Perspective

A friend of mine, Deb Heefner, gave a great devotional during Xtrack (the CCC Cross-cultural Training at which I have been coaching people headed overseas).

As a means of revisiting, processing, and sharing, here are my notes and I'm sure some added thoughts:

Psalm 73 (ESV):

Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.

But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek. They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind. Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment. Their eyes swell out through fatness; their hearts overflow with follies. They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression. They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth. Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them. And they say, “How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?” Behold, these are the wicked; always at ease, they increase in riches.

All in vain have I kept my heart clean and washed my hands in innocence. For all the day long I have been stricken and rebuked every morning. If I had said, “I will speak thus,” I would have betrayed the generation of your children.

But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end.

Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors! Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms. When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you.

Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works.


Salmo 73

Ciertamente Dios es bueno para con Israel, para con los puros de corazón. En cuanto a mí, mis pies estuvieron a punto de tropezar, casi resbalaron mis pasos. Porque tuve envidia de los arrogantes, al ver la prosperidad de los impíos. Porque no hay dolores en su muerte, y su cuerpo es robusto. No sufren penalidades como los mortales, ni son azotados como los demás hombres. Por tanto, el orgullo es su collar; el manto de la violencia los cubre. Los ojos se les saltan de gordura; se desborda su corazón con sus antojos. Se mofan, y con maldad hablan de opresión; hablan desde su encumbrada posición. Contra el cielo han puesto su boca, y su lengua se pasea por la tierra.
Por eso el pueblo de Dios vuelve a este lugar, y beben las aguas de la abundancia.
Y dicen: ¿Cómo lo sabe Dios? ¿Y hay conocimiento en el Altísimo?He aquí, estos son los impíos, y, siempre desahogados, han aumentado sus riquezas.

Ciertamente en vano he guardado puro mi corazón y lavado mis manos en inocencia; pues he sido azotado todo el día y castigado cada mañana. Si yo hubiera dicho: Así hablaré, he aquí, habría traicionado a la generación de tus hijos.

Cuando pensaba, tratando de entender esto, fue difícil para mí, hasta que entré en el santuario de Dios; entonces comprendí el fin de ellos. Ciertamente tú los pones en lugares resbaladizos; los arrojas a la destrucción.¡Cómo son destruidos en un momento! Son totalmente consumidos por terrores repentinos. Como un sueño del que despierta, oh Señor, cuando te levantes, despreciarás su apariencia. Cuando mi corazón se llenó de amargura, y en mi interior sentía punzadas, entonces era yo torpe y sin entendimiento; era como una bestia delante de ti. Sin embargo, yo siempre estoy contigo; tú me has tomado de la mano derecha. Con tu consejo me guiarás, y después me recibirás en gloria. ¿A quién tengo yo en los cielos, sino a ti? Y fuera de ti, nada deseo en la tierra. Mi carne y mi corazón pueden desfallecer, pero Dios es la fortaleza de mi corazón y mi porción para siempre. Porque he aquí, los que están lejos de ti perecerán; tú has destruido a todos los que te son infieles. Mas para mí, estar cerca de Dios es mi bien; en DIOS el Señor he puesto mi refugio, para contar todas tus obras.

"as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped...

(v. 3-12) ... they... they... they (focus on "they" - "they"- -- symptoms of something deeper)
(v. 13-15) ... I... I... I (focus on "I" -- also symptom of something deeper)

v. 16, 17 "... but when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, UNTIL I went into the sanctuary of God..."

v. 23, 24 "... nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory."

v. 25-26 "... Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth, that I desire beside you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

He was overwhelmed until he entered God's presence. Then he gained perspective.

1. He saw God's Perpetual Presence

"... I am continually with you ... I uphold you with my righteous right hand."

"I'm okay, daddy, as long as I am holding your hand." He will not let go. The crowds may come, but he remains faithful. (The picture of a dad in a large crowd with his little daughter. She is calm and secure as long as she knows her dad is there holding her hand (and thus protecting her).)

v. 27-28 "... For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge, that I may tell of all your works."

2. He gained Perspective (instead of "they" or "me" being the focus, HE needs to be our focus)

... YOU will guide me with your counsel
... with His counsel, He will guide me, giving us perspective and lifting our eyes up to him
... there will never be a point where I do not have his counsel, even if it seems cloudy or confusing or unknown

3. He saw the God was/is his Profound Provision

... HE is Our Power and Our Portion
... the promised inheritance
... He's my Rock, He's my FORTRESS, He's my DELIVERER; in Him will I trust. Praise the name of Jesus!

... He is my portion and my life forever... He is enough, more than enough...

4. He saw that God is Just and Fulfills his Promises

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance." (2 Peter 3:9)

5. He sees the goodness of God's Presence and Protection (v. 28)

... the nearness of God is good
"... Taste and see that the Lord is good... and He is my portion forever."

Where is your refuge? Where do you run to?

Refection Questions:

- What are times or areas of your life when you have been more apt to focus on the "they" (either blaming, judging, being critical of them, worrying, wondering what they might think, etc.,) or on the "me" (protecting your rights, being self-critical, self-protecting, self-centered, prideful, etc.,)?

- What have you found to help you in these times?

- What are some warning signs for you that you are focusing on "them" or "me" too much?

Note: By the way, isn't the little lizard ADORABLE!!!

Coffee shops in USA vs. España

I just sat down in a coffee shop to visit a friend and am struck by the complete silence. I remember this place having music or something, but I think the greater contrast has to do with the differences between Spain & the US. Coffee shops in Spain are a place where people meet to talk or to socialize. It is rare to see anyone sitting alone and if they are they are likely reading the paper early in the morning and talking on occasion to the guy behind the bar and to the locals. In the US coffee shops can be places to meet people, but are also places to get work done, to study, to sit down alone for hours on end. Thus the difference... Spanish coffee shops are FULL of activity and noise. American coffee shops may too be somewhat noisy, but may sound more like a library than a social place. It is odd to me to look around and to see one, only one table with more than one person. And it only has two people. And presently NO ONE is talking, just about everyone has a laptop out and if not than a book from which they are studying. Granted I am in a college town and it is about 16:30 in the afternoon, but still. Even if I am here to catch up on e-mail, journal, and to be alone with other people around (and ideally with some noise to help me concentrate, ironic i know), I would like others to be interacting with each other.

The Joy of Hybrids

Those of you who were with me in Orlando, now know all the joys of the Toyota Prius and probably more than you wanted to know. And for those of you who weren't you can now read all about the AMAZING and ECONOMIC Toyota Prius.

My dad offered his car for me to drive to Florida (from St.Louis) and back, along with my other driving needs during my time in the US. It has been a HUGE blessing, just to have wheels, but also INCREDIBLE that it is a hybrid, due to crazy high gas prices.

