in public transportation. I'm guessing any real criminal can probably access or rob a car to get out here just as easily. And, unfortunately, I felt MUCH more safe in a big city in terms of walking at night alone. Yeah, maybe that was a European city, but maybe the problem is not city versus county.) And thus there are way too many cars and way too big of cars. Plus gas prices have skyrocketed. I knew this, but it's still a shock.

The food here (I know HUGE generalization) has no flavor to it. Huge portions are given and yet only sometimes is the food incredibly delicious. I know comparisons might not be good, but in comparison I could get food for half the cost and I almost always at INCREDIBLE food. And there I'm not exaggerating. Even grocery fruits and veggies lack flavor.

Cell phone prices are DOUBLE! No where else that I know of in the whole world pays for incoming calls and texts. To the best of my knowledge our prices are HUGE in comparison. For a technologically advanced country, this seems ironic. I guess if people are willing to pay... it probably isn't going to change.

Restaurant menus have MILLIONS of options that overwhelm me. I just need a few good options, not 100. Same with grocery stores. Okay, maybe I'd like more olive oil, olives, jamon serrano, queso manchego, but the grocery stores here are HUGE. At least two of my normal grocery store in Spain would fit in one here.

Too much noise!!!

Too many, "I'm sorry, did I come close to touching you or get a tiny bit too close." I'm so sick of hearing, "I'm sorry..." Physical touch is not bad. Brushing someone by accident is no big deal. Yeah, if you bump someone apologize, but the rest is too much.

Too many smiley, falsely happy people. This is probably a little critical and fully culture shock, but I get sick of the shiny-happy-people-holding-hands attitude. I like nice, kind people, but when they are genuine not fake. American culture is way more "polite" that what I'm used to, and it's driving me a bit batty.

Too much stuff.

Too little fashion sense.

Too COLD!!! Why am I freezing inside in July? I understand the need for AC, but couldn't we moderate that a bit?

And overpriced bad coffee... (Okay, I did go to a yummy NOT overpriced place this morning. But not the norm... or at least where I am right now.)

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