time is ticking away...

how am i? hmm... that's a good question to which the basic answer is good, great. and yet i am a bit overwhelmed by how quickly time is passing and all the things i both need and desire to get done and yet seem to fall by the wayside.

then there is the other question of the fact that my biological clock seems to be ticking all the more loudly recently. i love my life and i like where i am, what i'm doing, etc., and yet have this nagging desire to be married and to have kids. it isn't old by any means, but in less than a month i turn 33 and have no real prospects in the potential spouse category. there are interests with whom nothing seems to be happening, even though the interest seems two ways. we're friends, but i guess "he's just not that into me" because nothing more has happened and it has been awhile. yeah, he's busy and has a lot on his plate, but still... and then another guy recently asked what it would take for me to move back to the states in a year and said some other things that implied more. but i have no intention of moving back to the states any time soon, not out of stubbornness, but because i feel like God has called me here (if not for longer, at least for now). he could move here, no? and who knows anyway. but then is he going the same direction as me? no lo sé.

ahhhh!!!! why me? i KNOW that God has all things in his hands and that he has not forgotten me in anyway nor turned his eyes aside, but right now I'm a bit impatient. i want babies! maybe not this second, maybe not even for a couple years, and maybe i don't understand all that that would bring. i'm not excited about giving up my independence, but i think i'd be willing. i just need the right guy, one that fits with me and with whom i'd want to spend the rest of my life. not someone perfect, because i'm not perfect either but someone with whom i fit. it seems like a lot to ask. i don't just want to make it work or find someone good enough. i don't want to get married, just to get married, or just to have babies. no, that's not what i want. it's not my desire to remain single, but it would be much better than to be unhappily married. and i know i don't want to settle. and yet i am presently a bit discontent and longing. oh, Lord, rescue me from this mess! i do trust His will and plan more than my own, but i do long for a partner in all of this and more now than in a long time. so, while life is good and i am honestly doing well, this is the honest truth of something that has been on my mind on and off for the past few months.