So, first of all, my dad's hybrid, which was the first Toyota Prius Hybrid they made is not quite as fancy as my mom's new updated one. His doesn't have cruise control nor anything more than a radio & cassette player and there are a few little details they have ironed out since this first model. BUT, all that said, despite it not being a manual car, it is a FABULOUS car.

1 - You get great gas mileage. I've averaged about 40 MPG, but I think gotten up to 42 or 45 MPG from time to time. (My mom's newer prius gets about 50 MPG.) In comparison to a normally fuel efficient non-hybrid, this is incredible. This is probably the coolest thing.

2 - There is a fun little screen in the car that keeps track of your mileage at any given time, both present and it tracks it with a bar graph in 5 mile increments. Secondly, there is a fun little graphic you can look at that shows where energy is coming from and going to.

3 - My mom's new and improved prius has some added features. It is MAGICAL! You just have to have the keys on you to open the door. But you don't have to actually take them out. You just touch the door handle and magically it opens! And you touch it again for all the doors to open. You can do the same with the trunk, just touch it and MAGIC it opens (if you have the keys on your person). Then you sit down and put the power button and turns on. Again no key. Easy and AMAZING!

And this little car safely took me across the country and back. So there you go. My dad and his little hybrid are amazing!

Ode to Lawrence...

So... I am presently in my old home of Lawrence, Kansas. I spent a few years here in between Sevilla, Spain, and Madrid, while I was on staff with CCC here at KU (University of Kansas).

I have to say that Lawrence is a GREAT city and one of my favorite places. Part of it is sentimental, emotional and more about the memories and people than the actual place. That being said, here are some of the things I love most about Lawrence.

1 - Mass Street & downtown - part of what I love about it is it feels European to me with all the outside seating along the street, little cafes, great local food, a pretty large area that you can walk around and to, great art & art galleries, good coffee, good sushi, good mediterranean food,...

2 - You can still walk or ride a bike around town and it is somewhat normal

3 - The great hills to run or bike

4 - The million local coffeeshops, each with its own character and most with a GREAT soy cappichino

5 - KU - the campus is beautiful, the energy of a college campus, it's on a great hill, the great feel of a college town, memories,... KU basketball

6 - Signs of Life, Milton's, Wheatfield's

7 - Clinton Lake and the trails leading there and around there

8 - Great mountain bike trails & great memories both of flying off my bike and of not

9 - Grace EPC - a place & family that I love dearly - genuine community, great teaching - an amazing place

10 - there are a million more reasons Lawrence is great and the people I know and love there are definitely a huge part.

driving...

So, I have just made the short 20+ hour trek from Orlando, Florida, to Lawrence, Kansas, with a brief stop in Atlanta, Georgia, where I spent the night at Macy & Rick's place, on the 29th floor of a skyscraper in Atlanta's downtown. (Macy spent a year with me in Sevilla, Spain, back in 2000-2001.)

While I was driving I made a little list of possibly blog-worthy subjects (along with several other idea lists or to do lists):

The Joy of Hybrids
Florida Roadkill
Izzes & Izze-esque
The Amazing Ipod Sync-er
Three spiders & much doghair later...
Shots of Coffee & Driving
The many things which can be done while driving
Ethiopian Food
Child Soldiers in Burma
Last Night
Yesterday - Me & Jesus
Fear & God
Atlanta
God's Tenderness to Me
Ode to Lawrence, KS

The next few weeks is going to be fairly full, so we'll see if I get to blogging any of them before I make another list and get back to the posts I've already begun from my time in Florida.

Vision, Hope & Dreams

Part of my job on occasion, actually quite often, is to write a vision plan, to write what I see in a person's life (strengths, giftings, personality & character traits, areas for development & growth, etc.,) and to dream (based on these things and trusting the Lord to work in them) what the Lord could do in them and through them in their next step of life and helping them to develop a Personal Development Plan (a plan of how to grow both in strength areas and areas of weakness). I love doing this. Having just finished writing three of them (consisting of 2-6 pages each) I am energized and ready for them to conquer the world. And it helps me to rejoice in how the Lord has made them and things he may do in and through them in the coming years.

gators

I am presently living in the state filled with gators and have just a couple of stories so far related to gators.

One, the other day as Erica and I were driving home from a great time at a Sara & Mike's place, I saw something snake like up ahead in my lane. As I got closer I mentioned it to Erica and at just about the same time we both said, "Is that an alligator?" I think it made both of our days because we have been dying to see one since we got here. Its length was about the width of my car (actually my dad's car on loan - a toyota prius) and it was dark brownish green (although it also was about 1am and very dark out).

Two, apparently CCC has at least one little gator on its property at Lake Hart. I have yet to actually lay eyes on it, but I have dreams of going in search of the little gator or even finding a few more. I have ideas of how to find it, but nothing that is sane enough to carry out.

true hope

I'm still studying and here are some more excerpts from my notes. Amazing!!!

At Christ’s Return – Complete Restoration of God’s Image

The amazing promise of the New Testament is that just as we have been like Adam (subject to death and sin), we shall also be like Christ (morally pure, never subject to death again): “Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall also bear the image of the man of heaven” (1 Cor 15:49). The full measure of our creation in the image of God is not seen in the life of Adam who sinned, nor is it seen in our lives now, for we are imperfect. But the New Testament emphasizes that God’s purpose for creating man in his image was completely realized in the person of Jesus Christ. He himself “in the image of God” (2 Cor 4:4 NASB); “He is the image of the invisible God” (Col 1:15).

In Christ we see human likeness to God as it was intended to be, and it should cause us to rejoice that God has predestined us “to be conformed to the image of his son” (Rom 8:29, 1 Cor 15:49): “When he appears we shall be like him” (1 John 3:2).

I so long to be complete and to really be like him.

(from page 445 of Wayne Grudem's Systematic Theology)

what is our purpose in life?

I am presently studying for a seminary class I am taking and graciously the Lord is meeting me in the midst of it to remind me of who he is and what he things of me. Here are some of the notes I just wrote down.

Why was man created?

God did not need to create man, yet he created us for his own glory and we do bring him joy (he delights in us). The trinity was complete, with perfect love and fellowship.

We were created for God’s own glory.

Isaiah 43:1-7 – “But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. I give Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Seba in exchange for you. Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your offspring from the east, and from the west I will gather you. I will say to the north, Give up, and to the south, Do not withhold; bring my sons from afar and my daughters from the end of the earth, everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.”

Ephesians 1:3-12 – “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.”

This fact (being created for God’s own glory) is a fact that guarantees that our lives are significant. When we first realize that God did not need to create and does not need us for anything… Scripture tells us that we were created to glorify God, indicating that we are important to God himself. This is the final definition of genuine importance or significance to our lives: If we are truly important to God for all eternity, then what greater measure of importance or significance could we want?

What is our purpose in life?

To Glorify God! To enjoy God and take delight in him and in our relationship to him.

John 10:10 - “I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.”

Psalm 16:10 – “You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.”

Psalm 27:4 – “One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.”

Psalm 73:25-26 – “Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

Fullness of joy is found in knowing God and delighting in the excellence of his character.

As we glorify God and enjoy him, Scripture tells us that he rejoices in us.

Isaiah 62:5 – “For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.”

Zephaniah 3:17-18 – “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. I will gather those of you who mourn for the festival, so that you will no longer suffer reproach.”

I love these verses. It is so good to be reminded of what is true and of who I am because of who God is.

being known, or unknown

I am finding that one of the hardest things about being in the States, but here in Florida, in Orlando, is the fact that I am somewhat unknown to people here. Yes, I know a lot of people, but none of them know me WELL, none of them are really close friends. And that is hard, hard not to really feel known, at least by anyone present in flesh and bone.

I have good friends just a call away, but somehow that feels different. I can't jump in the car or on the metro to go see them, or at least not with frequency nor in any kind of quick time frame. I can't just stop by.

Yes, the Lord is VERY present and, yes, this is a great time to draw near to him, but he has created us to be known and to be in relationships. So, when I am tired, a bit emotional, and haven't had much time to process life, I miss my good friends and I long to be married, to have someone who more or less goes where I go (and I with him), someone who when I am a bit strange or emotional might get frustrated with me, but also loves me and can speak truth and grace to me, someone who moves when I move and who knows my past and present and I his....

I just talked to one of my roommates about this, some of the things that at time are less than pleasant sides of singleness.

mansos y humildes

Not too long ago I began studying Matthew 5, or the sermon on the mount, where Jesus teaches the multitudes some pretty radical things.

"Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying: Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

This is just the first part, what is commonly known as the Beatitudes and it is deep. Today, I was looking at verse 5, which says, "Blessed are the meek (or humble), for they shall inherit the earth." To understand better what is all here I looked up the word translated meek or humble in the original text, in the greek. Thanks to the internet, looking it up in Vine's Expository Dictionary was super easy. What I found there seemed share-worthy.

The word used is "praus" in the greek. Según Vine's praus, an adjective, means "gentle, mild, meek." It comes from the noun, prautes or praotes.

Vine's states that it consists not in a person's "outward behaviour only; nor yet in his relations to his fellow-men; as little in his mere natural disposition. Rather it is an inwrought grace of the soul; and the exercises of it are first and chiefly towards God. It is that temper of spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good, and therefore without disputing or resisting; it is closely linked with the word tapeinophrosune [humility]...

it is only the humble heart which is also the meek, and which, as such, does not fight against God and more or less struggle and contend with Him. This meekness, however, being first of all a meekness before God, is also such in the face of men, even of evil men, out of a sense that these, with the insults and injuries which they may inflict, are permitted and employed by Him for the chastening and purifying of His elect...

In Ga. 5:23 it is associated with enkrateia, "self-control." The meaning of prautes "is not readily expressed in English, for the terms meekness, mildness, commonly used, suggest weakness and pusillanimity to a greater or less extent, whereas prautes does nothing of the kind. ... prautes describes a condition of mind and heart,... It must be clearly understood, therefore, that the meekness manifested by the Lord and commended to the believer is the fruit of power.

The common assumption is that when a man is meek it is because he cannot help himself; but the Lord was 'meek' because he had the infinite resources of God at His command. Described negatively, meekness is the opposite to self-assertiveness and self-interest; it is equanimity of spirit that is neither elated nor cast down, simply because it is not occupied with self at all."

As I read these definitions without going much further, I find myself both convicted and in awe of God. It speaks of God, who was meek & humble "because he had the infinite resources of God at his command." Isaiah 53 gives an image of Jesus that speaks to this,

"For he grew up before him like a young plant, and like a root out of dry ground; he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted.

But he was wounded for our transgressions; he was crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed.

All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted, yet he opened not his mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent, so he opened not his mouth.

By oppression and judgment he was taken away; and as for his generation, who considered that he was cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people?

And they made his grave with the wicked and with a rich man in his death, although he had done no violence, and there was no deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him; he has put him to grief; when his soul makes an offering for guilt, he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days; the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.

Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied; by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant, make many to be accounted righteous, and he shall bear their iniquities.

Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many, and he shall divide the spoil with the strong, because he poured out his soul to death and was numbered with the transgressors; yet he bore the sin of many, and makes intercession for the transgressors." (emphasis mine, Isaiah 53)

And then in John 1:1-5,9-14 it is written, "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through him, and without him was not any thing made that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it...

The true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world. He was in the world, and the world was made through him, yet the world did not know him. He came to his own, and his own people did not receive him. But to all who did receive him, who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God, who were born, not of blood nor of the will of the flesh nor of the will of man, but of God.

And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth."

where i'm living (for june)

for the month of june, during xtrack (the cross-cultural training i am helping with), i am living in kissimmee, florida, a suburb of orlando and an extremely diverse part of the US (fairly unlike where i grew up). i hear more spanish and tagalog (the language spoken in the philipines) and several other languages than english. this doesn't exactly help me in readjusting culturally, as i never know what language to speak nor where exactly i am (in what country). but it is fun.

i've found a great place to get tacos (taqueria), a good sushi place, i've tried filipeno food, am getting to know some people at a local coffee shop, and have found some places to go running (and to get out into the more rural area).

not to mention the fun people i get to be around and the endless opportunities to hang out. definitely something that ministers to me as an extrovert. volleyball, soccer, watching arrested development, tacos, water polo, watching european football & the european football tournament (in which spain is doing well -- woohoo!),...

unmet expectations

It is really a crazy thing. I am a fairly laid back person and in Spain it takes a lot for me to become frustrated with the culture. I'm sure there are exceptions, but generally I at least like to think that I am fairly easy-going.

But, since arriving back to the States, it seems that my expectations are much, much higher and somehow things just haven't worked as smoothly as I expect. My roommate and I were talking about it today and the fact that we have probably idealized the "perfect" customer service found in the US.

Since I have been back it seems more often than not that customer service people or employees at various places have been somewhat rude, not just not helpful but downright rude. And since moving into the condo we're living in for a few weeks, it took a week and a half until we could get our internet & wifi to work, we now have a fuse fully blown and they don't want to call an electrician (so we have to move), our key was given to someone who lived in a different building (by mistake), and things just don't go fully smoothly.

As I write this all out, it seems obvious that life is full of little disruptions and bumps in the road, but in my mind, things go smoothly and without disruption in the US. It is only overseas that I have to have low expectations. :-) And presently I am a bit like a fish out of water in my own country. :-) The one thing that helps me feel a bit more normal about having emotions a bit out of proportion with what is going on is some of the stuff we've been discussing in this cross-cultural training I am helping with here in Florida. When we change environments (and particularly countries - even in moving back home for a time, or to another location in the US) we are kind of like a plant left out of soil or water for awhile. We have exposed roots. And thus we wilt a bit and feel unsettled. And even if we are loosely put into soil, it takes a bit of time to re-adapt. So it is normal, I am normal, just desiring normality a little more than normal.

Hmmm... if I look at the positive side, I guess this is/will be good for my growth and learning (about myself, God, life,...).

our little walk & jerry

I got back from Charlotte about 16:00 and gobbled up some long overdue lunch. After going to visit some neighbors my roommate Erica and I set out on a little walk... or so we thought. We went the way I've begun to run, which is a few miles long and decided to take Neptune Road to see if it was a shortcut home. We walked and, as were were deep in conversation, we continued to walk. and to walk and to walk. We were talking about our homes overseas, life there, students, people's openness to the gospel, life and lo que sea.

After awhile and at least an hour and a half later Erica asked me if I thought this road was going to hit highway 192 and take us home or not. It also occurred to us that neither one of us had a phone nor money with us, just my keys (including car keys, which at this point were completely useless). We talked about just cross-countrying it, but due to the many nice man-eating fauna of florida and the many marsh lakes filled with water moccasins and supposed gators (or so we've been told), we opted out of swimming the swamps or trekking cross-country. We walked a bit more passed MANY dead end roads and two roads we were sure would veer to the right, but to our chagrin actually went left.

At this point Erica asked what I thought about going up to a random house and asking for directions (and hoping they might actually give us a ride home). So we approached a house and then saw some nearby people in their yard and headed over there. We didn't make it to the people that we had seen (they disappeared in the time it took us to get there), but we did find a guy (jerry) who was helping his great aunt out of the car. So we asked for directions and he said it was at least three miles to highway 192 (not to mention the trek from there). So we took off and walked a ways. Granted we were tired, but his 2-3 miles seemed much farther than that. We asked a random guy on a bike, who was not totally there and gave us directions to some major highways that went in the opposite directions and would take us north instead of south. About the time we were going to say goodbye to him, a truck pulled up, honked and parked a little ways up from us. He asked if it was a friend and I thought (I sure hope so).

We walked up and sure enough it was Jerry, our newfound friend from Mexico City. He offered us a ride home and we jumped into his truck. It was definitely at least 5-7 miles back and he told us that if we want a good time to give him a call. :-) He offered to buy us a drink or dinner, but we got him to just take us close to where we're staying. But we do now know a bit more of Kissimmee, Florida, where we will be for the next few weeks. Fun times.

Completely Random

I just wanted to write that as of late, on this blog I am completely sporadic and random. I have some things I was going to post, but always when I have no internet access. So, just know there is much more happening and on my mind than what seems to land on this blog. In all reality this will probably be the case for the next couple months. :-)

Driving to Orlando, FL

So, I did have a little road trip, but it was quite different from what I previously had thought it would be. The night before I left, if finally hit me that gas prices are crazy expensive and that it would be better to see a few people I hadn't planned on the way instead of trying to pack it all in on the way back, knowing I also had to be in Kansas soon after.

So, I didn't go to Louisiana nor to Mississippi, but went straight east to Atlanta, which by the way took about three hours longer than mapquest had said. (And the only time I stopped was to fill up for gas, once for coffee, and maybe once to go to the bathroom.) I stayed in an amazingly cool apartment on the 29th floor of a skyscraper in the downtown Atlanta with an amazing view of the city and surrounding areas and with a very nice porch and a million windows. I saw Macy and her husband Rick.

The next day I took off for Panama City, where I stayed with Angélica, from Madrid, her husband Dan, and their cute son Noah. I didn't actually see the beach, but did see the port and got to speak some nice Spain spanish. Also we watched Invincible, which by the way is a great movie! (It's about a guy who tried out for the Philadelphia Eagles at open tryouts and got on the team. Pretty great story!)

Then I took off for Kissimmee, close to Orlando, FL, where I am now and will be for the next month.

Cultural Moments

So, there have only been a few strange cultural moments so far where I've thought, "What am I supposed to do in this kind of situation? Agh, I don't quite remember..."

Some of it has just been not remembering English words or realizing I have just either spoken in Spanish to someone who knows no Spanish, or used a phrase that is not English... or mixed idioms from Spanish, English, and who knows what.

For instance... there is something you say when a situation can change "in the blink of an eye" or whatever that goes something like... it's balanced on the edge of a sword or knife or something like that, yet I still can't quite remember how it goes and tried to say it the other night talking to some friends and messed it completely up. :-) And I think there was some other kind of thing I said the other day that sounded fairly illogical or completely unintelligable.

Other moments include the other night at some friends of my friend Becky's house. She introduced me to one of her friends and I paused not knowing quite what to do. I almost gave him the 2 spanish kisses, but paused and thought, "What do I do here? Besitos? No. Um.... um.... it's something else... oh yeah, shake his hand (helped by him putting out his hand). It really was a bit awkward, so I then laughed and told them how incredibly confused I had been for a moment. Craziness... when you can't remember what is normal in your OWN, native culture.

Some other oddities have been... in the line at the grocery store or at Target when they expect me to know what to do if I'm paying with a credit card. It's not hard, but I tend to just look at the lady a bit clueless or like a deer caught in the headlights. And the lady acts like I'm a complete freak. Oh well...

... in the produce section of the store I feel completely wrong picking up the fruit with my bare hands and inevitably want to look for the plastic gloves that don't exist. And then I want to look for the machine to weigh them or a person to weigh them and give me a sticker with the price, which again don't exist.

... my first day driving, after about two years of not doing so, and I might add a bit jet lagged. So I got in the car to go on a few errands. I made a wrong turn and had to turn around, so I got off the highway, stopped at the red light, looked both ways and then went straight through the red light. Halfway through the intersection, which fortunately had no cars in it, I realized what was happening and thought, "WHAT am I doing???!!! I just ran a red light!" I obviously continued through it and then came to a green light, which I then stopped momentarily and then realized again that I was a bit messed up. Since then I have stopped at several green lights, but haven't run through another red one.

So, other than my urge to speak spanish way too often and not remembering english words, these are the main cultural blunders I've had thusfar.

Coffee or Tea?

Since I first came to Spain, in 1999, I have loved coffee, particularly espresso or a good cappichino. In fact I make myself a soy cappichino most mornings in Spain.

Well... from time to time, knowing that caffeine really isn't that great for your body, (specifically it drains your adrenal glands and makes you more tired overall and actually decreases you alertness and ability to concentrate (and obviously you become a bit addicted and dependent on it)) I take a break from caffeine all together. And somehow it is much easier to do so in Missouri suburbia than it is in Madrid, Spain, where life revolves around food and coffee. It's true.

So upon arriving home, I pulled out the Spanish cafetera, spanish coffee pot my dad bought when he was in Spain (but by the way has never actually used himself ;-)) and began making coffee & cappichinos. Well, after about a day or two, I just got tired of the hastle of making it and thought, "Now would be good time to detox my body from coffee and caffeine, at least now when things are a bit more tranquilo (calm)."

It didn't hurt that I found some Key Lime Rooibos Teavana tea (no caffeine or teina) in the kitchen, which by the way looks really pretty (with flowers and such) and tastes good and refreshing. So at least for a little while I will be decaffeinated and more of an Herbal Tea girl.

Prince Caspian

A few days ago my parents and I went to see the new Narnia movie, "Prince Caspian," based on the book by C.S. Lewis. It was great! I am a bit biased as I listened to my dad read these books growing up and I just think they are great stories. It takes you to this magical land and I always love how Aslan is portrayed. Anyway, it's definitely a movie to see, although it's a little violent for little kids (in my opinion).

Road Trip

So... I am headed off on a little road trip. The truth is that it really is more about getting from Missouri to Florida, but I figured that I might as well add in some fun stops that include places I've never been to, specifically New Orleans. It helps also that I have friends and family along the way.

So, here is the plan thus far.

I'll take off from St.Peters, MO, early Tuesday morning (june 3) and head south to Louisiana. I'll hang out there and hopefully get to see my friend Danielle and crash on her couch. Then I'll take off the next morning to go along the southern coast and stop in Tallahassee to see my friend Angelica (who is actually Spanish and from Madrid, I met her here, but now she her husband and little boy reside in Florida) and her family and spend the night there. Then I'll take off leisurely the next morning to finish the trip to Orlando.

I'll be in Orlando for about a month as one of the coach for CCC's cross-cultural training for staff heading overseas long-term.

Then early on July 11 I'll get back in the car, head up to Atlanta, to maybe grab a meal with Macy and her husband. I'll head over to Huntsville, Alabama, to see some cousins on my mom's side and possibly spend the night there. I'll, either that night or the next morning, head up to Louisville, KY, to hang out with my good friend Kristie who recently came to visit me in Madrid (and do tons of research for her PhD). I'll get to see her baby and family and then make the trek back to St.Louis.

I'm excited... particularly about the New Orleans part and seeing some friends I haven't seen in quite awhile. :-)

Can you believe this is real? It's in the Black Rock Desert in Nevada. Amazing!

Relativity

AHHH!!! So, I just overheard someone say, "What's the difference between someone saying that a 10 year old can marry a 50 year old, or saying that Jesus is Lord? If someone's religion believes that than they should be free to practice whatever they believe. And who is the government to define or pass laws that tell them they can't do what the believe. Everyone should be free to practice what they believe to be true."

What a load of poop! I mean really! No standards what-so-ever? I mean, I agree that we should have freedom of religion. But, at some point, we also need to define what moral issues we are going to take a stand on. It can't just be total anarchy or total "do whatever you want, whatever feels good to you." As I said before, what a bunch of poop!

There are things that are not just about preference. I mean, for instance incest and rape and murder and theft. Someone could just as quickly say, "I think it's okay to take from people who have enough." That's not just okay. And particularly when it hurts someone else or violates someone else's rights or puts one's own life in jeopardy. It's not just okay. And I think it's perfectly fine for us to dictate that a girl is not old enough to marry at the age of 10, particularly if it's to a man four times her age.

Note: They were talking about some show on TV about polygamy, cults, Mormons,... and this was right after the same person went on and on about how horrible Bush is and how anyone who agrees with him should be locked up... So, what gives someone the right to say that Bush is wrong, but that everyone else can do whatever they want. I'm not saying that I'm all in favor of Bush, but I am saying that if everything is relative than it's a complete contradiction to than say that someone is wrong, no?

My first week back in the US

This picture in some ways describes my first week back. Rain, rain, and more rain...

The weather has definitely been primarily that. Rain and cool.

In terms of happenings, of what I've done... I have observed the US culture a bit from afar, almost as if I were coming here for the first or second time... somewhat from a distance (which i guess makes sense, since it's been two years).


... I've renewed my driver's license, changed my voter's registration to Missouri from Kansas (where I lived before moving to Spain), got a new library card and residence card in St.Peters, MO (where I grew up and where my parents live), got an international driver's license (super easy, just pay $15 and show them your US license), sent off to renew my passport,...

... was shocked by the huge rise in gas prices and prices in general... I think it's all about doubled... to the point that it's about the same as europe prices (even with the dollar-euro exchange rate).

... bought a ton of fabric to make a couple things (thanks to a great Memorial Day sale)

... eaten some INCREDIBLE sushi at the restaurant my family always goes to in St.Louis - Tachibana, off of Olive Blvd., ate some great Afghani food with my parents & aunt and uncle, while they asked me all about Spain, my life in Spain, and Spanish culture,...

... had lunch with several people

... saw one of my best friends and her new adorable baby (who I forgot to take pictures of) -- Sydney Jane is her name -- and we went to the Missouri Botanical Gardens, one of my favorite places in St.Louis

... talked to some fun friends on the phone

... take a few walks and have a million memories come to mind

... saw the new Narnia movie "Prince Caspian" with my parents, which by the way was GREAT!

... checked out a few books from the library

... got a new battery for my Mac & started to brush up on my french a bit

... went to the health food store I used to work at and where I came to really know Jesus, place my faith in him, and begin to see him work in my life

... and have had a horrible stomach ache now for about three days... i'm sure something i ate had milk in it, but it's not going away... but i did go to the health food store i used to work at and got some stuff that should help

... i'm sure there is more, but that's the jist of it

coming home...

So... Sunday i went to church at my home church, Old Orchard PCA in Webster Groves, MO. It's not actually the church i grew up in, but it is the church that has been a family and a home church to me since i first went there, back in 1999 when I was living in the city in St.Louis. They very quickly treated me as their own and were really that, a family to me even though they didn't know me from Adam. Since then they have been my "home church."

As I walked in the doors and was greeted by countless people who know me, I felt at home. I actually felt more at home there than I have felt since I got back. It was the same. The people were the same, even though a couple years had passed and physically some of them had changed a bit. The preaching was amazing, poignant and relevant as always and firmly grounded in who God is. And it was great that all I had to do was sit and listen and take it all in.

Afterward I had people invite me to lunch and several people insist that I have lunch with them sometime this week. It was nice to have people initiate with me and to be taken care of, without doing anything. I am so grateful for these people both in the past and in the present, but also for what may come in the future. I so appreciate the realness of them, their genuine love and acceptance, and their fear and love of God as God. It so ministers to my heart.

And they are definitely AMAZING! And definitely a gift, a very good gift from God.

Leaving Spain (temporarily) & Arriving to the US - Part 1

My amazing friend Dave said that I should entitle this "I am foolish, God is Good." That is probably a pretty befitting title.

So... it all begins the night before I returned to the US. Some amazing friends asked if I needed help getting to the airport with my luggage, or if I just wanted some help. I said, "Sure... it definitely would be nice to have company," and Dave planned to stop by my apartment the next morning at 9:30am, so we'd have plenty of time to make the trek to the airport.

We took off and I was amazing how much easier it was having a tall, strong friend to carry my heavy luggage and to lift it up and down all the stairs. Dave asked me how I ever managed to do this alone and I said, "Well, I just do. I just get going and then at some point when I finally am exhausted say to myself, 'Well, you've made it this far.' And somehow once I'm on the way it's hard to justify getting a taxi instead of just pushing the rest of the way." It was amazing how easy it was and Dave wasn't even really tired. I am usually exhausted by the time I get to the airport.

This may sound strange, but the easiest route to the airport (without a taxi or car) is walking to the metro (just a block), carrying the suitcases up and down 3 flights of stairs to the actual train, taking it one stop, transferring to another line (the orange or 7 line) via an escalator, taking it three stops, going up 5 escalators (thank God for escalators), walking a little ways, getting on the bus to the airport, getting off, and walking into the airport. The other route involves only walking and the metro, but involves two transfers one of which adds at least two flights of stairs and once you get to the airport you have about a mile (literally) to walk to the actual international terminal to check your luggage. And taxis are an option, but for at least 35 Euros from my house (now over $50).

So, anyway,... Dave and I arrive, get in line with US Airways. I get to the person who asks the bizillion security questions. He looks at my passport and asks, "Do you have a renewal paper?" Confused I showed him my Spanish ID card and he said, "No, I mean a renewal for your passport." I say, "What do you mean?" and look extremely confused and he says, "Your passport is expired."

My stomach drops. No way! How in the world!?!?!?

So he goes and talks to a very kind woman who asked if I wanted to wait a half an hour for someone from the US Embassy to come. (As if I had any other option.) I said, "Yes" of course and we went to talk with the US Airways people about the possibility of changing my flight (for free - crazy?) if I didn't get on this one. They said there would be no problem and I went to wait.

Dave by this time had called his wife and their whole team (he works with MTW) to pray for me. Amazing! And he ran downstairs to get us both some coffee and breakfast. As we were waiting he offered to go with me to the US Embassy if necessary. Again, I have some amazingly awesome friends.

The embassy woman arrived sooner than expected, scolded me for having let it expire, got on her Blackbury for what seemed like an eternity, came back and told me to not ever let this happen again (as if she needed to tell me). She said, "It's on record that this has happened, so don't ever let it happen again." I then asked, "So, I can get on my plane?" She said yes and I was on my way.

The kind lady from before got me an escort to the gate, since I'd have to got through several more security checkpoints all of whom would say, "Did you know your passport is expired?" and then my escort would explain and they would call someone and let me pass.

Amazing! Amazingly smooth, amazingly gracious of them,... just amazing. The Lord was really kind to me.

So I got on my flight. And ten or so hours later we landed in Philadelphia, where we went through Customs. The guy there asked me about the passport situation and after asking me five times what I did and who I worked for and after telling me a few times that they really shouldn't have let me get on the plane, let me go with no trouble. He didn't even make me go through the crazy intense search someone he consulted said that I should go through. He just let me pass on through and said, "I guess I know you'll get this taken care of because you obviously want to be on the flight back."

I then rechecked my luggage and got on my next flight (to Chicago). I put away my passport and got out my driver's license so I could stop answering the "Did you know your passport was expired?" questions and went on my way.

I'll have to blog later about my first impressions of the US after 2 years of being gone.

We landed in Chicago (which is actually one of my favorite airports to have a layover in, unlike many people; i just love all the places to walk around and explore and the places to sit for several hours). And a few hours later I was landing in St. Louis at 11pm and was met by my parents.

So that is the story...

And the WHY... I don't really know what happened. I thought about it last year and made a mental note. Then I thought about it in January and though, "No, it's too early, but I won't forget since I'm going home sometime this summer." Then I was messing with getting a new residence visa in Spain and finally got it, so completely forgot that I needed to take care of my US passport. (And that was also about the time my life got pretty busy.) It expired April 30, less than a month before. And I just sent off for a renewal passport today, which should be here in four weeks or less.

All this to say I am soooo grateful for great friends and for a mighty and gracious God who helped me out in countless ways that day.

FYI

So, two pieces of FYI... One, I'm going to be keeping friends in Spain up on my life while I'm back in the US temporarily via my blog, so... if you find a post in Spanish and get scared, no worries. you are at the right place and it was intended for them. (Actually, change in plans... I'm going to put my spanish blog at http://www.cafeconsoja.blogspot.com (which is actually how you spell it instead of with a "y"). So you can check it out there if you so desire.

I'll try to include more or less the same in Spanish and in English, but that's the way it will be at least during my jaunt in the US (now through mid-July). And it's a great opportunity to practice some Español :-)

P.S. ALSO... I'd love to see as many of you as I can, so give me a call or drop me an e-mail if want to get together sometime. I'll be in Missouri, Kansas, Florida (and driving from Missouri to Florida - likely through SE Missouri, Tennessee, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida (on the way) and then Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Kentucky, Illinois, and Missouri), and briefly in North Carolina (for my cousin's wedding).

Sex

So... after having written the last post I still have a bit to say. This is no new newsflash by any means, but I haven't actually written it on this blog and I am in the midst of processing a bit, so here goes...

I am SOOO sick of seeing the idea of casual sex glorified and the idea that it is natural and normal for men and women to jump from person to person with no real consequences nor repercussions.

There is nothing WRONG with a woman or man wanting to be with one man or woman for their whole life, for having a fully monogamous relationship, and for not having tried things out sexually before this person nor before they commit themselves to one another for life. There is nothing wrong with it and in fact it is the way we were MEANT to live.

Marriage is NOT a thing of the past. Marriage is NOT just about tradition nor is it rigid in a bad way. Marriage is a very GOOD thing. It is a very SACRED thing. As is sex and love.

Sex is not bad nor is it something dirty. It is something very good and very beautiful. It is something wonderful. And it is something holy and divine. It is something originated by God. It is something meant to draw two people together - body, mind, and soul. It is something to knit two people together and make them one. It is something very good.

But it is something made to be between one man and one woman. Something between one man and one woman who have committed themselves to one another before God and before man. I still love the illustration given by Rob Bell in the Nooma videos. Here is a little summary of a friend's talk that gave a similar illustration.

"The subject, being Valentine's Day, or día de los enamorados / día de san valentín, was LOVE. Sofía, one of the staff at En Vivo, gave the talk. She talked about her and Jesse (her husband)'s first date and how their relationship unfolded with a lot of witty comments along the way. Then she talked about the book Song of Songs from the Bible. She read Song of Songs 2:7, "Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires."

She then talked about the three types of love found in Hebrew. Both Rob Bell (with Nooma - www.nooma.com) and Sofia both described these loves with three flames, which can burn individually, but burn much brighter and more fully together.

First is "raya," which is the type of love you have between friends. It is found in Song of Songs 4:7 (amongst others), "You're beautiful from head to toe, my dear love, beautiful beyond compare, absolutely flawless."

Second is the word "ahava." As Rob Bell explains it, "Ahava is the love of the will... This is way more profound than fleeting romantic feelings. This is much more than temporary urges. Ahava is making a decision to join your life to the life of another. This is an emotion that leads to commitment. Ahava is found in Song of Songs 8:7, "Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned."

The third Hebrew word for love, which is also found in Song of Songs, is the word "dode." It is the one we are more accustom to being associated with "love" at least in many contexts. It is the sexual, physical element in a love relationship. Dode literally means "carouse," "rock," "caress." It's the love described in some of the more explicit passages in Song of Songs. "May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine." (Song of Songs 1:2)

As Sofia (and Rob Bell) said, these three types of love, these three flames are meant to burn as one, moving from a small little spark or flame on a candle to a much larger, more sustaining fire. In the Nooma film Rob Bell made, it goes from a small fire to a huge bonfire you can see from miles away.

Love is not just physical and sexual, but also friendship and commitment. The "ahava" (willful love) and "raya" (friendship) are what take more intentionality and time. "Dode" love is important too, but it generally is not the hardest of the three to create.

This is really the bare basics of the talk, but I thought it was a great way to introduce the idea of what God says about love and also a great reminder of the type of love God desires for us - one rich and full of life."

So... my point is that it infuriates me when love and sex are misportrayed... when they are portrayed as less than what they are. And when they are shown as selfish, instead of selfless.

Disgusting and Repulsive

Ok... so this probably will reveal more about me than I would like and more about my imperfect family (as I suppose all families are). My desire is not to be judgmental, but more to vent a bit and to make a commentary on some things that infuriate me and also have affected me much more than I wish were the case. As I even begin this post I am not quite sure how to navigate the lines amidst honoring my family, working through my issues, and honoring holiness and purity without becoming both judgmental and hypocritical. Even as I write this much I wonder if I will actually ever post this post.

So, I arrived home last Wednesday night late. I went to bed and got up the next morning and ventured downstairs to my dad's newly re-put together office (in my old bedroom). I looks nice and looks both like an office and very functional. Unfortunately what my eyes quickly went to was not what I hoped to see there. Two fourteen inch high replicas of Princess Leah from Star Wars, but she is half naked, very scantily clad with a chain around her neck from the scene where she is in Jabba the Hut's lair. Definitely a bit scandalous and risk-que. And something that brings up far many emotions than I wish. It brings up anger, feeling a bit violated and definitely offended, and disgusted.

Now I live in a country where it is not uncommon to walk into a café and see a pin-up calender or to see a number of pornographic magazines just out in the open or to see very scantily clad models on just normal advertisements. While I don't like it, I also am not generally surprised to see it. But somehow seeing it in my dad's office during this visit has continued to infuriate and disgust me since I first saw it. Somehow I just didn't expect it there... somehow I always hope that he's changed... and somehow it always makes me remember that I have forgiven him and that I need to let that be independent of his behavior...

I know it goes back a long way and it is why I have issues at times thinking about guys (both in having to be careful to guard my mind but also to also realize that men can find a woman beautiful without lusting after her or thinking merely about sex).

There is something horrible and definitely hurtful and degrading about pornography, particularly to kids too young to process or filter what they shouldn't even be exposed to... and particularly when it as acted as if it is "just art" something for the whole family. yuck! definitely NOT normal nor by any means good.

So, yes, I need to go back to working through my anger and seeking to forgive, but realizing that it still affects me (both in seeing it and in having seen it). And that I am very much still in process here. And it is more than a bit both sobering and angering!!! I guess the positive in all of this is that I actually am angry instead of just hearing in my head that "it's my issues" and that "I just need to get over it" or that "it's just art, what's your problem." Maddening... and in some ways rightly so. And definitely repulsed and disgusted.


Note: You may see the "You are beautiful" picture and be confused based on this post. The picture somehow takes me back to what is true, instead of what is corrupted. It reminds me that the Lord sees me and sees me as beautiful. It reminds me that beauty really does go much deeper than just skin deep. It reminds me that all this messed up-ness is a pale, distorted reflection of what it should be. It makes me think that all of this so much does point to our need and my need for Jesus. It points to the fact that we are messed up; this world is messed up. And we are desperately in need of a Saviour. We are desperately in need of one to take our messed up-ness and make a way for us to be restored and for us to really KNOW our Creator, for us to let Him be in control of our lives and for Him to love us and make us complete. Somehow it always goes back to this. And thank God there is one who came to pay our debt, one who came to make us whole and make us like Him, one who came to restore our relationship with him. Praise the Lord! So, the picture, "you are beautiful" helps me to remember that even in the midst of both corruption and my messiness that God still looks at me and tells me that he DELIGHTS in me and that He thinks that I am beautiful in a very pure and real way.

Fun Friends

so this morning i said goodbye to katie, who's been here this past week in the midst of my crazy life. she has gone with me to campus, meetings, mini shopping trips, a spa, out dancing, around town, the grocery store, campus, threw a party with me,... fun times.

katie lived with me last year and was here in madrid the past 2 years. it was great to have her here in the midst of me freaking out a bit about going back to the US and scrambling to try to get things done in the midst of a way too busy week. she was a huge blessing.


as i said goodbye to katie, i went to the airport to pick up kristie, another friend who will be here the next two weeks. kristie and i lived together in lawrence, kansas, right after we both had returned from spain. we readjusted to life in the US together, ran a marathon, and had many fun times and adventures (my glowing pink-orange hair fiasco, tapas nights,...). and i was in her wedding before coming back to spain. that was three years ago. so, to say the least, it's great to see her again and to speak spanish again with her. so many good memories.

anyway, kristie is here writing her dissertation for her PhD in 18th and 19th century spanish literature. after she arrived we took a tour of the city while i showed her how to get to all the national libraries where she will spend the next weeks compiling her research. and we enjoyed some incredible tapas in plaza de santa ana. and i'm sure there are many more to come.

2 days in paris

a few days ago i found this amazingly cool video store with tons of foreign films and independent films and just a ton of movies to rent. katie and i picked 2 días en paris to watch, since we both like before sunset and before sunrise which feature julie delpy in paris. this one is actually a film by her.

i wouldn't say it was the best movie ever. and i'm not sure i would recommend the movie as a whole (it had a bit more discussion about sex than i would have wanted, offset only be the fact that it also made adam goldburg's character completely uncomforable), but there was an incredibly funny scene made even funnier by the fact that katie and i were exhausted and thus a bit slaphappy. it's almost at the end of the film (the second from the last chapter) and just in case you do desire to see it, i'll just include a couple quotes... hilarious.

"all we need is love, you and me... i'm a fairy... no, i mean a real fairy... you need to care for her, much care, give her lots of care..."

katie and i watched this scene three times and were crying we were laughing so hard.

a mix of emotions

so... i presently have a runny nose and a sore throat. i hate having a cold, feeling lethargic, but not so bad that i can't function, and having the horrible sensation of phlegm in all parts of my head. yuck.

somehow having a cold and a runny nose does always makes me think of the movie you've got mail (which by the way is one of my favorite movies) when meg ryan is sick and tom hanks brings her daisies. happy thoughts.

so, i am a little sick... and inevitably this is the worse time, in my mind, for me to be sick. a friend is visiting, i am trying to wrap up life in spain for the summer (at least the first half of the summer) and set up everything for my time in the US (which begins in about a week - crazy, ¿no?). definitely not the best time to have a runny nose, head congested, sore throat cold. the one good thing about it is that it has made me slow down a bit, actually try to take care of myself and sleep some, and say "no" to several things i would have just tried to cram in.

it has also helped me (along with my friend katie who is in town) to relax a bit. somehow the idea of returning to a country you supposedly know after two years of being away, with the intention of reconnecting with people on more than a superficial level in the course of just a couple of weeks, seems a bit daunting. and it doesn't help that the unknown effects of reverse culture shock loom overhead as well. i have no idea what to expect, good and bad. and on one hand that is actually exciting.

the things that excite me about going home are obviously seeing my family (and hopefully this will include some good time with my brother and sister), seeing some good friends (God-willing), a road trip to florida (likely passing through louisiana and mississippi, if it doesn't add too much time to the trip - i've never been to either state), seeing by brother on a long layover in philly (always fun), going to my cousin charlie's wedding in charlotte, nc, getting to share with people face-to-face what the Lord is doing here in Madrid (and in me) and whatever fun surprises may come.

things that are a bit overwhelming and pretty much out of my control at this point: really having quality time with the fam, my sister; actually getting more than a weekend with my sister and brother (in the midst of wedding stuff); actually seeing one of my best friends and some other good friends; really getting to connect with people; getting used to the pace of american life and american relationships (a half an hour or hour with someone versus two or three); and just the unknown. hmmm... it's good to write this all out, as it then doesn't quite seem as daunting. i mean, really, if the Lord has carried me this far and has provided for me the past almost thirty-two years, surely he will remain faithful in another country, which only came about because it seemed to be his will.

the other emotion has to do with my hanging out recently with a particular boy, who somehow inevitably makes me a bit uncontented with being single and who after spending time with him is on my mind entirely too much. the main problem with this is that we are at this point just friends and i so wish i knew what was going on, or what would go on.

so my mixed up emotions are presently, sick runny nose ness, anxious anticipation of going home mixed with way too many things on my mental to do list, and a bit of pining.

Being Known

There is something about being able to share with someone the good and the bad from your life. Feeling comfortable being fully open even with the stuff you are still wrestling with, still in the midst of.

So my friend, Katie, is here visiting. We lived together last year and it is nice to have somebody around to verbally process some of the stuff I've been thinking about recently. And it's great to have someone here who knows what my life looks like here, because she's lived here too. It's also nice as I wrap up things here before I head home to have her here, who just by her presence helps me to slow down a bit and put things back into perspective.

sensory overload

(note: preliminary thoughts about heading back to the states and "reverse culture shock" (going back to your mother country) which may seem strange, but is commonly understood to be much worse than that of going to a foreign country. this is the beginning, but i'll probably write more later...)

so, what for me is sensory overload is probably not the same as some. i live in a city of 5 million and am regularly jammed into a metro car where literally no one else can cram themselves in (because it's fully acceptable to physically cram yourself in - literally push your way in - to an already packed metro car, particularly during rush hour).

it's also not the quantity of people because there are a lot of places that i enjoy going that are cram packed with people. and i like to be there in part because of the shear quantity of people and the "life" there. now obviously i don't always enjoy that, but it is more the norm than the abnormal.

and, apparently, i read recently that the noise levels in madrid are not very healthy over the long-term. so, noise, which is nearly always present, isn't really what i'm talking about either.

what i am talking about is that sensory overload that i tend to experience when i return to the states. all the english just jumps out. i hear every conversation around me, word for work. i read every sign and every billboard without wanting to. i am amazed by all the english and read and hear everything. exhausting. and the reality is that there are advertisements absolutely everywhere.

the other thing that can overwhelm me a bit is the number of options. there are two sides to this, one, i enjoy the simplicity of having only a few options. usually for lunch, on campus or at a restaurant, you order the menu, which includes a first course plate, second course plate, a dessert, a drink and bread. you get one of each and there are at most 4 options for each. simple.

when you go to the grocery store, yes you have a whole aisle of olive oil to choose from and the same with types of jamon serrano, cheeses, olives and a few other things. and you have a fully stocked array of fresh fish to choose from. but the stores are much smaller to begin with. and there are only a few options for most things, not a bizillion. again... simplicity.

and i guess there is one more area of simplicity. it's just more normal to take time doing normal life things and to not use so many machines. for example, a 24-hour huge megagrocery store where everything exists is not that common, or at least not in walking distance from my house. also, i have a washer, but hang out my clothes to dry, as to most other people (probably 75-80%), no matter what social class you fall into. i don't have a dryer nor a dishwasher and food comes fresh (not prepackaged). while spaniards actually work an ungodly amount of hours (even by american standards), the pace of life is more relaxed.